Overcoming Loneliness
Matthew 26:26-44
Columnist Marla Paul reluctantly admitted in an article she wrote that she was lonely. “The loneliness saddens me. How did it happen that I could be 42 years old and not have enough friends?” She ended her column with these words: “I think there are women out there who don’t know how lonely they are. It is easy enough to fill up the day with work and family. But no matter how much I enjoy my job and love my husband and child, they are not enough. I recently read Han Christian Anderson’s book, “The Ugly Duckling.” I felt an immediately kinship with this bird who flies from place to place looking for creatures with whom he belongs. He eventually finds them. I hope I do too.” After the column was published, the telephone started to ring. People stopped her on the street and at her daughter’s school. Letters poured in from housewives, executives and university professors. The column generated 7 times more mail than usual. Marla said, “They wanted to share their frustration and estrangement. All were tremendously relieved to discover that they weren’t the only ones.” The Gallop poll says that loneliness affects more than 1/3 of the population and psychologists say that figure is rising. At a recent Christian Conference, a poll found that 92% of all participants struggled with loneliness.
And yet we struggle with loneliness in silence. Lee Strobel writes, “People today will admit any problem –drugs, divorce, alcoholism- but there’s one admission that all people are loath to make, whether they are a star on television or someone who fixes televisions in a repair shop. It’s just too embarrassing. It penetrates too deeply to the core of who they are. People don't want to admit that they are sometimes lonely. Loneliness is such a humiliating malady that it ought to have its own politically correct euphemism” relationally challenged. Or its own telethon. Anything to make it safer to confess. Because right now, it’s taboo, an affliction of losers and misfits. And to be honest, of respectable people like you and me.” Listen to our music and you hear the lonely voices:
- Carole King : Winter, spring, summer or fall, all youn ahev to do it call and I’ll be there
- Paul McCarthy: All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?
- Elvis Presley: Just take a little walk down lonely street to heartbreak hotel
- James Taylor: Do me wrong, do me right, Tells me lies but hold me tight. Save your goodbyes for the morning light but don't let me be lonely tonight
- Bonnie Rait: What can I do to get you back? I’m feeling desperate and lonely
Henri Nouwen in his book, “Reaching Out” said these words: “Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Psychiatrists and clinical psychologists speak about it as the most frequently expressed complaint and the root of not only an increasing number of suicides but also of alcoholism, drug abuse and other major physical and psychological problems.” And it can have devastating effects. The perpetrators of the Columbine High School tragedy, Eric Harris and Dylan Kleighbolt, wrote in his diary: “I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. You people had my phone number and I asked but no, no, no, no, don't let the weird Eric kid come along.” Jesus knew loneliness too as all of the disciples left him and ran away. What an experience to have those you love the most leave you when you need them most.
There’s a reason we feel this way and it’s because you and I were made for relationship. God created us for community and we have that need deeply wired within us. “For God said, “It is not good for man to be alone…” Gen 2:18 We each have a built in need for deep, satisfying relationships. Paradoxically, we deny the way we wired and often run away from that legitimate need, thinking that it makes us weak and even vulnerable. There are many causes of loneliness. The first is the kind we create for ourselves because we have intentionally or unintentionally isolated ourselves through either negative attitudes or actions, critical spirits or cynicism. Second is loneliness beyond our control like through a divorce or death of a friend or loved one. Third is psychological loneliness which often afflicts those in leadership positions. One Biblical example is Elijah and the meltdown he had after Mt. Carmel because he felt all aloe as a dedicated follower of God. Fourth is cultural loneliness where our technology, while making us more connected than ever, at the same time more distant from each other and true emotional connections. Fifth is the loneliness we choose because of a decision that needs to be made or a path that we need to walk. There are times in life when you have to take a stand that others will not understand and may even disagree with. That’s the loneliness Jesus felt on the way to the cross. When he resolutely set his face toward Jerusalem, he knew it was a journey he would take on his own and even those closest to him didn’t understand and tried to talk him out of it.
Loneliness is no respecter of persons. Every one has experienced loneliness including great persons and lowly persons, the rich and the poor, the educated and the uneducated. If you’re lonely or have struggled with loneliness in the past, you are not alone. Some of the greatest people who have ever lived have experienced loneliness. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to remain lonely. It can actually be a catalyst for change and growth. Dr. Oliver Robinson, from the University of Greenwich in London, found that feelings of insecurity and loneliness can cause us to make the effort to change…(and) these feelings of loneliness are indeed good for you.” Film Critic Roger Ebert writes, “What do lonely people desire? Companionship. Love. Recognition. Entertainment. Camaraderie. Distraction. Encouragement. Change. Feedback.” But these things just don’t come to you. You have to work for them.
How can you overcome your loneliness? Two things. First, pursue a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. God wants to have a close, personal relationship with you. The entire story of Scripture is God reaching out to his children to have a relationship with them. Jesus said, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Rev. 3:20 There is only one relationship which truly satisfies. All other relationships will come up short of what you expect from them. But if you put your hand in God’s, He will not only never fail you or leave you, He will never foresake you. But that type of relationship takes time and you have to invest the energy to develop that type of relationship. Jesus knew loneliness as most of his friends and followers abandoned him at the cross. Because of that, God know your feelings of loneliness and don't you think he will seek to satisfy that need in your life? He was the one who put that need in you when He created you. God knows your loneliness and is willing to meet that need in your life. So come to him, share in that wound and help with healing. For just as God was there with Jesus on the cross, so too he will be there for you.
The second solution for loneliness is to focus your attention and energy on other people. If you want to get through loneliness, you’ve got to pour your life in others instead of waiting for someone to fill that emptiness in yours. I remember when I was growing up, I had a next door neighbor named Tim who was three years older than me and just starting high school. He was feeling lonely and his Dad made a statement I will always remember: to have a friend, you first have to be a friend. Dale Carnegie put it this way: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in them than you can in two years by trying to get them interested in you.” There’s only one way to combat loneliness and that is to proactively establish solid friendships. It won’t just happen. Anyone can have an unlimited number of superficial relationships but enduring relationships require a lot more work.
There are five ingredients for enduring relationships. First is affinity. You have to have something in common. There has to be something you just like about the other person. Certainly you’ve met people with whom you just hit it off with. That’s affinity. David experienced that with Jonathan as there was an immediate bond between them and they became the best of friends. Affinity is the beginning of building a deep and lasting relationship. People who hold similar values, beliefs or interests are those you’ll be more likely to bond with for life. Amos 3:3 says, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”
Second is acceptance. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times…” Can you remain a friend in the best and worst times? Can you love people, warts and all, or do you drop them like a hot potatoe when there’s disagreement or hurt? Deep relationships require that we accept the person no matter what and when there is fault, we actively seek their healing and restoration. This is especially true of followers of Christ in their relationships.
Third is authenticity. The key to true friendships is being real and honest about who you are and how you feel. Perhaps we can understand it better if we look at an inauthentic person. Bill Hybels tells the story of a newly promoted Colonel who had moved into a makeshift office during the Gulf War. He was getting unpacked when out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a Private with a tool box coming his way. Wanting to seem important, he grabbed the phone: “Yes General Shwartzkopf. Of course, I think that’s an excellent plan. You’ve got my support on it. Thanks for checking with me. Let’s touch base again soon, Norm. Goodbye.” As the Private entered his office, the Colonel asked, “What can I do for you?” And the Private said, “Uhhh, I’m just here to hook up your phone.” If we’re only about making good impressions and keeping up appearances, then we’ll never go deep in our relationships. Why do we put up fronts? Even Jesus, the Son of God, admitted to his closest friends when he was in need. The night before his crucifixion, Jesus told Peter, James ands John, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.” Matt. 26:37-38 To experience enduring relationships, we’ve got to be real with one another. So take a chance. James 5:16 challenges us to “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” When you do, you open the door not only to taking the relationship deeper but also to give them the opportunity to reciprocate. And in the process, you will both find healing for your soul.
Fourth is assistance. In November 1992, Donald DeGreve, age 65, suffered a fatal heart attack while playing golf in Winter Haven, FL. As his body lay on the 16th green covered with a sheet while course officials tried to contact his wife and the coroner, a steady stream of DeGreve’s friends passed from the 15th green the 17th tee to continue their golf game. Said one man, “Life goes on so we had to keep going.” How deep do you think those friendships were? Real friends put aside their own agenda and help where needed. Here’s the attitude you must adopt to build enduring relationships: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10 No man or woman is an island. We need each other’s assistance to be better. Be a friend who focuses on others and helps them when in need. “As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17.
Fifth is affirmation. 1 Thess. 5:11 says, “So encourage one another and build each other up…” To build enduring relationships, you must learn to affirm others. There’s enough criticism going around in the world so set yourself apart and be an encourager. Several weeks ago, we learned that it takes four positive comments to balance out one critical comment. It’s easy to tear someone down. Instead, become a builder of people. Ken Blanchard writes, “When my son Scott was a senior in high school, he used to cause problems by parking his truck in the driveway. Nobody could get in or out because his truck was big enough to go to war. I always told him to park it out on the street. One day, I came home to find he not only blocked the driveway with his truck but had left and taken the keys with him. I was furious. Three hours later, he showed up and I was waiting for him. I stormed out of the house and let him have it. I didn't leave him in doubt about what he had done wrong and how I felt about it. As I was walking back to the house, Scott raced after me and followed me into the kitchen. “Dad, you forgot the last part of the reprimand, you know, the part about ‘You’re a good kid, I love you and this is so unlike you.’ I cracked up laughing and we hugged each other. Scott never left his truck in the driveway again and I got better at reaffirming at the end of the reprimand.” And then he writes, “Tell the other person how much they mean to you. Let them know by your words and actions that they are cherished. Praise them for what they do well.”
The land of Persia was once ruled by a wise and beloved Shah who cared greatly for his people and desired only what was best for them. One day, he disguised himself as a poor man and went to visit the public baths. The water for the baths were heated by a furnace in the cellar so the Shah made his way to the dark place to sit with the man who tended the fire. The two men shared course food and the Shah befriended that man in his loneliness. Day after day, the Shah went to visit him. The man became attached to the stranger because “he came to where he was.” One day, the Shah revealed his true identity. He expected the man to ask him for a gift. Instead, he looked long into the Shah’s face and with love and wonder said, “You left your palace and your glory to sit with me in this dark place, eat my course food and care about what happens to me. On others you may bestow rich gifts but to me, you have given yourself!” Amen.
