What Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know
Ephesians 5:22-30
Men, this is what every woman wants you to know:
1. She wants and needs you to lead 5:22-24
2. She wants and needs your sacrifice 5:25-27
3. She wants and needs your tenderness 5:28-30
Be attentive in conversation
Be gentle in disagreements
Be encouraging in hardships
Be helpful in stressful situations
Be honoring in public
Be attuned to her emotions
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt ... who the heck misses a two-foot putt?
Turn with me to Ephesians 5:22-30. This morning we begin a new series entitled “It’s Complicated.” We’re going to talk about marriage and millennials, parenting and singleness. We chose the title based on the undeniable fact that relationships are complicated. People are complicated. And when you have a relationship with another person or another group of persons, it is exponentially complicated. Amen?
This morning we’re going to dive into the deep end and tackle one of the most controversial passages in all of the Bible because it sets the context for any discussion on marriage.
The Bible often compares the marriage between a man and a woman to the marriage between Jesus and the church. It was Hebrew custom at the time of Jesus that the man and woman would become what was known as ‘betrothed.’ It does not exactly equal our modern term of engagement. It was more than that. It was a legal arrangement between the man and the woman prior to the actual marriage ceremony. During that time, each would be diligent to fulfill their roles in preparation for marriage. She would remain pure, pristine, and wait for the day her lover would come get her and formalize the marriage. Meanwhile, the groom would go and prepare a place for them to live together. After the agreed upon time, usually about a year, he would show up unannounced. She would know the day, but she wouldn’t know the time exactly so she would look for an long for his return.
So when Jesus says in John 14 on the night He was with His disciples and about to be arrested: “I am going away to prepare a place for you. 3 If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also.” John 14:2-3, He had this in mind. When He tells the parable of the ten bridesmaids in Matthew 25, some of them were ready for the groom to come but others weren’t, He had this in mind.
In Revelation 19 we catch a glimpse of the glorious culmination of this relationship: “ 7 Let us be glad, rejoice, and give Him glory,
because the marriage of the Lamb has come, and His wife has prepared herself.
8 She was given fine linen to wear, bright and pure. For the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints.” Revelation 19:6-8
We who are believers are considered the Bride of Christ. While we wait for His return, we are to live pure and pristine lives. He is the Lover of our Souls. And we are most fulfilled when we find our deepest pleasure in pleasing Him.
So this analogy between Jesus and His church and a husband and wife, is packed with meaning.
So let’s read the passage Ephesians 5:22-30 (on screen)
Bible-believing folks have taken a lot of heat about some of the stuff in this passage. But you know what’s crazy? There is a growing amount of secular research validating the biblical view of marriage and we’ll touch on some of it in a moment.
So this morning we want to tackle the question: What does a woman want her man to know? We asked you last week to let us know your questions by tweeting them to #??????
Here are some of the responses: (or use some of quotes off Docent sheet)
Men, this is what every woman wants you to know: Guys…take NOTES!
1. She wants and needs you to lead 5:22-24
“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.”
a. In every relationship, there is a leader. I have read 100s of business books on leadership, and every one of them cites this reality. AND, every one of them contends that the best leadership occurs in a healthy, give and take relationship where the leader does not consider himself/herself more valuable or more informed or more capable. It simply means that he or she naturally fits in the role of the leader, usually because of gifting and experience.
Good leadership is not a cold, top down, autocratic dynamic; it is a warm, symbiotic dynamic that is not only productive, but healthy and fulfilling.
In marriage, God has established the man as the leader. Men, that’s your role. It doesn’t make you more valuable. It doesn’t make you more informed. It doesn’t make you more capable. It doesn’t mean that your woman doesn’t have leadership qualities. Some of the best leaders I’ve ever known are women. But in this male/female relationship called marriage, men—you are tasked by God to be the leader. Women, you have a different role and we’ll talk about that next week.
Guys, despite what you may think, your woman wants you to take leadership in the relationship. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a woman in my office telling me that they want their husband to take the lead in the home and be faithful to the task.
Men, you may be thinking: “She sure doesn’t act like she wants me to lead! She fights me all the time for the reigns.” Well, that’s a whole different issue. Both the Bible and secular research indicate that a woman wants her man to be the gentle leader in the relationship.
Why? Because it triggers a feeling of security and well-being deep inside them when the man takes the lead in providing, protecting, and guiding.
In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, The Gottman Institute, one of the secular leaders in marriage research, discovered that couples in which men are emotionally intelligent, listen to their wives, and allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce.
Gottman says that the number one thing that women are looking for in a man is not a six-figure bank account or six-pack abs. The number one thing women look for is trustworthiness. Trustworthiness does not simply mean martial fidelity in the strict sense though that is essential to trustworthiness. It is also much more than that. Trustworthiness means doing what you say you are going to do. It is about reliability & accountability.
Throughout human history, a woman’s safety and sense of inner well-being, as well as that of her children, have been dependent on her partner’s trustworthiness. Gottman: “Fathers are the most critical factor in the health and success of children. When fathers are not involved with their kids, there’s a five times greater likelihood that the kids will live in poverty, a three times greater likelihood that they will fail in school, and a two times greater likelihood that they will have emotional and behavioral problems, use drugs, get involved in crime, or commit suicide. You can see why trustworthiness is such a high value.”
2. She wants and needs your sacrifice 5:25-27
Men, we have to admit, we’re pretty selfish, aren’t we? And our wives know this and they are helping us be more giving and serving. (Jeff Foxworthy video “women training men)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.”
Notice how the Holy Spirit led Paul to write this. Husbands, love your wives. There is the command. How did Jesus love the church? He gave Himself for her, for us. How did He give Himself for us? He allowed Himself to be bothered, burdened, beaten, and eventually bludgeoned to death on a Roman cross. Romans 5:8 amplifies: “But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!”
Gentlemen, this is how we love our wives: we sacrifice for them. We take the lead in being bothered & burdened. We take the lead in the sacrifice department. I have never had a woman come to me yet who was contemplating divorce and say, “My husband loves me too much! He won’t stop serving me! Make him stop! I can’t take it any more!”
Guys, stop insisting on things being your way. Stop demanding she conform her desires to yours. Stop meeting your needs 1st. Look for ways to fulfill her needs. Defer to her desires. Every woman wants to know her man will give himself for her.
3. She wants and needs your tenderness 5:28-30
“In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.”
Paul moves from the language sacrifice--to the language of tenderness.
Literally, ‘nourishes and cherishes.’
Did you know that men actually look at themselves more times in mirror each day than women? Just as a man will nourish and care for his body, so a man is to nourish and care for His woman.
How do we care for our wives tenderly?
Be attentive in conversation (build)
Give your undivided attention to your wife. This means, when your wife wants to talk to you, put away your cell phone. Show by your actions that you care about her and what she is saying. Sometimes, she may be telling you about the minutia of her day. If it is important to her, show her that it is important to you. This is her request for connection. (video element off of Creative Timeline??)
Be gentle in disagreements
Gottman: “Men are often bigger than women and their voices deeper and louder. If you use your voice or your size to intimidate or to make a point, even if you don’t intend to do this, a woman will not feel physically safe with you and will not trust you completely.”
Be encouraging in hardships
When she comes to you with a problem, she rarely wants you to solve it for her. What she wants is for you to listen and encourage her. She wants to know that you are in there with her, not standing on the sidelines coaching her or even worse, just watching her.
Be helpful in stressful situations
Many times she does need you to jump in and help with the kids, dishes, projects, or whatever.
Be honoring in public
About the biggest mistake you can make guys is to say something publicly that demeans your woman, even if not meant to be derogatory. You may mean it to be light hearted and teasing, but she will rarely interpret it that way…take it from me.
Be attuned to her emotions
Research indicates that when men “attune” to their wives, it naturally leads to less fighting, more genuine intimacy, more frequent sex, and both men and women no longer feel so alone. It is also the skill that leads to general emotional connection, which leads to trust, which leads to giving women the number one thing they need and want—trustworthiness.
Closing Illustration
