Introduction
I want to thank Nick and Liz Corona for sharing their story with us. More than anything else, I want you to know that your past hurts do not have to control your future. If we believe anything about the Lord—we believe that he can give us hope for the future. And this includes becoming free from bitterness…like Nick and Liz experienced. Bitterness is a poison that can creep into any one of us…if we’re not careful.
About three years ago my mother-in-law passed away and we held her memorial service right here at Summit. Carolyn was loved by many and the service was a special experience. Her life was celebrated and God was honored. As far as any of us knew the events surrounding the memorial service went perfectly. As far as any of us knew the family was blessed and everyone went back home quite satisfied that Carolyn was honored in a beautiful and appropriate way.
But unfortunately something had happened that no one was aware of. And it didn’t come to light until several weeks ago. In late November Pam’s sister was in San Diego and decided to stop by and visit Carolyn’s last remaining brother. She had not seen her uncle since the memorial service. And since she was in the area she decided to stop in for a surprise visit. However, when Pam’s sister rang the doorbell, her uncle opened the door and when he saw who it was he said matter-of-factly, “You’re not welcome her.” And then he closed the door.
Pam’s sister, of course, was mortified and wondered what in the world was going on. So she called her cousin, explained what happened and then asked if she had any idea what might have caused such an unexpected reaction. That’s when Pam’s sister found out for the first time that apparently something happened at Carolyn’s memorial service three years ago that deeply offended her uncle…something that no one else knew about…but the offense took root in her uncle’s heart and provoked him to cut off all communication with the extended family. Yet what happened at his door in November was the first time anyone knew there was a problem.
But when Pam’s sisters talked about it, it dawned on them that this would explain why all their emails to their uncle had gone unanswered and why they no longer saw any of his posts on Facebook. The uncle never explained what he was doing…he just cut off all communication with no explanation.
Now, that kind of situation happens all too frequently among families and friends. And it usually can be traced back to a root of bitterness. Bitterness is like a cancer that can eat away at our soul. I’ve seen this happen with marriages. I’ve seen it happen with kids toward their parents. Once someone told me they had such deep bitterness toward their former employer, they would kill them if they had the chance. And I had no doubt they would do it if they could.
Bitterness is one of the soul poisons that prevent us from living a healthy life. This is the third week in our series called Soul Detox. Through this series we want to provide practical ways to rid ourselves of the toxins that poison our soul. Our goal is to help all of us to live with joy and abundance. My prayer has been that God would use this series so we can be freed from bondages that keep us from experiencing a full and robust life. Jesus says: “…I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John (10:10)
God wants us to live an extraordinary life! But to experience this we need to be set free from the bondages that keep us from living life to the fullest. And one of the most insidious soul poisons is bitterness. Ephesians 5:31 says, “Get rid of all bitterness…” God knows how destructive bitterness can be and that’s why he tells us to get rid of it.
Now, we find a clear illustration of bitterness in the OT book of Ruth. The book of Ruth tells about a woman named Naomi who moved from Israel to Moab with her husband and two sons. But her husband died and then over the next ten years both her sons also died. Then Naomi leaves Moab and returns to Israel. In Ruth 1:20 she says, “Don’t call me Naomi; call me Mara (which means bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full and the Lord has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the Lord testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?”
From this text we learn that Naomi was bitter toward God. She felt God had taken away her husband and both of her sons. Naomi blamed God for those things. If you read Ruth chapter 1 you can see that Naomi blames God for her bitterness five different times.
Now, some of us here may be bitter toward God, like Naomi. We think God has given us a raw deal and we’re chaffing in our soul. Others may be bitter toward another person; someone who’s done something or said something to wound us. In either case, bitterness is a poison that God wants removed from our lives.
But before we get rid of it, we need to know what bitterness is. Now, it’s fairly easy to see when other people are bitter. But it’s not so easy to see bitterness when it’s in us. Our capacity for self-deception is enormous. This is why I’m praying for us to be especially open today. I want us to be brutally honest with ourselves as we consider whether or not bitterness has taken root in our soul.
So what is bitterness? Well, let’s suppose that a Christian commits a sin. He tells a lie, for instance. Now when he tells the lie, does a Christian feel guilty or does he feel bitter? The answer is guilty. When we sin we feel guilty. That’s straightforward.
Now let’s suppose someone told a lie about this same Christian and spread it all over town. What does he feel now—guilt or bitterness? Of course, he feels bitter. Guilt is what we feel when we sin and bitterness is what we feel when others sin against us. By definition, bitterness points to the action of someone else. Bitterness is based on someone else’s action toward us—whether real or imagined.
Now, sometimes the action that causes bitterness never really happened. For example, someone can become bitter toward a person for something that was never said. As a result, they wait for an apology that never comes because the person never said what they think was said. Often bitter people can’t imagine the possibility that they’re bitter over imaginary sins!
So, bitterness is based on an action that relates to us. It’s not concerned, really, with how big the action is; it’s based on how close it is. For instance, when something bad happens in Syria, what do we feel? We might be angry but we don’t feel bitter even though what happened in Syria was terrible. You see, bitterness doesn’t depend on the magnitude of the action against us. It depends on how closely it affects us.
Because of this, bitterness often concerns people near to us: fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, bosses or co-workers…people close to us. We don’t get bitter about things outside of our immediate context. Bitterness is based on actions (whether real or imagined) that are close to us. It might be over something minor. It doesn’t have to be large. It just has to be close. For example, does your husband pick up his socks? No? Can you get bitter over that? Well, what if he leaves his socks on the floor 5,000 times? Do you see what I mean?
Now before we can get rid of bitterness we have to realize that we are bitter. So, how can we tell if we’re bitter? A good rule of thumb is that bitterness remembers details. You’ve had thousands of conversations in your life, most of which you’ve forgotten. But this one conversation took place years ago and you remember every single word. Well, that may be an indication that you’re bitter about whatever happened.
Someone might object and say it’s possible to have a good memory. It’s possible, but not likely. Why? Because memory is helped by review, review and more review. And people don’t usually mull over the good things as much as the bad. So, if you have a sharp detailed memory for things that happened years ago and that memory is about a painful experience, it may be an indication of bitterness.
Other symptoms of bitterness include things like……
• Pulling away and isolating yourself from someone in particular.
• Being jealous and unwilling to praise or affirm a particular person.
• Being critical and judgmental and focusing unduly on the person’s faults. This is often accompanied by a sharp tongue and a desire to put the person down.
Now, one reason most people don’t deal with bitterness is because they think it’s the other person’s fault. They say, “Well, when he quits lying, or quits doing this or that, or when he says he’s sorry, then I’ll forgive him and feel better.” But suppose he doesn’t quit? Suppose he never quits or never says he’s sorry? Are you going to be bitter the rest of your life because of someone else’s behavior? That doesn’t make any sense! Listen: Getting rid of bitterness has nothing to do with what the offending person may or may not do!
The bitter person decides to be bitter independently of the offender. I’ve know many situations where an apology was offered and the offended person was still bitter. Suppose the offender is dead and can’t apologize. I know people who are bitter toward their parents who died years ago! The bitterness didn’t die with their parents because bitterness is the sin of the bitter person alone.
I heard about a pastor who was ministering in a prison in Washington. One of the prisoners asked a question. “How can you get rid of bitterness towards somebody who brutally beat up your three year old son?” As the conversation unfolded, the prisoner confessed that he had killed the man for what he had done to his son. That’s why he was in prison. Even though he killed the man he was still bitter! My point is this: Our bitterness has nothing to do with what the other person may or may not do. We choose bitterness. It’s our sin and ours alone.
Now, bitter roots often develop when we’re young. Perhaps we’ve experienced some painful form of abuse or trauma or neglect. These experiences are like poison-tipped arrows that pierce us deeply in our souls. These wounds create emotional responses in us such as pain, resentment, insecurity, aloneness and anger. And these wounds have come at a time in our life when, as children, we don’t have the emotional or spiritual maturity to deal with them.
Thus, because of our fallen nature, we usually choose a sinful response to the wounding. For example, we dishonor our parents by judging them. Or we harden our hearts and become callous. Or we become bitter. .Now you may think that you’re justified to be bitter. After all maybe someone did do something really terrible to you. But remember Ephesians 5:31 says to “Get rid of all bitterness…”
Bitterness is never God’s desire for us. Another passage that speaks about this is Hebrews 12:15. “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
This text describes bitterness as a root. A root is underground and can’t be seen. But the fact that you can’t see roots doesn’t mean they don’t affect us. To the contrary, the fruit that’s born in our lives is directly related to our roots. The roots of an apple tree always produce apples. In the same way, if there’s a root of bitterness in our lives, it will always produce bitter fruit.
And the bitter fruit can affect all kinds of people. Hebrews 12:15 warns us that a bitter root can “cause trouble and defile many.” I know entire families that have been poisoned by the bitterness of one person in the family. I’ve seen this happen in churches, on sports teams and in work environments.
Listen carefully: Any wound not properly cared for will not heal properly. I’ve already mentioned that many of the roots of bitterness people deal with begin in childhood. Children don’t have the equipment to deal with these wounds properly, so there are many hurting children walking around in grown-up bodies with wounds that have been ignored or forgotten. But suppressing it, numbing it, or forgetting it is not healing. Those buried wounds still have power as they fester, hurt and cause distress. And the wounds can still be with us even after we give our lives to Christ.
Sometimes we’re told that we’re “under the blood,” which can be religious blather for “just stuff it.” Sometimes people quote scripture like “forgetting those things which are past” which may sound good. But Paul isn’t referring to denial in Philippians 3:13.
True forgetting can only come as a result of healing. Only healing nullifies the power of old hurts in our lives. Jesus does not teach pretense. And we can’t pretend to be healed when we’re not! Jesus came to give us an abundant life! He didn’t call us into a huge game of pretending; Jesus came to heal us and set us free!
So, let me suggest some practical steps we can all take that will move us toward genuine healing and getting rid of bitterness:
1. Unearth the sources of our bitterness.
In other words, we need to dig up the root that’s the source of our bitterness. Buried emotions and hurts have a life of their own. They become the roots for many of our adult reactions. We need to unearth these things by admitting them and naming them by name. Satan thrives on darkness. As long as we keep things hidden in the darkness we give Satan a foothold in our lives. But once we bring things into the light, the darkness has to flee.
Now, doing this may be painful. Last Sunday evening I said some hurtful things to Pam that revealed that I had allowed a root of bitterness to take hold in my life regarding something in our family. It was hard for me to admit it, but once I realized the bitterness was there I could begin taking steps to healing and wholeness in my life.
Now, we may need some people to help us in this process. This is where Christian counseling can be beneficial. Galatians 6:2 says “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” As you uproot the sources of bitterness buried in your heart it may be helpful to share these with another mature Christ-follower. There have been many times in my life when I’ve been blessed to have others carry my burdens with me. So, the first step to get rid of bitterness is to unearth the source.
Once again, I hope we can be brutally honest with ourselves. The human capacity to deceive ourselves is endless. But we can’t move toward freedom until we first unearth the sources of our bitterness.
2. Identify our sinful responses.
Romans 6:23 says “The wages of sin is death…” This death is not just in the eternal sense…the principle also applies to the here and now. Sin leads to death. Sin cannot produce life. Because of this, we need to deal with the sinful ways that we’ve responded to the hurts that we’ve received. Remember: our bitterness is our choice. The negative ways we’ve responded to the things people have said or done against us is our sin.
These inappropriate responses include things like bitterness, judging, dishonoring, un-forgiveness and resentment. As long as we respond in these ways we won’t be able to learn whatever lessons God may have for us in the process. And for healing to take place we have to call these responses what they are: sin.
And sin always leads to death. So if we want to experience life in the fullest sense, we need to call these things what they are: sin. Thus, the second step toward getting rid of bitterness is to identify our sinful responses.
3. Repent from these inappropriate responses.
Many of us have developed these inappropriate responses for years. They’ve become habits ingrained in our lives; things like hardened hearts, protective walls, running away, anesthetizing, self-protection, defensiveness and anger.
Once we realize what the root of our bitterness is and once we identify the sinful ways we have been responding to these hurts, then we need to repent from these responses. Now, this will be a process. The change won’t happen overnight. But Jesus will come to us throughout this process. The more we turn away from inappropriate responses and the more we press into Jesus to deal with these things the easier it becomes.
This process of transformation is outlined in 2 Corinthians 3:18. “And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” Notice the three steps that are spelled out:
1. We take off our masks. The text calls us to have “unveiled faces.” In the context of our discussion today this means naming the sources of bitterness in our lives and identifying the sinful responses we’ve developed. We take off our masks.
2. We contemplate the Lord. The text then says to “contemplate the Lord’s glory.” This means taking our eyes off ourselves and our hurt and focusing on God and what he wants. The root idea in repentance is to turn around and move in the opposite direction. So to repent from the inappropriate ways we have responded means turning around and moving in another direction. Thus, we take our eyes off ourselves and our bitterness and focus on the Lord. We contemplate his glory. We focus on his love, his grace, his power.
3. We are changed step by step. As we shift the focus from ourselves to God, as we repent from inappropriate habits and response patterns and begin to embrace new and more-healthy behaviors, we are “transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory.” This comes step by step. One decision at a time. One victory at a time until it becomes our new way of life.
Finally, after we’ve unearthed the sources of bitterness and after we’ve identified the sinful ways that we’ve responded to the things that have hurt us and after we’ve repented from these responses and turned to God for his help, then we need to…
4. Establish new God-honoring responses.
This means we need to exchange the old thoughts of bitterness with a renewed mind. We see this in Romans 12:2. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…” In a sense, we re-program our mind so that we stop reacting with bitterness and, instead, we begin responding with God’s love and grace.
Galatians 5:16 says “…walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” The discipline of walking by the Spirit is living every waking moment with a conscious awareness of God’s loving presence. And, because we’re aware of his presence, we humbly submit ourselves to his rule in our lives. When we do that, when we walk by the Spirit, God’s word says “we will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” This is another way to say that we’ll live in freedom without bitterness.
Now, once again, this won’t be easy. It won’t happen overnight. The truth is some of us may need Christian counseling or Celebrate Recovery to help fully recover. But by the grace of God we can all become free from bitterness! This is God’s will for all of us! And getting rid of all bitterness is one of the most helpful steps we can take toward experiencing the more and better life that Jesus offers.
Conclusion
Now, I’d like you to make two fists. Squeeze your fists as hard as you can. Tighter. Tighter. Don’t let go until I tell you to. Just hold it there for a while. Are you getting tired? Hold it. Hold it. Just a little tighter. Okay, now let go.
First, did you notice the pain in your fingers when you finally let go? The fists were causing you pain but it also hurt to stop making the fists. In a similar way, when we carry bitterness, the bitterness squeezes us to death, but the longer we carry the bitterness we also discover that it’s more and more painful to let go of it.
Second, some of you may have noticed numbness from the blood not circulating well through your fingers. In a similar way, carrying bitterness can produce insensitivity toward the person you are bitter about and also an insensitivity toward God. That’s one reason that God says so clearly: “Get rid of all bitterness…”
