WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? (Part five)
INTRODUCTION: Last week I shared about what love had to do with overcoming fear. We looked at 1st John 4:18 that states perfect love drives out fear. Today my focus will be on what love has to do with overcoming unforgiveness. Let’s face it-we have all struggled with this one in some way shape or form. Getting over being hurt by someone can be very difficult. It’s a lot easier to harbor bitterness than it is to forgive. It’s not easier on us; just easier for us. What’s easier on us, believe it or not, is being able to forgive. And that’s going to take love.
What’s love got to do with overcoming unforgiveness?
1) Love's got it covered.
1st Pet. 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
“Above all”. First and foremost; on top of everything else. Peter implies that what follows is of utmost importance; which it is because what follows is love. Peter is saying, ‘above all else-love”. That’s the theme we’ve been seeing. In 1st cor. 13 Paul talked about being able to do some wonderful things but if love wasn’t there it means nothing. In Colossians 3 you will see a list of virtues for the follower of Christ and in verse 14 it says, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Love is the basis and the glue for all other godly virtues.
“Love each other deeply”. This is also translated, ‘fervently’ and ‘intensely’. This is important because our unforgiveness for someone can be pretty intense so in order to forgive our love needs to be intense; more intense than our bitterness. “Covers over a multitude of sins”. What does that mean? It doesn’t mean gloss over, as if it’s no big deal. However, with that said, it does carry a connotation of letting certain things roll off. Not making mountains out of molehills and picking your battles. Sometimes the reasons for our unforgiveness are so trivial.
Peter wants us to love one another deeply because the deeper the love the deeper the forgiveness. The stronger I love you the stronger I’ll fight to work through the offense and put it behind me. Why? Because when I have deep love for you I’ll cherish the relationship more and therefore work harder at not allowing anything to jeopardize it.
But therein lies the rub. Because when someone you love sins against you it hurts that much more. And therefore we’re more susceptible to harbor bitterness and even hatred. The irony is that I could more easily dismiss an offense by a stranger because they don’t mean as much to me. But when it’s someone I love it hurts more deeply.
This is true but it’s that love you have for them that will be the basis for your ability to forgive them. Because deep down your love for them prompts you to want to resolve it. In the moment your pain doesn’t allow yourself to but deep down you want it to be resolved. And when you allow love to override your pain you are in the position to forgive.
Prov. 10:12, “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” When hurt breeds bitterness and hatred then I will find myself stirring up and feeding conflict. And, as a typical fire gets bigger and hotter the more wood and gasoline I put on it, so it is with conflict; it’s fueled and kept burning by hatred. However, love destroys conflict; it puts out the fire. When a wrong is committed against me it has the opportunity to produce things like anger, bitterness, hatred and vengefulness.
But these are the fires that love will put out. When you cover a fire you smother it; you deprive it of oxygen. Hatred and unforgiveness are the same-these fires need to be covered (smothered) so that they die out. And when love puts the fire out it shouldn’t be rekindled.
Prov. 17:9, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
When love is at work, the offense is dealt with and I’ve moved on. However, when bitterness remains I’m going to bring it up again. And when I repeat the matter to you or I repeat it to someone else I run the risk of separating close friends; whether those close friends are me and you or someone else and you. Either way, when this happens, love has not been promoted. When love is promoted I’m seeking to be a peacemaker not a troublemaker. If the matter dies with me then I will have done well. If I keep it alive I stir-up strife.
1st Cor. 13: 5 says that love keeps no record of wrongs. I need to understand that when I’m holding something against you I’m not loving you. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you at all, but if I’m keeping a record of how you’ve wronged me, I’m not being ruled by love. This doesn’t mean love ignores all wrong. When there’s sin it should be dealt with-but dealt with the right way-with love.
But maybe I’m keeping a record of the wrong because it hasn’t been dealt with or because the person who did the wrong hasn’t asked me to forgive them. Aren’t I justified when it hasn’t been resolved? Justified? No. I’m not saying it would be easy to deal with but as I said earlier-it may not be easy for me to forgive but it will be easier on me if I do.
Unforgiveness eats away at us; it tears us up. Bitterness, hatred, anger-how does any of this really benefit me? The person who committed the offense may never ask for forgiveness or be willing (or able) to confront and resolve the conflict, but that doesn’t mean it needs to rent space in your head. That doesn’t mean you need to allow it to remain unresolved as far as you’re concerned.
So, how can I resolve it within myself? One way, is to put Col. 3:13 into practice. Col. 3:13, “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have with one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
That’s the key-when I remember that I am a sinner saved by grace I can better extend grace to you. When I remember the Lord’s forgiveness and where I’d be without it I can find it in my heart to forgive. “But they don’t deserve it”. And you do? I need to see that I don’t deserve God’s grace any more than you do.
If I am going to be able to bear with you and forgive you I’m going to need humility. And when I look at the next verse in Col. 3 I realize how important love is in being able to accomplish all this. 14, “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
As I mentioned earlier, love is the glue that holds all the virtues together and love is the basis for making it possible. I cannot bear with you and your issues unless I have love. I cannot forgive my grievance against you unless I am ruled by love. Everyone has issues; everyone has things about them that can irritate someone else. Some things are minor; some are major-but all can be handled with love. Being short, irritated, frustrated and easily angered with people is not a love response to them. We’ve all been there and probably will go there again.
But the key to putting out the fire of these negative reactions is to have loving responses like patience and tolerance. Love allows us to deal with difficult people. Love allows us to properly respond to situations. Love allows me to not overreact. Love enables me to remain calm. Love enables me to shut it down when it starts to get out of hand. Love's got it covered. What’s love’s got to do with it? Everything.
2) What about forgiving myself?
What about when the unforgiveness has to do with not forgiving myself? Sometimes the one who we’re holding unforgiveness toward is ourselves. We just can’t seem to move past the sins of the past and our deep regrets don’t allow us to forgive ourselves.
One of the reasons we don’t forgive ourselves is because someone else hasn’t. If I’ve wronged people and they can’t find it in their heart to forgive me then I don’t feel like I can be or should be forgiven. Or, if I’ve wronged someone and they’re either out of touch or passed away then I don’t feel I can make amends so therefore, I can’t be forgiven. What can we do?
In order to forgive ourselves we have to trust in God’s forgiveness. Embrace grace. 1st Tim. 1:12-17, “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.”
Paul had plenty of things to regret from his old life. He persecuted, imprisoned and took part in the killing of Christians. Now here he was one of them. Talk about having regrets. This could very well have been the thorn in his flesh; the messenger of Satan sent to torment him in 2nd Cor. 12. Paul pleaded with Jesus to take it away but Jesus’ said that his grace was sufficient for him. His grace was all Paul needed to take away the guilt and shame. Jesus wanted Paul to give his regrets over to him. Jesus wanted Paul to know that the grace that saved him, the grace that forgave him, wiped the slate clean so forget about it.
Don’t allow the past to claim your thoughts any longer. Paul was able to grasp and understand that God’s grace was enough for him to be able to move forward and leave his regrets behind. There’s a quote that goes, “Regret is unresolved guilt. Take care of the guilt - you take care of the regret.” Paul did that; he moved forward in the sufficient grace of Jesus and we can too.
The bible has plenty of godly people who had less than perfect resumes. Moses committed murder; David committed adultery and ordered a murder to try to cover it up and the list goes on. The point is that if God could not only forgive but use people like this why not you? God not only wants to forgive you, he wants to use you. You haven’t done anything he’s not willing to forgive. Why? Because he is love and because he is love, he is forgiveness. Can’t forgive yourself? You can when you accept God’s forgiveness. If he’s not counting it against you why are you? If he’s put it behind him you can too. He wants you to move forward; not backward.
3) Let's see the results.
The results of unforgiveness vs. forgiveness. The result of bitterness, hatred and unforgiveness is destruction. Gal. 5:14-15, “The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”
The Galatian church had been getting caught-up in religious disputes and the like and they produced quarreling and strife. It’s an interesting analogy that Paul uses to describe what they were doing to one another. When we are ruled by bitterness, anger, hatred, etc. we are devouring and destroying each other; we are destroying joy, peace, morale, etc. We are destroying our own spiritual life.
However, the outcome of love is the opposite. If we are ruled by love then we are promoting and cultivating forgiveness as well as all the other wonderful virtues of the Christian faith. And what results from forgiveness can be pretty amazing.
During the Korean War, a South Korean Christian, a civilian, was arrested by the communists and ordered shot. But when the young Communist leader learned that the prisoner was in charge of an orphanage caring for small children he decided to spare him. Nice guy, huh? Not so fast. He decided to have his 19 year old son killed instead. He had the boy shot in the presence of his father.
Later, as the fortunes of the war shifted, the young Communist leader was captured by the United Nations forces. He was tried and condemned to face death. But before the sentence could be carried out the Christian father whose boy had been killed pleaded for the life of the killer. He declared that he was young and that he didn’t really know what he was doing. “Give him to me,” said the father, “and I’ll train him”. The United Nations forces granted his request and the father took the murderer of his boy into his own home and cared for him.
What a remarkable example of forgiveness. Why would someone do that? The story doesn’t say but I think it probably had to do with the fact that the Christian father knew that if the sentence was carried out this man was not only going to physically die but he was no doubt going to spiritually die and be lost forever. And his love for this this man’s soul covered the offense of the murder of his son. He knew that this man’s death was not going to bring his son back. Did he deserve to die? Yes. But did he also deserve the chance to be shown true Christian love and have the chance to experience salvation? Yes.
What happened as a result? The young Communist leader not only became a Christian he also became a Pastor. The one who had once been in the business of taking lives was now in the business of saving them. That’s the kind of turn around that can happen when forgiveness happens; when love rules. That’s the turn around that happened with the Apostle Paul, it happened with this Communist leader and who knows who’s next. What’s the result of forgiveness? Salvation and restoration; glorifying God and kingdom work getting done. What’s love got to do with all that? Everything.
