Celebrating Marriage #101 -- Pt 3
Introduction: What makes a successful marriage?
There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther
It was the only ambition I ever had - not to be a dancer or Hollywood movie star, but to be a housewife in a good marriage. Doris Day
The secret of a good marriage is forgiving your partner for marrying you in the first place. Sacha Guitry
From www.brainyquote.com
"Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip." -- John Lennon
"As for his secret to staying married: 'My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.'" -- Jon BonJovi
Then there is also the humorous side to marriage:
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." -- Will Ferrell
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops." -- Henny Youngman
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -- James Holt McGavran
"Our Commitments to Marriage"
Ephesians 5:1-32
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
I. Our Commitment to Facts
a. The structure for marriage
Make no mistake, one of the most maligned portions of the Bible is found in this text. It is the section that deals with the relationship between the husband and the wife. Let's read it together:
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
This text has been twisted and distorted by those outside the church and unfortunately some inside the church. The culture takes a few bad examples of this principle in practice and uses it to badmouth the church, the Bible and Christians in general. Can I very quickly clear up a couple of things? First, the word "submit" is found one verse earlier and admonishes all believers to submit themselves to one another; but what about submission in marriage?
In Ephesians chapter six, Paul instructs slaves to obey (hupakouete) their masters (Eph 6:5), and children to obey (hupakouete) their parents (Eph 6:1); but the word used in relation to wives in Ephesians 5:21-22 does not mean obey, but to be submissive (from hupotasso.) The New Testament does not teach that the relationship of a wife to her husband is one of subservience, but of submission. Furthermore, it's not just the wives that should be submissive. Hopefully this next bit is not too hard to follow . . .
In Peter's first letter he tells all his readers to submit to every secular authority (1 Pet 2:13).
Then he tells slaves to submit to their masters (1 Pet 2:18).
Then he tells wives, in the same way, be submissive to their own husbands (1 Pet 3:1).
Then he says, "Husbands, in the same way live together with your wives . . ." (1 Pet 3:7).
There is no verb in the Greek of verse 7, so the theme of submission continues. Check for yourself and compare the very similar language in 1 Peter 3:1, 7 and 5:5
Just in case you think that last argument was a bit of a stretch, Ephesians 5:21-22 is similar, in that the Greek participle for "being submissive" is mentioned in verse 21, but the word does not reappear in verse 22 when talking about wives; it is merely implied, just like in 1 Peter 3:7.
Moreover, the instructions in the Greek New Testament are for a wife to voluntarily submit to her own husband (Eph 5:22; Titus 2:5; 1 Pet 3:1). Nowhere in Scripture does it teach or imply that women should submit to all men in general. Furthermore, the Scriptures never tell the husband to make sure his wife is "in submission". It is the wife's prerogative. The command to the husband is to selflessly and sacrificially love and care for his wife! (Eph 5:25, 28, 33a; Col 3:19) www.newlife.id.au
Second, let's look at the word "head" found in this passage. The amendment to The Baptist Faith and Message on the family continues to draw fire both from the secular world and many within the Southern Baptist Convention. The controversy stems from the statement's reference to the husband's leadership role and the wife's submission to him. This part of the Amendment states:
A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. He has the God-given responsibility to provide for, to protect, and to lead his family. A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.
The concepts of a husband's "servant leadership" and a wife's "gracious submission" come from the two Greek words: kephale, Pronunciation - ke-fä-la' and hupotasso. Cynics assert that this interpretation of these two words is a product of shrewd male chauvinism. To determine the validity of this claim, we must evaluate the biblical and theological data behind these words.
Kephale has been translated head in almost all translations of the Bible. According to the Greek-English Lexicon by Bauer, Arndt, and Gingrich, kephale, which means, "in the case of living beings, to denote superior rank . . . of the husband in relationship to his wife I Cor. 11:3b; Eph. 5:32a. Of Christ in relationship to the church Eph. 4:15; 5:23b."1 The word refers to one in "authority over." Of the New Testament lexicons surveyed, all but one gave the meanings for kephale as leader, ruler, or person in authority. What are some characteristics of this servant leadership?
1. Lead selflessly and with love: Eph 5:25
2. Lead as you would want to be lead: Eph 5:33
3. Do not provoke to anger: Eph 6:4
4. Do not threaten: Eph 6:9
5. Lead lovingly, without bitterness: Col 3:19
6. Do not exasperate so that they lose heart: Col 3:20
7. Be just and fair to them: Col 4:1
8. Lead in an understanding way: 1 Pe 3:7
9. Grant honor as they are fellow heirs: 1 Pe 3:7
10. Not Lording it over: 1 Pe 5:2-3
11. Being an example: 1 Pe 5:3
12. Lead knowing you will be judged by God for what you do: Eph 6:9; Col 3:25
I've spent a lot of time on this section so I want to close with one last truth that should be the backdrop for all discussions about submission and headship. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
Notice two things that are stated here: God (the Father) is the head of Christ just as the husband is the head of the wife. Here is the point. Are God the Father and Christ the Son equal? The answer is yes even though the Bible declares that the Son is in complete submission to the Father. Last question; If the same relationship exists between the husband and wife as between the Father and the Son then you have the equality of husband and wife and submission of the wife to the husband. Submission does not imply inferiority in any respect. I'd like to say more but we don't have the time.
"Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side." -- Zig Ziglar
b. The strength of marriage
The Captain and Tennelle sang, "Love Will Keep Us Together," but it didn't keep them together and if it's the wrong kind of love it won't keep you together either! What is the "right kind" of love?
1 Corithians 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends...13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
What the world calls love is not what the Bible calls love. There are four Greek words for love that are important for Christians to understand. They are agape, phileo, storge, and eros. Three of them appear in the Bible. If we are going to understand the Bible and the biblical world, it is important that we understand what these words mean and how they differ.
The Greek word for sexual love or passionate love is eros, and we get English words such as "erotic." When eros was used as a proper noun, it referred to the Greek god of love. The Greek word eros does not appear in the biblical text, so we will not spend time on it in this article, but it has had such an impact on English and our view of sexual love that it is important to mention.
The Greek word that refers to the love of God, one of the kinds of love we are to have for people, is agape. Agape is the very nature of God, for God is love (1 John 4:7-12, 16b). The big key to understanding agape is to realize that it can be known from the action it prompts. In fact, we sometimes speak of the "action model" of agape love. People today are accustomed to thinking of love as a feeling, but that is not necessarily the case with agape love. Agape is love because of what it does, not because of how it feels.
God so "loved" (agape) that He gave His Son. It did not feel good to God to do that, but it was the loving thing to do. Christ so loved (agape) that he gave his life. He did not want to die, but he loved, so he did what God required. A mother who loves a sick baby will stay up all night long caring for it, which is not something she wants to do, but is a true act of agape love.
The point is that agape love is not simply an impulse generated from feelings. Rather, agape love is an exercise of the will, a deliberate choice. This is why God can command us to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44; Exod. 23:1-5). He is not commanding us to "have a good feeling" for our enemies, but to act in a loving way toward them. Agape love is related to obedience and commitment, and not necessarily feeling and emotion. "Loving" someone is to obey God on another's behalf, seeking his or her long-term blessing and profit.
The way to know that we love (agape) God is that we keep His commandments. Jesus said, "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me..." (John 14:21a). There are Christians who say they love God, but their lifestyle is contrary to the will of God. These people mistake their feeling of affection for God for true agape love. Jesus made this clear: "He who does not love me will not obey my teaching..." (John 14:24a).
Love is the distinctive character of the Christian life in relation to other Christians and to all humanity. The "loving" thing to do may not always be easy, and true love is not "mushy sentimentalism." There is often a cost to genuine love. For example, punishing criminals to keep society safe is loving but not easy or pleasant, and asking someone to leave your Christian fellowship because he persists in flagrant sin is loving, but never easy (1 Cor. 5:1-5). That is not to say the agape love cannot have feelings attached to it, and the ideal situation occurs when the loving thing to do also is what we want to do. Christians are to be known for their love to one another (John 13:35).
The third word for "love" we need to examine is phileo, which means "to have a special interest in someone or something, frequently with focus on close association; have affection for, like, consider someone a friend." It would probably be helpful if phileo were never translated "love" in the New Testament, because it refers to a strong liking or a strong friendship. Of course, we see how phileo gets translated "love," because in modern culture we say we "love" things that we strongly like: "I love ice cream," "I love my car," "I love the way your hair looks," etc. The word phileo implies a strong emotional connection, and thus is used of the "love," or deep friendship, between friends. You can agape your enemies, but you cannot phileo them.
The difference between agape and phileo becomes very clear in John 21:15, but unfortunately it is obscured in almost all English translations. After being raised from the dead, Jesus met Peter. Here is the short version of what they said to each other.
Jesus: Simon...do you love (agape) me more than these [fish?].
Peter: Yes, Lord; you know that I love (phileo) you.
Jesus: Simon...do you...love (agape) me?
Peter: Yes, Lord, you know that I love (phileo) you.
Jesus: Simon...do you love (phileo) me?
Peter: [Grieved] "Lord...you know that I love (phileo) you."
Someone wrote that Peter denied Jesus three times around a fire with the servants and Jesus challenged Peter's love and devotion three times around a fire at the seaside.
Why the difference in words for "love" in this conversation? Why did Jesus use agape and Peter use phileo? Jesus was asking Peter if he loved him with the love of God, a love that may require sacrifice. After all, Jesus had just gone through horrendous torture for Peter's sake (and ours), something he did not want to do but did anyway because of his agape love. In contrast, Peter avoided possible torture by denying Jesus.
Jesus twice asked Peter, "Do you agape me? [That is, are you willing to do things for my sake that you do not want to do?]" Peter, on the other hand, still felt the sting of having denied Jesus, and was hopeful that their friendship was intact. Did Jesus hold Peter's denial against him? Would he still treat Peter as a close associate and companion? Peter was not sure where he stood with Jesus, so he was trying to let Jesus know that he was still a true friend, and had phileo love for Jesus.
The third time Jesus spoke to Peter, he came to Peter's level and asked if Peter were indeed a true friend (phileo), which grieved Peter. Nevertheless, it was important, because Jesus knew what Peter did not know--that Jesus would ascend into heaven, and Peter and the others would be left to carry out his work on earth, which would require that they all be his good friends and do his will even when it meant hardship.
The fourth Greek word we need to understand is storge, which is the love and affection that naturally occurs between parents and children, can exist between siblings, and exists between husbands and wives in a good marriage. It occurs in Romans 12:10 in the word, philostorgos, which is a compound word made up of philos (the noun form of phileo) and storge. Romans 12:10 is a very important verse, directing us to be very loving and kind to each other.
Romans 12:10 As to your brotherly love, let there be deep friendship and family-affection toward one another.
If one is going to have a wonderful Christian life, obedient to the voice of God and have rich fellowship with other Christians, he or she will need to exercise all three kinds of love. We need agape love because some of the things that God requires of us are not fun or easy, but need to be done. We need to have phileo love because we need true friends to stand with us, people who are emotionally connected to us and with whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings. Lastly, we Christians need to have storge love between us, a deep family affection that comforts us and helps us feel connected to all our spiritual family. www.truthortradition.com
II. Our Commitment to Fidelity
a. Be Faithful
There is one sure way to destroy your marriage that is to be unfaithful! Infidelity always dishonors marriage and is the number one source of marital dissolution. Focus on the Family recently published an article on a relatively new phenomenon; a web-site designed to help people commit or arrange marital infidelity. It was called Ashley Madison. Have you heard about it? Here's what the article has to say: "I learned about the Ashley Madison website while reading a newspaper on a flight home after speaking at a marriage event with my husband. I was horrified that a married man had started this site to facilitate adulterous opportunities for married individuals. I showed my husband the article in disbelief. I even found myself perplexed by what the founder's wife must assume about her own marriage. Seeing as her husband was helping others have extramarital affairs, I couldn't help but wonder if she questioned her own husband's faithfulness. Although the article went on to clarify that the founder of Ashley Madison did not personally utilize the website's "services," many others did -- including pastors and other Christians.
At the time of this writing, it has been several months since hackers released sensitive information from millions of Ashley Madison users. The fallout from the data breech has been devastating, and as a result, many people have had their hearts broken.
Who are the innocent bystanders in this situation?
Spouses: Many husbands and wives have had to face the reality that their spouse was registered on the Ashley Madison site. Even if an actual affair had not been carried out, there was apparently the intent to do so. The marriage relationship has now suffered a break in trust, potentially leading to counseling, separation or even divorce. Whatever those husbands and wives thought they knew about their marriage prior to August 2015, it is no longer accurate.
Children: I'm sure this public exposure has caused a lot of confusion for children in families touched by the devastating Ashley Madison news, even if most young children are not privy to the full truth. For these young ones, their mommy or daddy made a poor decision, and now in many ways they are the most innocent victims. Their world -- their security -- has been jeopardized by the choices of someone they trusted. Many children could now be sleeping in a home with just one parent, feeling unsure about who and what to believe.
Church members: According to a blog post on Christianity Today, an estimated 400 pastors or church-related staff members were on the Ashley Madison list. Many of those have had to come forward, confess their sin and step down from positions of leadership. The impact in the church at large has been significant because of the break in trust and the many implications that reach beyond the choices of any one individual. Many believers are left feeling uncertain about how to proceed in their commitment to the church and to their leaders.
Family and friends: An unfortunate by-product of an individual's moral failure is the shame it can cause friends and family members. I think of the news releases about Josh Duggar and the countless repercussions this has had on the Duggar family. The moral failures of one can have an enormous impact on many, especially family and friends.
Culture in general: One of the greatest negative implications surrounding the Ashley Madison scandal has to do with the overall demeaning message that's been sent regarding how we value the institution of marriage. It's not like marriage hasn't already taken numerous hits recently, but we are being impacted yet again with the shock and disappointment of knowing there were people within our sphere of influence who chose to join the Ashley Madison site. Marriage in our culture has once again been dishonored." www.focusonthefamily.com
b. Be Fruitful
We must never assume that marital faithfulness is an automatic; that it just comes with your marriage license. Would it surprise you to know that faithfulness is a "fruit of the Spirit" and that you can and should grow in the area of faithfulness. Let me read an important passage; Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. This passage states that one of the fruits that the Holy Spirit produces in the life is faithfulness. Think of the word fruit just for a minute. Most fruit starts with a bud or a flower and then over a period of time it develops into fruit and that fruit eventually ripens and becomes a blessing that we can use and enjoy. Faithfulness, reliability and dependability are a blessing in every walk of life but especially in marriage.
III. Our Commitment to Finality
a. How we communicate
"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." -- Joyce Brothers
Over the years as I have counseled couples who were having problems there has always been one rule of thumb; never use the "D" word, never! When you do you are saying that you are not committed to your marriage! When married folks argue, and you will, and things get intense, and they will, you must guard against this at all costs. Remember, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." -- Robert Quillen Whether you fuss or fight or have "intense discussions" never go to bed angry. "Let not the sun go down on your wrath," is a Biblical admonition. Don't hurl the fiery dart of divorce; you may do untold damage to your marriage and miss your mark you may wound your innocent children.
b. How we conduct ourselves
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years." -- Simone Signoret
God's Word declares that we are to leave, cleave and weave our lives together in marriage. Weaving is work! Actions speak louder than words. A good marriage is filled with give and take and thousands of acts of love and sacrifice.
"Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success." -- Henry Ford
Conclusion: "Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
"Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth for the other.
"Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion for the other.
"Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
"Go now to your dwelling place to begin the days of your life together.
"May your days together be good and long upon the earth." -- Apache Blessing
