There is no script or instruction manual, for being a good father.
Most men are thrust into the task of fatherhood that will change how we view our earthly father, Heavenly Father, and even ourselves forever. It is an adventure that will challenge us, drain us, beat us up, lending us to a few victorious moments and many more moments of shame, discouragement, and disappointment.
When I became a father the first time, I was scared to death that I was going to be the failure that I experienced in my fatherless home. While I wish I would have had someone walk this journey with me, often I felt alone guided by the challenges I faced moment to moment, more than guidance I received.
Equally, I was not quite prepared for the overwhelming regret I felt after my first child left our home for college. While I was not a “failure as a father," the overwhelming feeling of guilt I experienced for not investing more time in conversation, prayer, listening, and bible reading caught me by surprise. One of my close friends who is father and grandfather warned me months in advance that there would be profound emotional feelings that would catch me by surprise, and he was right.
There were many moments during fatherhood I have reflected on the father characters in the Bible. One being King David. While he was dubbed a man after God’s own heart, he appears in scripture to have many challenges as a father with children who despised, deposed, and dismissed his leadership. And even though David was raised in a good home with a good father, the pressures, and drama of power, politics, combat, lust, positioning, success, and failure seem to hijack his ability to invest successfully in the life of his children. Still, he was known as a man after God’s own heart.
Throughout scripture, we see many different types of fathers. Men who left a legacy of their fatherhood and the positive or negative wake it left behind. Take for example King Saul in whom we see the Abusive Father, who had moments of embittered anger toward his son Jonathan (1 Samuel 20:30). In King David, we see the Absent Father who is engaged but absorbed in his ventures and therefore misses opportunities with his children. In High Priest Eli we note the Abandoned Father who abdicates his leadership and fails to address his sons need for correction and direction (1 Samuel 2:22). In Abraham, we see the image of the Appointed Father who would become the father of incredible faith that would become the model man, leader, and husband (Genesis 18:19). In Noah, we see the Adventurous Father who in spite of challenges and obstacles plows through hardship and leads his family to safety and victory (Genesis 7:13-14). And we even have the Audacious Step-Father in Joseph who is a vision discovers his calling and becomes the human caretaker for the God of the Universe, Jesus Christ (Matthew 1:20).
Each of these men gives us an understanding of what it looks like to be a good father whether this is through their success or short-comings.
Yet the felt impact of fathers is tremendous in either direction. Many of us know these infamous men. Billy The Kid, Saddam Hussein, Robert Graysmith, Jack the Ripper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolph Hitler, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Charles Manson. Each grew up in a fatherless home and the ramifications we felt by millions. In fact, 90% of felons currently being incarcerated grew up in fatherless homes, which is a remarkable statistic. And there are dozens of facts to support this.
TWO DISTURBING FACTS THAT COULD BE INCLUDED:
The National Center For Fathering reported in 2011 that, “Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.”
Brad Wilcox, University of Virginia Professor, pointed out in 2013: “From shootings at M.I.T. to the University of Central Florida to the Ronald E. McNair Discovery Learning Academy in Decatur, GA, nearly every shooting over the last year in Wikipedia’s ‘list of U.S. school attacks’ involved a young man whose parents divorced or never married in the first place.”
But on the flip side, it is undeniable that some people get a leg up in life just because they had a father who was present to them. People like Andy Stanley, John Maxwell, Peyton & Eli Manning, Ben Stiller, and other great men will undoubtedly tell you that having great fathers led to their success and gave them advance awareness and an unfair advantage over other son’s because they had Dads who invested in them.
TRANSITION:
I pray the two critical components I am sharing with you today will give you just that type of advantage. So if you are a dad, or are just thinking about becoming a dad, then take note of these two components.
As I have been a father for the last 20+ years, I have discovered two critical components of being a father that I wish I would have learned and simplified years ago. These two lessons are lessons I wished I would have learned years ago. And my hope in passing them onto you that they will empower you for great success.
They are both taken from a key and profound Old Testament text found in Deuteronomy 6:4-9. Jews often know this text as the Shema which is the first word of the text in the Hebrew language. The word Shema means “Hear.” Let’s read it together.
"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ESV
Being A Good Father | Critical Component One: Find Your Identity & Priority In God.
I think one of the enormous challenges of living this life, regardless of whether we are a man or woman, or regardless of our stage in life is the identity challenge. I think this factor is one of the significant challenges because each stage of our life presents us with attractive options that can alter or misshape this identity. These challenges offer such alluring options that they distract us from becoming the men, father, husbands, and Christ followers that God wants us to be. For example, when I am in my teen years my challenge may be finding my identity through the pressures imposed by my social group. As I enter college, the challenge is finding my identity in an ocean of opportunity before me. As I begin a career, the challenge is finding my identity in my role, gifts, and talents. In marriage, it is finding my identity with a person that I intend on spending my life with. As children come, it is finding my identity as a father in lieu of the experiences of my youth. And as I retire, it is finding my identity beyond the things I do and have done. Each of these stages presents a unique challenge. The challenge is shifting and changing, and the temptation is to find meaning, identity, and priority in possessions, positions, and power other than God.
For example, take the prominent New Testament character Saul who became the Apostle Paul. He may be the prototypical male who was subject to a massive identity transformation. He strove for success through knowledge, wealth, position, possessions, and power and in the end, his whole life plan and identity is hijacked by a single encounter with Jesus Christ on the Damascus Road.
Often this is the path men walk on the road to their identity transformation. We think we have life all figured out, and head down the route we believe is right, and suddenly we wake up one day to encounter that our life has or is coming undone. Often men meet this in a moment of crisis. It could be a crisis in our youth, college, marriage, career, or maybe even in the life of those around us. But those who encounter this crisis experience a moment of profound reflection on choices, calling, and the coming years that threaten them to the core of their identity. And it is in this moment I believe men, fathers, and husbands search for that something other than the identity they have built for themselves. They begin a search for their true identity. And it is discovering this identity that presents the real opportunity for men.
Fatherhood is only one of those identity-altering moments. Whether we were thrust into being a father or planned to become one, the birth of a first child changes who we are it modifies our identity. By becoming subject to sleep deprivation, cryptic crying, loss of friendships, emotional challenges, special events, expensive sports gear, arguments needing mediation, and first dates we discover the reshaping process. And each of these moments is a refining experience that intends to beat out of us our old identity while forming a new one - which we call “Father.”
In the text today we discover God makes this point for us. That a man’s identity is best found in complete and total surrender to God. This is where the “father” of a household identity begins. It begins with the father abdicating all he is to God and learning to love Him with all, all, and all our heart, soul, and might. While some look at this as losing their identity and self and feel a strange sort of loss in this idea, it is not a loss but a tremendous gain. In God, we do not lose our self, we become our true self, but often and only through a painful process of identity transformation that lead to incredible benefits.
I think for many this is why it is challenging to follow Christ. It requires us to give up priorities, possessions, and positions we have held onto for years. Maybe even priorities, possessions, and positions which have shaped our identity for years, through a variety of stages, that might produce powerful rewards and keep us addicted to self. And these rewards keep us coming back for more because they are so rewarding. Often these triggers and rewards are influential and so powerful they result in significant idolatry -- the worship of self.
To reshape who we are we often need an identity-altering moment. And this is where discovering not only are we called to lose our identity in Christ, but we gain a new one. This is the rub in the story of the Rich Young Ruler, the Prodigal Son, the Transformation of Saul, and even the story of you -- that every man will face a moment of inward transformation of their personal identity.
But the process is not natural.
I often tell men there are five men we are. Or instead there are four men we must understand before we can become the fifth man - The Man God Calls Us To Be. There is the man we think we are, the man others think we are, the man we think others think we are, the man we actually are, and finally the man God calls us to be. We often work our way through this process one man at a time, and some of us even get stuck in one of these identities along the way. Some of us are stuck in the man we think we are, living egocentric lives. Some us might be stuck in the trap of the man others think we are and have allowed the world to shape our career, life, and choices. Others, like me, get stuck in the man we think others think we are, and this is a guy who is far too concerned in his private thoughts about what others think about him. A few of us are stuck in a cycle of sin that repetitively beat us up, and we perceive the man we are a sinful and broken and hopeless. The last voice is the voice of ultimate reason and it is this man we must become it is the man God calls us to be. This is the Ephesians 1 man. Listen to these words and hear the man you are.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. 11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. Ephesians 1:3-14 ESV
As a man and father you are blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, predestined, adopted, loved, redeemed, forgiven, sealed, and more. This is the man we are. We are no longer the man we think we are, the man others think we are, the man we think others think we are, the man we actually are — we are the man God calls us to be. And this is the identity we live in daily.
And it is challenging to let the voice go in the process of becoming the man God calls us to be because these voices are shouting. And here is why; each one presents a new transformative challenge. It means living less arrogant and ego-centric, living less focused on what others think about us, living less plagued by our disappointments and private shame, living less beat up by sin, and it means discovering the sporadic victory where we discover something spectacular but not becoming too overcome so that we repeat the process.
For our fathers today, or any man here in any stage of life, I would tell you this is the secret of the Shema. It is if you become the man God wants you to be at any stage of life then this level of developing transcends the challenges of any stage. If all I focus on for the rest of my life is becoming God’s man, then each temptation at each stage is leveraged appropriately. And while each stage of life has its challenges, tips, life hacks, process, and tactics, the most effective and transferable method is to focus on becoming the right man. Simply draw a circle around yourself and adapt everything in the circle mind, heart, soul, and strength toward the principles in the Bible and this is all, all, and all you need to become the man, husband, and father that you want to be in Christ.
Being A Good Father | Critical Component Two: Turning Divine Moments Into Teachable Moments.
The second critical component to becoming a good father is seeing opportunity around by turning every divine moment into a teachable moment. This requires a sense of spiritual alertness for those who are Christian fathers.
Let’s reread the text from Deuteronomy.
"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:4-9 ESV
Notice the active teaching. Words like “talk, sit, walk, lie, and rise.” This is taking advantage of the moments as they present themselves and teaching your children the truth throughout their life. It means noticing the downcast spirit of a child, taking a moment to invest time with them in challenging studies, seeing a particular skill and drawing it out, or making an opportunity in a tragic failure to patiently teach a profound truth of life.
As my children were growing, there is nothing more gratifying than leveraging the divine moments we had. Vacations, sporting events, victories, discouragements, challenges, prom, graduation, parties, sins, successes, failures, dreams, baptisms, and the like. Each moment for me was a time capsule of impact. Most I was present for, many I leveraged, and some I missed. But for the most part, looking back I missed a few, and to me, these are sad to reflect on.
But as we learn in the Shema, it is not one moment we are after — it is many over a lifetime. Teachable moments continue and can be redeemed if we choose to lean into by talking, sitting, walking, lying and rising with those we love. It will never be easy, but we incessantly teach in every opportunity the truth as laid out by God.
I believe fathering is something done out of spirit and character moment by moment. And yes there are some strategies deployed from time to time it is not the strategies that make a good father. It is a man who lives in character, moment by moment, and actively passing on the beliefs of the Bible as given to us by God himself.
CLOSE:
I have had numerous moments with my children that are powerful, but nothing is as rewarding to hear one of your children say, “Dad that moment when you was your finest moment as my Dad. I love you for who you are and what you did.” I think we all want to hear words like these.
But this also leads to a profound for all present today. Everyone here today wants to be loved by our father. Not just our earthly father, but our heavenly Father. We seek it, we want it, and deep inside we want to be loved by Him — unconditionally loved and accepted. And today I want you to know He does. That He loves you perfectly, in ways unique to you, and wants you to become his child. He wants you to become a son or a daughter in his family — adopted by him in love in ways you have always wanted love and acceptance. And through this identity, “son” and “daughter,” he wants to redeem your imperfections and reshape your identity around his will and divine purposes so that you can become the child He wants you to be. And if you have been longing to be a better father than you are today, then this is where it all begins. It begins with becoming His child.
If you want to begin this relationship today, it all begins with a simple prayer. If you want to become a better father, then join me and others in becoming his Son in this prayer.
"Dear God, I want to be a part of your family. You said in Your Word that if I acknowledge that You raised Jesus from the dead and that I accept Him as my Lord and Savior, I would be saved. So God, I now say that I believe You raised Jesus from the dead. I accept Him now as my Lord and Savior. I accept my salvation from sin right now. Thank you, Father God, for forgiving me, saving me, and giving me eternal life with You. In Christ’s name, Amen!"
