FAMILY SECRETS—Genesis 26:34-27:45
Are you familiar with the phrase, “the elephant in the room”? Imagine some people in a room, with an elephant in the middle of the room, but no one wants to recognize that the elephant is there. The people in the room talk about a lot of things, but no one ever speaks of the elephant. Sometimes the people are forced to crane their necks to see other people in the room, because the elephant is in the way. When people get up, they carefully step around the elephant, because they don’t want to cause disruption. If anyone would try to bring up the problem of the elephant, others would either say, “What elephant?” or “I don’t want to talk about it.”
The elephant in the family room is a good picture of family secrets. Family secrets are not things that no one knows about; the family knows, and often others do too. But no one talks about them or even admits to them, especially outside the family. No one dares to suggest doing anything about them.
Some family secrets revolve around individuals. Dad drinks too much. Mom has a spending problem. Sister is anorexic. Brother is addicted to pornography or video games.
Other family secrets involve family relationships. The parents fight all time. The siblings are cruel.
Some secrets would horrify anyone who knew: There is sexual or physical or emotional abuse. Others are more subtle: coldness, an undercurrent of anger, or no one is ever good enough
In today’s Bible reading, there is a family secret. See if you can identify it, and how it is handled.
Read Genesis 26:34-27:45
THE FAMILY SECRET: UNHEALTHY ALLIANCES IN THE FAMILY
The root of the problem was that the parents were not unified.
Isaac and Rebekah had an arranged marriage. Isaac was 40 years old, and Abraham was afraid that Isaac would marry a heathen woman. He sent his servant to his brother’s family in Mesopotamia, and the servant brought Rebekah back, to become Isaac’s wife. Rebekah was impressed by the extravagant gifts and wealth of Isaac, and Isaac thought she was beautiful. They truly loved each other, although they had some baggage in their tent:
“Isaac brought Rebekah into the tent of his mother Sarah…Isaac loved her, and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” Rebekah filled the void left in Isaac’s mind, after the death of his mother! Not the healthiest situation!
Isaac and Rebekah never seemed to come together. Maybe it began with Isaac: a long-time bachelor, an outdoor type, not one to be around home. Rebekah seemed smarter, more responsible, and maybe she told him what he should be doing. He ignored her, of course. It was easy for Isaac to be off for a couple of weeks with the sheep, or on a 3-day hunting trip, or to dig a new well—when Rebekah would remind him that the boys needed their father, and the lazy servants needed supervision.
Then twin sons were born, and as they grew, the parents naturally had their favorites. What outdoor-loving father wouldn’t love a skilled hunter like Esau? What emotionally-starved mother wouldn’t love such a sensitive boy as Jacob?
After a while, the children began to fill the void in the marriage. Esau lived out his father’s dreams of being wild and free, and he became more like a hero than a son. He was rarely disciplined by his father—just nagged by his mother. When Esau married Hittite wives, both parents were upset. (“They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.”) Yet Isaac never said anything to him; only later, “Esau realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac.”
While Isaac favored Esau, Rebekah showered all her love on her son Jacob. It was more like smother love: She became his protector, even from God:
“Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man while I have smooth skin. What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing.” His mother said to him, “My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me.” Genesis 27:11-13 (NIV2011)
The foundation of stability in a home should be the love and unity of the parents. But instead of pulling together, Isaac and Rebekah formed unhealthy alliances with their children. That was the family secret—and everyone avoided confronting it. They all knew about it, but everyone learned to maneuver around it.
Isaac’s way of dealing with the lack of unity was to take control, and ignore Rebekah. He was the head of household in a patriarchal society, and he decided to give Esau the blessing of a patriarch, while at same time restoring the birthright Esau so foolishly gave up.
Rebekah had learned how to handle the stubborn head of household: manipulation. If her pig-headed husband was too foolish to see what a mistake it would be to make Esau the head of the family, she would take control of the situation.
It was easy to deceive Isaac: He was old now, blind as a bat, and she was an expert at deception. Jacob had learned from his mother that the way to handle conflict was by manipulation and deceit. He had already manipulated his brother to get the birthright. Now he deceived his father to seal the deal.
Doesn’t it seem odd to you that all of this happened without any direct confrontation? Rebekah never said, “Isaac, I wish we could have discussed the giving of blessings to our sons.” Isaac didn’t ask Rebekah,
“Whose idea was this plan to deceive me?” Esau never expressed to Jacob his anger over the birthright. Jacob never said, “Dad, I’m afraid of Esau.”
The unwritten rules of this family were that direct confrontation never happened.
Lack of direct confrontation leads to broken relationships and personal loss. Poor Isaac: blind and alone, with no one he can trust. Rebekah: cut off from Esau and Isaac by her deceit, and then having to send Jacob away in fear. Esau, receiving a blessing which is more like curse: “You will live by the sword.” Jacob: off to face the world, destined to repeat the deceitful patterns he learned at home.
Family secrets do not go away when they are ignored. They might have an impact for generations!
THE MESSAGE FOR US: FAMILY SECRETS NEED TO BE DEALT WITH
We need to face up to the impact of family secrets of the past in our own lives.
It is healthy for us to be honest about our families of origin. Identify sin as sin, evil as evil, harm as harmful—not excuse or defending.
Then forgive (which is not same as understanding or excusing): Let go of rage, malice, or condemnation. See family members as fellow-victims and fellow-sinners, and forgive them, as Christ forgave you.
It is healthy for us to recognize the impact of past patterns of behavior on us, leading to unhealthy tendencies. Perhaps we avoid conflict, or control other people, or blow up in anger, or try to lie our way out of problems.
The first step toward change is admitting our problem, to God: Psalm 51:5 says, “I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.” Then, we can confess our sinful tendencies to our husband or wife, and appropriately, to our children (if we lose our temper, or attack them personally, or make a mistake). Confession brings faults into the open, where healing can take place. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
We want to bring family secrets (ones that are relevant to today—not the long-past secrets of great-grandma) into the open, where they can be dealt with. That may be scary! But what is the alternative? Will we continue to step around the elephant in the family room, and never come together to heal?)
What if Isaac and Rebekah, early in their marriage, had asked, “What is happening to the love and unity we dreamed of? How can we show love and respect to each other?”
What if Esau confronted Jacob about how he manipulated him to get the birthright? Even now, with one brother making plans to kill the other, if the whole family gathered, to lay all the cards on the table, to express fear, regret, disappointment, and a sense of loss—what would happen? It might be chaotic. There might be blood on the ground. But would it be worse than this? The family is split apart, and Jacob and Esau are doomed to repeat the same deceitful patterns of behavior in the next generation.
What would happen if…? The wife says, “I feel so helpless. I know I nag you, but you just ignore me.” The husband says, “I know I try to control you, but we’re competing all the time, and you cut me down.” One says to the other, “I’m tired of making excuses for you: to the kids, our parents, your boss, the church. I won’t do it anymore.”
What would happen if family members began to talk about feelings of failure or insecurity, words that hurt so badly, or the dirty little secrets everyone knows about, but is afraid to talk about? Would it help to talk about credit card debt, lies, sex, or competing goals? What if the parents went out to dinner, to talk about the kids, household rules, and how to teach important values?
You may not know what would happen. It might be risky, and the possibilities scare you. But what if you keep stepping around elephant? What are the secrets doing to your family?
Unlike Jacob’s family, I don’t think anybody in your family is ready to kill anybody yet. If you take the risk of uncovering a family secret, you may find a huge sense of relief and gratitude.
We want to change the way we deal with issues in our families.
(This can apply to church families too)
Last week, we focused on the influence of nature and nurture, and how they make us what we are. We recognized that in Christ, we can choose to live as children of God. We can make choices.
What can we choose? Truth, Attitudes, and Actions
Choose Truth
Ephesians. 4:25 says, “Put away all falsehood and "tell your neighbor the truth," because we belong to each other. Why choose truth? Because we love the people in our family (including ourselves!), and we want our family to be healthy
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”
Choose Attitudes
1 Peter 3:8 says, “You should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds.”
How should we bring family secrets into open? With humility, tenderness, love, and sympathy. “I care…I don’t have all answers…I’m not going to attack”
Our goal should be, as Peter says, to be of “one mind.” “We’re in this together. We both want this to be better. It’s our problem. We can fix this, together, instead of trying to fix the blame.”
Choose Actions
We should follow some basic Rules of Engagement: Keep short accounts (“Do not let sun go down on your anger.”) Don’t communicate through the kids. Don’t use names or labels, like “stupid” or “lazy.” Attack the problem, not the person. Do not drop hints, and expect the other person to get it, when you could say what you really mean. Listen to honest words and emotions before reacting. Be committed to staying with the issue until it comes to resolution or compromise.
IT MAY NOT BE EASY!
Change takes time. (Be patient: You didn’t get where you are overnight.) It may be chaotic at first. There may be resistance.
Change can happen, with Christ’s help
2 Corinthians 5:17 if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Even if you are the only one who changes, you can take steps to be more healthy in how you relate to others.
If you succeed in bringing family secrets into the light where they can be dealt with, you will break a chain of evil and harm, and establish new patterns for yourself and people you love, for generations.
