Matthew 22:39
7/3/16
Intro
The two great commandments are: “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” And “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”1 According to what Jesus said in Matt. 22:37-39, it is all about relationships: our relationship with God and our relationships with other people. Jesus reinforced that priority in Matt 5:23-25 when He said, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Is there a relationship in your life that needs tending to? Is there a person who comes to mind that you may need to talk with? I have seen a lot of people over the years lose ground spiritually, not because they rebelled against God, in fact they kept pursuing God; but it fell flat because they did not manage relationships in a healthy way.
I want to share with you five exhortations for improving your personal relationships. How can I do better at relating to other people?
I. Encourage Others.
Everybody needs encouragement. Everybody needs affirmation. There are times when we need correction; but we need a whole lot more encouragement than correction. In fact, it is difficult to receive correction if there has been no encouragement along the way.
After analyzing many surveys, J. C. Staehle found that the principle causes of unrest among workers, were the following:
1. Failure to give credit for suggestions.
2. Failure to correct grievances.
3. Failure to encourage.
4. Criticizing employees in front of other people.
5. Failure to ask employees their opinions.
6. Failure to inform employees of their progress.
7. Favoritism.2
Even the secular world recognizes the power of encouragement. The employer who fails to understand that is probably going to have some serious morale problems in the company.
But encouragement is not just a way to run a successful business. It is a way that we relate to one another as God’s people. Paul wrote in 1 Thess. 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (NIV). We strengthen one another when we give a word of encouragement and affirmation.
Develop the habit of seeing the positive in other people and affirming what you see. It is very easy for our flesh to see flaws and shortcomings in others, especially if those flaws are making our own life uncomfortable. But we tend to see what we’re looking for. So, instead of looking for the weaknesses in a person, look for strengths.
Criticism, even subtle criticism, can undermine a relationship. Listen to Matthew 7:1-5 from TLB. “Don't criticize, and then you won't be criticized. 2 For others will treat you as you treat them. 3 And why worry about a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in your own? 4 Should you say, 'Friend, let me help you get that speck out of your eye,' when you can't even see because of the board in your own? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother.”
It’s amazing how easy it is to see faults in other people, and fail to recognize them in ourselves. When there is a conflict, the temptation is to immediately blame the other person. We have to be very intentional and honest with ourselves if we are to avoid that tendency. In his Peanuts strip, Charles Schulz had an amazing talent for communicating truths like this in humorous, memorable ways. In one strip Charlie Brown rests his head in his hands while leaning on the wall and looking miserable. His friend, Lucy, approaches. “Discouraged again, eh, Charlie Brown?” Charlie Brown does not even answer. “You know what your trouble is?” Lucy asks. Without waiting for a response, she announces, “The whole trouble with you is that you are you!” Charlie Brown says, “Well, what in the world can I do about that?” “I don’t pretend to be able to give advice,” Lucy replies. “I merely point out the trouble.”3
I doubt Charlie Brown was helped much by Lucy’s input.
Judging others has to do with our own condition of heart. It’s one thing to discern a problem. It’s another to pridefully place ourselves over that person and pass judgement. It’s even worse when we share that judgment with others.
Matt. 7:2 says, “For others will treat you as you treat them” At least to some degree, people respond to us in like kind. If I encourage others, they will tend to encourage me. If I criticize others, they will look for something in me to criticize. Once that cycle gets going, the relationship is in a downward spiral.
The early Church was in conflict over some issues of conscience. One issue was whether a Christian should eat meat bought from the market that had probably been dedicated to an idol. One group said it would defile the Christian to do that. Another said the Christian could sanctify it in prayer and enjoy the meal. They were looking to the Apostle Paul to tell them which side was right. Instead he corrected attitudes on both sides. In Rom. 14:12-13 he wrote, “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. 13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way” (NIV). Rather than focusing on being right, focus on the wellbeing of the other person. Care about the person.
In verse 12 Paul set forth a profound principle to keep in mind in our relationships. “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” We will talk about ways we can and should support one another along the way. But dealing with our own issues is the first order of business. And understanding that the other person has the right to decide for himself how he will live his life is also essential. Yes, he will give an account for those decisions. But it is his decision to make; not mine. I can’t control what the other person will do. What I can and must control is what I do. I will give account unto God for that!
Listen to what Joshua told the Israelites, “And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" (Josh. 24:15). Joshua made his decision regardless of what others would do. He let them make their own decision.
We can influence others by our example and by our words, but we need a pure, peaceable wisdom from above to do it right. 2 Tim 2:23-26 “And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, 25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.”
The influence we bring into other people’s lives comes with gentleness and humility. We do it with sensitivity to how the other person is responding. We respect his or her right to choose
II. Support Others.
Jesus gave the story of the Good Samaritan. A man had been beaten and robbed and left beside the road half dead. A priest and, later, a Levite had seen the man in need. Instead of helping him, they went by on the other side of the road. They distanced themselves from the problem. Then a Samaritan saw the man and the Bible says that he had compassion for him. This is the fundamental difference. The priest and the Levite saw the man as an interruption to their plans. They did not identify with his pain. When the Samaritan saw him, he had compassion on the man. That compassion motivated him to provide support to the man in need. He doctored the man’s wounds; he took the man to the inn and then paid the innkeeper to care for him. Jesus used that story to demonstrate what it means to love your neighbor as yourself.
In Gal 6:2 we are told to “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” That’s what that Good Samaritan was doing. However, a couple of verses down (vs 5) we are told “… every man shall bear his own burden” (KJV). There are times when others need to step in and help a brother or sister who is overwhelmed with need. On the other hand, as a general rule, we each need to carry our own load. In 2 Thess. 3:10-12 Paul wrote, “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. 11 For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. 12 Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.”
A good work ethic is a powerful protection from certain temptations. Here in Thessalonica there were people who had become busybodies and a contributing factor was idleness. They were not working. They had too much time on their hands. They used that time to gossip and meddle in other people’s business.
It takes wisdom to know when to step in and help someone and when to let that person carry his or her own load. We have a lot of people in our society who have never learned to take responsibility for their own lives. They go from one hand out to another as a way of life. They need to learn how to get a job, hold down a job, pay their creditors, and take care of their personal business. If other people do all that for them, they will never learn to do it. Paul put a very high priority on work when he wrote in 1 Tim 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” He told the church to care for elderly, godly widows; but younger ones were to work. 1 Tim 5:13 “And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not.” So if the need is there simply because the person won’t work, sometimes the answer is a job, not help from other people. Otherwise you get an unhealthy co-dependent relationship.
Healthy relationships are characterized by mutual respect and appropriate boundaries. We respect the right of the other party to make his or her own decisions in life. We don’t try to control that. We may see someone going down the wrong path. We may talk to that person looking for opportunity to influence him or her in a positive way. But we don’t manipulate and control. And if we manipulate and control, the other party will usually just leave the relationship. Sometimes the control is well-intentioned. “I just want the best for them.” But the best for them does not include the loss of self-respect and personal responsibility for decisions. Do we know how to back off when asked to back off? Do we have the social sensitivity to know when we are being too pushy? Do we know how to draw the appropriate boundary if the other party doesn’t have any boundaries? Those are important questions when it comes to relationships. Everyone needs to learn how to carry his own load. This is particularly challenging for parents as their children reach adulthood. God set this relational principle early on in Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” A young adult has to learn how to leave the care and control of Mommy and Daddy and establish a family of his/her own—carrying their own responsibilities and making their own decisions. If that principle is violated, there will be relational problems.
So we provide support; but we must do that wisely in cooperation with other principles set forth in the word of God.
Our third exhortation for healthy relationships is:
III. Speak the Truth in love.
That concept is taught in Ephesians 4:15. To maintain healthy relationships we must learn to do that. Most people have a problem with it in one way or another. Some just avoid the difficult conversations and hope problems will go away by themselves. They don’t! They usually get worse if not dealt with. There are times to avoid an issue. Some things are so minor the best thing to do is forgive it, forget it, and move on. “Love covers a multitude of sins.”4 But if the thing is still bugging you, then it needs to be addressed. If the problem is affecting your current relationship, it needs to be addressed.
Effective communication is essential for healthy relationships. We must have the maturity to sit down and talk! To stay with the conversation until a mutually satisfying resolution is found! There are skills for doing that that people need to learn. For example, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of North Carolina studied 59 couples. They found that those who used the 2nd person pronoun (you) tended to be negative in their interactions. Those using 1st person plural pronouns (we) provided positive solutions to problems.5 Of course, the use of those pronouns is reflecting how the spouses are viewing the relationship. Are “we” solving a problem together or are “you” the problem?
Relationships require straight talk. But it needs to be tempered with grace.6 We say it with respect. We listen and learn the other person’s perspective. We seek a solution that works for both parties. We don’t just try to win the argument.
We also need to know when it’s time to get help. I find that most churches that seek my help as a mediator have waited too long. Solutions would have come much easier if they had humbled themselves and sought the help earlier.
Sometimes couples need to get help in order to move the relationship forward in a positive way. Ken Sande suggests seven warning signs that may indicate it is time to get help.
1. You sense a steady decline in respect, affection, or love for your spouse.
2. Your conversations are growing increasingly superficial.
3. You feel less and less desire to be with your spouse and a growing desire to be doing things away from your spouse.
4. You talk repeatedly about the same issues without making noticeable progress in resolving them
5. You argue frequently or with intense anger.
6. You go through lengthy periods of unforgiveness.
7. You or your spouse seems to be attracted to another person.7
One thing that does not work is to simply ignore the problem, hoping it will go away. If you can have the conversation just between the two of you, well and good. But if that is not working, get someone to help you with the conversation, “speaking the truth in love.”
IV. Stay Anchored in God
Healthy relationships with other people depend on us having a healthy relationship with God and with ourselves. The first commandment is about our relationship with God; then comes the second great commandment. In general, people want good relationships with others; but they don’t want to do the two basics for that to happen: (1) Get connected with God and get Him working in your relationships and (2) Get free from selfishness. Otherwise it will sabotage the relationships in short order.” We need God delivering us from our self-absorption before we can do a very good job on any of our relationships. The key to healthy relationships is love which “does not seek its own.”8
Out of our relationship with God we find our identity and are no longer dependent on other people to give that to us. When we’re anchored in our relationship with God, there is a security that stabilizes relationships. We are not trying to control others out of our own insecurity because we have relinquished that control to God Himself. We trust Him with the outcome. On one occasion Paul said everybody forsook him. That did not move Paul, for he knew that God was there upholding him (2 Tim. 4:16-17). When we are genuinely depending on God, we are not so dependent on other people. In that stable position we can love them and not be shaken by anything they do or don’t do.
V. Pray for Others.
James 5:16 tells us to pray for one another. We do not always have all the facts. There may be a lot going on in that other person’s life that we don’t know about. There may be activities and harassments of the enemy that need to be dealt with spiritually. If we will intercede for the person, sometimes God gives insight that makes all the difference in how to handle the situation. We do not try to manage our relationships on our own. We ask God to speak to them. We ask God to speak to us. We ask God to bring His peace and favor into our hearts. Pray for the people you’re in relationship with.
I have only touched on a few principles for improving personal relationships. Take a few minutes in prayer and ask God what part of this He wants you to focus on, and what He might want you to do in response to this word.
Invitation
END NOTES:
1 All Scripture quotes are from the New King James Version unless indicated otherwise.
2 John C. Maxwell, Be a People Person (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor Publishing, 1994) p.17.
3 John Maxwell, Winning with People (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2003 ) pp. 12-13.
4 1 Peter 4:8
5 Rachel A. Simmons and others, “pronouns in Martial Interaction: What Do ‘You’ and ‘I’ Say about Marital Health?” Psychological Science, vol. 16, no. 12 (Dec. 2005) as quoted in 1001 Illustrations That Connct, Craig Larson and Phyllis Ten Elshof, gen. editors, p. 328.
6 Col. 4:6
7 Ken Sande with Tom Raabe, Peacemaking for Families: A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home (Wheaton, IL: Tyndal, 2002) p.173.
8 1 Cor. 13:5
