I’m sure that some of you have seen this photo which has been making its way around various social media recently.
[Show picture of note left by mom for her kids to clean up the kitchen].
As we’re going to see this morning, not only is this an example of brilliant parenting, it also employs several of the Biblical parenting principles that we’ll talk about this morning.
We certainly don’t know all the details here, but I think it’s safe to assume that this mom works outside the home and she has some older children who come home and stay by themselves after school and the mom wants them to clean up the kitchen before they get on the internet.
So just for the sake of illustration let’s suppose that this mom had used a different approach here. Instead of the note she left, she left a quick handwritten note that merely read. “Clean the kitchen”. And then about a half hour after the kids got home the mom called the house and asked “Have you cleaned the kitchen yet?” And her son says, “No, not yet, but we’ll get it done before you get home. Don’t worry.” A half hour later the mom calls again and her son sees it’s mom calling again so he tells his sister to answer the phone. Once again the mom asks, “Have you cleaned the kitchen yet?” And the daughter answers, “Well we did get the dishwasher unloaded.” So the mom once again warns her daughter that it better be done before she gets home from work.
Another half hour goes by and the mom calls home again. This time, seeing that it’s their mom again, neither child answers the phone. So now the mom has to resort to texting a stern warning to both kids. And when she gets home a little bit later, she comes home to a dirty kitchen and ends up finishing the job herself.
So let me ask you a question – Which of the two moms got the best result? [Wait for answers]. I think we would all agree that would be the first mom. But why? What are the Biblical principles that mom employed that ended up with the desired result?
This morning, as we come to the third message in this series we’ll answer that question. Today we’re going to address the third of the “5 D’s” of Raising G-Rated Kids in an X-Rated World”:
• Delight
• Devote
• Discipline
• Direct
• Disciple
The last two weeks, the messages have focused primarily on the attitude that we need to bring to raising our children, both as individuals and as a church. We’ve determined that in raising our children our attitude is more important than our aptitude. We need to see our kids like God sees them – as a delight. And we also saw that our kids need devoted parents who partner with a church that is devoted to equipping and supporting those parents.
While we’ve certainly developed some practical ideas that we need to apply in our lives in those messages, the last three messages in this series are going to be even more practical, especially for those of you who are still raising young children.
We’re going to begin today with a passage from Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus. So go ahead and turn first to Ephesians, chapter 6:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV)
Since I can’t think of any way to say it better, I’m going to borrow from Dr. James Dobson to summarize the main idea that we’ll draw today from this passage:
Raising G-Rated kids requires discipline that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
While I wanted us to read this entire passage so we have the proper context, we’re going to focus primarily on verse 4. You’ll notice that the command there is addressed specifically to fathers, but if we consider the entire context, which actually goes all the way back to the command to “be filled with the Holy Spirit” in chapter 5, verse 18, it is clear that Paul also intends that this command applies to mothers as well.
The command itself is broken down into two parts – a negative followed by a positive. Let’s look at the negative command first:
Fathers [and mothers], do not provoke your children to anger…
This negative command corresponds to the last part of our main theme this morning since it deals with disciplining children in a way that does not break their spirit. This was actually quite a radical command in Paul’s day. In both the Jewish and Roman culture fathers had absolute authority over their families, even over his married sons and their wives if they lived with him. So it was common for fathers to rule the family in a rigid, legalistic, domineering manner that could cause their children to resent them and be angry toward them. But as we’ll see this morning, that is not the only way parents can provoke their children to anger.
A few weeks ago, Loren called my attention to some research done on parenting styles by several child psychologists (Diana Baumrind, E.E. Maccoby and J.A. Martin) that I think can really help us here. They divided parenting styles into four categories based on two sets of criteria - whether parents are responsive or unresponsive and whether they are demanding or undemanding:
Demanding Undemanding
Responsive Authoritative Indulgent
Unresponsive Authoritarian Neglectful
Without going into too much detail, the difference between being responsive and unresponsive has to do with how involved the parents are in the lives of their children. In today’s culture, we might call them the responsive parents “helicopter parents” and the unresponsive parents “free-range parents.”
Similarly, the demanding vs. undemanding styles might better be understood if we use the terms “high expectations” and “low expectations”.
The research found that one of the four styles is the most effective and that the other three all have negative consequences for children because they provoke them to anger.
Let’s begin with the most effective style, which the researchers called authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits they set, and let children develop autonomy. Punishment for misbehavior is measured and consistent, which, as we’ll see in a moment, is consistent with Biblical principles.
The next style we’ll look at is the authoritarian style and it’s pretty easy to see why this style provokes our children to anger. This style is restrictive and punishment-heavy and parents make their children follow their directions with little or no feedback or instruction. Children raised under this parenting style tend to be conformist and highly obedient, but also tend to be quiet and often suffer from depression and self-blame. They often rebel in adolescence or young adulthood, and retreat into substance abuse and are at a heightened risk for suicide.
On the surface, the last two parenting styles don’t seem to be ones that would provoke children to anger, but they just do that in a different way.
Indulgent parenting, also known as permissive, non-directive or libertarian, is characterized by having few behavioral expectations for the child. Parents are nurturing and accepting, but don’t require their children to control themselves or behave appropriately. These are the parents who want to be their kid’s best friend. Children of indulgent parents tend to be more impulsive and as adolescents may engage more in misconduct such as drug abuse and heavy drinking.
Neglectful parenting, also called detached, dismissive or hands-off, is characterized by being low in both warmth and control. While they provide for the basic physical needs of their children, they are emotionally unsupportive. In general, these parents prioritize their lives over those of their children. Children raised under this parenting style tend to show patterns of truancy and delinquency and become emotionally withdrawn in social situations. Those with neglectful parents had the lowest levels of social development and school achievement and they had the highest rates of internalized distress and problem behaviors.
One of the reasons that I’m convinced that this command to not provoke our children to anger is directed to mothers as well as fathers is that this command is most likely to be followed in a home that has both a male father and a female mother present. As this video shows, children need the balance between men, who tend to take excessive risks, and be more demanding and women, who tend to be overly protective and more responsive.
[United Healthcare video]
Without a mother in the household to temper their risk-taking husbands, most kids would probably never live to the age of three and without a father in a household to temper the overly protective mothers our kids would probably all go around wrapped in bubble wrap and would never learn to take any risks. I think we’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the effects of a culture that has ignored God’s model for marriage and child-rearing and that has discounted the importance of having both a father and mother in the home.
Now I understand that either because of some bad decisions or because of uncontrollable circumstances, we have a lot of single parents in our culture and even here in our church. And my heart goes out to you, because you are at such a huge disadvantage. The good news is that many of you are doing a great job of raising your kids because you recognize your own inherent tendencies and weaknesses and, with God’s help, and often with the help of other family members and the church, you have taken steps to compensate for them.
Raising G-Rated kids requires discipline that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
So far we’ve spent a lot of time on the last part, the negative part of our main theme. Now let’s shift our focus to the positive part, the shaping of the will. We find guidance for that in the last part of verse 4:
…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Let’s begin with the verb – “bring them up”. The first thing we see it that it is a command, so it’s not merely a suggestion or an option. The verb itself means to “nourish up to maturity”. It is the same verb that Paul uses in chapter 5, verse 29, where it is usually translated “nourishes” and where it describes how a man takes care of his own body in the same way that Jesus cares for His body, the church. It is an emphatic verb that emphasizes a comprehensive approach that provides for physical, emotional and spiritual growth. And once again, as we’ve seen in previous weeks, it is a process that requires intentionality on the part of parents. It won’t just happen on its own.
There are two aspects of that process that Paul addresses here – discipline and instruction. While there is certainly some overlap, those two processes are different enough that I want to deal with them separately. And because they are so important, we’ll spend the rest of our time this morning focusing on discipline, and then next week, we’ll cover the instruction part of that command.
The Greek word for discipline that Paul uses is a broad term that describes everything parents do to train, correct, cultivate and educate children in order to help them to develop and mature. That kind of a shaping of a child’s will is far broader than just the idea of punishment, although, as we’ll see this morning, appropriate punishment is certainly an important element in that process.
I think the best way for us to understand the Biblical concept of discipline is to look at another passage that uses this same term multiple times:
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(Hebrews 12:5-11 ESV)
Here in this passage the author of Hebrews quotes Proverbs 3:11-12 to show that God’s discipline of His children – the shaping of their wills - should be the model for our discipline of our children. Before we look at the core elements of Godly discipline, let’s take a moment to explore…
THREE IMPORTANT TRUTHS ABOUT GODLY DISCIPLINE
1. Discipline is a demonstration of love
Look at verse 6 where the author quotes Proverbs 3:12: “the Lord disciplines the one he loves.” And then in verse 10 we see that God “disciplines us for our good”. In other words, God’s discipline in our lives is a manifestation of the fact that He loves us and wants what is best for us, even when we have no idea what that is.
The implication for us is quite clear here. Godly discipline must flow out of our love for our children and not out of frustration or anger. We should be disciplining our children because we understand that is what is in their best interest, even though they probably won’t understand that much of the time.
2. The purpose of discipline to develop holiness
Look at verse 10. There the author of Hebrews reveals that the purpose of God’s discipline in our life is “that we may share his holiness”. In a moment we’re going to talk about two different methods of discipline that God uses in our lives, but both have the same goal – to make us more like Jesus so that we might share in God’s holiness.
This may very well be the most important thing we need to remember about disciplining our children. We have only a relatively few years to shape the will of our children so that they will desire the holiness that comes only through faith in Jesus. One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is to focus only on outward behavior without also helping our children to understand the root problem of sin in their lives.
In His book, What the Bible Says About Parenting, Pastor John MacArthur writes these insightful words:
“Don’t just teach your children external self-control; train them to understand temptation and resist it. Don’t just teach them manners; teach them why pride is sinful and why greed, lust, selfishness, and covetousness dishonor God. Punish them for external offenses, but teach them that the root issue is always a deeper problem – corruption in their hearts. When you correct them, don’t do it merely to satisfy you as the offended, irritated, frustrated parent. That’s anger; its vengeance. But when you correct them, help them to see that it is first of all God who has been offended and that He offers reconciliation through Jesus Christ.”
There’s really not a whole lot that I can add to that.
3. Discipline is to consist of punitive and non-punitive measures
Many of the experiences that we go through in life are not a result of some sin in our lives. I’m always reminded of the account in John 9 where the disciples looked at the blind man and asked “Who sinned, this man or his parents? But Jesus made it clear that his blindness was not a result of any sin, but rather an opportunity for God’s glory to be shown.
In our lives, many of the hardships and difficulties that we go through are not some kind of punishment by God, but rather conditions that God is using in our life to develop our holiness.
On the other hand, as verse 6 reveals, sometimes God does have to discipline and chastise us because of some sin in our lives. That can take many different forms, everything from a word of rebuke from God’s Word or from sermon or from a friend to a more severe form of punishment like the one the disobedient Jonah faced when the Lord brought a storm that almost killed him.
Both kinds of discipline are required when it comes to our children as well. There are some non-punitive disciplines that we introduce into their lives that will help them to develop holiness. We might do things like have our kids participate in sports to learn about the importance of teamwork, or learn to play an instrument to teach them about perseverance or require them to do chores to impress upon them the value of hard work or give them an allowance so they can learn how to properly handle their finances.
At other times, we must engage in punitive discipline in which the severity of the discipline is tailored to the sin. I was originally going to go into that area in much more detail this morning, but I just couldn’t give it the time it deserves, so I’ll either cover it in one of the remaining two messages in this series or I might even extend this series for one more week if I need to.
What we’ve learned from this passage in Hebrews 12 really reinforces our main idea:
Raising G-Rated kids requires discipline that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
So far a lot of what we’ve discussed about shaping the will through discipline has been somewhat theoretical so I want close with some very practical application.
THREE “C’s” OF GODLY DISICIPLINE
As we go through each of these three principles, I’m going to do two things to help you really get a handle on them. First, I’m going to show you how God disciplines us like this. And then secondly, I’m going to go back to the mom that I talked about at the beginning of the message – the one who left the note for her kids to clean the kitchen – and show you how she used these principles so effectively.
1. Clear communication
For us, God has clearly communicated His expectation for us in many areas of our life right in His Word. And where there might be some gray areas there, He has given us His Holy Spirit to guide us. So we don’t ever have to wonder about whether we should murder or lie or steal or gossip because God has clearly communicated his expectations.
The mom also did that very well when she left the note for her kids. She gave clear instructions about what they were to do and how they were to let her know that the task had been finished. And she also let them know what they could expect from her as soon as they completed the assigned task. And as we pointed out earlier, because she clearly communicated her expectations on the front end, she didn’t have to yell, nag or keep checking up on her kids.
2. Compelling consequences
When God communicated His expectations by the giving of the law, He also set forth some compelling consequences. He promised the people that if they obeyed His commands they would receive blessings but that if they disobeyed they would be cursed. He established specific penalties for certain sins that were to be enforced within Israel. And then when the people rebelled God frequently had to send a prophet to remind the people about those consequences. And when the people refused to listen and change their behavior they got exactly what God promised.
As we develop compelling consequences for our kids, they can also be either positive or negative – blessings or curses. I really like what the mom did in developing a positive consequence, a blessing, for her kids’ obedience. I think that we could really learn from that. While it is certainly appropriate to have negative consequences for disobedience, perhaps we have a tendency to rely too heavily on those because it’s often easier to do that than to develop some more positive ones. We could all probably do a better job of catching our kids doing something right and rewarding them rather than trying to catch them doing something wrong so we can punish them.
3. Consistency
Certainly God is consistent with us, as individuals, as the church and as a nation. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Every single person who puts his or her faith in Jesus has the righteousness of Jesus imputed to them and they will reap the reward of spending eternity in the presence of God in intimate fellowship with Him. And for everyone who chooses not to do that, they will spend eternity separated from God in a place of everlasting torment.
And God has also demonstrated His consistency when it comes to entire nations as well. When they choose godly leaders and follow Him, they are blessed. And when they choose ungodly leaders and rebel against Him, they suffer and are often conquered by other nations. We certainly see that in Israel’s history.
I think we have some pretty good evidence that the mom we’ve been talking about was also consistent. The fact that she asked for a picture with a box of crackers on the counter to prove that the kids weren’t just sending her a picture from a prior time indicates this wasn’t the first time she had used this method. Perhaps this was even a daily practice,
There are a couple aspects of consistency that are important here. Frist, it is absolutely essential that the father and mother are on the same page. So that means that you have to talk to each other and decide ahead of time how you are going to handle discipline in your home. If you don’t, I can assure you that your children will learn to divide and conquer very quickly.
However, as we’ll talk about more next week, each of your kids is unique, so being consistent does not mean that you have to employ exactly the same practices with all of your kids. But you do need to be consistent with each child every time they engage in the same behavior. You can’t send them to time out or spank them one time and then just ignore the same behavior next time because you’re too busy or too tired. That kind of inconsistency is certainly one way to provoke your children to anger.
Raising G-Rated kids requires discipline that
shapes the will
without breaking the spirit
As we’ve seen this morning, that is not necessarily an easy thing to do. But the good news is that it is possible. And I can assure you, based on the Word of God that if you’ll apply the principles we’ve talked about this morning, you can successfully help your children to mature into the holy, mature disciples of Jesus that God intends for them to become.
I am going to ask all of us to make a practical application of this message in our lives this week.
First, if you are parents with young children in the home, I am going to ask that you set aside some time this week to discuss how you can apply what you’ve learned today in your home. This is a crucial step, especially when it comes to the third “C” of consistency. If you’re a single parent, perhaps you can do this with the other family members who also have responsibility for discipline in your family.
Second, if in that process, you discover that you need some help applying these principles in some particular situations, will you commit to asking for that help? You can either just do that on your own by contacting someone here in this church and taking advantage of their wisdom, or you can contact me or one of the elders and we’ll put you together with someone who can help you out.
Finally, for the rest of you who don’t still have kids of your own at home, will you commit to pray for these other families and ask God to guide them as they seek to put these principles into practice.
