RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE
V. ENJOYING, ENDURING, OR DISSOLVING
INTRODUCTION
Marriage can be the most happy, mediocre, or unhappy of life's experiences. God designed the opposite sexes to complement each other. He wanted a man and woman to be joined in marriage so that they might each give to the other what each one lacked. But these differences that can complement and blend two unique individuals into one can also be incompatibilities that divide and cause separation instead of oneness.
Tim Lahaye How to be Happy Though Married Intro
A. ENJOYING
Introduction: For every ten marriages occurring in America today, five will end in bitter conflict and divorce. That is tragic . . . but have you ever wondered what happens to the other five? Do they sail blissfully into the sunset? Hardly! According to clinical psychologist Neil Warren, who appeared on "Focus on the Family", all five will stay together for a lifetime, but in varying degrees, of disharmony. He quoted the research of Dr. John Cuber whose findings were published in a book entitled The Significant Americans. Cuber learned that some couples will remain married for the benefit of the children, while others will pass the years in relative apathy. Incredibly, only one or two out of ten will achieve what might be called "intimacy" in the relationship. By intimacy Dr. Warren is referring to the mystical bond of friendship, commitment, and understanding that almost defies explanation. It occurs when a man and woman, being separate and distinct individuals, are fused into a single unit which the Bible calls "one flesh." Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pg 14-15
1. To enjoy marriage, one must first enjoy the One who ordained marriage and
Made male and female.
Genesis 2:24
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
But this one flesh, must serve the one God. No marriage is complete
Without God in the center bonding the male and female in a special way
not understood by the world. --- "they shall be one flesh."
-- According to a survey of Christian marriages taken by Dr. Pitirim
Sorokin of Harvard University, where "the family practice of Bible study
and prayer is daily observed, there is only one divorce in every 1015
marriages." pg 49
Someone has said, "You can't quarrel with the woman you have prayed
with every day." pg 126
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
No man can walk in the Spirit and be mad at his wife (Galatians 5:16). pg 121
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
Many young marrieds get so involved in each other and the acquisition of things for their home that they neglect Christian service. pg 47
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
2. MALES AND FEMALES DIFFER BIOLOGICALLY
To enjoy marriage, you must recognize that males and females differ biologically.
Biological differences between the sexes:
1. Men and women differ in every cell of their bodies. This difference in the chromosome combination is the basic cause of development into maleness or femaleness as the case may be.
2. Woman has greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of this chromosome difference. Normally, she outlives man by three of four years, in the U.S.
3. The sexes differ in their basal metabolism--that of woman being normally lower than that
of a man.
4. They differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, chin less
protruding, shorter legs, and longer trunk. The first finger of a woman's hand is usually longer than the third; with men the reverse is true. Boys' teeth last longer than do those of girls.
5. Woman has a larger stomach, kidneys, liver, and appendix, and smaller lungs.
6. In functions, woman has several very important ones totally lacking in man--menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. All of these influence behavior and feeling. She has more different hormones than does man. The same gland behaves differently in the two sexes—thus
woman's thyroid is larger and more active; it enlarges during pregnancy but also during
menstruation; it makes her more prone to goiter, provides resistance to cold, is associated with the smooth skin, relatively hairless body, and thin layer of subcutaneous fat which are important elements in the concept of personal beauty. It also contributes to emotional instability---she laughs and cries more easily.
--Note on menstruation
In any large group of women of child-bearing age, 18% will be menstruating at any one
time. Against this percentage, autopsies of women suicides find that 40%, 50%, even 60% were menstruating at the time they took their own lives.
Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pg 41
Dr. Katherine Dalton, in The Premenstrual Syndrome summarizes many studies of
Behavior change that show a large portion of women's crimes (63% in an English study,
84% in a French study) are not distributed evenly over time, but cluster in the
premenstrual period along with suicides, accidents, a decline in the quality of school work, decline in intelligence test scores, visual acuity, and response speed. Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson pg 41
7. Woman's blood contains more water (20% fewer red blood cells). Since these supply oxygen
to the body cells, she tires more easily, is more prone to faint. Her constitutional viability
is therefore strictly a long-range matter. When the working day in British factories, under wartime conditions, was increased from 10 to 12 hours, accidents of women increased
150%, of men, not at all.
8. In brute strength, men are 50% above women.
9. Woman's heart beats more rapidly (80 vs. 72 for men); blood pressure (10 points lower than
man) varies from minute to minute; but she has much less tendency to high blood
pressure--at least until after the menopause.
10. Her vital capacity of breathing power is lower in the 7:10 ratio.
11. She stands high temperature better than does man; metabolism slows down less.
Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pgs 42-43
3. MALES AND FEMALES DIFFER IN SEXUAL APPETITES
To enjoy marriage, you must recognize that males and females differ
in sexual appetites.
Men and women differ significantly in their sexual appetites, and those differences should be comprehended by both the husband and wife. For a man, intercourse is much more physiological than it is for a woman. This means that he is more easily stimulated visually and typically becomes excited more quickly than she. Within moments, the idea of sexual relations can enter his mind, and four or five minutes later the act might be finished and he is asleep again.
Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pgs 88
A female reader contacted Ann Landers in response to a published letter and posed this challenge: "If you were to ask 100 women how they feel about sexual intercourse, 98 would say, Just hold me close and be tender. Forget about the act."
A few months later, Ann Landers published the following results of the polls:
90,000 women cast their ballots.
72% said yes they would be content to be held close and treated tenderly and forget about the act.
Of those who said yes, 40% were under 40 years old.
4. MORE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES
Gary Smalley Tape #1
Men are basically left brain dominant; women are basically right brain dominant
5 Significant Differences Between Males and Females
1- Men tend to want to discover and express facts
Women tend to want to express emotions and feelings
Average man speaks 12,000 words per day
Average woman speaks 25,000 words per day
2- Men need solutions; women need to give sympathy
3- Men tend to be more objective; women tend to be more personal
4- Men can separate who we are from our surroundings
It is difficult for women to separate themselves from the surroundings. Women need relationships on the job, at
home
5- Men tend to generalize details; women tend to get real detailed
5. FOUR ESSENTIAL THINGS TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
Smalley Tape #2
4 Essential Things to Good Relationships:
1- Security
Is knowing that somebody is committed to that person for life. The more
Insecurity, the more problems you’re going to have. Whatever it takes
we are going to do it together. We will solve each problem. You must say it
to each problem. You must say it to each other in words and in action. Real
love is a committedment to live with and care for someone.
2- Meaningful Conversation (Communication)
Sharing feelings, talking about ordinary things.
Average home needs about one hour per day.
Average female can produce 250,000 facial expressions.
3- Romantic emotional experience on a regular basis. Such as walks, weekends
away, cabin retreat.
A West German Insurance Co. did a study: Men who kiss their wives good-bye
live an average of 5 1/2 years longer and earn 20-30% more money than men
who do not.
Zig Ziglar says, "Men, your life depends on it."
4-Physical needs--- Touch
80% of a woman's need is non-sexual touch.
Men are like a microwave oven. Women are like crock pots, they like to warm up. Women need 8-12 meaningful touches daily to maintain an emotional touch balance.
A man is aroused by what he sees; a woman, by what she hears. The greatest erogenous zone of a woman's body is her heart. It is the words she hears from her husband that readies her heart and "opens up" her body. For her, the sexual act is not an event with a definite beginning and end. Rather, all that she does is enclosed in this atmosphere of love. Her thinking and feeling are centered on her husband even if she is working, preparing a meal, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or shopping. She cannot separate her body from her soul. That which she feels inside is the same as that which she expresses outwardly.
Husbands and Wives: A Guide to Solving Problems and Building Relationships
Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, General Editors with LaVonne Neff 1988
Victor Books pg 249
6. COUPLES WHO ENJOY MARRIAGE, FIGHT . . . FAIR
FIGHTING FAIR
By Zig Ziglar
When you fight, you need to fight fair. You never say vicious things about your mate.
When the conflict begins to brew, you need to get two chairs and put them 21 inches apart. Then have a seat and call your mate and have your mate sit in one and you in the other. You reach out and hold your mate's hand and say, "Honey, we got to have us a fight." People would respond, "What kind of fight can you have when holding hands?" Not much of one at all. That's the sole purpose.
Ground rules:
1- Each person states with emotion, "You are my best friend."
2- State together with emotion, "It is not who is right, but what is right."
3- Think to yourself, "Unresolved conflict festers and grows instead of just going away."
4- Determine to bend over backward in solving the challenge. By bending over backward, you will never fall on your face.
5- Regardless of who's at fault, don't place the blame just fix the cause.
6- Remember that the one who takes the first step at reconciliation, is demonstrating maturity.
7- Discuss the matter at hand. The angrier or more upset you become, the slower and lower you must speak.
8- Deal with issues, not personalities.
9- Make no personal attacks. Deal with the facts, not "that was dumb", or "you idiot", but say, "I feel disappointed", or "this incident makes me feel _______".
10- Arrive at a resolution or a solution. If you can't agree, return to the chairs and fight again tomorrow.
11- Go to bed happy. The bed must be unmade before you get in, but you and your spouse must be made up before going to bed.
12- Have fun when you fight.
FIGHTING FAIR
By Gary D. Bennett
Don't be afraid to fight. It's expected and OK if it's done constructively and fairly. Couples need not feel devastated by fighting; instead they can use fighting as a tool to reach deeper communication.
Basic Rules for Fighting Fair
1- You must be willing to change yourself, not your spouse. You cannot make another person change. You can encourage and try to motivate, but you have control only over yourself, and even then imperfectly. So work at seeing how you've contributed to the problem, and change that.
2- If possible, choose a good time and place to fight, preferably away from children. Avoid using your bedroom for fight; keep it for rest, relaxation, and recreation (make love, not war, in your bedroom).
3- Set a time limit to avoid interminable fighting. Allow only a given amount of your precious time to fight about a given problem.
4- Agree on a specific "beef" and stick to it. Leave out the past, and don't get sidetracked on incidental issues. Work together to resolve one problem at a time.
5- Keep your focus. Concentrate on dealing with the real problem and not just the symptoms.
6- Do your best not to bicker and nag. No low blows, name calling, or bringing up material you know will hurt your spouse.
7- Listen carefully. Don't be thinking about what you're going to say next, but pay attention to what your spouse is saying. Don't presume you know what your spouse thinks, feels, or is going to say. Wait to hear.
8- Respect your spouse's feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they merely are. Your spouse has a right to his or her own feelings, even if they differ from yours. Revealing feelings is risky; it make a person vulnerable to being hurt. Don't use intimate knowledge of your spouse's feelings as a weapon to hurt him or her.
9- At the end of the pre-set time, try to reach a conclusion--even if it's to postpone the fight to another time. Or simply to agree or disagree.
10- Forgive readily when it's all over. Don't leave the fight with resentment, anger, or an "I'll get even" attitude. Settle your feelings together before ending the session. You may not be able to forget an issue, but forgiving each other and then sharing in prayer and seeking God's wisdom can be a tremendous sealer of love. "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry" (Eph. 3:26).
UNFAIR FIGHTING
Fighting gets its bad name because many people don't fight fairly. Some evidences of not fighting fair are:
1- Not listening to one another.
2- Giving up on each other; no longer caring; no longer willing to share and talk things out.
3- Not being honest; lying; telling half-truths to protect oneself.
4- Not being open; refusing to talk about subjects because of past pain or present feelings.
5- Losing confidence in the relationship; not trusting a spouse's judgment, abilities, intelligence, ability to learn and change; relying on friends or parents more than spouse.
6- Losing ability to plan, work, and play together; never wanting to be alone with each other except for sex or sleep.
7- Doubting each other; not fully trusting each other because of previous hurts.
8- Frequently escaping through avoidance, sleep, TV, hobbies, work, clubs, silence, and so on.
9- Bickering and nagging; rudeness; name calling; crudeness about the other's relatives.
B. ENDURING
1. A couple starts out their marriage very much in love. Because of their natural
differences, which gradually become more and more apparent, conflict
comes into their relationship. If they don't learn how to resolve these
conflicts their love will be replaced by hostility and animosity, reducing
their chance for a happy marriage.
Tim Lahaye How to be Happy Though Married Intro
2. The Marriage Quiz ---
1. A husband’s marital satisfaction is usually lower if the wife is employed full time
than if she is a full-time homemaker.
2. Today most young, single, never-married people will eventually get married.
3. In most marriages, having a child improves marital satisfaction for both spouses.
4. The best single predictor of overall marital satisfaction is the quality of a couples
sex life.
5. The divorce rate in America increased from 1960-1980.
6. A greater percentage of wives are in the work force today than in 1970.
7. Marital satisfaction for a wife is usually lower if she is employed full time than
if she is a full-time homemaker.
8. If my spouse loves me, he—she should instinctively know what I want and need to
be happy.
9. In a marriage in which the wife is employed full time, the husband usually assumes
an equal share of the housekeeping.
10. For most couple, marital satisfaction gradually increases from the first year
of marriage.
11. No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because he—she is
my spouse.
12. One of the most frequent marital problems is poor communication.
13. Husbands usually make more life-style adjustments in marriage than wives.
14. Couples who have cohabitated (lived together) before marriage usually report
greater marital satisfaction than couples who did not.
15. I can change my spouse by pointing out his-her inadequacies.
Take the quiz before proceeding.
F1. A husband’s marital satisfaction is usually lower if the wife is employed full time
than if she is a full-time homemaker.
T2. Today most young, single, never-married people will eventually get married.
F3. In most marriages, having a child improves marital satisfaction for both spouses.
F4. The best single predictor of overall marital satisfaction is the quality of a couples
sex life.
T5. The divorce rate in America increased from 1960-1980.
T6. A greater percentage of wives are in the work force today than in 1970.
F7. Marital satisfaction for a wife is usually lower if she is employed full time than
if she is a full-time homemaker.
F8. If my spouse loves me, he—she should instinctively know what I want and need to
be happy.
F9. In a marriage in which the wife is employed full time, the husband usually assumes
an equal share of the housekeeping.
F10. For most couple, marital satisfaction gradually increases from the first year
of marriage.
F11. No matter how I behave, my spouse should love me simply because he—she is
my spouse.
T12. One of the most frequent marital problems is poor communication.
F13. Husbands usually make more life-style adjustments in marriage than wives.
F14. Couples who have cohabitated (lived together) before marriage usually report
greater marital satisfaction than couples who did not.
F15. I can change my spouse by pointing out his-her inadequacies.
3. Three Questions That Can Help a Man Tap Into a Woman's Built-In
Marriage Manual:
a. On a scale from one to ten, with zero being terrible and ten being a
great marriage, where would you like our relationship to be?
b. On a scale from one to ten, overall, where would you rate our marriage
today?
c. As you look at our relationship, what are some specific things we could
do over the next six weeks that would move us closer to ten?
4. Push and Pull Marriages
One partner reaches out to pull the other partner in. The spouse stiffens at
The thought, and emotionally pushes the other way. In a push-pull
marriage pattern, two energies are going at the same time but each in a
different direction.
a. Look at some of the telltale characteristics that signal a push-pull
marriage.
(1) Downhill arguing. Patterns of push and pull generally result in angry exchanges. And usually it isn't constructive
anger. Hot, angry words can cause deep wounds.
Problems may be pointed out but solutions rarely result. Stubbornness rather than flexible communication prevails.
(2) Poor Listening. Listening skills in a push-pull marriage are
usually extremely poor (hearing and listening are not the same). One person expresses a need but the need doesn't register with the spouse. In this situation, the personal needs of one block out the communicated needs of the other.
(3) Game-playing. Each partner wants to come out on top of
every power struggle. Games of one-upmanship become the norm, and neither partner is willing to concede, so the struggle goes on.
(4) Using control tactics. The kinds of techniques marriage
partners use to effectively achieve their goals are limited
only by imagination. Some favorite control tactics
employed by both pushers and pullers are: shouting, silence, leaving the room, arguing, withholding sex, pleading, procrastinating, or threatening divorce.
(5) Playing with truth. Couples enmeshed in a push-pull marriage
find it easy to "play with" the truth. They may twist and
turn it to suit their purposes, or color it if doing so will give them an advantage. They may not lie directly, but they avoid complete honesty. It's too costly.
(6) "My-needs"-are-most-important syndrome. In a push-pull
pattern, it becomes easy to focus only on "my needs." Selfishness prevails, creating a feeling of futility and empty desperation. The self-focused partner begins to feel that "If something is not done soon to solve my problems, I won't be any good to the marriage anyway."
(7) Picking up the "same ol" problems." Push-pull patterns easily
develop habitual behavior that produces unsatisfactory resolutions. Root problems that fuel conflicts in the first
place get stored on the shelf for future reference. Issues are never really solved. One or both partners eventually feel the urge to come back and pick up the leftover problems. "Maybe this time," they thing, "we can resolve it for good." What a waste of energy.
(8) Quitting too quickly. Confrontation takes energy. And when
push-pull confrontation continues on a regular basis, it's easy to become tired and defeated. Hope withers when no positive change takes place. Good intentions dissolve in feelings of defeat.
The Push-Pull Marriage: learning and living the art of
give-and-take
by Les Carter Baker Book House 1983 pgs. 15-16
b. Pushers---If you have ten or more of these traits, you probably have a strong tendency to be a pusher.
(1) Do not like to be disturbed.
(2) Like to do things in unvarying patterns.
(3) Often resort to power tactics (silent treatment, hard-headed resistance, etc.).
(4) Are touchy about being told what to do.
(5) Usually have a strong competitive nature.
(6) Are perfectionists in some areas.
(7) May be described by others as bossy or controlling.
(8) Prefer to keep their emotions hidden.
(9) Are conscientious and orderly.
(10) May be considered by others as stubborn.
(11) Tend to be critical.
(12) Are strict.
(13) Express strong convictions.
(14) Express anger easier than warmth.
(15) Tend to be self-willed.
(16) Complain about feeling smothered.
(17) Find that interpersonal relations are stiff.
(18) Expect a lot from other people.
(19) Give love and acceptance conditionally.
(20) Admire the take-charge attitude (as long as no one imposes this on them).
(21) Are often preoccupied.
(22) Find it difficult to admit mistakes openly.
(23) Demand complete loyalty from those closest to them.
(24) Cringe at criticism.
(25) Are cautious about deeply personal involvements. pg 21
c. Pullers
If you can identify with ten or more of these traits you probably
find yourself frequently in the pulling position.
(1) Often let emotions rule them. They are feeling-oriented.
(2) Spontaneously enjoy the fun things in life.
(3) Sometimes speak before they think.
(4) Need outward evidences of being loved.
(5) Allows emotions to fluctuate.
(6) Rely on the approval of others for self-esteem.
(7) Have a hard time delaying gratification.
(8) Would be described by others as sensitive.
(9) Find their emotions easily swinging between love and anger.
(10) Are capable of thinking logically, but don't always apply it.
(11) Sometimes give with the ulterior motive of ultimately
"getting."
(12) Get angry when they don't get their way.
(13) Are skilled at "turning on the charm."
(14) Frequently express mood changes.
(15) View an unfriendly person as a threat.
(16) Like to talk.
(17) Described by others as insistent.
(18) Like to be with people.
(19) Cling to the past.
(20) Idealize marriage.
(21) Are easily excitable.
(22) Can be romantic at times.
(23) Sometimes act childlike.
(24) Use the word should a lot.
pg 29
d. Push and Pull vs. Give and Take
(1) Arguments are destructive. Arguments have a constructive
purpose.
(2) Communication is bogged down. There is open communication.
(3) Game playing is rampant. Cooperation is real.
(4) Control tactics are used. Freedom is allowed.
(5) Expectations are idealistic. Expectations are realistic.
(6) Problems are continually repeated. Partners learn from their
mistakes.
(7) Selfish needs are considered first Other's needs are considered first.
(8) There is a quitter's attitude. Partners keep on trying. pg 57
5. Situations that make marriage and endurance.
a. If the wife works and keeps her money separate from her husband's, it
breeds a feeling of independence and self-sufficiency which God did not intend a married woman to have. pg 29
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
b. A henpecked husband.
I have never known a happy henpecked husband, nor have I met a happy henpecker. pg 28
When a man does not find his rightful place in the home, he frequently is maladjusted outside of the house. pg 43
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
Usually a wife-dominated home is a quarrelsome home until the husband finally "gives up." He then crawls into his shell of introversion and degenerates into a sub-par human being. The sad thing is, a wife will eventually grow to despise the husband she dominates. pg 106
Modern day psychology and education seem to give the women the idea that subjection is an old-fashioned notion that went out with the nineteenth century. But when subjection goes out of the home, so does happiness. pg 106
The Christian woman must be in subjection to her husband! Whether she
likes it or not, subjection is a command of God and her refusal to comply with this command is an act of disobedience. All disobedience is sin; therefore, she cannot expect the blessing of God on her life unless she is willing to obey God. pg 106
Interesting to me as I counseled with this woman was the fact that the more she submitted, the more he led; the more he led, the happier he was, and the happier he was, the happier she was. pg 110
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
c. Making comparisons
A young wife should avoid comparisons between the home her father was able to provide and the little apartment and frugal conditions under which she starts marriage. Remember that parents have had twenty years or more in which to accumulate the possessions they enjoy, and in due time you may hope for the same. The wife's patience and joyous acceptance of her husband's financial capabilities are among the ways she can invest in a long-lasting and happy marriage. pg 30
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
A husband should be very careful to avoid comparisons between his wife and his mother. It is entirely unfair to compare a young wife's ironing, cooking, and housekeeping abilities to those of a woman who has had twenty years of experience. pg 34
d. In-laws
Avoid speaking negatively to your partner's parents; if it is necessary to tell them they are interfering too much in your marriage, always let their offspring do the telling. It is probably wise that husband and wife go together, but the blood relative should state the situation.
pg 34
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
e. Disloyalty
One almost inexcusable practice in marriage is disloyalty. Have you ever been out socially and heard a wife or husband berate and criticize the partner in front of mutual friends? This embarrassing practice is engaged in by partners who do not seem to be able to communicate in private and seek the safety of the group to vent their pent-up wrath. It is one of the most damaging wrongs a person can use against his or her partner.
Never, never air your partner's shortcomings, weaknesses, or deficiencies in front of other people. Never criticize him to your friends or relatives. If you are displeased with your partner's behavior on a matter, there are only two with whom you should share it: God and your partner. pg 37
You should never criticize your partner to others for two reasons. First, rehearsing grudges or nursing gripes stamps them more indelibly upon your mind. Second, the desire for approval is one of the basic drives of man. Nothing can make a person feel less approved of than to find that his partner has been so disloyal as to criticize him to an outsider. If needed your pastor or a professional counselor can be consulted, but don't discuss the situation with anyone else. pg 38
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
Have you ever heard a wife belittling her husband before others? "My husband is the laziest man on earth. He would never get to work if I didn't get him up and steer him in the right direction." "Why, Jim wouldn't recognize a genuine business opportunity if it walked up and shook hands with him." It may all be in fun, but a wife like that cannot be trusted. There is something basically dishonest about a woman who will betray to all who will listen this man whom she has promised to love and honor until death. pg 39
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
f. When the house is not a home.
Everett Barnard, personnel counselor of the Baptist Sunday School Board,
Nashville, Tennessee, says that we relate to others in three basic ways: We love and trust; we control and manipulate; we withdraw and avoid.
Where love is lacking, the wife seeks to manipulate through nagging or the husband attempts to control through brutality. The wife may withdraw by pouting and sulking or the husband "avoid" by returning home only as a last resort. pg 17
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
A woman who after thirty-three years of marriage was named Tennessee's outstanding mother offered this recipe for a happy home: "Spoil your husband, but don't spoil your children." The wife sets the emotional climate of the home. She can make it as warm and inviting and cheery as she likes, or she can make it as cool as a freezer locker. But if she chooses the latter climate, she should remember that she, too, must live in this igloo. Several million husbands will spend this evening in a neighborhood bar or out somewhere with the boys, not because they really want to be there, but because their wives have home the last place they want to go. pg 35
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
Within the family, one can be himself. He does not have to impress anyone. No one notices if there is a hole in his sock--unless perhaps it is with a thoughtful offer to mend it. Here each member of the family is assured a warm place of acceptance and approval. pg 14
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
C. DISSOLVING
The late Dr. M. R. DeHaan, Bible teacher and medical doctor stated, "The nearest thing to heaven on this earth is the Christian family and the home where husband and wife, and parents and children, live in love and peace together for the Lord and for each other. The nearest thing to hell on earth is an ungodly home, broken by sin and iniquity, where parents bicker, quarrel and separate, and children are abandoned to the devil and all the forces of wickedness."
Tim Lahaye How to be Happy Though Married Intro
1. Typical Causes of Divorce:
a. Adultery is one of the main causes of divorce.
40% of married men and 33% of married women have extramarital affairs
b. Being Unaware that there is a problem.
c. Absence --- Can be physically present but mentally absent.
d. Abuse
Zig Ziglar Courtship After Marriage
2. More Causes of Divorce
a. Alcohol is a contributing factor in 90% of divorce cases.
Zig Ziglar Courtship After Marriage
b. Selfishness
Don't try to hide behind academic or economic success to cover your selfishness. Maturity is relative. That is, a man may be a brilliant scientist and a good leader at work, but a selfish, overgrown baby as a husband at home. A woman may be an effective organizer and women's club president or church worker, but a selfish, childish, miserable wife. Face the truth that no matter what you are in the business or academic world, if you fail in your marriage, you have failed in an important area of your life. Selfishness is the greatest cause of marital failure. pg 104
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
One wife drew a well-aimed bead on the male ego as she looked her husband over thoughtfully and remarked: "Tell me, Dear; if you had it to do all over again, would you still fall in love with yourself?" pg 46
3. Physical Results
The stress of separation and divorce places both men and women at risk for psychological and physical difficulties. In comparison with married adults, separated or divorced men and women have higher rates of psychiatric disturbance, admission to psychiatric hospitals, clinical depression, alcoholism, and such psychosomatic problems as sleep disturbances. There is increasing evidence that stressful events of many types--including marital separation--reduce the immune system's capabilities, rendering the separated and divorced individuals vulnerable to disease and infection.
Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior John W. Santrock, 1991 pg. 372
4. Marriages don't fail, people do.
You can marry the right person and treat them wrong and end up with the wrong person.
You can marry the wrong person and treat them right and end up with the right person.
Zig Ziglar Courtship After Marriage
6. Most divorces occur within three years of marriage.
Some years ago a survey on divorce revealed that seven out of ten divorces occurred within the first three years of marriage. pg 25
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye 1968 Living Books
7. Modern Marriage has an increased Demand
Never before have such demands been made of marriage. Once all the husband expected of marriage was progeny and all the wife expected was security. If each found this one thing, the marriage was a success. If either did not, he or she usually made the best of a bad bargain. pg 25
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
Great-grandmother did not expect so much from marriage. If her husband was a good provider, it was enough. But woman's role today no more resembles that of great- grandmother than a station wagon resembles a Conestoga.
One reason great-grandmother was no more demanding in marriage was that marriage was her life. If she failed to catch a husband--any husband--her future was grim. There was one respectable career for her: mother and homemaker. pg 32
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring 1964 Broadman Press
8. Society's Attitude.
We endorse legalized serial bigamy. A man cannot have more than one wife at a time. But he may have as many wives as he chooses and can afford, as long as he chooses them one at a time and neatly disposes of one before promising before God and assembled friends that he will live with the next one "till death do us part." pg 23
Two Shall Be One Reuben Herring --1964 Broadman Press
9. A Biblical Attitude
A conservative attitude is necessary to reduce the likelihood of divorce occurring in your home. Marriage must be viewed as sanctioned by God to last for the lifetime of the individuals involved.
God hates divorce:
a. Because of the incredible hurt it causes the spouse, children, family, and friends.
b. Because if the family suffers, the church and the nation are endangered.
c. Because marriage is a divine metaphor of the relationship between Christa and the Church. God's plan is for us to enjoy beautiful marriages and happy homes, and thus show forth His glory in a fallen world. But we must follow His blueprint, as revealed in the Bible, or else we may eventually shipwreck our marriages as so many others have done.
NINE SUGGESTIONS FOR AN AILING MARRIAGE
1. Never consider divorce an option. It is not a solution to your problem. Divorce is not
an acceptable alternative.
2. Do not compare your mate or your marriage to others. There is not another person on earth
like you. Your mate is also unique. This means that your marriage is unique. Let God
make it what He wants it to be. He will make it perfect!
3. Forgive your mate. You are to forgive as Christ has forgiven you. You are not perfect--so
be willing to forgive one another. And do it right away before bitterness can build up.
4. Stop all criticism. Love does not criticize and find fault. Therefore, if you are critical of your
mate, you do not have a heart of love. Stop all criticism. Instead, try a little praise.
It works like magic.
5. Start communicating with your mate. Communication is completely broken down in many
homes and marriages. Start listening to what you mate is saying as well as what he or
she is not saying. Break down barriers by being vulnerable. Try saying, "Honey, what
is the biggest fault I have?" Then say, "Would you please help me, by the grace of God,
to gain victory over that fault?"
"My husband does not talk to me," is the complaint of 80 percent of American wives. It has
been claimed that "One hundred percent of people seeking professional help for their marriages have problems with communication." "Please talk to me" is the request and basic need in many homes.
6. Refuse any relationship outside your marriage in which affection is sought or given. This substitute could
even be a relative, a friend, or a neighbor. Do not seek to make someone else substitute for what you are
not getting in your marriage. You will never solve your problem doing this.
7. Trust your mate. Trust your spouse, even if he or she is wrong--you are right in trusting. A
marriage must be based on trust. It cannot survive without it.
8. Do something every day to please your mate--something that you know will bring your partner
joy or happiness. This is not asking much--to do one thing--but it pays big dividends.
9. Thank God daily for the best qualities in your mate. Write them down. Concentrate on them
and the positive will soon outshine the negative.
