[Playground study video]
Some of you may be wondering what fences on playgrounds have to do with raising G-Rated Kids in an X-Rated World. But as we’ll see this morning, in spite of the fact that it is counterintuitive to our own natural thinking, establishing fences, or boundaries, in the lives of our children actually gives them the freedom to become the godly men and women that God wants them to become.
But as we saw last week, when we talked about four different parenting styles, we need to establish those appropriate boundaries in a way that does not provoke our children to anger. And that is not always an easy thing to do, is it?
In this morning’s message, we will primarily focus on the fourth of the 5 “D’s” of Raising G-Rated Kids in an X-Rated World:
• Delight
• Devote
• Discipline
• Direct
• Disciple
But before we do that I want to spend a few minutes following up on one aspect of discipline that I didn’t get a chance to address last week. Once again we’re going to begin in Ephesians 6 this morning:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV)
Hopefully, you’ll remember the overall principle that we drew from this passage last week:
Raising G-Rated kids requires discipline that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
We began our discussion last week with the negative command found in the first part of verse 4:
Fathers [and mothers], do not provoke your children to anger…
We discussed four different parenting styles and determined that the authoritative style where parents set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits they set, and let children develop autonomy is the most effective way to make sure we don’t break the spirit of our children.
We then went on to discuss the positive command in the second part of that verse:
…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
We determined that while the ideas of discipline and instruction were certainly similar they are distinct enough that we are dealing with them separately. Last week we focused on discipline and we saw that the Greek word for discipline that Paul uses is a broad term that describes everything parents do to train, correct, cultivate and educate children in order to help them to develop and mature. And we looked at Hebrews 12, which describes how God disciplines His children do get some further insight into that process. We saw there that in disciplining our children that we need to employ both punitive and non-punitive measures.
One of the punitive measures that we didn’t get a chance to discuss is clearly spelled out for us in numerous Bible passages, primarily in the book of Proverbs. Let’s quickly look at a few of them.
Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
(Proverbs 13:24 ESV)
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15 ESV)
The rod and reproof give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
(Proverbs 29:15 ESV)
Now I’ve seen people who oppose the idea of spanking, even some Christians, go through all kinds of Bible gymnastics to try and say that the rod does not mean actually striking the child in any way, that it’s only a metaphor for other non-physical forms of punishment. When they do that I then take them to this passage:
Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol.
(Proverbs 23:13-14 ESV)
I just don’t see any way that the writer of this Proverbs had in mind striking a child with a metaphor. So the Bible clearly teaches that appropriate physical punishment is to be at least one of the compelling consequences that we are to use in disciplining our children. But it should certainly not be the only one nor should it be used too frequently.
So let me share with you a few guidelines for spanking. Most of these have been developed from both personal experience and from advice from some Christians that I respect. Although they don’t come directly from the Bible, I think they are all consistent with Biblical principles of discipline that we discussed last week.
Guidelines for spanking
• Don’t use your hand
This is not a hard and fast rule and there may be some infrequent occasions where you just don’t have another option. But in general, you don’t want your kids to associate your hand with punishment. So use an object like a wooden spoon or a belt that will hurt, but which will not result in lasting physical harm like cuts or bruising
• Don’t discipline in anger
This should be true of all forms of discipline, but especially when spanking. We always found that a good way to guard against this was to go have the child get the wooden spoon we used for that purpose. That gave us enough time to cool down and make sure that we weren’t disciplining in anger and it also had the added benefit of making the child think a little more about why they were getting the spanking.
• Limit it to defiant rebellion
We don’t have time to get into this in great detail, but there is a big difference between childish irresponsibility and overt defiance. And that’s not always an easy distinction to make since any act could potentially fit into either category.
Let me illustrate. If you’re at dinner and your child accidently spills his or her milk, that’s childish irresponsibility. However, if you’ve already warned that same child to be careful and he or she looks you in the eye and intentionally knocks that same glass of milk off the table, it’s probably defiant rebellion that warrants a spanking.
• Make sure to address the root sin
It is important that your child understand the underlying attitude that is being addressed – disrespect, lying, etc. Explain that underlying sin to your child and then ask them to repeat it back to you in order to make sure they have a clear understanding of why they are being spanked. Failure to take this important step may very well be the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting.
Now let’s move on to the idea of instruction in Ephesians 6:
…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Since there is certainly some overlap between the ideas of discipline and instruction, it seems appropriate to modify the main idea from last week only slight to arrive at this week’s main theme:
Raising G-Rated kids requires instruction that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
In Greek, the word translated “instruction” is a compound word that literally means:
“instruction” =
“to place before the mind”
We can get a better idea of what Paul meant here by looking at the two other places he used that same word in his New Testament writings:
Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.
(1 Corinthians 10:11 ESV)
Paul is writing here about the Israelites who rebelled against God even after He had freed them from slavery in Egypt and provided for them in the wilderness. He is reminding the church members in Corinth of the punishment that they had received for their rebellion and how God had caused that entire account to be recorded in the Scriptures so that they wouldn’t fall to temptation like that. To go back to the beginning video this morning, we could say that God was using the Bible to establish boundaries around His people in order to free them up to become the people God wanted them to become.
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,
(Titus 3:10 ESV)
Here we see another facet of instruction – that of warning someone about the potential consequences of rebelling against God and his purposes, plans and ways. That is really just another form of a boundary isn’t it? Like a fence, this aspect of instruction keeps us from straying into places where we might get hurt and it also keeps out forces which could harm us.
When we put all these passages together we see that the purpose of instruction is to shape the will by influencing our children to follow the ways of God by both showing the positive effects of doing so and warning against the negative consequences of not doing so. Or to put it in another way that is consistent with the title of the sermon today, when it comes to our children, it is the act of directing their lives by establishing boundaries that help them to follow God in every area of their lives.
Let’s look at an Old Testament passage that provides us with some further insight into how we can build these kinds of boundaries, or fences, into the lives of our children:
“Now this is the commandment—the statutes and the rules—that the LORD your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the LORD your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long. Hear therefore, O Israel, and be careful to do them, that it may go well with you, and that you may multiply greatly, as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
(Deuteronomy 6:1-9 ESV)
Here in this passage we find some very practical guidance about how to shape the will of our children by establishing some boundaries in their lives that will free them up to become the godly men and women that God desires for them to become. And we see two important things about that process:
1) This process requires intentionality and hard work. Look at all the commands in these verses – teach, do, keep, be careful, talk, bind, write. As we’ve pointed out frequently n this series, raising G-Rated kids is not something that will just happen automatically. We have to plan and work to make that occur.
2) This process is all centered around God’s Word. Moses uses several different words here to describe what we have as the Scriptures today – commandments, statutes, rules, words.
With those two underlying ideas as the foundation, let’s close by looking at…
HOW TO BUILD FENCES FOR OUR KIDS USING THE WORD OF GOD
One of the interesting things we see here in this passage is that we first have to do some work in our own lives before we are ready to actually start building some fences for our kids. So the first three steps that we’re going to talk about deal with steps we must take to get our own lives in order before we’re ready to instruct our kids.
1. Encounter (vv. 1, 4)
As Moses addresses the Israelites he reminds them that God had given him the statutes and rules so that he could teach them to the adults in the community. So before the parents could instruct their children, they first had to be instructed by God.
The implication for all of us who are responsible for instructing kids is pretty obvious so I won’t spend a lot of time here. We can’t possibly be ready to instruct our children about the things of God if we’re not taking them into our lives first. And since the primary way that we encounter God and learn from Him is through His Word, that means we have to be reading and studying the Bible in a consistent, regular manner.
The fact is that your kids’ relationship with God is not going to be any better than yours. Without immersing yourself in the Bible on a regular basis, how are you going to understand the boundaries and fences that God has established for His people so that you can pass those on to your children?
2. Enact (vv. 1-3)
Just knowing the Word of God is not enough. As Moses reminds the people in verses 1-3, the reason that God gave them these statutes and rules was so they could “do them in the land” they were getting ready to enter and so that they would demonstrate their “fear of the Lord” by “keeping all his statutes and his commandments…all the days of their lives”.
Moses reminds the people that they were to “be careful to do” those commands because that is what would assure that they would live a long and fruitful life in the land they were about to enter.
When I first started officiating high school sports, one of the most frustrating things I faced was when a more experienced official would evaluate me and tell me to do something, but then when I watched his or her game or match, they wouldn’t do that same thing themselves. Let’s face it, the old “do as I say and not as I do” philosophy doesn’t work very well in life and it certainly won’t work when it comes to instructing our kids.
The concept of instruction that we saw in Ephesians 6 certainly involves our words as we set boundaries and give warnings based on the Word of God. But without a lifestyle that puts those verbal instructions into practice in our own lives and provides our children with a good example, words alone aren’t going to be effective.
Knowing God’s Word is important, but doing it is even more important. But even that is not enough, we also need to…
3. Enjoy (v. 6)
Look what Moses says in verse 6: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.” I think the point he was making here is that it’s not enough to just know God’s Word and to obey it out of a sense of duty or obligation. We need to come to the place in our lives where we do that with a great sense of joy because we understand that God has placed fences in our lives for our own good and that the most fulfilling, enjoyable abundant life we can possibly have comes only when we live within those boundaries.
Here are a few questions that you might want to consider that will help you evaluate whether you’ve come to this place in your life:
• Do I read the Bible on a regular basis? If so, do I do that out of a sense of duty or obligation or to check off an item on my “to do” list or because I can’t wait to see what God wants to reveal to me today?
• When I come to a command in the Bible do I try to apply it half-heartedly or begrudgingly or even ignore it altogether or do I do my best to obey it because I understand that God has my best interests in mind?
• Do I genuinely look forward to coming to church and being with my fellow Christians every Sunday? Do I make sure I get to bed early enough on Saturday night so I’ll be well rested on Sunday morning? Or do I just come to church when I don’t have something else I’d rather do?
When I was pastoring another church here in town, one of the things that really broke my heart was the number of kids who were just dropped off at our church each week by their parents who never attended church. While I was thankful for the opportunity to teach those kids about Jesus, I also understood that because the things of God obviously weren’t on their parents’ hearts, there was almost no chance that those children would come to love the things of God apart from some kind of miraculous intervention of God in their lives.
I’m convinced that our kids have a much better sense of our hearts for the things of God than we give them credit for. So if we don’t genuinely have the things of God on our hearts and enjoy them, the chance that our kids will develop a love for the things of God in their lives is not good.
Although these first three steps are important foundations to enable us to take the last two that I’m going to talk about, that doesn’t mean that we wait until we have these down perfectly before we move on to those last two steps. What God is looking for, and what our kids need to see, is a heart that doing the best we can to apply those principles and one that is humble enough to admit when we fall short and seek forgiveness from God and from our children when that’s appropriate. With that in mind, let’s look at these last two principles.
4. Engrave (v. 7)
In Hebrew the command “teach them diligently” found in verse 7 is actually just one word that literally means “to sharpen with a whetstone”.
This wedding ring that I wear is actually my second. No, I have never been married to anyone but Mary, but I did lose my original ring in the ocean in San Diego very early on in our marriage. This ring has the words “Love Always 6/4/77 Mary” engraved on the inside. Those words were so deeply inscribed into my ring that they have survived a whole lot of wear and tear over the years. And that is what our goal is with our kids – to engrave God’s Word on their hearts in a way that it will survive all the wear and tear their lives are going to experience in a world that is increasingly hostile to disciples of Jesus.
As I said last week, that is why we can’t completely distinguish between the ideas of discipline and instruction. Teaching diligently requires us to sharpen our kids so that they can penetrate a world around them that is hostile to the things of God. And sometimes that requires discipline that is painful and that punctures some defenses and cuts into resistance.
But just teaching God’s Word is not enough. There is one last thing we must do if the Bible is going to make a lasting impact in our kids’ lives…
5. Engage (vv. 7-9)
Verses 7-9 make it clear that God’s design for the family is to make His Word the foundation for our entire lives, both at home and in the community. While, as we have seen in this series, the church has an important role to play in that process as we equip and support parents, this responsibility is primarily that if the family.
Within the family, we are to make sure that our children understand that the Bible applies to everything we do in life, not just the hour or two that we spend at church each week. And that involves so much more than just sitting down for family devotionals together, as important as that is.
The family is to be the place where the parents help the entire family to actively engage in living out the Word of God in every area of life. And that certainly means that we need to establish a good foundation by verbally reading and teaching the Bible to our children and encouraging them to read it on their own when they get old enough to do that. But that’s only one part of the instruction process.
When I first started officiating volleyball I was given a rule book to read and then we had classes where we went over those rules. But I’ll be real honest. Even after being led through some of those rules by some good, experienced officials, I still had no idea of how those rules actually functioned in a volleyball match.
Fortunately for me, however, an excellent official named Ed Vasquez kind of took me under his wing. I would travel with him to some volleyball tournaments on Saturdays and we would referee together for the entire day. I would watch him referee when I wasn’t working and when he wasn’t working he would watch me and give some pointers on how to actually apply those rules in a real match. We would talk during time-outs and between matches. And after doing that for a while, I came to understand how to apply those same rules that hadn’t made any sense in a classroom.
That’s how a family should work, too. Our kids do need to “learn the rules”, so to speak. But then we need to help them apply those rules to everyday situations in their lives. So we’re instructing our kids when we go to the grocery store and the cashier gives us too much change and we give the money back. We’re instructing our kids every time they get in the car with us and they observe how well we obey the traffic laws and listen to the comments we make about other drivers. We instruct our kids when we go to one of their sporting events and they see how we treat the other players, coaches and officials. We instruct our kids when we help them figure out how to respond to a bully. We instruct our kids when we help them to see how their lying hurt another person and encourage them to seek forgiveness from that other person.
I think that is what Moses had in mind when he wrote in verse 7 about talking about God’s commands “when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise”. We need to constantly be looking for opportunities to engage our kids and help them see that the Bible applies to everything they do.
The other part of engaging our children in God’s Word is found in verses 8-9. For the Jews of Moses’ day, no one had a Bible in their homes since most of it wasn’t even written yet. So they would write down God’s commands on small pieces of vellum and put them in a small leather box that they would wear on their wrist or their forehead. And that served as a visible reminder for them to keep God’s law.
I don’t think that effective parenting necessarily requires us to apply those verses literally in a culture where most of our homes have multiple Bibles. The main point of those verses is that we are to keep God’s Word foremost in the minds of our children in all that we do. And sometimes, some kind of visual reminder might be a great help in that process.
Most of you probably remember the “What Would Jesus Do” campaign back in the 1990’s where people wore a bracelet or wristband with the letters WWJD to remind them to think about how Jesus would approach each situation they faced in life.
When I worked in an office, I had a little plaque on my wall with Colossians 3:23 – Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for men – to remind me of the kind of employee I needed to be.
So certainly posting Scripture on the refrigerator or decorating the house or your kids’ rooms with decals of appropriate Scripture verses might be a good way to keep the Bible constantly before them – and you, too. But when we take verses 7-9 as a whole, certainly the main idea is that we need to constantly engage our children in the Word of God and help them to see how the Bible applies to every area of their lives. And that requires both formal and informal instruction.
Raising G-Rated kids requires instruction that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
And that instruction requires that as parents and as the church, we build appropriate fences that free our kids up to become the godly men and women that God wants them to become. Like everything else we’ve talked about in this series, that is not easy and it requires intentionality and hard work. But I can assure you, based on the Word of God, that if we’ll make the effort to do that, the reward will be that one day in the future we’ll get to see the fruit of our labor in the lives of our kids. And I can tell you from experience, there is no greater joy on earth than that.
Let’s recite together this verse from 3 John that reminds us of that future joy:
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
(3 John 1:4 ESV)
[Prayer]
Once again this morning, I encourage you to make sure that you apply what you’ve learned here this morning in an appropriate way, I have indicated a few ways that you might want to do that on the Connection Card on your bulletin:
• Parents, I encourage you to set aside some time this week to talk about how you can apply what you’ve learned today in your family. And if you could use some help doing that, please be humble enough to ask. We have a wealth of great resources right here in this church family that you can benefit from.
• All of us need to be praying for the families who have young kids at home. Most of us know firsthand the difficult task they face.
• Perhaps God will lead you to apply this message in some other way in your life. I encourage you to listen to God and to obey His voice whatever that might be.
