“Healthy Relationships”
The Role and Responsibility of the Wife
Ephesians 5:22-24
REVIEW
I. Our Wealth and Worth In Christ 1-3
II. Our Worthy Walk in Christ 4-6
A. Live in Unity 4:1-16
B. Live in Newness of life 4:17-24
C. Live in Love 4:17-24
D. Live in Purity 5:3-14
E. Live in Wisdom 5:15-6:9
1. Seize every opportune moment 15-16
Stop walking as unwise but take advantage of every opportunity because we live in evil days.
2. Seek to understand the will of the Lord 17
Stop living my impulse but seek to understand what God wants because we live in evil days.
3. Be continually filled with the Holy Spirit 18-20
Stop allowing substances to influence your behavior, submit to the influence of the Holy Spirit.
Paul included three corresponding signs indicating a Spirit directed life.
a. Speaking and singing truth to one another and praise to God
And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; Ephesians 5:18-19
b. Giving thanks for all things
always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; Ephesians 5:20
c. Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ
submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
Today we will unearth the important foundational concepts out of this passage. It is not a very popular subject in today’s culture. Many have abused and mangled this subject while claiming Biblical backing. Some husbands have used this passage as a club to control their wives. Since God wrote it we must take the time to understand it and apply it. There are two ways to look at this particular verse.
All would agree that this fruit characterizes those living under the Spirit’s influence.
The motivation behind submission is also undisputed. Submission comes “out of reverence for Christ.” The admonition to submission rests on God-designed roles in society. Because He designed them, we observe them out of a respect for Christ and a desire to please Him.
The understanding regarding the identity of the particular subjects addressed takes two tracts.
One group understands it to be a general admonition to mutual submission. We are to submit ourselves to one another. I would agree that mutual submission is a Biblical concept.
God calls us to serve one another. He calls us to consider other more important than ourselves. He instructs us to love one another. It is clear that we are to live in humility and look to the needs of others over our own. These are principles that apply EVERY believer no matter their role or station in life. It has nothing to do with gender. It has everything to do with a heart transformed to serve each other rather than be served.
I do not believe that Paul had mutual submission in mind in this particular passage.
Paul affirmed the fact that those submitting to the Holy Spirit and living under His influence will also submit to God’s established earthly authorities.
He shadows the general with the specific.
Wives submitting to their husbands who are instructed to love them.
Children submitting to their parents who are instructed to nurture them.
Slaves submitting to their masters who are instructed to treat them kindly.
Other passages encourage us to submit to the governing authorities as well as church elders.
The instruction for wives is so connected to the general fruit of submitting that Paul does not even repeat the verb. It literally reads, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives to their own husbands (implied verb submitting) as to the Lord.”
We don’t like the concept of submission. Many refuse even to submit to God. Yet the Paul’s picture of future reality visualized all of humanity bowing in submission to the name of the one they only used as a curse word all of their lives. I want to take just a moment to explore this concept of submission. First I will summarize how it was generally used and then, from this passage look at how it applies to wives. Hang on wives. Husbands will get their turn soon.
Husbands, this is for your wives to ponder and bring before God, not for you to bang them over the head!
What a distasteful the word submission has become. Yet to God, it is the heart of all human relationships and relationship with Him. It is the opposite of selfishness. The word is made up of two Greek words.
“Arrange, place, order, rank” AND “under”
The resulting concept is to place under, rank under, military command.
Its use in the New Testament is varied.
Jesus, very God and truly human, subjected himself to His earthly parents.
Demons were subject to Jesus and to the disciples in Jesus name.
We subject ourselves to the law of God.
We are to be in submission to governing authorities.
All things will be placed under the authority of Jesus.
Slaves were to be subject to their masters.
Wives are instructed to submit to their husbands
Submission was used in the sense of a voluntary placing of one’s rights and needs below the rights and needs of another. In that sense both husband and wife submit to each other.
In fact, Peter’s treatment of the roles of husbands and wives followed a description of Christ’s servant heart which included selfless suffering and submission. He transitioned into the subject by then saying…
“In the same way” as Christ selflessly served, wives submit to your husbands.
Likewise, as Jesus selflessly served, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way.
The word is also used in relation to levels of authority and positions of responsibility.
It has nothing to do with worth or ability but positions of God given responsibility. The word indicates a particular response to authority.
The Bible calls for a voluntary ordering under His established authority.
The Bible declares there will be a universal imposed submission at Christ’s return.
Yes there is a type of mutual service but it also applies to response to roles.
I. The Role and responsibility of wives
A. Role: Willing Support
Let’s first focus on the Biblical directed role of wives and then we will look at the required response.
Genesis 1 The Original Plan
Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. And the man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh at that place. And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen 2
God created the woman to fill the loneliness in the man, a loneliness that existed in a perfect environment and in spite of an untainted relationship with God. Man was created in God’s image. God is a relational God. When we operate outside of meaningful relationships, we are living outside of design. However, Adam found no one “corresponding to him.”
There was no one with whom he could relate on an equal level. There was no one to share life with him. Therefore he experienced loneliness and God said it was NOT good. God set out then to create a helper, one “corresponding to him.”
“helper”
I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From whence shall my help come? Psalm 121:1-2
My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. Psalm 124:8
Our help is in the name of the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. Psalm 146:5
How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God;
The role of “helper” is not a role which implies inferiority or weakness. It is a support role which implies capable strength, creative skills and committed love. This willing support came from “one corresponding to him”. Someone he could relate to on an equal level, a companion.
The role of the wife is never demonstrated in Scripture as an inferior, weak, slave-girl kind of role. The role of the wife is exalted as an honorable, powerful, role of significant influence.
That influence can go either direction positive or negative.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Proverbs 31:10
It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman. Proverbs 25:24
The union between husband and wife illustrates the relationship between Christ and the church which includes the concept of differing roles.
Loving leadership and willing support.
The family (and the church) is designed to operate smoothly and draw out the best and require the best from each partner in the relationship. One partner cannot function to its full potential without the other. There is a one-flesh existence. If you hurt part of your body, the rest suffers. If one part of the body refuses to function as designed, all suffer.
The role of the man in the family is loving leadership.
The role of the woman in the family is willing support.
The curse that came upon the society through their desire and attempt to operate independently of the creator completely affected this divine order for the family.
• Genesis 3
Serpent -- Ultimate judgment to come from the “seed” of the woman.
Woman -- Increased labor in the child bearing process.
An increased desire to control the husband
Tyrannical rule by the husband
Man -- Increased labor in cultivating the earth.
The use of the verse here in keeping with the context of a curse is best understood in the sense of a desire to control. In response to the woman’s lost desire to support and a newly acquired desire to control, the man would react by not exercising loving leadership but tyrannical domination in an effort to maintain control. As a result of sin against God, they would both experience hardship in fulfilling their God given functions. What was intended to bring pleasure and fulfillment and fruitfulness would now yield pain and frustration. History has borne out the gravity of this curse on all levels of society specially marriage and family. At the time of Paul’s writing, the state of the family was surprisingly similar to what we have today. Divorces for any and all reasons were rampant. Into this climate God, through the Apostles, re-emphasizes the timeless transcendent original plan. The role of Women is willing support. Support from a committed capable companion. Just as the role of leader comes with come suggested response to those he leads, the role of support comes with suggested response to those she supports.
B. Response
1. Submit to husbands
There are three key passages that deal with the required response of wives toward husbands.
Two are from Paul who was single (no axe to grind) and the other one from Peter who was married.
Our current passage reads.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24
Colossians is very similar in pattern to this passage yet very brief.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Peter wrote a bit more extended treatment of the subject.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter 3:1-6
Considering these three passages together gives us an overview of the principle.
a. Scope of Submission
How far should the wife go?
“to her OWN husband” (Not someone else’s)
“in everything” (can’t pick and choose)
“even if he is disobedient to the word” (doesn’t depend on his spiritual condition)
“as is fitting in the Lord” (not immoral or unbiblical matters)
Response to the head does not include immoral or destructive directions.
The role of wives is supporter not enabler.
The wife is not called to take on the husband’s role.
She is called to support him in his role as head.
b. Manner of Submission
“As to the Lord” (Just as one would listen to Jesus)
“As the church is subject to Christ” (in concept not on conduct)
“With chaste (pure) and respectful (reverent) behavior like the women of old”
“With the internal adornment of a gentle and quiet spirit rather than external adornment”
Please do not use this passage to teach that women should not wear jewelry or go to the hair dresser. If you use this passage to teach that, you must also insist that women do not wear dresses because “wearing of dresses” is included in the same passage talking about jewelry and hair. The point of the passage is to establish the foundation of real internal not external beauty.
Peter outlined not only what is beautiful to others but what God considers beautiful. “Precious” (of great price) in God’s sight are particular internal qualities. As God looks over the world and comments on what is valuable in His sight, the godly response of a woman to her husband ranks at the top of what is valuable to Him. The key to this valuable gentle and quiet spirit is their “hope in God.” These were women whose ultimate hope was in God NOT their husbands.
“Gentle”
Jesus had such a spirit. It was because He entrusted His soul to a faithful creator.
“Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth.” (Not by scraping to gain it)
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart...”
“Behold your king is coming to you gentle, and mounted on a donkey.”
If there is fear and anxiety it leads to an attempt to control the circumstances or the husband.
“Quiet”
Quiet refers to a state of tranquility, stillness. The opposite is hostile, anxious, fretful, nagging, restless, fidgety. A gentle and quiet spirit does not mean the woman says nothing or is always silent no matter what. Peter addresses here the manner and intensity of the communication.
It is one whose concern for others dictates manner of communication. It is one who is not driven by fear or personal agenda but hopes in the Lord. It is the attitude of one who has nothing to fear thus no reason to demand control.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Prov31:30
c. Models of submission
• Jesus’ service for the church” 1 Peter 2-3
• Holy women who hoped in God
• Sarah’s response to Abraham
Brief survey of Sarah’s Response to Abraham
• Left her home to a place not even Abraham knew where. Only that God directed Him
• Left again during a famine to Egypt
• Silent about Abraham’s 1/2 truth to Pharaoh (God protected her in spite of Abe)
• Another move
• Living with relatives.
• Allowed Abraham to let nephew Lot to choose the best of the land
• Involved in the promise of God to Abraham -- power of influence (Hagar)
• Stood up for what was right regarding Isaac and Ishmael
Sarah she said to Abraham, "Drive out this maid and her son, for the son of this maid shall not be an heir with my son Isaac." Genesis 21:10
God said to Abraham, "Do not be distressed because of the lad and your maid; whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her, for through Isaac your descendants shall be named. Genesis 21:12
d. Results of submission
• Win husbands
This verse is often misunderstood. It is a general principle not an absolute guarantee.
The “disobedient to the word” should be understood in a broad sense. Disobedient can be for a Christian or a non-Christian. The “winning” then can refer to winning them to Christ or to a place of obedience to the word in whatever they are doing.
“Win” = to gain, to profit
“Go to your brother and reprove him in private, if he listens to you, you have won your brother.” Matt 18:15
“But the Jews came from Antioch and Iconium, and having won over the multitudes, they stoned Paul and dragged him out of the city, supposing him to be dead.” Acts 14:19
“Having won over the king’s chamberlain, they were asking for peace” acts 12:20
As can be seen by these usages, the winning does not necessarily refer to winning to Christ but the change in relationship. It is a description for reconciliation between parties. The woman can bring about reconciliation from a disobedient husband by her godly behavior. Anger of man or woman does not achieve the righteousness of God. A faithful wife who responds to her husband by being a cooperative supporter rather than a contentious scolder has a much greater chance that her husband will see the error of his ways and the restoration and development of a relationship of peace and unity. To continue to speak out of hostility and fear and control will intensify the relationship struggle and the determination of the husband to rule, thus continually reinforcing the effects of the curse.
• Identification with the holy women of old (children of Sarah)
• Honor to the Word of God
The woman’s role is willing support. The woman’s first response to the head is submission.
Another response to her husband is to love him and their children
2. Love husbands and children Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Titus 2:3-5
The passage in Paul’s letter to Titus provides more insight into how a woman was meant to respond.
Reverent behavior
Not gossips
Not enslaved to wine or other numbing devices.
Teaching others what is good.
Look at the curriculum for the school of holy women.
• How to love (phileo love or like) your husbands
There are two basic concepts for love in the Bible. Men are urged to love their wives with unconditional love. Here, women are to teach other women to love their husbands with a different kind of love. Is there a difference? We are all commanded to love each other with an unconditional character based love. That love is taught by God and put in the heart of every Christian by God. It is a love that can be demonstrated even to our enemies. Here, women are to teach to love husbands and children. The word for love used here is “phileo”. A brotherly love, a warm fondness based on a friendship and sense of companionship. It is a love based on mutual friendship and interests and goals and desire to be with each other.
This is something that must be modeled and taught by others.
• How to love (phileo) your children
• How to live sensibly
• How to keep pure
• How to be effective worker at home
• How to be kind to others.
• How to live in submission (same word used elsewhere) to husbands.
3. Respect Eph 5:33
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33
The word here is the same word used for fear (phobos). The idea is a respect or reverence.
To approach something with a sense of respect and honor. Ladies, men are wired to respond to respect. Why do you think they do everyone else’s fix up jobs? We are sensitive, often insecure creatures who respond to commendation, not control or condemnation. We were made to create and to bring order into a chaotic world as God works. The basic need in women is for secure unconditional love. That is why the like to hear it often. That is why they enjoy continual affirmation of your love. Women are generally more relationally oriented and need affirmation of that relationship. Men are basically more task oriented. Need affirmation of what they do. When men feel a lack of respect at home, they will find it somewhere else.
When should a wife show respect to her husband? Before some other woman does! When should a man tell his wife he loves her? Before some other man does! Wonder why many men run to other women. “Get affirmation and respect”. The basic need for men is to be appreciated and respected. When men sense challenge or resistance rather than support, there is a tendency to withdraw from our responsibility to love and become a tyrannical leader.
CONCLUSION
God desires women who will catch a vision for what it means to be a willing support.
God desires women who will model and teach young women to be holy women.
God desires women who will come along side each other and encourage one another.
God desires women who will respond to their husbands with submission, friendship & respect.
I have reviewed to the best of my knowledge the God-ordained pattern.
It is up to you to apply it.
The Bible actually has much more to say to men. Their leadership role is clear.
Their response to their wives is equally clear. Live, Laud and Love. Stay tuned!
