Love and Respect in Marriage
Interspersed in this practical section dealing with life and relationships are some of the most significant truths relating to Christ's love for and connection to the church found in the Bible.
This oneness is the core of marriage.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Eph 5:31
Two weeks ago we explored the three foundation stones for marriage. Leave-Cleave-Become one. Exclusiveness, faithfulness, oneness
Marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Exclusiveness, faithfulness, oneness.
Paul considered that unity with Christ a great mystery just as unity in marriage. Until the complete realization of the spiritual oneness with Christ we have the picture in marriage.
In verse 33 Paul summarizes the relationship between husband and wife to two principles.
The practice of these principles facilitates the ongoing development of oneness.
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33 (NASB)
It all boils down to husbands demonstrating genuine love toward their wife and wives showing respect toward their husband. There are differences in the basic needs of men and women.
Both men and women appreciate both love and respect but each one has a primary longing for one or the other.
Women are relationally wired and long for unconditional love and acceptance. Two women meet. What generally opens their conversation? How are you?
Men are functionally wired and long for respect for who they are apart from performance.
Two men meet. What generally opens their conversation? What do you do?
I want to unpack this verse a bit more and then try to practically apply it. It is a universal instruction.
“each individual among you”
In other words, EVERY husband. What is every husband supposed to do? Love his own wife as himself. We addressed this earlier. Paul offered two standards for measuring this love.
Love as Christ loves the church
Love as your own body.
God built women as responders. Women respond to demonstrations of love. Not all women interpret the same actions as demonstrations of love. Buying my wife a new kitchen gadget that was really intended for me to use doesn’t quite speak love.
Everyone has a different love language; things that communicate love to them.
Physical Touch - Words of affirmation - Acts of service - Quality time - Gifts
Paul includes nourishing, cherishing, giving up self as markers of genuine love. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 supplies a whole check list describing the character of genuine love.
God built men as initiators. God designed men to take a challenge, protect, nurture, create, fix, solve, be the knight in shining armor. Men are motivated by affirmation, respect and appreciation. Paul instructs the wife then to make sure she “shows respect” to her husband.
Why do husbands like fixing other people’s stuff? The most they can hope for at home is, “It’s about time?”
The word respect means to reverence or fear, be in awe of. It is the same word used in relation to our response to God. Maybe someone should study if there is a respect language among men. Just as everyone interprets different actions as love perhaps we interpret different actions as respect. For sure it has to do with attitude and tone and appreciation and recognition of worth.
Why do you think men leave their wife for another woman less attractive than their own?
It is not primarily about sex. It is about respect. He found someone that told him how wonderful and special he was.
This subject of love and respect is thoroughly covered in the book by that title by Emerson Eggerichs
Some of the following insight comes from His book.
The practice of these two principles perpetuates a cycle in marriage.
The cycle is self-explanatory. His love energizes her respect. Her respect energizes his love.
Because of a formidable beast that roams about in the soul of every person, this cycle gets diverted and turns an energizing cycle into a crazy cycle.
Until someone corrals the beast, this cycle will self-perpetuate until it eventually destroys all sense of oneness and eventually the marriage. Either spouse could choose to break the crazy cycle and initiate the energizing cycle by showing love or respect. Given the nature of the beast and the pattern of running the crazy cycle, the desired response is NOT always guaranteed even if love or respect is shown.
At that point it is our responsibility before God to love or respect regardless. The passage does not instruct husbands to love their wife only when they show respect. The passage does not instruct wives to respect their husbands only when they show love.
For the glory of God we are to love and respect regardless of the response from the other.
Here is a suggested phrase to begin a dialogue that might help break the crazy cycle suggested by Eggerich
Wife: That felt unloving is there something I did to cause you to feel disrespected.
Husband: That felt disrespectful, is there something I did to cause you to feel unloved.
The dreaded beast however left to run rampant prevents either spouse from doing what God has instructed and we fall back into the crazy cycle once again. I want to spend the rest of our time exposing the ugly marriage mauling beast.
I ask that this morning you focus on personal application. Put away your deflective umbrellas.
Holster your elbows. Put away your self-protective armor for a moment and invite the Holy Spirit to thoroughly examine your own heart. You are responsible to God for your own walk.
He will accept no excuses. He will not entertain any “but she/he...” He will confront us with how we acted and responded. Together may we face this abominable beast that shreds relationships with a single swipe.
All of us struggle with this crafty creature. He is so crafty that many of us play host to his destruction without even knowing it. This animal is a shrewd shape-shifter who takes on whatever shape appears acceptable from the outside but inside he is the same ugly, destructive animal. Join with me in a hunt with the master tracker and hunter, the Holy Spirit.
Let’s track down the savage and destroy him.
James 3:13-4:5 clearly identifies the #1 ripper of relationships.
Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: "He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?
The Holy Spirit through James clearly identifies the culprit of conflict, unraveler of unity, the breaker of bonding; Selfishness, selfish-ambition, self-centeredness.
Self-centeredness pictures the meaning best. It is a centering on me! How am I feeling? How will this affect me? You hurt me! What’s in it for me? I have to take care of me first!
My decisions are made on the basis of how it will affect me.
Will this make me happy? Will this cause me pain? Will this make me look better? Will this generate my personal sense of worth? Will this bring me comfort? Will this help me? Will this block my goals? Will this move me toward my dreams?
Everything I do or don’t do has at its core a decision to give or grab.
Self-centeredness is the opposite of love which is other-centeredness. The opposite of love is not hate, it is SELF-CENTEREDNESS. The core of love is unconditional giving of oneself to another. Selfish ambition, self-centeredness, selfishness is not God’s way.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; Philip. 2:3
James makes it clear that it is not the way of God’s wisdom. It is the way of the fallen world. It is the way of the unregenerate, unrenewed soul. It is the way of the devil and his demons.
Satan is the promoter of self-promotion and self-protection. How many decisions are based on promoting or protecting yourself rather than serving others?
When you got married, you promised to be selfless. Love and to cherish until death do us part.
For better or for worse. For richer for poorer. In sickness and in health. You vowed to your spouse and to God to love. That is the bottom line. To do otherwise is to expose the presence of the ugly marriage devouring monster, self-centeredness. To do otherwise is to expose a hard heart that refuses to operate as designed by God. The Bible says that Moses permitted divorce because of hardness of heart. It is a soft contrite heart that grows and remains responsive to God and others.
Many of us got married out of selfishness. What we thought was love for our wife was really love of ourselves and absorbed in how this person made me feel and what they were and could do for me. We may have even practiced love and respect for the wrong reasons. We gave love because it brought respect. We respected because it motivated love. When excitement cooled off and expectations crumbled, we came face to face with our own self-centered motivations in the marriage.
“We will not move very far in our efforts to develop good marriages (or build quality relationships) until we understand that repairing a damaged sense of identity and healing the wound in our hearts is NOT the first order of business. It is rather dealing with the subtle, pervasive, stubborn commitment to ourselves.
Self-centeredness is the killer. In every bad relationship, it is the deadliest culprit. Poor communication, temper problems, unhealthy response to dysfunctional family backgrounds, co-dependent relationships, and personal incompatibility -- everything (unless medically caused) flows out of the cesspool of self-centeredness.” Larry Crabb
We have an unhealthy focus on our healing and feeling rather than our forgiveness and giving.
This wicked beast leaves tracks. Where there are tracks and droppings, the animal is not far away. How can we detect its presence in our life? Look for the tracks!
Disorder and every evil thing.
God’s ways vs the ways of selfishness
Pure
+ undefiled, clean, free from vice, sensitive to pollution.
- impure motive
Peaceable
+ calm, tranquil, hungers for peace, yearning to heal divisions
- stirs up strife, turmoil, churning, war, anger.
Gentle
+ considerate, forbearing, courteous
- brash, harsh, proud, uncontrolled
Reasonable
+ obedient, easily persuaded to comply. teachable
- stubborn, challenging, confrontive, dogmatic, unwilling to consider others.
Full of mercy
+ attitude of compassion toward those in distress that leads to practical help to relive misery
- Focus on self, harsh,
Unwavering
+ consistent, undivided, dependable, convictions and commitment count.
- inconsistent, wavering, undependable, no convictions.
Without Hypocrisy
+ life is consistent with beliefs and talk.
- hypocritical, life is not consistent with beliefs
Result of selfless living is right actions which promote peace among others.
Quarrels and conflicts
Anger is a big footprint that needs honest exploration. Not all anger is wrong but I would venture to say that 90% of the anger we manifest has roots in self-centeredness. A fleshly or self-centered focus destroys relationships. Gal provides more foot prints.
Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another. Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 5:19-6:1
Pleasure Seeking
Titus 3:3 For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another.
If you come across these foot prints or find any of these droppings, look for the animal. This beast hangs out most in the meadow of our motives. Examine your motives carefully and you will most likely flush out some self-centeredness. We were created, empowered, equipped and commanded to give and serve; to love. To love, is to be others-centered. Whenever we operate outside those parameters, self-centeredness tears relationships.
Footprints and Droppings in our life
So often, the purposes of relationship and marital oneness get washed out by a greater concern for our personal wellbeing. “I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too.” “I know you are tired, but I have had a long day.” “I am under stress!”
We so often excuse our lack of committed love for the other. We see nothing wrong with the cold shoulder, the silence, the angry flash that says, “Get outta my face.” We justify our withdrawal by blaming others. We are no different than Adam after the fall who blamed his own choice to selfish independence from God on Eve.
Look for the beast in your motives.
Look for the beast in your attitudes and non-verbal communication.
Look for the beast in your words and actions.
Any response in relationships that does not communicate genuine concern for the interest and wellbeing of the other is self-centered. We must see our self-centered focus as sinful.
It is evil to the core. It stands in the way of any meaningful relationship, especially in the family. My time, my stuff, my comfort, my convenience, my reputation, my feelings, my mental state, my energy level, my kids, my happiness.
Jesus gave and gave and gave to the needs of others. He was never self-serving. He loved.
II. Facing and eliminating Self-centeredness in ourselves
But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning, and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.
1. Submit to God
This resets our focus. We make a decision to be God-centered. This puts Him and His agenda back in priority position.
Holiness over happiness.
Purity over pleasure.
Commitment over comfort.
Faith over fear.
Purpose over pain.
Serving over service.
2. Resist the Devil
He is the one who originated self-centered living. It is his agenda. Self-centered living is directed by Him. We must take a stand against him and his ways as sure as we submit to God and His ways. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy relationships. When you find pressure and strife and hostility in the marriage that seems insurmountable and unexplainable it is because of opposition from the evil one who intensifies your struggle. If there is a history of divorce, you are operating under a curse, a demonic contract to continue the history of divorce through subsequent generations. That is why it is important not to give in to the easy way out.
3. Draw near to God
Re-establish relationship with God. It is when we draw near to Him that he draws closer to us.
When we are close to God, we become others-centered, and love because He is love.
4. Repent
We need to see the awfulness of our self-centered focus. We are selfish. We are babies. Sin is never justified. Our past does not excuse out present commitment not to give and receive love. Our own woundedness does not give us a right to wound others. Our self-centered focus deserves judgment. There are only two responses. Judgment or forgiveness. Only when we realize the gravity of our sinful self-centeredness will we appreciate the wonder of our forgiveness.
5. Live in humility
This is a life that lives each day with a realization that without Christ I can do nothing or would be nothing. I live each day with an awareness of my continual need for forgiveness for my sinful commitment to self over God or others. I live each day with my longings but demand from none. I no longer demand response from others or God but come in grateful humility to God for daily forgiveness and daily energy to live in love.
