Family Feuds
Pt. 1 - Often
I. Introduction
Family Feuds make for good TV whether it is in the form of an incredibly funny game show or all too real glimpses into family interactions that show all the bumps and bruises . . . Dynasty, Dallas, and now Empire. It is all good on TV but when Family Feuds slip over into real life they are very seldom laughing matters. Family Feuds create life long limps and open wounds. Wrong words, looks, actions from family have life altering impact. The truth is that very few families are immune to this. In fact, one of the challenges I faced in this series is to narrow down text for examination. You would think since our discussions are based on the Bible that we would have to really work to find any examples in Holy Scripture to find a family that wasn't Cosby-esqe. Since it is Bible every issue should be resolved in 30 minutes and all sides happy and dancing together . . . Right? However, if you know Scripture, the truth is that it is harder to find a "Leave it to Beaver" type family than it is to find a "Hatfield and McCoy" type family. This shouldn't be that shocking when you discover the first family feud is found in the first family. That's pretty quick isn't it? The very first family sets the pace for every family that follows and they couldn't escape a feud.
I wish Scripture gave us more insight into what went wrong in the first family. However, all we really see is the reaction and result of the feud.
Text: Genesis 4:1-16 (Message)
Adam slept with Eve his wife. She conceived and had Cain. She said, “I’ve gotten a man, with God’s help!” Then she had another baby, Abel. Abel was a herdsman and Cain a farmer. Time passed. Cain brought an offering to God from the produce of his farm. Abel also brought an offering, but from the firstborn animals of his herd, choice cuts of meat. God liked Abel and his offering, but Cain and his offering didn’t get his approval. Cain lost his temper and went into a sulk. God spoke to Cain: “Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won’t you be accepted? And if you don’t do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it’s out to get you, you’ve got to master it.” Cain had words with his brother. They were out in the field; Cain came at Abel his brother and killed him. God said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “How should I know? Am I his babysitter?” God said, “What have you done! The voice of your brother’s blood is calling to me from the ground. From now on you’ll get nothing but curses from this ground; you’ll be driven from this ground that has opened its arms to receive the blood of your murdered brother. You’ll farm this ground, but it will no longer give you its best. You’ll be a homeless wanderer on Earth.” Cain said to God, “My punishment is too much. I can’t take it! You’ve thrown me off the land and I can never again face you. I’m a homeless wanderer on Earth and whoever finds me will kill me.” God told him, “No. Anyone who kills Cain will pay for it seven times over.” God put a mark on Cain to protect him so that no one who met him would kill him. Cain left the presence of God and lived in No-Man’s-Land, east of Eden.
As we examine this first feud we must apply to our own family feuds or this will be nothing but a history lesson.
The "oftens" of feuds:
And maybe the first truth we need to grasp as we start this series is . . . Pain is often first revealed or revealed first in families. I am convinced that this is because access is dictated by proximity. In other words, it is reasonable to expect that those closest to us may be the ones who have the most potential to hurt us because they have the clearest path of access. Judas was able to betray Jesus with a kiss because he was close to Jesus. He had access due to proximity. Those out there that I don't know can't hurt me like those that live with me! So we shouldn't be surprised that pain is often birthed in families.
Feuds are often one sided.
Notice that from the text it appears that Abel was unaware of Cain’s hurt feelings. Therefore, Abel never even thinks twice about accepting Cain's invitation to go out to the field with him. I believe it is safe to say that Cain’s feud was one sided!
How many of us are carrying hurt feelings, grudges, or brokenness that the other party is totally unaware of? We murder them and they don’t even know why! We create this whole offense in our mind and the person that we are fighting with doesn't even know it. So, then when we react with shortness or avoidance and they don't understand why! We want an apology and they don't even know one is expected or needed! Some of us are waging full scale wars in our heads against an someone that doesn't even know they are your opponent. They never actually fight back but because we are waging war in our mind everything they do, every look, and every word seems like an attack on their part. Our own skewed perspective results in you see it as a shot across the bow!
The fuel of feuds is often misplaced anger.
Notice that Cain is angry with Abel. However, from what I can tell Abel really hasn't done anything to Cain. In fact, Cain has misplaced his anger. The fact is that if he was going to be angry, then there should have been one or two legitimate targets. The first one would have been God. He could have been angry with God. God you didn’t me enough instructions. Not sure it was founded but maybe he could have played the "I didn't know" card. Or second, He could have been mad at himself. I could have done it right. I could have asked for more information. However, instead he is mad at Abel's obedience and favor. The truth is if you read between the lines Cain could not stand to see his brother blessed. (WORD) I wonder where Cain learned to misplace blame and anger? "It was this woman you gave me." He was mad because his brother, probably unintentionally, made him look bad in front of God.
Many family feuds are simply the result of misplaced anger and baseless jealousy. We are embroiled in feud simply because we aren’t willing to properly focus anger. Family members become the brunt of our anger because we don't like the favor they have, the blessing on their efforts and work, the promotion they got that we didn't, the diploma they obtained that we didn't, the marriage they have flourished in while we have a trail of brokenness behind us, their affluence while we struggle. Instead of placing anger properly on our own sloth, choices, lack of discipline, or diligence we take it out on them. We are afraid of pointing finger at God and we need someone we can see to blame so we misplace anger. The problem with that is that misplaced anger results in a lifelong curse and mark on us! Hear that again. Our misplaced anger marks us not them! We are marked with health issues, broken relationships, and obstructed prayers and fellowship with God.
Feuds are often more fierce than they should be.
So Abel was accepted. Cain was rejected. Why didn't Cain ask Abel for help? Why not ask Abel for an animal? Instead, Cain murders his brother. That is harsh man. Couldn't you just get mad and sulk Cain? Couldn't you just black your brother's eye rather than cut his throat? It didn't have to be that way. But . . .
Haven't you discovered that we tend to be harsher and more brutal with people we are the closest to? I believe that is because too often we, like Cain, we either haven't come to grips with the concept of "keeper" or we have allowed familiarity (which literally means - on a family footing) to cause us to forget or ignore our "keeper" roles.
If we don't see ourselves as our brother's keeper, then we may find ourselves being our brother's killer.
It is essential for us to embrace the "keeper" concept, so that we will respond with less murder and more mercy.
So, you want to avoid feuds? Learn to be a "keeper"!
When dealing with those closest to us we keep their heart in mind. Keep their well being in mind! We keep the best belief about them even if what we see tends to point to worst. We keep our mouth shut. We keep a soft heart towards them even if they don't deserve it because we recognize our response will not only impact them but will also mark us!
Stop just a minute today and ask yourself if your responses are different for those you aren't as familiar with? If someone here rolls their eyes at your question do you respond differently than if your wife or your kids roll their eyes? Are we fighting feuds simply because we our response is too harsh? Maybe that is why Solomon tries to help us by reminding us that a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Maybe his encounter with 700 mother-in-laws taught him that a fierce response would give birth to a family feud when if he answered softly peace could be kept!
The truth today is that family feuds are often avoidable entirely by attitude.
So, before we deal with the appropriate responses or anyone else's actions today we start this series by asking you to own your role in the feud. I need to deal with the one sided fight that I am fighting in my mind. I need to deal with the focus of my anger. I need to deal with my harshness. There is no way to deal with the feud or to exit it successfully until I first deal with me! Too many of us are Cain! We need to raise some Cain in us and get rid of it!
