OPENING
SENTENCE: A rather common but not recommended comment you might hear from a frustrated parent is, “Why can’t you be more like your older brother?”
INTRODUCTION: Needless to say, it is intended to motivate the child to try harder and give him/her a model of what proper behavior should look like. To the child, it means that you don’t match up and should change. But, the universal presence of sibling rivalry that suggests it probably does more to create resentment than it does to motivate the errant child.
Now let’s take that to the extreme. Imagine if you are James, the younger brother of Jesus. Can you imagine growing up with the perfect older brother- the one who smarter than you, who never did anything wrong and who is better than you in any way that really counts? Let’s hope Mary never said to James, “Why can’t you be like your older brother?” because she knew full well who Jesus was. The fact is no one can meet that standard- it is too high. And, I can imagine that sibling rivalry did come into play. The fact that James was not a follower of Jesus until after the resurrection suggested some sibling resentment may have been present in his early year.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: Sometimes I feel that is what God is saying to us.
TRANSITION: He says to us, “Look at my Son Jesus and emulate Him.” And most of us come away thinking, “Man, there is nothing like setting the bar high.” Let’s face it Jesus is the Son of God. He is perfect in every respect. So, how we can also be like Him?
In today’s passage, we are going to see that the model we men are called to follow is revealed in how Jesus loved the church. Now I don’t know about you, but for me but that is a tough act to follow and if my wife’s role in marriage were contingent upon how well I emulate Jesus’ example then I would be in a world of hurt. Frankly, I don’t match up. And the evidence is pretty clear that all of us are in a world of hurt when we look at the state of marriage in North America. The state of marriage is as bad as it has ever been- if not worse.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: But, by having Jesus as our model it gives us something to frame our understanding of how marriage should work if the ideal was lived out in our relationships. Without it, we have an incomplete standard to measure things by. This morning we are going to look closer at that model and ask, “How is the husband to love his wife?” We will find that we are to love as Jesus loved the church and as we love our own bodies and to be exclusively devoted to her.
TEXT: Ephesians 5:25-33
THEME: The husband is to love His wife as Christ loved the church.
How is the husband to love his wife?
I. As Christ loved the Church. (25-28)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
A. He sacrificed his life for her. This is the component that is missed in far too many marriages. The theme of this series is that an iWorld marriage is about me, my fulfillment, my satisfaction, having my needs and wants met as though marriage is a consumer product. Our culture makes individual freedom, autonomy, and fulfillment the very highest values. None of these promote healthy relationships. Deep down inside we know that any love relationship means the loss of all three. Christ exemplifies for us what real love is by dying on the cross for his flawed imperfect bride who did not merit his love. That is the nature of real love.
B. His first objective was to make her holy. Notice why he died- to make her holy- to make her better. The emphasis is not so much on her happiness but on the far more important issue which is her spiritual state before God. Holiness will provide happiness far more than if we try to pursue happiness apart from holiness. The pursuit of holiness should be first.
We also have this absurd notion in our culture that everything is about making everyone happy. We hear it all the time, “I am okay with it as long as it makes you happy”, or, “I only want to make you happy!” That is an impossible task. You cannot make a person happy. Happiness can be a fleeting emotion. Lasting happiness is a state of contentment the individual can only attain by having certain traits that come from a proper perspective. Paul expresses that perspective in Philippians 4 where he learned to content no matter what the circumstances. It is more accurate to say, “Because I love you I want to do the things that please you and express my love in ways that you can understand- and sometimes in ways that you might not understand. But my greater desire is that you be holy. I will do what is best for you- not for my benefit but yours, and ultimately we both benefit in our one flesh union”.
C. He wanted to make her shine. Jesus sought to present her to Himself as a radiant bride.
This verse helps bring into perspective how the relationship between the husband as the “head” and the wife- who is called to submit. When some Christians talk about male and female as “different but equal” it often sounds to them as contorted- like the segregation of races (equal but separate). But as we saw a few weeks back Philippians 2 clearly shows that the voluntary submission of Jesus to the Father does not belittle His dignity or divinity as the Second Person of the Godhead. Rather it led to the greater glory. This passage is one of the primary places where the relationship of the Father and the Son becomes visible. The Son submits to his Father and the Father accepts it. We see it most clearly in the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus struggles hours before being taken to the cross and asks the Father to take this “cup” from me. At the end of each of the three prayers, he concludes, “But your will be done.”
But, in return, the Father exalts the Son to the highest place. As Keller has said, “Each wishes to please the other; each wishes to exalt the other. Love and honor are given, accepted, and given again… The Son submits to the Father’s headship with free, voluntary, and joyful eagerness, not out of coercion or inferiority. The Father’s headship is acknowledged in reciprocal delight, respect, and love. There is no inequality of ability or dignity. In regard to marriage, this teaches us that we are differently gendered to reflect this life within the Trinity… This is one of the reasons why Paul can say that the marriage “mystery” gives us insight into the very heart of God in the work of our salvation (Ephesians 5: 32).” (Keller, Location 2303).
ILLUSTRATE: What Paul is teaching in this passage was radical in light of his culture, both Jewish and pagan, and lead to a high view of women. It is inaccurate to say that Paul was a misogynist because he does not share the contemporary feminist view of women. In contrast, historian Rodney Stark argues that one of the reasons why Christianity spread throughout the ancient world was due to its revolutionary new attitudes towards women. He writes:
“Recent, objective evidence leaves no doubt that early Christian women did enjoy far greater equality with men than did their pagan and Jewish counterparts. A study of Christian burials in the catacombs under Rome, based on 3,733 cases, found that Christian women were nearly as likely as Christian men to be commemorated with lengthy inscriptions. This "near equality in the commemoration of males and females is something that is peculiar to Christians, and sets them apart from the non-Christian populations of the city." This was true not only of adults but also of children, as Christians lamented the loss of a daughter as much as that of a son, which was especially unusual compared with other religious groups in Rome.
APPLY: The point is this, to say men and female have different roles does not demean women any more than to say that Jesus submission to the Father lessens his status in the Godhead. We need to teach men to be leaders in their home- but we must remind them that Jesus provides the model of what that kind of leadership looks like. I am convinced that our iWorld has taught our young men that marriage is primarily about your own personal gratification and fulfillment.
THEME: The husband is to love His wife as Christ loved the church
How is the husband to love his wife?
II. As He loves his own body. (28-30)
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.
A. What he thinks of himself reflects on his love for his wife.
Notice, Paul is suggesting men rightfully ought to love themselves- but not to the exclusion of loving others, especially his wife. In fact, he is implying the one enhances the other. Men who have a healthy view of themselves are not more self-centered- but other centered. It is insecure men who are less able to love their wives in a healthy way. Why? because they become too self-obsessed because their self-image is filtered through their failures and shortcomings. Secure men are not dependent on the up’s and downs of their wives for their own sense of well-being. They do not respond to them with hostility when they go through an emotional breakdown. In contrast, I am convinced that arrogant, controlling men do so out of insecurity- not strength.
Women, that should also say something to you. If you degrade or disrespect your husband putting him down will not enable him to love you more. It will feed his insecurity. That does not mean that you cannot be assertive- it simply means that you do it with respect. I think that is why Paull will add later, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
B. If he truly cares for himself, he will care for his wife.
While men’s self-centeredness is more the result of insecurity another issue arises even if he does truly love his wife and has a proper view of himself. And that is, that men are often somewhat inept as showing love in a way that woman they understand it. Most think they are showing love by going to work, putting up with all the nonsense that happens there and providing a paycheck to provide for her. Most men find pride in that- and they should. But, there is another level that men, in general, are not so good at. Most men are not good at showing love in a way their wife understands. Christian author Gary Chapman says it this way.
ILLUSTRATE: “My conclusion after many years of marriage counseling is that there are five emotional love languages-five ways that people speak and understand emotional love… The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse… Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem… Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand our own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of our spouse, we will then have the needed information to apply (to our relationships). ”
APPLY: Throughout his book, which we have in our library, he identifies the the five love languages as
• gift giving
• quality time,
• words of affirmation,
• acts of service (devotion),
• physical touch.
It is valuable if each man learns his wife’s love language.
THEME: The husband is to love His wife as Christ loved the church.
How is the husband to love his wife?
III. As one exclusively devoted to her. (31-33)
31 “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
A. His relationship with his wife supersedes all other relationships.
You can only understand marriage by looking at the gospel where we enter into a marriage-like relationship with Jesus as our Divine Spouse. Jesus asks for nothing that any spouse doesn’t ask for. “Put me first, have no other pseudo-gods before me.” Marriage won’t work unless you put your marriage and your spouse before all other earthly relationships, and you don’t turn good things, like parents, children, career, and hobbies, into pseudo-spouses.
Men, it is easy to let other things dominate your attention. Work can become an obsession; along with sports, video games, technology, hunting, and now a more ominous obsession- internet porn. But, once you’re married, your marriage has to take priority. “If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter, you will be able to move out into the world in strength. If your marriage is weak, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are marked by success and strength, it won’t matter. You will move out into the world in weakness. Marriage has that kind of power— the power to set the course of your whole life. It has that power because it was instituted by God and because it has that unequaled power, it must have an unequaled, supreme priority.”
Paul also has in mind that the man is exclusively devoted to his wife sexually. We will address this in a later sermon when we look at the topic of “the greener grass.”
B. Being one flesh means that we do things for mutual benefit. While we cannot always please our wives, sometimes because she has issues outside your control, we must understand that if your wife is unhappy it will impact you. We cannot simply say, “That is my wife’s problem.” At one level that may be true but if marriage is a “one flesh” union then if your wife has a problem then you have a problem. And, sometimes you really are the problem. Loving as Christ loves means making the ultimate sacrifice of evaluating yourself in order to consider how to become more like Him in your relationship with your wife.
C. If he does his part, he is more likely to get respect. Notice the twofold command- Men love your wives- Wives respect your husbands. This simple statement is more profound than first impressions may imply. Paul is addressing the two fundamental desires of each sex. The number one desire of a woman is to be loved by her husband. When she gets anger, indifference or neglect instead, she often loses respect for him. The number one desire for men, on the other hand, is to be respected. Lack of respect is the greatest insult you can give to a man. When he gets nagging, demeaning comments and constant criticism from his wife he is far less prone to show the kind of love the woman most desires. As Faramir says to Sam Gamgee in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, “The praise of the praiseworthy is above all rewards.” To be highly esteemed by someone you highly esteem is the greatest thing in the world. It goes both ways.
ILLUSTRATE: If I had to identify the two most important passages in scripture pertaining to marriage I would pick these verses. In these few words, God’s whose design and intent for marriage are summarized. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” These verse show marriage as a union between a man and woman is modeled in the relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage is the closest analogy to the gospel we have.
New York Times columnist David Brooks argues that there are three different lenses through which to think about marriage decisions—the psychological, the romantic, and the moral lens.
Most of the popular advice books adopt a psychological lens. These books start with the premise that getting married is a daunting prospect. So psychologists urge us to pay attention to traits like "agreeableness," social harmony, empathy, and niceness.
The second lens is the romantic lens. This is the dominant lens in movie and song. More than people in many other countries, Americans want to marry the person they are passionately in love with. But in their book "The Good Marriage," Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee concluded that 15 percent of couples maintain these kinds of lifelong romantic marriages.
The third lens is the moral lens. In this lens, a marriage exists to serve some higher purpose. Brooks points to Tim Keller's book "The Meaning of Marriage," where Keller argues that marriage introduces you to yourself; you realize you're not as noble and easy to live with as you thought when alone. Brooks writes:
“In a good marriage, you identify your own selfishness and see it as the fundamental problem. You treat it more seriously than your spouse's selfishness. The everyday tasks of marriage are opportunities to cultivate a more selfless love. Every day there's a chance to inspire and encourage your partner to become his or her best self. In this lens, marriage isn't about two individuals trying to satisfy their own needs; it's a partnership of mutual self-giving for the purpose of moral growth and to make their corner of the world a little better.”
APPLY: That act of self-giving is visualized in what Jesus did for us on the cross.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we looked at the question, “How is the husband to love his wife?” We found in today’s passage that as men we are to love our wives as Jesus loved the church and as we love our own bodies while being exclusively devoted to her
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: One can only imagine what it would have been like to have been James, the brother of Jesus, having to compare himself to the perfect older brother. Yet in a sense that is what God is saying to us men. “Why can’t you be more like Jesus?”
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. The fact is, we will never fully achieve that standard because we are not God. But, it gives us the ideal of what marriage should look like. Jesus provides for us something objective to measure progress by giving us a perfect model, a standard, to strive for in marriage.
2. The contrast is stark. In an “iWorld” the focus is on me and my personal gratification and fulfillment so if we both have that, great, if not, then we part ways. In Gods kingdom, the focus is on loving God and our wives even if they are not always submissive or loveable. It may mean tremendous sacrifice our part. It may mean we give our lives for her.
3. How that sacrifice is lived out is different for men and women but both do it for the mutual benefit of the one flesh covenant that God has joined together. It is no different than that of the relationship within the Godhead itself where Jesus voluntarily submits to Father who then exacts Him to a place of greater honor.
HAYMAKER: Bible scholar and pastor N.T. Wright retells the following story about an archbishop who was hearing confessions of sin from three hardened teenagers in the church. All three boys were trying to make a joke out of it so they met with the archbishop and confessed to a long list of ridiculous and grievous sins that they had not committed. It was all a joke. The archbishop, seeing through their bad practical joke, played along with the first two who ran out of the church laughing. But then he listened carefully to the third prankster, and before he got away told the young man, "Okay, you have confessed these sins. Now I want you to do something to show your repentance. I want you to walk up to the far end of the church and I want you to look at the picture of Jesus hanging on the cross, and I want you to look at his face and say, 'You did all that for me and I don't care that much.' And I want you to do that three times."
And so the boy went up to the front, looked at the picture of Jesus and said, "You did all that for me and I don't care that much." And then he said it again, but then he couldn't say it the third time because he broke down in tears. And the archbishop telling the story said the reason I know that story is that I was that young man.
There is something about the cross. Something about Jesus dying there for us which leaps over all the theoretical discussions, all the possibilities of how we explain it this way or that way and it grasps us. And when we are grasped by it, somehow we have a sense that what is grasping us is the love of God.
THEME: The husband is to love His wife as Christ loved the church.
