APPROACH SENTENCE:
When it comes to being married, who do you, as a husband or as a wife, take your cues from?
INTRO:
For those of us who are married or ever plan on getting married, whether we realize it or not, we are constantly being blasted by so many different examples of marriage relationships. When you reach for your phone in the morning and bring up Facebook, you see that your newsfeed has pictures of your married friends going out the night before, articles like “Ten Things to Stop Saying to Your Wife,” and video links to America’s hot-button marriage issues. Then at work you interact with your co-workers and notice how they talk about their spouses. You get home, wind down and watch some evening sitcoms and observe how these TV spouses interact with each other. Let’s take a look at some of the more well-known TV couples:
(I created a montage of TV clips from several sitcoms and played it here.)
Now I’ll admit: I find some of these shows hilarious and entertaining. But I noticed that when I begin to peel away the entertainment layer, some of these shows start to bother me. Like when I see Debra Barone constantly yelling at her husband or the bossy, loudmouth Roseanne cutting down her husband.
I’m sure I’m not the only one. Maybe it bothers you too. Like when you see the classic momma’s boy Ray Barone, who is way too passive in leading his family or as you watch the impetuous Al Bundy interact with his fashion-obsessed wife, Peggy. Or the irritable, loud, bad-mouthed Archie Bunker taking shots at his wife. Or the fiery and condescending Claire Dunphy who attempts to lead her family because her husband Phil is too immature and coward to do it himself.
To be fair, not all of the TV shows encourage these things. There are some decent TV couples, like the caring Clair Huxtabel and her encouraging husband Cliff. Or the fun-loving George Jefferson and his cool/collected wife Louise.
TRANSITION:
The point is, for any of us in here who are married or have intentions of ever getting married, we are bombarded with so many different examples of marriage relationships, many of which are dysfunctional, unhealthy, and far from ideal.
Fortunately, though, we don’t stand upon Hollywood or social media or pop culture to learn what it means to be a husband or a wife. As a believer, you stand upon the Word of God. And today we’ll be looking at 1 Peter 3:1-7, where the Apostle Peter shows us the qualities that should characterize a Christian wife and a Christian husband; it’s in 1 Peter 3:1-7 where you’ll learn that your love for your spouse should always reflect Christ’s love for you!
BACKGROUND:
We’re in the series “Hanging Tough in Trying Times,” where we are journeying through the Apostle Peter’s first letter. It was this hardened blue-collar fisherman who was transformed by God’s grace and wrote this letter to other persecuted Christians who were scattered in various parts of the Roman Empire. In this letter, Peter reminded these Christians to live every moment of every day with hope in God, because it’s only hope in God that could see them through their times of suffering and persecution.
Peter’s been teaching us about submission in the life of a believer. Last week we saw Peter apply the theme of submission to our lives as citizens and employees. Today we’re going to see how Peter continues this theme of submission by applying it to marriage partners. And keep in mind: Just as the world will think we’re peculiar as we follow Jesus is all areas of life: even as citizens and employees; many will also think we’re peculiar when we follow Jesus in our marriages.
In the first seven verses of 1 Peter chapter 3, Peter lays out for us the qualities of a loving wife and a loving husband. He starts by addressing the wives in verse 1: "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…"
I. So the first way a Christ-like wife reflects love is by her submission.
Remember that this passage on submission in marriage is part of the larger context of Peter’s teaching submission in ALL areas of Christian life.
So before anyone gets tempted to trash this verse, let’s explore a bit about what Peter means when he is telling wives to “be subject” (or submissive) to their own husbands. In our world, there is a whole lot of baggage that comes with a term like “submission.” If you’re one of those people who cringe when you hear the word “submission,” you might find this verse a bit difficult. But realize that your difficulty is NOT with the Scripture; it’s a difficulty with those who have abused this passage to make it say something it was never intended to say.
And let me preface this whole thing by saying that no one dare take what I say or what God’s Word says out of context and as ammunition against your spouse. If that’s what you do or if you walk away with all these ideas on how you’re going to change your spouse, then you’ve misunderstood this whole section. So husbands and wives, listen to how God may be speaking to you to encourage you and teach you to become a more loving spouse.
Part of understanding what submission IS, is found in understanding what it is NOT. Let me give you FIVE things on what submission does NOT mean.
1. First, submission does NOT mean putting your husband before Christ. The whole context surrounding this passage assumes that your allegiance to Christ takes priority over all human allegiance. You’re a follower of Jesus before and above anything else.
2. Second, submission does NOT mean agreeing with everything your husband says or does. Peter is speaking directly to wives here. He’s assuming that the women will think about and understand and respond to God’s Word themselves. They have thought through the message of the Gospel and made a choice to accept that message, regardless of what their husbands’ think about it.
3. Third, submission does NOT mean you’re less intelligent than, or can’t influence, your husband. In fact, as we’ll see shortly, the Christian wife who is married to a non-Christian husband is shown to have greater spiritual insight than he does. And Peter even encourages the women to influence their husbands.
4. Fourth, submission does NOT mean being fearful or timid. In this passage Peter exhorts the wives to not give in to fear. Peter’s point is that submission is free; the Christian woman is a free woman. When you submits to your husband you do it in freedom, not out of fear. And understand that a woman should never submit herself to any kind of abuse. If you’re in an abusive relationship, get help. Don’t think for one second that in order to be submissive you need to tolerate abuse. That’s a lie. Please get help.
5. Fifth, submission does NOT mean inequality. This command for a wife to be submissive to her husband doesn’t imply that the wife is inferior to her husband. We are all equally created in God’s image. If it helps you at all, think of it this way: Is there inequality in the Trinity? Is Jesus any less divine than the Father? Of course not. Jesus is equal to God the Father. Yet, even in the Trinity, Jesus submits to God the Father—He’s sent by God the Father. This simply reveals that Jesus has a different role, or function. So your submission does not mean you’re inferior or unequal; it simply expresses you have a different role within the family for the benefit of the family.
So, for the Christian wife, what does submission mean? What is submission?
Definition: Submission is the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership.
You have to understand that Peter writing this to a first-century woman was revolutionary! Society kept women down; they were considered inferior; they were secluded. Wives had ZERO say in their household; they weren’t allowed to vote or teach. They were, by obligation, in submission to their husbands. They had NO CHOICE BUT TO SUBMIT!
Now enters Peter encouraging wives to “be submissive.” And that begs a question: If the women were already in submission to their husbands, why is Peter telling them to submit? In the original language, the command to “be subject” or “be submissive” literally means to "place yourself in submission.” What Peter is saying is that, “Wives, you’ve been sitting down on the outside because you had no choice. But now you are given a voluntary choice, an act of will rather than a legal requirement.” What Peter’s doing here is he’s making decision makers out of those who were forbidden to make decisions.
You see, Peter is getting to the heart of it…he’s after a heart attitude, a spirit of humility by choice, not by coercion. For the wife, submission is an attitude where she says to her husband, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish when you are passive and I don’t flourish when I’m given the responsibility to make sure the family works; I will honor Christ by yielding to your leadership! And as long as you don’t lead this family into sin, I will follow you.” And this is such a beautiful and honorable thing. So beautiful and honorable that Peter says this is even applicable to those women who are married to non-Christian husbands:
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,"
Imagine winning someone over to Jesus without preaching at that person? What if he or she simply witnessed Christ at work in you and desired to know the God who has transformed you? Yet this is exactly what Peter is suggesting. This is an echo of what he said earlier in chapter 2, verse 12: “Keep your conduct…honorable, so that when they [unbelievers] speak against you…they may see your good deeds and glorify God…” In other words, we ought to conduct ourselves in such a way that when others observe us and our “peculiar” ways, they might be drawn to God.
So if you’re married to a man who is not a follower of Jesus, God will use your submission as a powerful spiritual influence in your home. Now it is not guaranteeing that your husband will convert…it says he “may be won”. Chances are that your husband won’t be converted by preaching or nagging, because might drive him further from God. What you’re being told is that the best thing you can do for him is to display Christ through your character and your conduct; this is the most promising option. If he continues to reject Christianity? Well, that is his problem and he is the only one responsible for that, so don’t put that burden on yourself. Continue to demonstrate the extraordinary love of God.
II. The second way a Christ-like wife reflects love is by her sanctification.
"2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct."
Verse 2 assumes that wives will be characterized by their godly respect and their pure conduct. And when Peter says “respectful” here, he’s not talking about a woman’s respect for her husband (that’s something Paul deals with in his letter to the Ephesians). When we read the word “respectful” here, were reading a translation of the phrase “in fear.” So a literal translation would be “as they observe your pure conduct in fear.” He’s not talking about any kind of fear directed toward the husband; rather, he is emphasizing fear, or reverence, that is directed toward God. Peter’s point is this: Any and all good conduct of yours should stem from your relationship with God. You don’t conduct yourself in such a way in order to show how godly you are, to avoid conflict, to impress the neighbors, or to manipulate your husband. You conduct yourself in such a way because it’s an outpouring of your relationship with God and your trust in Him. A quality of yours should be your sanctification—your being set apart for God’s purposes as you grow in holiness.
Women, your sanctification, your holiness, will be evidenced by a heart that is pure and fully devoted to Christ. Daily, as you submit to the Lord, daily you will look more and more like Jesus. Be characterized by submission and sanctification.
III. The third way a Christ-like wife reflects love is by her inner-splendor.
"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."
Apparently, women in the first-century were just as captivated by the latest fashions as women are today. It wasn’t uncommon for first-century women to compete with each other in dress and hairdos, and it wasn’t unusual for them to be decked out in elaborate jewelry and expensive clothes.
So Peter is exhorting the women to stop putting all their attention and value on the external, but to focus on the internal. Of course he’s not forbidding women to wear jewelry or nice clothing—it’s obviously a good thing to look presentable and attractive for your husband—rather, he is warning against placing your identity in these external things. He’s warning against making these external, temporary things your source of beauty.
If you are a woman—whether a teenager or a wife and mother—the world tells you the opposite of what Peter is saying. The world uses a megaphone to tell you appearance is everything. When you are in the checkout line at the supermarket, supermodels in dozens of magazines are craving your attention. When you turn on the television, commercials about lotions, hair products, and the latest fashions cry out to you. And it doesn’t matter what the product is, companies will try to sell you just about anything by making it look sexy.
But understand this: God has a very different message, for when he looks upon you, He looks at your heart. He’s most concerned with the state of your heart.
This is why Peter says in verse 4, “but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
External beauty will perish, but internal beauty is imperishable, and it is your inner-person that God considers most valuable. The world would have you think that you become less beautiful the older you get, but God says, “Not true!” In fact, just the opposite is true: You have the opportunity to become more beautiful the older you get. As you grow in your relationship with Christ you are building up your inner-beauty…the ONLY aspect of beauty that will never fade away!
As opposed to the loud, abrasive personality of the woman influenced by culture who places her identity in external appearances and screams for the world to notice her beauty, the woman influenced by God recognizes that her beauty is within. She has a gentle and quiet spirit. She isn’t insistent on her own rights, she’s not pushy, she’s not demanding of her own way.
It’s through your gentle and quiet spirit that you exhibit trust in God. Rather than beating your husband down with words and gossiping about him to your girlfriends and family, you show your love to him through your gentleness. You love him with the same kind of grace that Jesus loves you with.
So ladies, where is your focus? Is your focus on the external or the internal? Do you spend more time looking in the mirror than you do looking in the Bible? If you want to be a woman who is characterized by inner-splendor, you must understand that your source of authority and validation is not People magazine, but the Bible. It means that those things that make you beautiful should be from your heart, not the store. It means that your heroes are women like Rachel, Ruth, and Mary, not Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian, or Taylor Swift.
It means that you adorn yourselves by hoping in God and trusting in His goodness. The same way Sarah, the wife of Abraham, adorned herself.
An example: Sarah
“For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”
No, don’t go around calling your husband “lord”…This was simply an Old Testament cultural term of respect…a pet name, if you will. Remember the context here: Peter is addressing Christian women who are living as foreigners and resident aliens in a hostile society. Much the same way that we read, in Genesis, of Sarah living in an unjust and frightening situation in a foreign environment. He’s saying, “Just like there had been times for Sarah in which following Abraham meant trusting God in uncertain and unpleasant situations, God wants you, also, to have that level of trust in Him.”
So ladies: You may suffer for being a peculiar wife, be made fun of for standing for an unpopular belief, for refusing to speak ill of your husband to your friends, or for doing what is good and right in the name of Christ. But don’t let that scare you; don’t fear that. Trust in God! Love your husband by your submission, your sanctification, and your inner-splendor.
And men, we’re not off the hook. Peter speaks briefly, but forcibly, to the husbands. In verse 7 he says,
"7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
In this one verse, Peter gives us four ways that we, as husbands, should reflect love.
I. The first way a Christ-like husband reflects love is by honoring his wife physically.
We’re not talking about sharing the same address. Do you “live with” her? Are you “doing life” with her? When you are physically home with your wife, are you present with her?
Guys, you must make time to be home with your wife. Communicate with her. One survey revealed that the average husband and wife had thirty-seven minutes a week together in actual communication. So when she’s talking to you during the football game, pause the game and focus on her. Listen to her. If you don’t, she might just wonder why you’d prefer to give your attention to 11 men in tights on the TV screen.
I read these two imaginary journal entries that show a wife and her husband’s reflection on the same day's events:
Her Journal:
Tonight, my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. When we got home, he just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I don't know what to do.
His Journal:
Rough day. Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
As husbands this is something we really have to work on. Be intentional with spending time with your wife, communicating with her, and doing life with her. Honor her by being physically present with her.
II. Then the second way you reflect love to your wife is by honoring her intellectually.
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
This phrase “in an understanding way” literally means “according to knowledge.” Likewise, husbands, live with your wives “according to knowledge.” What Peter’s saying is, “Men, honor your wife intellectually. Know and understand your wife’s moods, feelings, needs, fears, and hopes. Share meaningful communication with her.”
Guys, if I asked you if you “know” your wife, how would you answer? What if I asked your wife if you “know” her? How would she respond?
Do you realize that it’s possible to sit with your wife on the same couch every night, watch the same TV shows with her, eat the same food as her, sleep in the same bed as her, raise the same kids with her, while at the same you don’t even know her?
Honor your wife intellectually. Take her out on dates and get to know her. Learn about her desires, goals, and frustrations. When she talks to you about her day, engage with her in conversation.
III. The third way a Christ-like husband reflects love is by honoring his wife emotionally.
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
When he says that women are “weaker vessel” he’s saying that, in general, men are larger and stronger than women…unless of your course your name is Ronda Rousey. Understand that Peter is really going deep with this one and we need to really grasp what is means to show honor to our wives as the weaker vessel.
- It means that you never take advantage of her physically. You better never hit your wife or push her or grab her or restrain her. Don’t give her that piercing angry look. Don’t get right up in her face. And you better not use your size or strength to threaten any sort of physical harm against her. If you do, you’re a coward, a pathetic excuse for a man, and you need to fall on your face and repent. Never, EVER take advantage of her physically. Never play the role of the bully to push her around. You are NOT to use your position of authority to mistreat or manipulate your wife. If you feel like I just called you out, don’t walk just walk away. Get help; it’s available to you too. To show your wife honor means you will treat her like an expensive, beautiful, and fragile vase, in which is precious treasure.
- It also means more than this. To show honor to your wife as the weaker vessel means that you will cherish her and will never take advantage of her emotionally. You will never exploit her vulnerabilities. And if you think your role as leader means you can belittle your wife privately or publicly, you’re wrong. If you think it’s okay to act indifferently to her because you’re in an argument or to be disconnected from her because you’re in a “rough patch,” you’re disobeying God. God’s word calls you to honor your wife in your words, in your praise of her, in your encouragement. You will treat her with significance; you will esteem her and appreciate her. You should have an inclination to bless her with gifts. To lavish her with praise. To express your gratefulness and appreciation. Your words and your actions will convince her that you are crazy about her and only want what’s best for her. You refuse to let your words tear her down. You refuse to speak ill of her and your refuse to say demeaning, cruel, and disrespectful things to her and about her. Rather, you will speak honestly, respectfully, and lovingly to her. You will connect with her, encourage her, and pursue her.
Husbands, your wife is an heir with you of the grace of life. She is your equal. She is eternally important and she shares the same spiritual inheritance as you. Bestow honor on her…be her knight in shining armor…love her and lead her. Let me ask you: Does your wife know that you love her? Are you sensitive to her needs? Do you invest in her emotionally?
IV. Then the fourth way you reflect Christ in your marriage is by honoring your wife spiritually.
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Peter’s conclusion here is a stern and serious warning to husbands. If you don’t listen to God’s command to love and honor your wife, but instead are harsh, brutal, mean, or indifferent to her with your words or actions, God will not listen to your prayers. Guys, are you hearing this? God will ‘interrupt’ his relationship with you when you aren’t loving your wife. So don’t think for one second that you can come before God in prayer when you haven’t loved your wife as Christ has loved the church. God will shut the door in your face if you abuse your authority or if you fail to love and lead your wife.
And notice that Peter assumes that husbands will pray. So when you are loving your wife as Christ loved the church, be sure you are leading her spiritually. Pray for her, pray with her, pray over her, don’t let her be the one dragging you to church or to Bible study, you initiate it. So guys, where is your focus? Do you spend more time in front of the TV watching football than you do in the Bible? Do you get up early in the morning to hit the gym more than you do to hit the floor with your knees in prayer? If you want to lead like Jesus, you must understand that your source of authority is not Fox News or Men’s Health magazine, but the Bible. It means that your heroes are men like Joseph, Joshua, and Elijah, not Donald Trump, Kanye West, or Pope Francis.
For husbands, the bottom line is this: Love your wife as Christ loved the Church. What did Christ do for the Church? He died for her, right? Of course! But He also lived his life for her! His time on this earth was spent dying to Himself. He lived a completely selfless life, putting you before Himself. If you love like that, if you love your wife and desire what is best for her and put her first, you’ll bring God glory through your marriage. And your marriage will be a reflection of the Gospel, pointing other to Jesus.
CONCLUSION:
Your love for your spouse should always reflect Christ’s love for you! Women, whatever God has done for you, through Jesus, go and do for your husband. Likewise men, whatever God has done for you, through Jesus, go and do for your wife. Love your spouse the way God, through Christ, loves you.
In their book, Sacred Romance, authors Brent Curtis and John Eldridge paint a vivid image to convey this sort of love. Here’s what they write:
Have you ever had to turn a lover over to a mortal enemy to allow her to find out for herself what his intentions toward her really were? Have you ever had to lie in bed knowing she was believing his lies and was with him every night? Have you ever held back, while your enemy and his friends took advantage of your lover even as you sat nearby, unable to win her heart enough so she would trust you to rescue her?
Have you ever called this one you had loved for so long … and asked her if she was ready to come back to you, only to have her say her heart was still captured by your enemy? Have you ever watched your lover’s beauty slowly diminish and fade in a haze of alcohol and drugs, until she is no longer recognizable in body or soul? Have you ever loved one so much that you even send your only son to talk with her about your love for her, knowing that she will kill him?
All this and more God has endured, yet he refuses to stop loving us.
Until we turn to God and receive His love, we won’t be able to love our spouses the way God loves us. We can only extend that love when we have truly experienced it.
If you've never truly experiences Christ's love, understand that the essence of the gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. Let me ask you: Have you received this love? If you have received this love, is your marriage an illustration of the gospel?
Let’s bow our heads in an attitude of prayer:
If you haven’t yet turned to God and received His love, then during the next moments I want you to do that. Talk to God…ask Him to forgive you of all those things that you’ve said that were displeasing to Him, all those things that you’ve done that were displeasing to Him, all those things that you’ve thought that were displeasing to Him. God loves you and He’s standing in front of you with His arms stretched forward offering you this salvation. He offers you this gift not because you’ve done some “good things”; he offers you this gift not because you haven’t done certain “bad things”. He offers you this gift because He loves you and because His Son, Jesus, died for you. Jesus paid your penalty for sin so you could enjoy life with Him—a blessed life here and now, on this earth, and everlasting life then and there, in Heaven.
And for those in here who are believers, but haven’t really been living like one, take this time to remind yourself of the great love God has for you. Maybe you realize that you haven’t been loving your spouse the way Christ loves you; use this time to turn to your spouse and ask them for forgiveness and renew your love commitment to God. And for every one of us in here, let’s allow God to rest His glory in our marriages and in all of our relationships; let’s allow God to rest His glory in every area of our lives.
PRAY
