“Healthy Relationships”
The Role and Responsibility of Husbands
Ephesians 5:22-33
REVIEW
I. The Role and responsibility of wives
A. Role: Willing Support
B. Response
1. Submit to husbands
2. Love husbands and children Titus 2:3-5
3. Respect Ephesians 5:33
It is interesting that Paul only devotes 2 and a half verses to the response of wives but nine and a half verses were directed toward husbands. Paul instructed wives to respond properly to their husbands as an expression of their submission to Christ. Submission to their husbands was a means to bring glory to Jesus. It pleased God. It was the way God ordered His creatures.
Just a note on this section of Paul’s letter. Many have tried to divide Paul’s letter between the theoretical or doctrinal section and practical application. Surprisingly, Paul intertwines doctrinal or principles and practical application all through his writings which defy neat little divisions. Here in the middle of an extremely practical application (Wives submit to your husbands) he includes one of the most powerful teachings on the relationship between Christ and the church. Paul moved from the social principles related to husbands and wives to the truths related to Christ and the church. He elevated the discussion from the wife’s response to their husbands to the church’s response to Christ the Head of the Church. Although we focused on the earthly marital implications over the last couple weeks, there is much to learn from the spiritual application. There is much to learn even for the men in these verses because they define our required response in regard to Jesus. We are called to submit to His headship over our lives just as wives are instructed to respond to ours. Actually, wives can effectively model submission for their husbands and increase their understanding of what it looks like for them to submit to Christ.
By the way, Jesus also modeled submission to His Father. He was equal in person and essence but willing submitted to and served the Father.
Today I will explore God’s established order for the family; namely the husband’s role in the family as well as his responsibilities in regard to the family. Again, there is both a social as well as a spiritual application to be considered here. Not only does Paul instruct husbands on how they should treat their wives but he also provides insight into how Jesus nurtures and cares for the church. There is actually much to contemplate in these verses. Paul calls it a “great mystery” (5:32). Today’s world suffers the calamitous consequences of men abandoning their God-given responsibility in the family. The consequences of a fatherless home on the children are well documented. It affects them on every level from intellectual to moral and social.
When men abdicate their leadership women rise up to fill in the gap. The problem is that just as there are things only a mother can teach there are some things that can only be taught by the father. Paul powerfully reminds men of their role and their responsibility before God concerning the family.
II. The Role and Responsibility of husbands 5:22-33
A. Role: Loving Leader
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. Ephesians 5:23
God established husbands as the head of the home. In the Greek the term translated “head” means “head”. It was used for the literal head as well as to indicate the one in charge or responsible. God holds the husband responsible for the direction and well-being of the family.
Since this was the case from the beginning, it is not necessarily a Christian thing but a human thing. Most two-headed creatures are anomalies of nature. A two-headed family or even and organization is doomed to failure. If you reason the analogy of the relationship of the head to the rest of the body you can deduce the function or role God intended the man to fulfill in the family. Beyond that, Paul used Christ’s role in relation to the church as a model for the role of the husband in relation to the family. It is an overwhelming task. It imposes a heavy responsibility. Again, it has nothing to do with worth or capability. It has to do with role or function. God will hold men as the one ultimately responsible for what happens or doesn’t happen in the family.
But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.
1 Corinthians 11:3
For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake. However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God. 1 Corinthians 11:8-12
Here is the great equalizer in regard to personal worth and connection to God. Both originate from God and are interdependent on each other. Both are completely dependent on God.
Because of Jesus, there is no inequality or partiality with God.
For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, heirs according to promise. Galatians 3:27-29
What headship specifically looks like is a topic all in itself. All I know is that men have backed off of headship and slipped into apathy. Men are not taking their responsibility to lead seriously. The joke is that men sit around, don’t read, and don’t continue to grow. God established the husband as the leader but not just any leader. God established the husband as LOVING leader just as the woman’s role is WILLING support; President and Vice-President working together toward to a God-given direction. The original rebellion corrupted the natural God-ingrained drive in men to lead, create and protect just as it derailed the natural drive in woman to willingly respect and support. Rather than serving the family by loving leadership and God-given gifts, man demanded control and defaulted to a tyrannical lording it over those he leads. In the role of leader, Paul calls for some specific responses from the husband to the wife. Again, the volume of space given to the husband should not be ignored. From this passage and from the family passage in 1 peter I want to focus on three major responses required of husbands toward their wives.
B. Response
1. Love your wives
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33
The bulk of this passage has to do with loving our wives as Christ loves the church. Paul first stated the substance and then fleshed it out with particular actions. Men can think they truly love their wives and even declare it on occasion. That doesn’t mean we actually do. The better gauge is whether our wives FEEL loved. The even better gauge would be how our actions measure up to Biblical standards of love. Not given specific instruction about what it means to love, we men can convince ourselves that we are doing OK in the love department. God knows men and thus provides two undisputable standards by which we are to measure our love for our wife.
Love to the same degree that Jesus loves the church.
Love to the same degree you love yourself.
a. Love as Jesus loves
Paul included a few reminders concerning Jesus’ love for us. If we are to love like Jesus we need to know how Jesus loved. Love is active. The kind of love called for here is an active love not based on the conduct of the one being loved but the character of the one loving. It may include emotion but its true foundation is the choice of the one loving to love. In this example, the decision to love moved Jesus to establish a relationship with us through personal sacrifice.
“He gave Himself up for the church”. He acted in such a way to benefit the church; by that I mean all true believers. This level of love differs from all the rest.
The Greeks used four separate words for each of these levels or aspects of love. All the others are dependent on a mutual benefit of some sort.
Mutual pleasure (eros).
Mutual family connection (storge)).
Mutual friendship or companionship (phileo).
Only agape love sacrificially acts on the behalf of others regardless of any immediate benefit to themselves. Jesus loved us even while we were not only sinners but His enemy. Jesus gave not just His “stuff” but His very life. He not only gave Himself but Paul wanted to be very clear that He gave Himself up for the church.
OK guys, how does your love measure up to the love of Jesus? You want an even more specific gauge, read 1 Corinthians 13. It feels impossible to love like that. Why yes it is without God empowerment; especially when our wives (as we ourselves) act unlovable at times.
With Jesus, it was all about serving the church not being served. In fact, He categorically declared that to be His life mission or purpose.
Calling them to Himself, Jesus said to them, you know that those who are recognized as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them; and their great men exercise authority over them. But it is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Here is the Lord of the universe, the Creator of all things giving Himself up to serve and die for the lowly creature. What was the motivation of this sacrificial love or giving up of Himself?
“In order that”
Jesus gave Himself for the ultimate purpose of establishing a pure and permanent relationship with us. He did not just act for our personal benefit. His actions had the ultimate motive of establishing a meaningful relationship with US! The process was this.
In order that He might “sanctify” or “purify” her. In this passage, Jesus loves the church by working to make it special (sanctified). Sanctification means to set aside as special for a special purpose, to make pure and holy. Christ gives His full attention and resources to the spiritual development of the church. It is His all-consuming goal to bring the church (which includes you) to her fullest potential. He does it so that He might embrace (present to Himself) a pure, blameless and glorious bride.
There are so many words for pure included here.
Cleansed, washed, splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, holy, without blemish.
Jesus is committed to the purity of the church.
Jesus is committed to see His bride rise to her fullest glory.
Jesus is committed to see His bride free from the ravages of sin.
Jesus is committed to see His bride become who God made her to be.
We are His workmanship or masterpiece, a holy temple. He considers us a “glorious inheritance.” (Eph 1) He does it by washing or cleansing through interaction with the Word of God.
Husbands, are you complaining about the level of spirituality of your wife. You have been assigned a large responsibility to see that she develop in the Lord. You are the spiritual director and leader of the home. Not only that, you will find you are the one primarily responsible to also bring your children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
“SO ALSO” (Just like Jesus loves the church and is committed to her development) husbands are to love their own wives by giving attention to her spiritual growth. You have a responsibility for the spiritual development of your wife. You may not like that, but that is what the Bible instructs husbands! That is the standard God will hold you responsible for.
Men are committed to succeeding in business and every other thing while giving little attention to the spiritual development of the family. The first measure of our love is the example of Jesus’ love for the church. By the way ladies, even if your husband has not loved you like that, you are still loved like that. Men you are also loved like that. That is Jesus’ commitment. He does not stop. Both Jesus your husband and your “Father-in-law” (the Father) are committed to your growth.
I thank my God always concerning you for the grace of God which was given you in Christ Jesus, that in everything you were enriched in Him, in all speech and all knowledge, even as the testimony concerning Christ was confirmed in you, so that you are not lacking in any gift, awaiting eagerly the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will also confirm you to the end, blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1 Corinthians 1:4-9
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
b. Love as you love yourself
The second measure of this sacrificial love has to do with how you love yourself.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. Ephesians 5:28-30
We take care of our bodies because it is intricately connected to who we are. Jesus cares for His body (us) because we are intimately connected to Him. To mistreat the body is to impede our potential. If I cut off my leg, I limit my ability to function. You hurt your finger and your brain (head) goes into action. God built us to care for our bodies. He made us to live. The general principle is that no one hates his own flesh because of the intimate connection to who we are.
Note: for this reason I believe that one who purposefully hates or mistreats his body indicates a mental disconnect or indicates the involvement external spiritual forces.
Rather than hate, the general principle is we nourish and cherish our bodies.
We feed and coddle our bodies.
“Nurture”
This is a word that is fairly straight forward. It means to feed, nourish, and provide what is necessary to sustain life. It is Jesus’ commitment to our nurture us. There is so much said in scripture concerning God sustaining and nurturing us. Christ provided food, rest, spiritual nourishment, healing, protection etc. Loving our wife includes providing what she needs for nourishment on all levels; physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
“Cherish”
This word means to “soften or warm with body heat”, draw close. It is a mother bird on her nest. It is a closeness out of tender care. “Tender Warrior” “Velvet and Steel”. It is the same concern you have when you are hurt or sick. Whatever care you afford to yourself is the standard we must apply to our wife. God calls us not just to tolerate or even love because of a decision of the will but to cherish as a treasure of the heart.
The abbreviated (Reader’s Digest version) in Colossians adds a warning.
Husbands, love your wives and do not become embittered against them. Colossians 3:19
Embittered is to cut, to prick, sharp, keen, pungent to the taste or smell
Husbands. Perhaps you backed off due to something your wife did or didn’t do. You are waiting for her to come to you and make it right. You will respond when she responds. God holds you responsible to love unconditionally. You are called to be a “first responder” to any crises in the family. Last week I mentioned that whoever is mature should break the crazy cycle of the failure to show love and respect. The truth is men; God will hold us responsible to do what is right first.
We are to love as Christ loved by making your wife feel special and work for her growth. You are to love as you love yourself by nourishing and cherishing her. There is so much we could learn from Jesus’ example of loving the church. Make a study of the Gospels. It is a primer on being a good husband. The benefits of loving as God directed and empowers are incalculable, not only for your wife but for you personally.To love is to live.
How? It’s just not in me. I am not really a lover.
First, God wouldn’t command it if it were not possible. How cruel would that be?
He designed us to love like that.
Second, God has already provided the divine resources to love like that.
He wouldn’t command it if He didn’t “empower it”.
Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:5
… you yourselves are taught by God to love one another… 1 Thessalonians 4:9
Assignment
1. Address the bitterness and grant forgiveness.
The only cure for bitterness is forgiveness. Let it go!
2. Address our own personal emptiness and renew your relationship with God.
If we don’t feel loved ourselves we won’t spare any for someone else. If our relationship with God is shallow, we will not have the resources to love others.
3. Address our own selfishness and renew your commitment to love as Jesus loves.
The opposite of love is apathy and selfishness. Love is sacrificial selflessness.
“We will not move very far in our efforts to develop good marriages (or build quality relationships) until we understand that repairing a damaged sense of identity and healing the wound in our hearts is NOT the first order of business. It is rather dealing with the subtle, pervasive, stubborn commitment to ourselves. Self-centeredness is the killer. In every bad relationship, it is the deadliest culprit. Poor communication, temper problems, unhealthy response to dysfunctional family backgrounds, co-dependent relationships, and personal incompatibility -- everything (unless medically caused) flows out of the cesspool of self-centeredness.”
