Celebrating Marriage #101 -- Pt 4
Introduction:
Children & Marriage
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
When asked to give the right age to get married, six-year-old Freddie said,
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
In answering the age-old question about whether it is better to be single or married,
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, age 9
And, when asked how best to make a marriage work, 10-year-old Ricky perceptively replied: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
BEAUTIFUL AND STUPID AT THE SAME TIME
A husband and wife were having an argument. Finally, out of sheer frustration, the husband blurted out, "Honey, I don't know why God made you so beautiful...and, yet, so stupid, at the same time!"
The woman stared at her husband and said, "Wellllllllllll...God made me BEAUTIFUL so you could love me. And God made me STUPID so I could love you!"
"Our Cultivation of Marriage"
Ephesians 5:1-32
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
As I re-read this passage God showed me something that had not occurred to me before, even though I have read this section many times. Have you noticed that most of what Paul writes deals with the husbands responsibilities and there only a couple of lines about what the wife is responsible for doing!
I. The Responsibilities of the Husband
a. Servant leadership.
Servant leadership is not for wimps! The servant leader steps up and makes a commitment to provide for his wife, and to protect his wife spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Does this mean that he is to be a servant leader to her only if she is submissive? Not at all, rather we become servant leaders in the truest sense when things aren't perfect, when it is difficult and when it is not convenient. Jesus demonstrated what it means to be a servant to others in the hour of His greatest trial in John 13. Just a few hours after He washed the disciple's feet, He would be arrested, tried and executed.
GET OFF YOUR HORSE, CORPORAL
A rider on horseback, many years ago, came upon a squad of soldiers who were trying to move a heavy piece of timber. A corporal stood by, giving lordly orders to "heave." But the piece of timber was a trifle too heavy for the squad.
"Why don't you help them?" asked the quiet man on the horse, addressing the important corporal. "Me? Why, I'm a corporal sir!"
Dismounting, the stranger carefully took his place with the soldiers. "Now, all together boys - heave!" he said. And the big piece of timber slid into place.
The stranger mounted his horse and addressed the corporal. "The next time you have a piece of timber for your men to handle, corporal, send for the commander-in-chief." The horseman was George Washington, the first American president.
(Source: From a sermon by Tommy Burrus, "Upper Room Prayer" 7/5/2009)
b. Sacrificial love.
What kind of love is this? First it is a passionate love. I'm not talking about sexual passion, we all know that is a part of marriage, I'm talking about a passionate love that is willing to give up anything for your wife, except your relationship with Jesus! I remember a scene from the movie "Fireproof" that to me is the key to understanding the entire film. It is the scene when the lead character who has been viewing pornography on line, rips his computer out of the wall, carry's it outside and proceeds to destroy it with a baseball bat while his bewildered neighbors look on! On the table where the computer was he leaves a rose in a vase with these words, "I love you more." Guys, do you love your wife as "...Christ loved the church and gave himself for it?" Second, it is to be a purifying love. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Guys this means that we are to make her spiritual life just as important as our own. We are to pray for her, encourage her in relationship with the Lord, encourage her devotional life and defend her from the fiery darts of the devil. Third, it is a protecting love. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30
Listen to Dr. Adrian Rogers has to say about this subject:
"A man is sick who does not care for his own body. And a home is sick when a husband does not protect his wife. Peter tells us in 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 7 that the wife is the weaker vessel. Doesn't mean she's inferior. Gold is weaker than steel. It's not inferior. Silk is weaker than blue denim. It's not inferior. It's more refined. It's more fragile. It's more intrinsically beautiful. God made you to be a man of steel. He made her to be an ornament of gold. But he made here as the weaker vessel. And you need to protect the wife, not only physically. And I've told you before, I'm not the man I used to be and I might not be able to do it, but if you touch my wife, if I can, I'll put you on the ground so quick you won't know what happened. Because God has given me an instinct to protect her. But not only to protect her physically, my responsibility is to protect her emotionally and to protect her spiritually. Did you know mister that Satan can't get at your family unless he comes through you because you're the head. You're the door keeper. God made you to keep the garden. That means to protect it. You can't rob a man's strongman's house except you first bind the strong man. And Satan wants to get at your wife and your children, but if he can go through you, he can get at them easily. But if you stand at your place where God has put you, then you're the protector."
www.adrianrogerslibrary.com
Some of you men are going to say, "what if its hard or even impossible to love my wife?" Let me share the following words with you:
LOVE HER!
I recently heard a preacher speaking of his efforts to counsel a man who was having marital trouble. He said to the man, "The Bible says husbands love your wives."
"But I do not love her anymore," he replied.
"Then love her as your sister in the Lord."
"But I don't think she is saved," he said.
"Then love her as your neighbor." He replied that he didn't have any intention of being her neighbor.
Finally the preacher said "Then love her as your enemy!"
From a sermon by Steve Trail, The Invincibility of Love, 8/16/2011
c. Steadfast loyalty.
How many of you have ever been around a "mama's boy" or a "daddy's girl," and I mean this from a negative perspective. Last week I shared that our text says that husbands and wives are to "leave and cleave" when they get married. This requires two types of action. First, you must make an emotional and physical separation from your parents. This means guys, that once you are married, your wife must come first among all your human relationships, she must come first. Look at verse 31 again:
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Don't run to your parents every time you have an issue. Don't give her the impression that you are taking your parents side in opposition to her. You can still "honor you father and mother" but if you want to live long on the earth don't be disloyal to her. Also, it would be my advice for you not to live with your parents. That's extremely difficult today but it is wise to put some geographical distance between you and your parents. I want to include one more bit of advice. Your first loyalty is to your spouse, not your children. This is especially important in a second marriage. Children can be very manipulative and can play one parent off against another. Your new husband or wife must know that your first loyalty is to them. Second, what does it mean to "cleave" to your wife? This is one of those curious English words that has more than one meaning. To cleave something you cut it off or cut it in half and that's where we get our word "cleaver." It also means to adhere, to cling, or to stick fast and to be faithful. That's what it means in our text. I like what most marriage vows have to say about the issue of loyalty: "...do you take (the bride) to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?" To me this means when the going gets rough, and it will, you are not going to "bail out" on her.
II. The Respect from the Helpmeet
Just by way of review, last week we said that it was the responsibility of wives to submit themselves to their own husbands as "...unto the Lord." We also defined the word submission to mean, not subservience but recognition of the complimentary nature of your position in the divinely ordained structure of the family. In Genesis we see find a word that describes the nature of this relationship. The word helpmeet comes from Genesis 2:18 in the King James Version of the Bible, which says, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Meet in this context is an adjective that means "suitable." What the verse actually says is that God created a "help" for Adam, and this helper was "meet" (suitable, fit, proper) for him. Through the years the phrase help meet morphed into a single word, helpmeet, which is sometimes used as a synonym for helpmate, meaning "spouse" or "companion." Modern translations render the phrase in Genesis 2:18 as "a helper fit for him" ESV; "a helper suitable for him"
It is interesting to note that the only part of God's creation declared to be "not good" concerns Adam's solitary state. God stated that it was not good for man to be alone Genesis 2:18. A man is, by nature, a social creature; God created us to need companionship. And, of course, a man alone cannot propagate. Adam by himself was incomplete. This is why God created Eve as a "help meet": to complete Adam, to provide society for him, and to enable him to produce children. Eve was exactly what Adam needed--a helper suitable for him.
Does this mean that every man must have a wife, a helper to complete him? No. In fact, the apostle Paul said that celibacy is a good thing for the servant of God 1 Corinthians 7:7--9. Does it mean that every woman must be a wife and a completer of a man? No. Not every woman wants to marry or is led to matrimony. However, the Genesis passage sets the standard for most people in most contexts. A wife is the helper suitable for her husband.
So what exactly does it mean to be a suitable helper? The key is the word suitable. A suitable wife is compatible with her husband in many respects--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. This doesn't mean the man and woman are the same in everything, only that they fit together in harmony. They complement each other. The B-flat key on the piano is not the same as the G, but together they make a harmonious chord. Similarly, a suitable helper for a husband is a wife who is different from him, but well-suited to him, one who completes him in every way and who brings harmony, not discord, to the relationship. Ladies, more than anything else your husband needs your respect! www.gotquestions.org
Let's dig deeper to see what Paul means in verse 33
"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."
The English word "reverence" has a simple translation. It literally means respect! A wife is to respect her husband. Wives are responsible to God to obey His commands for wives regardless of what your husband does or does not do and regardless of the "results" you can see when we respect your husband and cooperate with his God-given leadership. Our priorities must be to honor God and to obey Him -- and we leave the results and timing in His hands. Ladies, the number one need your husband has is to be respected, but many wives think that their husbands have to earn it and that they had to feel it, before they can do it. Wrong. I want to give 6 things that you can do to show respect for your husband:
1. Be content to live within the family's financial means.
Philippians 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
A husband has a deep desire to be a provider. In our modern society, nowadays the man is not usually the sole breadwinner, but he still wants to feel that his work is meeting the needs and desires of his wife. When a wife will live within the family's financial means, she's communicating respect to her husband by validating his hard work and his need to be a provider. She's also removing financial stress from the marriage.
2. Prioritize what happens in the bedroom.
Hebrew 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another... ESV
One of the biggest differences between you and your husband is the fact that he experiences sex as a legitimate physical need. Just as your body tells you when you're hungry, thirsty, or tired, your husband's body tells him when he needs a sexual release. Your husband's sexual desire is impacted by what's around him but is determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of a very powerful hormone called testosterone in his body. Although the physical need for sex can be compartmentalized in a man's life, his sexual behavior still has ramifications for every other part of his life. www.focusonthefamily.com
Ladies, when a man feels starved sexually, he will often feel both the physical frustration of unfilled desire and the emotional frustration of feeling undesirable to his wife. When the wife will initiate intimacy and also be receptive to his advances, he will feel more respected and fulfilled and he'll also be more capable of fulfilling his wife's needs.
Physically -- ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. If his most important needs are met, he's content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won't know what he wants unless you make an effort to find out!
3. Build him up both in public and in private.
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
A wife's words have the power to shape her husband. A wife shows respect to her husband both by how she speaks to him and by how she speaks about him. In both public and private, a wife's words can build up or tear down her husband. She's affirming, not sarcastic. She's warm, not cold. She's his biggest encourager, not his biggest critic. Learn how to be complimentary not caustic!
HUSBANDS LIKE ME
Larry Moyer tells the story of a woman who woke her husband in the middle of the night, and said, "Henry, wake up. I just had this terrible nightmare. I dreamed I was at an auction for husbands. One husband brought $10,000 and others sold for sums in the millions."
That's all it took to get him awake. He asked, "Well, Honey, what were husbands like me bringing?"
She said, "That's what was so disgusting. They were taking ones like you, tying them in a bundle, and selling them for a dollar a bunch."
(R. Larry Moyer, "Right Smack in the Middle of Sin," Preaching Today, Tape No. 148. From a sermon by C. Philip Green, Genuine Servants, 8/5/2010)
4. Trust his judgment.
I'm certainly not saying a wife should blindly agree to everything that husband wants. A marriage requires a lot of conversation, mutual submission, and sometimes even debate. What I am saying is that a man feels strongest when his wife affirms his strength. A man feels wisest when his wife affirms his wisdom. A man feels most respected when his wife respects his decisions.
5. Don't mother him.
There's a motherly instinct in most women and that instinct can sometimes be misdirected towards mothering a husband. When a wife attempts to change, discipline or correct a husband from the posture of a mother instead of a partner, the husband will feel emasculated and it will often cause a cycle of frustration for both the husband and the wife.
6. Make sure you have his back.
Above all, a husband needs to know his wife has his back. In all times, in all situations, let him know you love and respect him. Your love, your words, your actions and your respect have the power to bring out the best in him. www.davewillis.org
Conclusion: Let's summarize what we've learned today about cultivating your marriage. Husbands love you wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it! Be her partner, provider, protector, promoter, passionate lover and playmate. Make sure that you would be willing to give up anything but God for her. Treat her like a precious treasure and your marriage will be a little bit of heaven on earth. Ladies, respect is both a verb and a noun: an action and an attitude so begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When you begin to respect your husband, he may be skeptical at first. However as he sees that you are committed to change, he will begin to treat you differently -- lovingly. Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body. Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word. Finally, husbands and wives, remember you can do all things in Christ! Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Some of you will say that you already have a good marriage and that you are doing many of the things that I have shared with you.
"Somebody has said that the difference between courtship and marriage is the difference between the pictures in the seed catalog and what comes up." Adrian Rogers
