RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE
II. WHEN YOU MEET
Remember physical proximity, attraction, temperaments, beauty, and types of love.
A. Bonding refers to the emotional covenant that links a man and a woman toghether for life and makes them intensely valuable to one another. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other person on the face of the earth. It is God’s gift of
Love For a Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pg 32
B. How does bonding occur? According to Dr’s Joy and Morris, bonding is most likelyy to develop among those who have moved systematically and slowly through twelve steps progression of physical intimacy from which a permanent commitment often evolves.
Love For a Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pg 32
1. Eye to body. A glance reveals much about a person – sex, size, shape, age, personality and status. The importance people place on these criteria determines whether or not they will be attracted to each other.
2. Eye to eye. When a man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, their most natural reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that they might like to become better acquainted.
3. Voice to voice. Their initial conversations are trivial and include questions like “What is your name?” or “What do you do for a living?” During this long stage the two people learn much about each other’s opinions, pastimes, activities, habits, hobbies, likes and dislikes. If they’re compatible, they become friends.
(Different standards will stop at different points until marriage occurs.)
4. Hand to hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a nonromantic occasion such as when the man helps the woman descent a step or aids her across an obstacle. At this point either of the individuals can withdraw from the relationship without rejecting the other. However, if continued, hand-to-hand contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple’s romantic attachment to each other.
5. Hand to shoulder. This affectionate embrace is still noncommittal. It is a “buddy” concerned with the world in front of them than they are with each other. The hand-to shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than a close friendship, but probably not real love.
6. Hand to waist. Because this is something two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic. They are close enough to be sharing secrets of intimate language with each other. Yet, as they walk side by side with hand to waist, they are still facing forward.
7. Face to face. This level of contact involves gazing into one another’s eyes, hugging and kissing. If none of the previous steps were sipped, the man and woman will have developed a specific code from experience that enables them to engage in deep commination with very few words. At this point, sexual desire becomes and important factor in the relationship.
8. Hand to head. This is an extension of the previous stage. The man and woman tend to cradle or stroke on each other’s head while kissing and talking. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless they are either romantically love or family members. It is a designation of emotional closeness.
9-12 The final steps. The last four levels of involvement are distinctly sexual and private. They are (9) hand to body, (10) mouth to breast, (11) touching below the waist, and (12) intercourse. Obviously, the final acts of physical contact should be reserved for marital relationship, since they are progressively sexual and intensely personal Love for a Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pgs 32-34
C. Recommendations that will contribute to life-long marriage.
1. Don’t rush the courtship period when they have found the “one and only”.
2. Make the final choice of marital partner very carefully and prayerfully . . . never impulsiveness or recklessly.
3. Proceed through the first nine stage of intimacy one at a time in the order indicated.
4. Do not progress to later stages before marriage. Enter the marriage bed as a virgin.
5. Seek to marry a virgin.
6. Remain faithful to your marriage partner for life.
7. Continue to meander through the stages or bonding throughout your marriage life, enjoying the wonder of intimate love.
Love for a Lifetime Dr. James C. Dobson 1987 pgs 35-36
D. The Danger of the “One and Only” Theory?
“Somewhere on planet earth there is a special someone for you. God designed this person before the foundations of the foundations of the world to be your lift time mate.” This suggest that out of the seven billion human being that inhabit planet earth, God prepared one – and only one – to be your spouse.
Fit to be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 pg 115
This theory appears to be harmless, but it can be downright dangerous for a couple who is trying hard to make their marriage work, but making little headway. They’re frustrated, but they keep plodding along until they stumble upon the “one and only” theory. Suddenly, a light bulb goes on. Here’s our problem. You’re not my one and only, and I’m not yours. These marriages will never work. We missed. God can’t bless this marriage so why keep hitting our heads against brick walls? Let’s part ways and find our one and only. Their assumption is that if they find their one and only, marriage will be easy.
Even those who convictions will not let them part ways, live with the burden of regret. I missed my one and only. Fit to Be Tied Bill and Lynne Hybels 1991 pg 116
Does God place this restriction? Where does the idea come from? Gen. 2:20-23 with Adam? Gen. 24 Rebekah?
1. What about Adam and Eve?
Some Christians take this passage to indicate that for each man, God has prepared one woman who is perfectly suited to be his wife. However, nothing ever said here about mate selection. No promise is made, or implied, that God will prepare and introduce men and women that He has hosed to be joined in marriage as he prepared and introduce Adam and eve. The whole scenario is an extraordinary event never again repeated in biblical history. There could only be one first man and one first woman. That’s what it took to start the human race.
Perhaps the safest deduction one could make from this passage concerning mate selection is this: if you ever discover that you are the only surviving representative of your sex in the world, and you come across your only existing counterpart, the two of you should consider marriage.
Husbands and Wives: A Guide to Solving Problems and Building Relationships
Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, General Editors with LaVonne Neff 1988 Victor Books pg 99
2. What about Abraham’s served and Rebekah?
This situation is not normative. Making allowances for differences in time and culture, a man could hire a representative from a Christian dating agency. He could send the agent on a search to find a wife for his son. The agent could drive into a service station, offer a prayer, and sign up for the first woman who meets his request for a drink by bringing him a Coke and checking his radiator. The idea sound preposterous, but if Gen. 24 is normative, it would be a legitimate approach to mate selection.
Husbands and Wives: A Guide to solving Problems and Building Relationships
Howard and Jeanne Hendricks, General Editors with LaVonne Neff 1988 Victor Books pg 100
Is this another Gideon’s fleece?
3. Gen 24 is not how God customarily works in the lives of His people.
a. The Bible does not promise that very believer will marry.
b. God does not always promise special guidance to guarantee the success of our ventures.
c. The servant’s method of finding God’s will was not normative even then.
4. Think about it
If person A should marry person B and person C should marry person D, but
Person A marries person C out of the will of God, then persons B and D can
Never marry in the will of God if God had a one-and –only for them. If persons
B and D ever marry, they marry out of the will of God and cause a domino effect
of person marrying out to the will of God.
5. What about I Cor. 7:39? “to whom she will”
