Family Feuds
Pt. 2 - Bye, Bye, Bye
I. Introduction
Family Feuds make for good tv whether it is in the form of an incredibly funny game show or all too real glimpse into family interactions that show all the bumps and bruises . . . Dynasty, Dallas, and now Empire. It is all good on tv but when Family Feuds slip over into real life they are very seldom laughing matters. Family Feuds create lifelong limps and open wounds. Wrong words, looks, actions from family have life altering impact. The truth is very few families are immune to this. In fact, one of the challenges I faced in this series is to narrow down text for examination. You would think since our discussions are based on the Bible that we would have to really work to find any examples in Holy Scripture to find a family that wasn't Cosby-esqe. Every issue resolved in 30 minutes and all sides happy and dancing together. However, if you know Scripture, the truth is that it is harder to find a "Leave it to Beaver" type family than it is to find a "Hatfield and McCoy" type family. This shouldn't be that shocking when you discover the first family feud is found in the first family. That's pretty quick isn't it? The very first family sets the pace for every family that follows and they couldn't escape a feud. Pain is often first revealed or revealed first in families.
Text: Genesis 21:8-14 (Message)
The baby grew and was weaned. Abraham threw a big party on the day Isaac was weaned. One day Sarah saw the son that Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham, poking fun at her son Isaac. She told Abraham, “Get rid of this slave woman and her son. No child of this slave is going to share inheritance with my son Isaac!” The matter gave great pain to Abraham—after all, Ishmael was his son. But God spoke to Abraham, “Don’t feel badly about the boy and your maid. Do whatever Sarah tells you. Your descendants will come through Isaac. Regarding your maid’s son, be assured that I’ll also develop a great nation from him—he’s your son, too.” Abraham got up early the next morning, got some food together and a canteen of water for Hagar, put them on her back and sent her away with the child. She wandered off into the desert of Beersheba.
This is a pivotal account in all of history because it is in fact the moment that all of the conflict of the Middle East was born. You can see the genesis of it here comes from Ishmael ridiculing the son of promise, Isaac.
You know the account. Abraham and Sarah are childless and although they have received a prophetic word from God Himself they refuse to be patient and wait (WORD). They take matters into their own hands apparently thinking they knew better than God how to obtain their dreams. Sarah sends Hagar to Abraham and they conceive a son. Not long afterwards the Word of the Lord comes true (someone taught us that He is always on time) and Abraham and Sarah do get pregnant. They have the son for which they had longed and waited. Isaac is the special son. Favored. Preferred. Destined for inheritance. Of course this also creates a family feud because our own attempts to fulfill God’s promise always become a point of embarrassment and contention once the authentic manifestation of God’s promise shows up! So a feud is birthed. Ishmael begins to ridicule and pick on Isaac. The problem was Sarah saw it and she demands that Abraham deal with this situation by sending Hagar and Ishmael away forever. Sarah’s response shows us some insight how we are supposed to respond when family, friends, or people around us resist or ridicule our promise.
She teaches us that we must develop the “Gift of Goodbye!”
Before I go any further I want to stop and acknowledge that Abraham struggled with this. Scripture plainly says that Sarah's demand caused Abraham great pain. He wasn’t heartless. He was emotionally attached to Hagar and Ishmael. It is necessary to acknowledge that or we sit in an environment like this and it seems as if what we are talking about today is easy or painless. Don't be silly. This isn't easy. This isn't painless. Developing the gift of goodbye is difficult and will produce pain. However, the question must be answered . . . If we don’t develop this gift because we want to avoid pain, then what is the cost? Is a pain free existence worth the destiny it will cost us? Is maintaining an antagonistic, demeaning, belittling, argumentative, toxic, caustic, destructive relationship a fair trade for not saying goodbye? Is keeping the relationship worth all of that? Sarah came to the conclusion, and so must we, that destiny is more important than enduring great pain. You have an obligation to your destiny! You must be as committed to your promise as God is! So saying goodbye as hard as it is is a necessary skill.
I believe there are 3 levels or degrees of “goodbye” that we have to know when and how to utilize in different relationships.
1. Moderation.
A little dab will do you. You can be in relationship in small doses. I can spend a little time with this individual and still press for my promise. But I have to limit the extent of the time and the information I share with them. I can’t tell them everything. I can’t give them the details of my dream. Because if I am with them too much their negativity will rub off. Their perspective will influence my perspective. Their doubt is contagious. So a meal together once a month or every other month is about all I can do. I don’t have them on speed dial. I don’t vacation with them. I don’t do road trips with them. I have to deal with them in moderation. Some feuds are simply the result of too much exposure, too much time and too much information.
2. Insulation.
There are some relationships that you can't moderate or cut off. You can’t unmom mom. You can't undad dad. You can't unmarry spouse. So you have to build positive voices that offset those voices that you can't completely cut off. You will have to insulate yourself and your dream from their reach. Boundaries! I don't have to invest myself in every conversation and debate. I don't have to expose my dream to your negativity 24/7. I will have to distance you from my dream even if I can't distance you from my life. Jesus illustrates this for us in His dealings with the disciples. It is apparent that Jesus knew that Judas would eventually betray Him. So, Jesus knew Judas was a relationship that was necessary but required insulation. Therefore, you never read anywhere that Jesus pulled Judas into His inner circle. That inner circle was reserved for Peter, James and John. Jesus insulated Himself from someone He loved. Our tendency seems to be that we treat Judas like we treat John and then our dream and our heart is destroyed when Judas doesn't act like John! Jesus models for us that there must be a difference and distance.
3. Separation/Elimination.
Dharius Daniels said, "Not everyone who has affection for you is an asset to you!" Jesus, Himself, told us that there would be times when you have to dust your shoes off, cut ties, and move on down, move on down the road. Yeah but how do I know when to separate or eliminate? Read Scripture. It is clear . . .
Proverbs 20 - stay away from a slanderer.
Proverbs 22 - stay away from a man given to anger.
1 Corinthians 5:10 - Don’t associate with a “brother” that is immoral, jealous, an idolater, a reviler, a drunkard, or a swindler. In fact that passage says don’t even eat with them.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Then in verse 17 Paul says come out from among them and be separate.
Titus 3:9-11 - have nothing to do with divisive people. Notice these instructions are not given regarding offense but rather destructive actions, behavior and conversations.
Listen some of us are perpetually wrapped up in feuds simply because we refuse to say goodbye to the people that we need to separate ourselves from. Some of you are enduring unnecessary pain and delaying or forfeiting your destiny simply because you won’t say goodbye.
John tells us that we must examine relationships and determine carefully who to be loyal to and who to say goodbye to.
1 John 2:19
They left us, but they were never really with us. If they had been, they would have stuck it out with us, loyal to the end. In leaving, they showed their true colors, showed they never did belong.
There are some of you who allow your loyalty to people who have walked away to keep you in bondage. They have walked out but you won't walk on. Listen your destiny is never tied to those how leave!
Your continued longing for the company keeps you in chains and you refuse to believe the colors they have shown you. Too many of us allow fear of loneliness to cause us to refuse to set limitations on people but the result is we put limitations on our destiny! Abraham went as far to fund and resource Hagar's exit. Some of you are resourcing their continued influence and irritation. It is time for some of you to resource departure. Make it happen. Resource a break. Resource time away. Invest effort into making sure you have the space that will create a safe place for your dream and destiny.
You have got to develop the gift of goodbye.
You have a mandate to protect, shield and guard your destiny. God gives us the dream, the promise, the purpose but He requires us to fight for it!
You have to be willing to stand up and say bye, bye, bye to those who are the genesis of a family feud.
You must honestly examine and evaluate relationships. Are they healthy? Or are you in tight relationship with people who should only be an occasional visit? Are you invested in relationships in which there needs some barriers erected? Are you grasping at and hanging on to some relationships that need to be cut off?
