Title: Loneliness
Place: BLCC
Date: 2/18/18
Text: Genesis 2.18; 1 Samuel 23.16-17
Middle-Aged Men, Biggest Threat: [Screen 1] Loneliness
Dr. Richard S. Schwartz, a Cambridge psychiatrist who has studied the problem of loneliness in America, notes that over four decades of studies have shown the devastating consequences of loneliness.
Loneliness has been linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke and the progression of Alzheimer's. One study found that it can be as much of a long-term risk factor as smoking. In 2015, a huge study using data from 3.5 million people collected over 35 years, found that those who fall into the categories of loneliness, isolation, or even simply living on their own see their risk of premature death rise 26 to 32 percent.
But Schwartz also concludes that many people have a hard time admitting that they are lonely. He says, "Admitting you're lonely feels very much like admitting you're a loser. Psychiatry has worked hard to de-stigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. People are comfortable saying they're depressed. But they're not comfortable saying they're lonely, because you're the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria."
Adapted from Billy Baker, "The Biggest Threat Facing Middle-Aged Men Isn't Smoking Or Obesity. It's Loneliness." Boston Globe (3/9/2017)
LS: A true follower of Jesus will defeat loneliness because he will love and have other followers at his side.
When God created the world, He declared that everything was good. The sun, the earth, the moon, and the stars—all good. He was pleased with the animals, pleased with the mountains, pleased with the oceans, and pleased with the trees.
Above all, God was most proud of His best work: man. All was good—except one thing. “The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone’ ” (Genesis 2:18).
Loneliness was the fly in God’s otherwise perfect ointment—a problem He fixed by doubling the human population from one to two (and opening the way for centuries of arguments over who gets to hold the remote control).
But don’t miss this important point: God designed people to need each other. So, if it’s not good to be alone, I have one question: Why do I feel lonely so much of the time?
Loneliness is a weird thing. If you’re like me, you can stand in a crowded room and feel alone. You can have people near your person, but far from your heart. You can be the life of the party and still be relationally bankrupt.
I’ve talked to married people aching for intimacy, kids who crave real friendships, teenagers who battle feelings of isolation. Countless, single adults, who long for married companionship. Many older people feel abandoned, forgotten.
Even leaders—you know, the ones who seem to have it all together—often feel lost in the hollowness of their souls. And God hates it. It’s not good for men or women to be alone.
Why is God so passionate about loneliness? He deeply values relationships. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So He wants us to come to Him by sharing His love with one another. Even though God wants us to be together intimately many struggle with thoughts like:
No one understands me.
Does anyone really care about me?
If I died, would it matter?
No one knows the real me…and if they did, they probably wouldn’t like me.
You may think that as a preacher I should not be lonely. I get to shake hands and say hi to about 150 people each week. I shouldn’t be lonely. I can honestly say I don’t really feel that lonely, now. My first two years were a bit different. I didn’t know everybody and you guys didn’t really know me. You had expectations of me and I knew you did. So I tried to live up to your expectations.
There are three things I came to realize, as I became a part of this church.
[Screen 2]
1. I have to perform for people. I knew if I didn’t perform, I might not last. I knew I had to do a good job. Had to not offend anyone. Say the right thing. Help the church grow but not too fast or too much. Don’t shake up the boat.
Maybe you’re a performer. As a kid in school, perhaps you tried to prove your worth by making all A’s. In your mind, a B was the same as an F.
Maybe you strove to be the best in sports, or to make the first chair in band. As an adult, maybe you want to be the boss’s favorite. Maybe you desire to become the perfect spouse or parent. So you create impossible standards for yourself and daily put on your best performance for others. The show must go on. And so does the loneliness.
I had people who seemed like really good friends who really just wanted to use me to get something. They left after they didn’t get what they wanted.
Who else doesn’t like us? Does anyone really care? Who can we trust? This led to:
[Screen 3]
2. Don’t trust anybody. Maybe you’ve felt the same way. To make it in this world, you always have to be on your guard. People aren’t what they seem, so you must protect yourself. Don’t trust them, or you will get burned. Instead, build walls and don’t let anyone inside.
Craig Groschel told of his experience as a preacher in his early years. One of the leaders of the church stood up and proclaimed. “Our church has almost doubled in size,” he started, “and the majority of the increase has come from our young adult ministry. Do you realize that Craig and Amy minister to three hundred people every Friday night? And now they’re doing another job. I move that we give him a raise.”
This time the chills I felt were good ones. Someone actually seemed to care. Now, I’m not going to tell you “it wasn’t about the money,” because an extra hundred dollars a month would’ve gone a long way. But more than the money, this man’s words made us feel valued. I liked that feeling. The committee agreed to meet to discuss our potential raise.
But my balloon began to deflate before we had even walked out the door. A different member of the Big and All-Powerful Church Committee pulled me aside. With a growl and a scowl, he told me his twenty something kids didn’t make much, and he certainly wouldn’t have a pastor’s family living “high on the hog.” (I’m just guessing, but I suspect he was planning to vote against my pay increase.) He wasn’t alone. The committee kiboshed our raise. We felt unappreciated and rejected.
[Screen 4]
This led to the 3rd thing I realized: People don’t care about us.
Have you ever felt like that? People only want what’s good for them. Your well being is meaningless to anyone else. They’ll tell you they love you or that they’re praying for you, but it’s all show. People don’t really care. This third and dangerously wrong conclusion to harden our hearts still further and to drive us further away from relationships that could have renewed our faith in the goodness of others.
Whenever I drive by a turtle, I have to chuckle at his “survival instinct.” There he is, his bony little head poking out on that long, skinny neck. Then when he sees my car approaching, he pulls in his limbs and head. I can’t help wondering about turtle psychology: Does the illusion of safety really give him peace of mind? Is he in there lounging back in his armchair, smoking a little cigar, reading poetry? Does he really believe the car tire ceases to exist, just because he can’t see it? I suppose millions of turtles throughout history have achieved a last few seconds of peace.
Maybe it was a best friend, or a Christian. Maybe someone cheated you on a business deal, or someone did physical harm to you or to someone you love. You may have grown up in a very painful home … abandoned, scarred by vicious words, physically abused. You might have enjoyed a season of innocence, a time when you trusted people and thought they were decent. Then you learned a lesson the hard way.
So now you go to a church but don’t really know anyone there. Or you love God but avoid church altogether, not wanting to risk the relational messes.
You’ve started to believe no one knows the real you. Your spouse, who sleeps next to you in bed every night, might as well be in another state. And even though you’re around people all the time, you feel like you live in solitary confinement. You hide in your shell, living with the illusion of safety. But in reality you are more vulnerable than ever. [Screen 5]
ALTERNATE ENDINGS
What do we do when we’re lonely, when we’re relationally dry? We crave meaningful intimacy. We’re thirsty for something more, and yet afraid to risk more pain. We build our response on the wrong assumptions. I believed that since people might not like the real me, I should conjure up a fake version—the old perform-for-people ploy. You know, give them my best show. Most everyone does it at least some of the time. We try to astound people with our great marriages … that aren’t that great. Or we go into debt buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t even like. Maybe it’s all about making the grade, or scoring more points, or saying the right thing. We honestly believe that if we perform well enough, people will like us. When we front a fiction, we are destined for loneliness.
[Screen 6]
Read Galatians 1:10. Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was trying to please the wrong audience. God slowly started to break through my stubborn performance mentality. He steered me away from living for others and gently called me back toward living for an
[Screen 7] audience of One.
He showed me that I needed to surrender my life to Him and Him alone. If you’re a performer, embrace the truth that God loves and cares for you, no matter what kind of external show you put on. You can’t do anything to make Him love you more—and you can’t do anything to make Him love you less.
You certainly shouldn’t need to perform for people, but in an important sense, neither do you perform for God. You don’t behave correctly to earn His acceptance.
Instead, you live empowered by God’s Spirit with the goal to please Him alone, because He has already accepted you. You’re not who others say you are. You’re who God says you are. Stop performing for others. God’s opinion of you is the only one that matters. God created you, and He knows you and loves you. Your life belongs to Him, so allow Him to guide every move you make.
[Screen 8]
In my quest for self-protection, the second wrong assumption I made was that I couldn’t really trust people. Maybe you feel that way. Perhaps you’ve been burned, rejected, betrayed, or crushed. Maybe you gave someone chance after chance after chance, only to be let down again. Each time you hoped things would be different, and each time someone disappointed you more, confirming the wisdom of distrust.
The walls are up, and you’re cut off, alone. You may not even realize you need a breakthrough. I can relate, because my walls were strong and high. My heart had “NO TRESPASSING” signs posted all over it. I would show others just enough of me to give an illusion of friendship, but not enough to make my heart vulnerable again. Slowly, God started to reveal to me my true need for deeper relationships.
What better example of friendship can we find in the Bible than David and Jonathan? The young shepherd David had been anointed as the next king of Israel, and the current king, Saul, was not the least bit happy about it.
Consumed with jealousy, he set out to take David’s life.
Then God sent David an interesting ally. It was none other than King Saul’s son, Jonathan, heir apparent to the throne.
If I had been David, I would have hesitated before trusting the son of my would-be assassin, but not David.
First Samuel 23:16–17 records a powerful moment between these two young men: [Screen 9] “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you.’ ” Jonathan had every reason to be jealous of David or to make his own attempt at the throne. But instead, he humbled himself to serve his friend.
Jonathan did some amazing things. First, he helped David find strength in God. David couldn’t have become the hero of later decades without his friend’s support at this important stage.
Second, Jonathan vowed his loyalty to protect David.
And third, Jonathan put David ahead of himself. In word and action, Jonathan showed David he would bow to him in faithful service.
Remember, King Saul had burned David. The king had tried to run David through with a spear, among other attempts on his life. So David had every reason not to trust anyone, and yet he trusted Jonathan.
You have to trust to not be lonely and have someone there when you need him or her. [Screen 10]
Here is a story from Craig Groschel that shows people care.
As a minister, it’s my job to minister to others. Honestly, it comes naturally to me, but I’m not good at receiving ministry from others. Can you relate? It was right at the bull’s-eye of this shortcoming that God aimed His next lesson for me. With four small children, my wife Amy was forced into bed rest during her fifth pregnancy. As hard as I tried, I simply couldn’t handle all the responsibilities. (I harbor no illusions about my wife’s job as a mother and housewife. It’s infinitely more difficult than mine.)
Several days into this new arrangement, I started to panic. My thoughts drifted again to my false conclusion: No one really cares about us. How come I’m always there for everyone else, but no one is here for us? Then a Scripture came to mind. James 4:2 tells us that we don’t have because we don’t ask (my paraphrase). It dawned on me that my pride was my biggest barrier to accepting care from others.
Finally, I humbly asked for help. When I did, people came from every zip code within fifty miles and showered our family with more love and generosity than I could describe. We didn’t have to make a meal for three months. People cleaned our house, mowed our lawn, planted flowers in our yard, took care of the kids, and in a variety of other ways, spoiled us rotten.
Not only did people care, but they cared a lot! My pride had been the barrier.
[Screen 11]
What about you? Do you find it easier to give than to receive? Maybe your pride is blocking you from receiving great blessings from God through His people. If you battle loneliness it’s not going to “just go away.” Instead of blaming others, look at yourself and be honest—really honest. Are you willing to risk getting hurt in order to find truly meaningful, fulfilling relationships? Are you giving and receiving the love of Christ? If not, I dare you to do something about it.
Perform only for God in your worship. Trust the trustworthy. Let people help.
Come forward today. Gain the loving friendship of your Lord and savior Jesus Christ. Be baptized and know the joy you get when you follow Him.
Bibliography: Groeschel, Craig; Dare To Drop The Pose, Multinomah Books, Colorado Springs, 2006
