OPENING
SENTENCE: I can remember when I was still in High School my sister was watching a romance movie where the handsome main character was telling his beautiful recently discovered true love the depth of his everlasting love.
INTRODUCTION: While I was trying to hold back my natural guy gag reflex my sister let out a loud and deep sigh of longing. In that simple sigh, she communicated what almost every high school girl wants. The desire to be loved by someone who will sacrifice and care for her through thick and thin. We see it in romance novels and movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast. They are popular because of this universal appeal.
Yet, it seems the ideal and the reality seldom match up. While the girl thinks she is marrying a prince charming she often finds out what she really married was a frog. Most of us realize early on that much of this romantic idealism was never the norm- even in the garden. But, it seems that in the last few generations a growing disillusionment has caused us to abandon the “love forever after” ideal altogether. This is no more visible than in the state of marriage in North America.
A recent Pew Research study showed that while most Millennials want a loving, lasting relationship only 26%, a number less than any other group in history, are pursuing it through marriage. In the last 60 years, our culture has moved from divorce being extremely rare to being common. This uncertainty of lasting marriages leads to cohabitation as the norm to “test” the relationship. Even that has changed- the millennials ages 18-32 have abandoned both.
What happened? Why have younger people become so afraid of marriage? Certainly, the answer includes the lack of stable role models and the economy is less certain. But, beyond that, we all seem to instinctively know that something is broken in us. The fact that this brokenness is denied or misunderstood sets us up for failure because we misdiagnose the problem.
TRANSITION
SENTENCE: Last week we saw that after God created marriage He called it very good.
TRANSITION: So, we know there is a God-given ideal of what was or could now be. Yet, something tragic happened to make it far less than His ideal. It is a tragic event that our culture has forgotten and because of it severely impacts our relationships.
SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: This morning I want us to revisit what went wrong and pose the question, “What is the root cause of destructive conflict in our marriages?” We will learn that we have rejected God’s desire for us because we believe we know better than Him. And, when we act our plan it fails- and then we mistakenly think we can fix it on our own.
TEXT: Genesis 3:1-7
THEME: Marriages are strengthened when we face up to our rebellious self-obsession.
What is the root cause of destructive conflict in our marriages?
I. We falsely believe we know better than God what is good for us. (1-4)
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’” 4 “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.
A. We question the reasonableness of God’s command.
We must remember the setting of these verses. God created this wonderful world with everything we need to thrive and be happy. At the completion of the creation of woman he oversees the first “marriage” and then gives His assessment- “It was very good”. The two enjoyed a perfect relationship with each other- each with complementary roles to play in the relationship. The man was a loving leader and the woman was a nurturing “helper”.
As Matthew Rueger says, “Adam, he was more complete with her than he had been without her. She was of his flesh, and he would cherish her as he did his own flesh. This intimate loving relationship established before the fall into sin was a union of two different beings with different roles within the family but of equal importance to each other and to God. The problem of sin did not change God’s intent for marriage to complete man and woman in a lifelong union of love and respect.”
So what happened? We see the problem begin to unfold in this passage. First, we find Satan visits the garden in the form of a serpent. The Bible often speaks of Satan as a real personal entity who is an invisible, evil force intent turning our hearts against God.
Notice what Satan does. He asks, “Did God really say?” The intent is to get Eve to question the command of God which said, “16 You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” Here God has created this marvelous world for their enjoyment and fulfillment. For Him to forbid this one thing is not unreasonable. But, Satan causes Eve to question God by misstating it as, “You must not eat from any tree in the garden” The strategy is very subtle. It plants a question in Eve’s mind about its reasonableness.
While she caught this lie of Satan her response reveals it worked. She herself misstates the command by adding to it. Remember, God said, “don’t eat of the one tree” but she adds the word “touch”. Now, the addition is subtle and simple but she begins asking herself, “What would be the harm in touching it? That seems somewhat unreasonable.” The fact is God did not say that.
B. We question whether God really has our best interest in mind.
Satan then outright tests God by denying the consequences for disobeying Gods command. Satan says, “You will not certainly die.” Eve must now ask herself the question. Is God lying to me? Is he posing a false threat to keep me from something good? Does this God who made me and the wonderful world I live in really have my best interest in mind. Maybe this serpent is right. Maybe God lied because he is not as good as we have thought.
This seems to be the very argument of Michael Onfray in his book, “Atheist Manifesto”. He says “Defying God’s prohibition meant preferring knowledge to obedience, seeking to know rather than submitting. Or in different terms: opting for philosophy against religion. What does this ban on intelligence mean? You can do anything in this magnificent Garden, except become intelligent — the Tree of Knowledge — or immortal — the Tree of Life. What a fate God has in store for men: stupidity and mortality! A God who offers such a gift to his creatures must be perverse . . . Let us then praise Eve who opted for intelligence at risk of death, whereas Adam did not realize right away what was at stake. The bliss of ignorance! ” Sounds like Satan’s lie.
The dilemma both Satan and Onfray present here is a false one that is based on a lie. Yet, that is the heart of the great struggle we face. As John Piper says, “I take “the knowledge of good and evil” to refer to a status of independence from God in which Adam and Eve would decide for themselves apart from God what is good and what is evil. So eating from this tree would mean a declaration of independence from God.” That is the issue. Do we believe God or the lie? But, we must be aware because to choice poorly is to face the consequences.
C. We question the very goodness of God.
When we convince ourselves we are less happy or fulfilled if we obey God’s plan we question the goodness of God and His design for us. But, we are then left with our own design and plan which will inevitably be self-centered and its consequences tragic. The enemy of life in God is an independent and covetous will. As a result, it distorts God’s image; it puts us in competition with God- a competition we cannot win.
ILLUSTRATE: A frequently state hypothetical question is, “What would have happened is Adam and Eve would not have disobeyed?” This is the question C.S. Lewis addresses in one of his books of his science fiction trilogy titled, “Perelandra”.
Perelandra, like the early Garden of Eden, is a world of many and varied delights. Like Eve the woman in the book is tempted only in this story does not succumb. But, through avoiding the temptation and consequences she learns and grows far beyond what she would have learned by succumbing to it. In other words, we grow far more and are far better off, by obeying God. He has our best interest in mind. The God who knows us best wants our best.
APPLY: The point regarding marriage is this. God designed marriage as a loving relationship between a male and a female with complementary roles to play. By acting on her own, independent of Adam she was questioning her role in the relationship and by questioning Gods goodness. We do the same when we sin.
THEME: Marriages are strengthened when we face up to our rebellious self-obsession.
What is the root cause of destructive conflict in our marriages?
II. We falsely believe we can be like God. (5-7)
“For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”
A. Pride is the source of most, if not all, rebellion against God. Notice the ultimate lie. “You will be like God.” This belief is the heart of what is wrong with this world. It is the root of all conflict, alienation, and pain. We foolishly believe we can be like God. Therefore, we believe don’t need Him or His plan or His will. We can make our own choices regarding what is best for us because “I am like God”. But we still cannot get around the consequence of our ineptitude.
What this means for marriage is that we have two people who are self-appointed “gods” who are in competition with the one true God as well as each other. Each tries to determine their own reality, their own morality and their own importance independent of the God who created them. It is a path toward disaster because without an objective standard of fairness and morality we left to our own fickle judgments that are guaranteed to lead to conflict- god against god. Instead of completing each other, as God designed, they are competing with each other to have their own desires fulfilled. In contrast, you must recognize there is only one God and you are not Him. We both must submit to Him knowing He has your best interest in mind.
Time Keller speaks to this, “Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed with each other before the Fall. There was no anxiety, no hiding. There was a sense of a primordial, ancient unity and accord that Adam and Eve had then that we’ve not experienced since because sin entered and disrupted the unity that they had. When you see marriage as completion, submission finds its place. ” But, in a world of false god against false god submission has no place.
B. When we reject God’s plan we place ourselves in opposition to Him.
The Bible often address us as enemies of God because we rebel against Him. The whole point of Christianity is to be reconciled to God. Notice Colossians 1: 21-22, “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22 But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” In that verse, we find our hope for stronger marriages. It begins with reconciliation to God.
C. We can never be like God. That is the great lie that is the source of all evil.
John Piper presents the problem pride poses this way, “By acting on this lie Adam himself, not just his spouse, has broken covenant with God. If she is rebellious and selfish, and therefore unsafe, so am I. But the way I experience it in myself is that I feel defiled and guilty and unworthy. That’s, in fact, what I am… So my wife might be the safest person in the world, but now my own sense of guilt and unworthiness makes me feel vulnerable. The simple, open nakedness of innocence now feels inconsistent with the guilty person that I am. I feel ashamed… Eve is no longer reliable to cherish me; she has become selfish and I feel vulnerable to her putting me down for her own selfish ends. The other is that I already know that I am guilty myself, and the nakedness of innocence contradicts my unworthiness.
ILLUSTRATE: “In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person. You think he or she is wonderful. But a year or two later— or, just as often, a month or two— three things usually happen. First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is. Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are. And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse’s selfishness is more problematic than your own. This is especially true if you feel that you’ve had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt.”
APPLY: Here is why marriage is in such a bad state. If you do nothing but urge people to “look out for number one”, as our culture has done, you will be setting them up for future failure in any relationship, especially marriage. The better alternative is to determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse’s. Why? Only you have complete access to your own selfishness, and only you have complete responsibility for it. So each spouse should take the Bible seriously and should make a commitment to “give yourself up.”
THEME: Marriages are strengthened when we face up to our rebellious self-obsession.
What is the root cause of destructive conflict in our marriages?
III. We falsely believe we can deal with the result of sin on our own. (7)
7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
A. We become self-centered and self-obsessed.
When the first couple ate from the tree the covenant between them and God was broken and with it, the foundation of their own relationship collapsed. The covenant was this: God would govern them for their good and they would enjoy him in that security and rely on him. The corruption of their own covenant love for each other was impacted by this in two ways.
1. I am self-conscious of my body and I feel vulnerable to shame because I know Eve has chosen to be independent from God. She has made herself central in the place of God. She is essentially now a selfish person. From this day forward, she will put herself first. She is no longer a servant. So she is not safe. And I feel vulnerable around her because she is very likely to put me down if that puts her up. So suddenly my nakedness is precarious because I don’t trust her anymore to love me with pure, covenant-keeping love.
2. If she is rebellious and selfish, and therefore unsafe, so am I. I experience that same self-centeredness myself. I feel defiled and guilty and unworthy because that’s, in fact, what I am.
B. We become threatened and act in desperation when our sin is exposed.
We are desperate because feel threatened which drives us to hide. Desperation is always followed by an act that is intended to hide or restore our true vulnerable self. The fig-leaves are their attempt at dealing with their vulnerability and desperation- and it failed miserably. And so it is for all of us and like them, we try to hide or cover our sin.
C. Only God can address the sin issue that we try to hide. We cannot deal with the problem that has damaged our relationships by hiding. The sin is too great for us to deal with it on our own. We cannot pay the penalty by covering it up. We must first acknowledge our own sin and guilt before God and each other. Only then can restoration occur. That relationship is made possible through what Jesus did by dying on the cross for our sin.
ILLUSTRATE: In II Corinthians 5:15 Paul speaks to the heart of the problem, “And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”
APPLY: There it is. There is our solution. Stop living for yourself but for him who died for you.
THEME: Marriages are strengthened when we face up to our rebellious self-obsession.
SAY WHAT YOU HAVE SAID: This morning we revisited what went wrong to damage our relationships and posed the question, “What is the root cause of destructive conflict in our marriages?” We will learn that we have rejected God’s desire for us because we believe we know better. And, when try our plan it fails and then we think we can fix it on our own.
TIE INTO OPENING SENTENCE: The sigh of longing that my sister felt many years ago is a sigh we all have for something that seems elusive.
APPLY TO SPECIFIC AUDIENCE:
1. God created marriage for our good and most of us long to sing with Adam the song of joy when God placed Eve before Him. The fact that we have the desire and the fact it I not realized shows that something is broken.
2. That broken something is us. We are self-centered creatures who have bought into a lie and we have to stop thinking that people are going to treat us as perfect when they are not.
3. We must acknowledge our selfishness and stop trying to “fix it” on our own. We must surrender ourselves to God first and allow His Spirit to transform our hearts.
HAYMAKER: Elizabeth Landau, a 32-year-old single person, wrote in a Scientific American article that a lot of people her age (Millennials) are what she calls "commitment-phobes." She writes, "I feel left behind in what Vanity Fair described as a 'dating apocalypse.' Of course, plenty of single men and women like me don't seek out one-night stands. But I feel like, in the dating-app era, many aren't keen on investing lots of quality time in any particular match when a better one might be a swipe away." Landau continues: "My outlook may have entered a vicious cycle: It's hard to get excited about meeting someone who won't care about you that much."
As we saw earlier Millennials are the least likely group of any in history to marry. But why? More than half of the Millennials surveyed by Pew characterize their own cohort as self-absorbed. "Trying to live with somebody else and putting their needs first is more difficult when you have been raised to put yourself first," says San Diego State University psychologist Jean Twenge.
In this simple statement, we see the heart of the problem. The solution lies in submitting ourselves to God first and learning to submit to each other.
THEME: Marriages are strengthened when we face up to our rebellious self-obsession.
