CONDUCTING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Maybe they call it a relation-ship because in our relationships it can seem like we're on a ship. Sometimes the seas are nice and calm and sometimes they are stormy. And there are times when it goes from calm to stormy in a matter of moments. This is how it often was on the Sea of Galilee. Perhaps Jesus used this analogy when he taught his disciples about relationships. Let's see what the bible has to say about conducting healthy relationships.
1) Conducting unhealthy relationships.
There are any number of things that contribute toward having an unhealthy relationship. We see a few of these mentioned in Prov. 16:27-30, "A scoundrel plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire. A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good. He who winks with his eye is plotting perversity; he who purses his lips is bent on evil."
"His speech is like a scorching fire". That's pretty serious. Reminds me of what James said about the tongue being like a fire and how it only takes a spark to ignite a forest fire. My speech can be destructive. When I stir up conflicts and arguments and when I gossip I am separating and destroying relationships.
When my desire is to entice you down the wrong path then I am unhealthy for you. When I'm doing things to try to lure you in I'm focused on evil. I don't really care about you; I'm just going to flatter you to try to coerce you to do what I want.
This goes with what Proverbs teaches regarding the tactics of the adulteress. Prov. 5:3-4 says that her lips drip honey and her speech is smoother than oil but in the end she is bitter as gall and as sharp as a double-edged sword. We have to watch out for people like this.
Rom. 16:17-18, "I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people."
There are people who use smooth talk and flattery to deceive people and cause divisions. When we come to Christ we are on a new path. But there will be those people who want to try to steer us back to our old path. They will try to put obstacles in our way to keep us from growing in the faith.
They may try to mislead you with false teaching; teaching that is contrary to the truth of the bible. Paul says to keep away from them-they are not healthy for us and staying connected to them will only tear us down.
Unhealthy relationships are about serving our own appetites. My relationship with you is really one-sided; it's all about me. This can be seen in the ways these verses highlights but it can be seen in other ways too. If I'm someone who only calls you when I need something then I'm serving my own appetite. If I'm constantly dominating our conversations I'm serving my own appetite. Being controlling or if I'm needy or smothering you-these are signs of being self-serving in a relationship.
These are the types of behaviors that indicate I might be co-dependent. I'm desperate for your attention; I can't go very long without talking with you so I find myself calling you multiple times a day. I have major anxiety if I go a day without seeing you. This is unhealthy. These are some of the things involved in conducting unhealthy relationships.
2) Conducting healthy relationships.
Conducting healthy relationships with people begins with having a healthy relationship with Christ. We just simply cannot love God without loving people. 1st John 4:19-21, "We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."
Jesus said the two greatest commandments are to love God with all our heart soul strength and mind and love our neighbor as ourselves. All the commandments have to do with these two things. We can't say, "I love God but I can't stand people".
There will be times when we don't want to be around anybody and that's okay. Sometimes it's important to go and be by ourselves-Jesus did it. But to say I can have a healthy relationship with God without having to conduct relationships with people is a contradiction. To say I love God but I don't love people is a contradiction.
I might not always get along with people, I might find myself getting annoyed at people but I need to still love people. Some people are pretty difficult to love but I can still be Christ-like toward them and pray for them. Loving people doesn't mean everyone's my best friend. Jesus told me to love my enemies.
If I have a healthy relationship with God I can do that because in my relationship with God I see how much he loves people; how much he loves me. And so, with His Spirit working through me I can bless others, I can forgive others, I can love others.
Conducting healthy relationships with people starts with me realizing that no relationship is perfect. Since none of us are perfect, how can we expect our relationships to be that way? In a Peanuts cartoon, Lucy says to Snoopy, "There are times when you really bug me, but I must admit there are also times when I feel like giving you a hug." Snoopy replies, "That's the way I am...huggable and buggable."
That's how we all are-we have our good moments and our bad ones. We can be moody, we can be emotional, etc. That doesn't mean we're unhealthy; it means we're human. So it's not just unhealthy relationships that have conflict; healthy relationships have conflict too. The difference is how it's handled. In an unhealthy relationship, conflict is dealt with in an unhealthy way which breeds more conflict. But in a healthy relationship, conflict is dealt with properly so it can be resolved.
Larry Crabb said, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.”
How do I handle conflict? Do I confront it or do I avoid it? Do I address the person or do I just talk behind their back? If I do confront it am I biting and condescending or am I civil and reasonable? Am I looking for a resolution or am I just interested in giving you what for? Unresolved conflict can develop into hatred; which will ignite the fires of discord causing separation. But it's love that destroys all of it so that there can be reconciliation and unity.
Eph. 4:1-3, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."
How good and it is when I get outside of myself and am sympathetic and compassionate toward others, living in harmony with them. This causes blessing to flow into my life and others’ lives.
"In the Reader's Digest article, What Good Is A Tree, it explained that when the roots of trees touch there is a substance present that reduces competition. In fact, this unknown fungus helps link roots of different trees-even of dissimilar species. A whole forest may be linked together. If one tree has access to water, another to nutrients and a third to sunlight, the trees have the means to share with one another. Like trees in a forest, Christians in the church need and support one another."
When we have a conflict with someone we need to deal with it directly. Matt. 18:15, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault.” This is the biblical way to handle issues. But what do we have a tendency to do instead? Take it to social media; we post our grievances on Facebook. Some people post everything on Facebook. I don't know why you feel the need to make a post that you broke a nail or that you're going to Walmart. But that's just me.
However, when you delve into the arena of airing your grievances-that can be a different story. If you're upset with someone don't post it on Facebook; deal with it the biblical way-go directly to the person. And if that doesn't go well-then you can post it on Facebook! Kidding.
One of the problems is that we post when we're emotionally stimulated. And then when our anger wears off we wish we hadn't made that ranting post. But once it's out there it's out there. Yes, we can take it down but often times the damage has already been done.
So, before you post you should ask yourself some questions-Is this just a tirade? Am I gossiping? Am I attacking? Will this solve the problem? Would I like it if this was being done to me? We really need to pump the brakes if we're getting ready to post something venomous.
This isn't just an issue when I'm upset. This can also be a problem if I'm making a post about something controversial; these discussions can easily get out of hand too. I've seen it many times where someone posts something and then someone counters it and then the one who made the post gets all upset and offended. Don't post it if you're not ready to handle someone disagreeing with you.
It's bad enough when these things happen on social media but it's worse when it involves Christians-more precisely Christians that go to the same church. Unfortunately I've seen it happen and I've even found myself getting involved in these discussions by countering certain statements. And many times it has gotten out of hand. We might do our best to try to make our responses rational instead of emotional but that's not always easy when someone is attacking you.
The best thing we can do is recognize when it's gone too far and leave the discussion. We might even decide to not post a response at all and instead private message the person and ask to talk to them in private. That keeps it out of social media and away from everyone else's eyes. We need to do our best to restrain our tongue-or in the case of social media-our keypad. If we can make a conscious choice to pick our battles and refrain from certain conversations we'll be better off.
2nd Tim. 2:23-26, "Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will."
We might be inclined to add our two cents but we first need to determine if the discussion topic falls into the category of stupid or foolish. And if you're not sure it's best to be cautious. When in doubt-leave it out. Especially if it's a topic that has gotten you sucked in before and it didn't end pretty. If you're prone leave it alone.
Again, it's so easy to become quarrelsome. And how is that making us look? Is that going to help people come to their senses and escape from the devil's trap? How can it when by our behavior we're showing that we've fallen into his trap?
Paul said earlier in vs. 16, "Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly." That's what happens the more we engage in godless chatter the more ungodly we become. We need to show restraint. One of the reasons we don't show restraint is because of pride.
Prov. 13:10, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Sometimes we are in conflict with people because of our overwhelming desire to be right. We have to get our point across; we have to be the ones to get the last word in.
We feel the other person has to see it our way and if you don’t, there’s going to be major conflict. That’s pride. Even if we're right, even if our advice is solid that doesn’t mean there has to be conflict about it if someone disagrees. No one is going to take our advice when we try to force it on them.
Conducting healthy relationships means we need to be humble. Humility will keep me from being overbearing or confrontational. Humility will cause me to put aside differences and choose to be peaceable towards you. Rom. 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
When we think of people we don’t get along with, we tend to immediately focus on their faults. We see them in the light of their character defects. But if we could see them through the eyes of Jesus we would be able to see the positive qualities they have. We would also be able to see their hurts, pains and struggles.
We would be able to sympathize, not excuse but sympathize with their behavior because we would see that their negative conduct reveals their desperate need for Jesus. Seeing others through a Jesus lens will also allow us to be able to forgive them.
Col. 3:13, “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have with one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Bearing with one another takes compassion and understanding-sometimes all we’re focused on is how it’s making us feel and we’re not considering the other person’s feelings. So we may need to ask ourselves, "How have my actions been fueled by my feelings? How mature am I handling this situation?"
Sometimes our relationships can be like the two porcupines who were trying to stay warm. They would huddle close together but their needles kept poking each other so they would separate. Then they started shivering and would huddle again, with the same result. They needed each other but they kept needling each other. We need to do our best to put the quills away and realize how much we need each other.
Conducting healthy relationships involves humility and understanding. It involves compassion and love. It involves recognition that no one is perfect and it involves the realization that we're all human and we all need to be loved. And one of the best ways we can love someone is to spend time with them.
A big part in having a healthy relationship is simply being present. There are many things in life that take up our time: work, chores, kids, hobbies, etc. And since it's so easy to be busy with all sorts of things we can have the tendency to neglect the time needed for building and maintaining our relationship with those who matter most. And really, what matters most to your family, the most important thing you can give them, the thing that will make the biggest impact on them is your time.
Sometimes you don't even have to be saying or doing anything but just the fact that you're there with them is important. It shows that they matter. It shows that although you could be somewhere else doing something else-you want to be there, with them. Sometimes we think we can substitute our time with people with buying things for people. But really, your loved ones want your presence-not your presents.
You don't want to find yourself in a positions where you realize this but it's too late. Thomas Carlyle had married his secretary. He loved her dearly, but he was often preoccupied and absorbed with his own interests and activities. He often treated his wife as if she were still his employee. At some point she was stricken with cancer and confined to a bed for a long time before she finally died.
After her funeral, Thomas went back to the empty house. In his grief he wandered around, thinking about his wife. He went upstairs to her room and sat down in the chair beside the bed she had been confined to for months. He realized with painful regret that he had not sat there very often during her long illness.
Then he noticed her diary. He wouldn't have looked at it when she was alive but now that she was gone he decided to pick it up and thumb through its pages. One entry caught his eye, "Yesterday he spent an hour with me. It was like being in heaven. I love him so much."
With tears in his eyes he turned a few more pages and read, "I listened all day to hear his footsteps coming to my room. But it's late now so I guess I won't be seeing him today."
Thomas couldn't take anymore. He threw the book on the floor and ran out of the house, through the rain and back to the cemetery. He fell on his wife's grave, in the fresh dirt that had become mud. His tears blended with the rain as he cried out, "If only I had known!"
Conducting healthy relationships involve a lot of things but perhaps the most important thing is simply being there for the ones who need you there.
