Relationships and Marriage
III. BEFORE YOU PROMISE
INTRODUCTION:
There was a you man who fell in love with a pretty young lady. He took her home to meet his mother before asking her to marry him. But alas, his mother disliked the girl intensely and refused to give her blessings. Three times this happened with different candidates for marriage , leaving the young man exasperated. Finally, in desperation he found a girl was amazingly like his mother. The walked an talked, and even looked alike, surely my mother will approve of this selection, he thought. With great anticipation he took his new friend home to be considered . . . and behold his father hated her! Love For a Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987
A. Marrying for the wrong reasons.
1. Peer Pressure
All the other girls are engaged.
2. Parental Pressure
When are you going to state looking for a wife-husband?
You must not be husband-shopping in the right place.
What’s wrong with you?
3. Goodbye loneliness
A single person wrote this about her struggle with loneliness: “I can’t think of anything I hate more than being alone. Everywhere I turn I see couples-couples on television in cars, couples on planes, couples in restaurants. Everywhere there are reminders that I am alone. I wonder if I will ever find a person to fill that hole in my heart?
Fit to Be Tied by Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 pg 31
4. Put me back together
Alcoholism, abuse, divorced homes, etc.
In the society of today many young people are growing up in situations that often carry wounds that no one sees, wound that leave them hurt and needy, wounds that drive them to search for someone who can heal them, patch up their broken places, or at least make their pain to subside a little while. Pg 34
A young person who was neglected, devalued, or mistreated during his or her growing-up years often feels like he is drowning emotionally. Feelings swirl around inside him so fast he fears he will get sucked under and never able to come up. Just then a five-foot four-inch blond-haired life preserver floats by. The you man does what any drowning person would do: He grabs on for dear life. Maybe she can help me. Maybe she can help me. Maybe she can save me from drowning. The five-foot four-inch blond interprets this young man’s tight embrace as true love. The storybook kind. That will last for a lifetime. The kind that she has been searching for. Pg 34-35
A man or woman who latches onto a life preserver, dates ferociously for a few months, the get married, is opening the door for disaster. One day the life-preserving spouse is going to get out of bed and say, “Please, can you give me just a little slack? Can you give me a little space? You’ve been clutching me so tightly I’m losing my breath.” And that pain-filled, drowning spouse is going to interpret that request for space as another round of rejection, or neglect. Or abuse-and the threat will be too much to bear. The marriage will go up for grabs. Fit to Be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 pg 37
6. Marrying Moods
Auto industry insiders know that most car buyer purchase cars within forty-eight hours of walking into the first showroom. That is why dealers display new cars so seductively in their showroom, and why salespeople try so hard to seal the deal fast. They know that after forty-eight hours the “mood” will likely wear off. The customer will return to reality and allow good judgment to prevail. Fit to Be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 pg 45
People tend to focus on one or two feathers that capture their attention. The payments may last 5 years. This is a five year decision.
No one would be foolish enough to fixate on one or two features of another person without carefully scrutinizing other qualities, or to get engaged and set a wedding date while their judgment was held hostage by hormones. No one would do that. Would they? Unfortunately, too often they would. You see, there is a marrying mood-a marrying mood that causes temporary insanity and sabotages normal clear-thinking brains. And too many single adults, you and old, get caught up in it pg 47
This should be a lifetime decision.
The wrong car? You can trade in, the wrong house? You can sell it. The wrong spouse? . . .
Unwelcome Advice—People in these moods hate it when a concerned individual tries to give some advice.
B. CHOOSING THE RIGHT MATE Zig Ziglar
1. Invite God, through prayer, to participate in the search.
2. Shop for your mate in the right place.
Yes, I know that occasionally you can find a good biscuit in the garbage can, but the odds are against it. Likewise, any place that is basically destructive of mankind and contrary to biblical principles is going to be frequented by people who are looking for playmates and not life-mates. I’m speaking of nightclubs, casinos, bars, racetracks, and other places where destructive morals the order of the day instead of the exception to the rule.
a. Church & Church Activities
b. Charitable organizations
c. Volunteer services
d. University classes
e. Lectures
3. You must not be unequally yoked
II Cor. 6:14 READ
Not only are the believer’s values, goals, standards, and motivation incompatible to those of an unbeliever; they are diametrically opposed.
4. Find someone with the same general philosophy of life.
If one mate believes in controlled corporal punishment while the other feel ther should not be a hand laid on the child, you have problems. If one person prefers staying home with a book, music, or a TV show, while the other wants to go out to a show or visit friends several nights a week, your lifestyle differences may cause conflict. Husbands and Wives: A Guide to Solving Provblems and Building Relationships Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, General editors with LaVonne Neff 1988 Victor Books pg 96-97
C. COMPATIBILITY
1. Again –Spiritual Compatibility? Why? II Cor 6:14
a. A common Treasure – To ensure that marriage partners will share a common treasure, to make sure that every husband and wife can share that which is most precious to them with their spouse.
b. A Common Blueprint – to enable spouses to build their marriage from a common blueprint. With conflicting designs, conflicting dimensions, and conflicting material, the effort would be doomed.
c. A Common Strength – So both spouses can, through prayer, tap into a common strength in the face of inevitable adversities.
d. Common Values- So children can be raised by parents who share common values. This is no time for little Bobby to have to wonder why Mommy says Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the life, while Daddy uses His name as a curse word.
II Cor 6:14 is not discrimination. It is for our good. It is for the future welfare of every unmarried person. It is God’s protective love expressed in practical form.
Fit to Be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 Zondervan pgs 48-57
2. Education Levels
3. Social Levels
4. Lifestyle
5. Finances
6. Vocation? Professions
7. Cultural and Racial Differences
Attitudes toward time, sex, food, child raising, and money-these can cause problems in any marriage. In a cross-cultural marriage, the differences are all greater. Such a marriage is not for fainthearted.
Husbands and Wives: A Guide to Solving Provblems and Building Relationships Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, General editors with LaVonne Neff 1988 pg 112
D. EXPLORING FAMILY BACKGROUNDS
Many people contend you do no marry the family, but nothing could be further from truth. If you are embarrassed by your future in-laws or are unduly uncomfortable around them, you have a potentially serious trouble spot. Zig Ziglar
1. What kind of relationship does your potential mate have
with his-her parents.
Men, watch the way you wife-to-be treats her father, and you will get a good idea of how she’s going to treat you. Ladies, watch the way hour husband-to-be treats his mother, and you’ll get a pretty clear picture of how he’s going to treat you. Zig Ziglar
2. What are their religious views?
3. Has abuse of any kind occurred in the home?
4. Were alcohol and drugs a part of home?
5 What about homes broken by divorce.
6. Is affection openly expressed in the home?
Fit to Be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 Zondervan pg17
Don’t get picky after you pick!!!
“Each engaged couple, even those who seem perfectly suited for one another, should participate in at least six to ten sessions of premarital counseling with someone who is trained to help then prepare for marriage. The primary purpose of these encounters is to identify the assumptions each partner hold and to work through the areas of potential conflict. The following questions are a few of the issues that should be evaluated and discussed in the presence of a supportive counselor or pastor.
1. Thing to consider early
Where will you live after getting married?
Will the bride work? How long?
Are children planned? How many? How soon? How far apart? Will the wife return to work after babies arrive? How quickly?
How will the kids be disciplined? Fed? Trained?
What church will you attend?
Are there theological differences to be reckoned with?
How will your roles be different?
How will you respond to each set of in-laws?
Where will you spend Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays?
How will financial decision be made?
Who will write the checks?
How do you feel about credit?
Will a car be bought on borrowed money? How soon?
What kind?
If the bride’s friends differ from the groom’s buddies, how will you relate to them?
What are your greatest apprehensions about you fiancé’s?
What expectations do you have from him – her?
2. Additional Observations
Noted counselor and author Norman Wright is perhaps the guru of premarital counseling, having written and spoken extensively on this subject. He discussed his views and made several additional observations.
a. Couples should not announce their engagement or select a wedding date until at least half of the counseling sessions are completed. That way they can gracefully go their separate ways if unresolved conflicts and problem emerge.
b. Couples need to think through the implications of their decisions regarding children. For example, when an engaged man and woman indicate they intend to have three children, each three years apart, they will not be alone at home for twenty-six more years one the first child is born!
c. Spiritual incompatibility is very common in couples today. The man and woman may share the same beliefs system but one partner is often relatively immature and the other is well seasoned.
d. Another frequent source of conflict is the continuation of parental dependency in one or both partner. This problem is more likely to occur if an individual has never lived away from home. Parental overprotection can be a marriage killer if not recognized and handled properly.
e. Many loving parents today are paying for premarital counseling as a gift to an engaged son or daughter. (It may save you from loaning money for divorce.
Love For A Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pgs23-25
