Pt. 1 - Is The Honeymoon Over?
I. Introduction
White picket fences. 3 cars. 2 1/2 kids. A dog. Perfection. That is what we all think our relationship will be. We place ourselves in every romance movie we have ever seen and so in our minds we expect no problems, no pain , no tears, no fears and no reality! Newsflash right from the beginning . . .there are no perfect marriages or relationships.
We know that but we ignore that. So, we continue this pursuit of this mirage and the result is broken people producing broken marriages/relationships. The best way to articulate this may be by this phrase . . . “The honeymoon is over!” We say it jokingly but we experience it truthfully.
The idea of the honeymoon is the idea of everything being perfect all wrapped up in the first few days of a marriage. And we believe it n will never end. Honeymoons are big business. Did you know that most people spend 4 months planning their honeymoon? The average couple spends $4,466 on an average of 8 days trips that are supposed to be bliss and the set up the path to perfection. But how many of you know that the honeymoon not only can but will come to an end? Some of us escaped any reality until day 9 while others didn’t even make it back to their normal schedule before the romance movie in their mind was derailed. Like my friend who rolls into honeymoon night and when he and his new bride walk into the first night of perfection and instead they run into his ex-girlfriend in the lobby. Then after the uncomfortable exchange in the lobby they head to their room only to discover that the ex is next door. The honeymoon is over. However, some of you made it back and months later the 32nd morning of toothpaste tube being squeezed from the wrong end or seat left up and suddenly the honeymoon ends.
So, before we go any further let me stop and tell you that there is a way out of a marriage you hate. Remember a few weeks I told you that you must know that God will never say anything that contradicts His word. So, don’t you expect me to do something He won’t do. So, let’s be clear the way out of a marriage that you hate isn’t to exit but to enter it and change it into a marriage you love. That is my assignment over the next 4 weeks to try to help you have tools or some tips to make this happen. Because the truth is you may think getting out is easier than staying in and fixing what is broken. However, the real truth is getting out unscathed is impossible and staying in and fixing it is not only easier but healthier. No one will tell you that if you don’t fix what is wrong in this relationship you can exit but you will also transport your brokenness into the next relationship. So it is better, as one man said, to accept and work with the spouse you have than it is to exit and try to find the spouse you wish you had.
With that in mind and I want to take you to one of the most complex relationships found in Scripture. It is certainly one of the messiest. But this less than perfect picture helps those of us in marriages that aren’t storybook, which by the way, is all of us.
So, let’s look at the honeymoon . . . It is apparently extended.
We are going to read backwards . . .
Hosea 1:3
Hosea did it. He picked Gomer daughter of Diblaim. She got pregnant and gave him a son.
Hosea 1:6
Gomer got pregnant again. This time she had a daughter.
Hosea 1:8
After Gomer had weaned No-Mercy, she got pregnant yet again and had a son.
So, Hosea marries his wife and apparently there was intimacy and some measure of bliss. She gives birth to children. So, we don’t know how long things had some good aspect but at least 27 months and probably more like 4 years. This couple were blessed.
But let’s backup a little before we go forward to show the end of the honeymoon because if you read the whole story you know that their honeymoon ended before it ever began.
Hosea 1:2
The first time God spoke to Hosea he said: “Find a whore and marry her. Make this whore the mother of your children. And here’s why: This whole country has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God.”
Hosea 3:1-2
Then God ordered me, “Start all over: Love your wife again, your wife who’s in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife. Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people, even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy.” I did it. I paid good money to get her back. It cost me the price of a slave. Then I told her, “From now on you’re living with me. No more whoring, no more sleeping around. You’re living with me and I’m living with you.”
OK, so when you work backwards you understand that Hosea is instructed to marry a prostitute and her name is Gomer.
Can I stop here and say regardless of how short your honeymoon may have seemed this honeymoon breaking information probably trumps yours. You know the honeymoon is over when your spouse has the type of past thhat Gomer has and then to really put the final nail in the coffin . . . Her name is Gomer. I mean come on Gomer? Couldn’t she have gone by a middle name . . . Dawn, Joy, Alice, Flo? Or at least go gangster and go by “G”. Gomer ends the honeymoon.
We tend to read Scripture and sterilize it or sanitize it. Think this through. Hosea is instructed to marry a prostitute. She is used. She is damaged. She is known in the community. Can you imagine the looks by the men when she walks past holding Hosea’s arm? The glares of the other women in town? The awkward conversations at the town events? No dinner invitations ... guaranteed.
Some of you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has been used (I’m not even referring to sexually) and who is damaged and the result is the perfect picture has been destroyed and the honeymoon is over. Maybe you had a glimpse of it or maybe you found out later. The when doesn’t matter now as much as the what. What do we do when the honeymoon is over?
1. Don't buy the lie that new means better.
The desire for a perpetual honeymoon isn’t realistic. It isn’t always going to be rose petals and bubble baths. The problem is our society has taught us to put so much emphasis on new . . . New car, new phone, new outfit, that is has bled over into our dealings in relationships so it becomes an easy jump. If things aren’t like I thought they would be then new spouse. I can off load you as quickly as I did the old phone. Our desire for new causes us to disregard and discard the old. Always looking to upgrade. Hosea teaches us that even though old may not be what we had hoped it is worth fighting for. We can’t allow ourselves to believe new is more exciting than old. We can’t allow desire for excitement to cause us to exchange old for new.
Besides not wanting the old really doesn’t say as much about them as it does us.
2. What got you there keeps you there.
Hosea was instructed to go win Gomer’s heart. The first thing we are told is Hosea picked Gomer! He picked her. He chose her at the start. Then in Chapter 3, he goes to the slave market and buys her back. Get this in your mind. She has gone so far backwards that she is now paraded in front of all the men. Stripped naked from at least the waist up to try to win the highest amount of money. And her husband pushes past the shame and embarrassment and bids until he wins. In other words he worked for her heart. He picks her again! He works to win her after what she has done and you won’t even swallow your pride to talk to your spouse/date/friend? You won’t overlook that one insignificant but annoying habit? Work! What won keeps. What did you do to win the first time? Fixed yourself up? Now you barely brush your teeth? Talked? Now nothing but grunts? Dinner dates and flowers and now eat in separate rooms and no attempt to woo.
Our problem is most of us work harder to win than we do to keep. I promise you if you will go back and do what won you will be able to keep even when the honeymoon is over!
3. Saddle the White Horse!
When it comes to the most meaningful relationships in your life you only have 3 ways in which you can respond when struggle or difficulty arise. When the honeymoon ends we tend to respond in the first two ways . . . Historical or hysterical. I imagine Hosea was tempted to respond like this. Historical . . . Do you remember when? Do you remember where I found you. Remember what you did? Want to end the honeymoon? Keep score. Constantly throw things up that they did a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago. Historical response destroys any hope of a future together. I bet Hosea wanted to respond hysterically. I find my spouse being a prostitute and I am going to lose my mind. I find my spouse not doing what they said and the voice is raised. I find the person I am in relationship not doing their part and tears, pouting, cold shoulders, and ice sickles.
If we are going to make it when the honeymoon is over, then instead of responding historically or hysterically we must respond heroically. Saddle up the white horse!
Too many of us wait for a hero instead of stepping up and being the hero.
Hosea could have recalled all Gomer had done wrong. He could have gone nuts on her. Instead he reacts heroically and rescues her. He sacrifices his own resources, reputation, feelings and finds her.
I am challenging you if the honeymoon is over, then step up and be the hero you have been waiting on. Rescue. Fight for. Recommit. Reinvest. Rally. Think through some very practical ways that you could be heroic. Heroic by overlooking, by forgiving, by serving, by listening, by sympathizing, by approaching, by reengaging, by communicating.
Listen, I just want to tell you that just because the honeymoon is over doesn’t mean the relationship has to be over. The relationship that was worth winning is worth keeping! There is hope!
