Family Feuds
Pt. 4 - The Fixed Fight
I. Introduction
At odds. At each other’s throats. Fights. Family Feuds. Good TV. Terrible life. When Family Feuds slip over into real life they are very seldom laughing matters. Family Feuds create life long limps and open wounds. Wrong words, looks, actions from family have life altering impact. Unfortunately, these feuds are common and no family is immune to them.
As we conclude this series, I can’t possibly skip or fail to examine one of the most famous feuds in Scripture. This feud had generational roots and impact. The main characters are well known and their story is familiar.
Text: Genesis 25:27-34 (Message)
The boys grew up. Esau became an expert hunter, an outdoorsman. Jacob was a quiet man preferring life indoors among the tents (girly man or at very least a momma's boy). Isaac loved Esau because he loved his game, but Rebekah loved Jacob.
One day Jacob was cooking a stew. Esau came in from the field, starved. Esau said to Jacob, “Give me some of that red stew—I’m starved!” That’s how he came to be called Edom (Red). Jacob said, “Make me a trade: my stew for your rights as the firstborn.” Esau said, “I’m starving! What good is a birthright if I’m dead?” Jacob said, “First, swear to me.” And he did it. On oath Esau traded away his rights as the firstborn. Jacob gave him bread and the stew of lentils. He ate and drank, got up and left. That’s how Esau shrugged off his rights as the firstborn. (Freebee - one of the fruits of a feud is that we capitalize on other people's needs to meet our own - hurt people/hurt people and hurt people use people. Wished I had time to deal with the fact that Esau is the perfect picture of our current culture. We will give up everything simply because we don't have the ability to delay gratification.)
Genesis 27:32-37, 41
His father Isaac said, “And who are you?” “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau.” Isaac started to tremble, shaking violently. He said, “Then who hunted game and brought it to me? I finished the meal just now, before you walked in. And I blessed him—he’s blessed for good!” Esau, hearing his father’s words, sobbed violently and most bitterly, and cried to his father, “My father! Can’t you also bless me?” “Your brother,” he said, “came here falsely and took your blessing.”
Esau said, “Not for nothing was he named Jacob, the Heel. Twice now he’s tricked me: first he took my birthright and now he’s taken my blessing.” He begged, “Haven’t you kept back any blessing for me?” Isaac answered Esau, “I’ve made him your master, and all his brothers his servants, and lavished grain and wine on him. I’ve given it all away. What’s left for you, my son?”
41Esau seethed in anger against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him; he brooded, “The time for mourning my father’s death is close. And then I’ll kill my brother Jacob.”
Genesis 33:1-2
Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming with his four hundred men. He divided the children between Leah and Rachel and the two maidservants. He put the maidservants out in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. (He had learned the art of favoritism well). He led the way and, as he approached his brother, bowed seven times, honoring his brother. But Esau ran up and embraced him, held him tight and kissed him. And they both wept.
This account is one of favoritism, trickery, stealing, and feuding. Esau is deceived twice by his brother Jacob. He forfeits his birthright for beans and then to make matters worse he loses his blessing due to Jacob’s antics. Scripture says that Esau is so angry that he vows to kill his brother. It makes sense as to why he would want to do so. This account and feud spans the pages of many years. It also teaches us some things we need to know.
1. Lack of agreement leads to feuds.
We tend to focus on the favoritism that the parents are guilty of in this story. What we fail to see is the root of the problem. The favoritism is the fruit. The root was lack of agreement. The parents weren’t in agreement about their sons. Scripture teaches us clearly by saying “if two of you agree on earth . . . It will be done.” So, we have rightfully concluded that agreement makes us powerful. But long before that statement was made we see the object lesson of this family and they teach us that the power of agreement may only be surpassed by the power of disagreement. Far too often feuds are nothing more the fruit of lack of agreement. We can’t get on the same page and that lack of agreement results in such a division that for years we are destroyed. Remember I told you last week that “Our ability to see things differently is a gift not a curse!” However, our difference in perspective can not result in disagreement. Unity is blessed. How many of us are living under the curse of disunity simply because we have failed to understand the necessity to be in agreement. In other words, we must learn to be in agreement even when we disagree. Feuds are one of the favorite and most frequently used tools of the enemy not just because they destroy relationship but because they assassinate agreement. The feuds make us powerless!
2. Distance doesn’t defuse it only delays.
If we are not careful we read this account and we begin to believe that distance is what fixed this feud. Because Jacob left and changed scenery that the separation fixed the feud. That isn’t true. Distance didn't deal with the fall out of the feud.
Genesis 32:6-8
The messengers came back to Jacob and said, “We talked to your brother Esau and he’s on his way to meet you. But he has four hundred men with him.” Jacob was scared. Very scared. Panicked, he divided his people, sheep, cattle, and camels into two camps. He thought, “If Esau comes on the first camp and attacks it, the other camp has a chance to get away.”
Think about what this passage is telling us. Jacob has separated himself. Years have passed. Stations in life have changed. Married. Children. Flocks. And yet even with distance still afraid and consumed by fear. So afraid of the continued fruit of the feud that he sets his family up so that all of them won’t be killed.
Distance won’t defuse a feud. We have talked about the fact that distance may be necessary. You may need to walk away. You may need to spend less time with the person. However, distance only delays the fact that you are still, one day, going to have to deal with the fight. We want to use distance as a solution and all it really is is a stall tactic.
3. The fight can be fixed.
The whole reason I wanted to finish with this account is to tell you the good news. This account teaches us that feuds can be fixed! It doesn’t matter how wide the rift or how broken the relationship seems to be there is still hope. Years of anger, fear, jealousy, and rage come to an end. A feud is finished. But it wasn’t the result of wishful thinking. It wasn’t the result of someone praying. It was the result of specific actions.
This account shows us how to fix the fight.
Notice that feuds are fixed by approach.
a. Jacob takes a first step toward Esau.
It was intentional. In order to resolve a feud you will have to be willing to take a step. You will have to take initiative. I remind you again of the instructions we love to ignore in Matthew. When we bring an offering to God and remember that someone has ought against us we are to take the first step. It doesn’t say if we remember that we have done something wrong. It says if we remember that they are mad at us, then we must approach. You can’t improve if you won’t approach!
b. Jacob approached appropriately.
Jacob bows 7 times to Esau. In other words, he humbled himself. Approach with wrong attitude and the feud will turn into a full fledged war. Humility heals hurts. At some point we have to become more concerned about result than we are about righting a wrong. Esau dismisses all the wrong and the end result is a relationship is renewed.
Time may be necessary. Distance may be necessary. But ultimately an approach will be necessary! Our issue is that too many of us never see a fixed fight because we fight the fix.
We are so committed to our own rights until we refuse to approach. We fight the fix and our feud festers. We don't like the idea of humbling ourselves. And so the fight goes on.
Now if we take the approach necessary and there is no response then we can move on. However, what I want you to hear today is hope! Feuds can be fixed! If we can get the right approach at the right time there is still hope that a relationship can be repaired even if we don’t walk side by side like we used to. When they bury the hatchet Jacob and Esau return home in peace but they don’t walk in together. They had repaired the relationship and it was healthy. However, it was different.
