Overcoming Criticism
Ephesians 4:25-32
There’s the story of a man who was taking a journey with his grandson by donkey. He had only had 1 donkey and the road took him through 5 villages to get home. He put the boy on the donkey and walked alongside. The first village criticized, saying, “Look at that healthy young boy, making that old man walk.” He couldn’t take the criticism, so he switched places with the boy. The second village criticized, “look at that…a healthy, grown man making a little boy walk.” He couldn’t take it, so they both got on the donkey. The third village said, “that’s animal abuse having two of them on that one little donkey” So, they both started walking. The fourth village said, “can you believe it, two people walking when they have a perfectly good donkey…you’d think one of them would have sense enough to get on and ride!” He had had enough, so guess what he did. He came to 5th village, and what did the people see? The boy was walking, the man was walking, and they were carrying the donkey!
The criticial spirit seems to be something that is easy for people to have. We all know how painful it can be when someone comes up to you and says, “Can I be perfectly honest with you?” Or “I don't want to be critical but…” Remember the saying you learned as a kid, “Sticks and stone can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” That’s a lie. Words hurt. They bruise much deeper than sticks and stones and can take much longer to heal. And they can influence what we do and how we live. The Psalmist knew what criticism could do to a person and its piercing power when he said, “Hide me from the wicked who wet their tongues like a sword and bend their bows to shoot their arrows full of bitter words.” Psalm 64:2
We all know we cannot hide from criticism. It’s a fact of life. I love what Aristotle said, “Criticism is something you can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing.” Criticism is difficult for everyone to handle. It’s sometimes needed but never wanted. So the question isn’t “Will I be criticized?” but rather “How can I handle criticism constructively?” The way we handle criticism is a clue to where we are spiritually. The way in which we hear people tells us a great deal about our spiritual maturity. More than that, the way in which we receive constructive feedback is a measure of how Christ is growing in us.
Paul spoke to the church at Ephesus about handling criticism effectively. First, understand the difference between constructive feedback and destructive criticism. Let’s acknowledge that not all feedback is constructive or helpful. How do you know the difference between constructive feedback and destructive criticism? Ask four questions. First, how was it given? Did they give the benefit of the doubt or were they judgmental? Have they already formed an opinion before they came? Were they really seeking honest answers and information or had they already come to a conclusion? Were the words said in anger or contempt or were they said in love? Ephesians 4:15 says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” Second, when was it given? Was it in public or private? Was it given out of anger or after a time when moods and emotions had died down?
Third, why was it given? Was it for your benefit or theirs? What was their agenda? The Message Translation says, “Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you do not agree with – even when it seems they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.” Romans 14:1,10 David Simmons, a former cornerback for the Dallas Cowboys, tells about his childhood. His father, a military man, was extremely demanding, rarely saying a kind word, and always pushing him with harsh criticism to do better. When Dave was a little boy, his dad gave him a bicycle, unassembled, with the command that he put it together. After Dave struggled to the point of tears with difficult instructions and many parts, his father said, “I knew you couldn’t do it!” Then he assembled it for him. When Dave played football in high school, his father was unrelenting in his criticisms. In the backyard of his home, after every game, his dad would go over every play and point out Dave’s errors. “Most boys got butterflies in the stomach before the game. I got them afterwards. Facing my father was more stressful than facing any opposing team.” By the time he entered college, Dave hated his father and harsh discipline. He chose to play football at the University of Georgia because its campus was further from home than any other school that offered him a scholarship. After college, he was a second round draft pick of the St. Louis Cardinals. Joe Namath, who later signed with the Jets, was the club’s first round pick that year. Excited, he called his father to tell him the good news. His response was, “How does it feel to be second?” Despite all of this, Dave began to build a bridge with his dad because he became a follower of Christ. During visits home, he started conversations with him and listened with interest to what his father had to say. In those conversations, he learned for the first time that his grandfather had been a tough lumberjack with a quick temper and who once destroyed a truck with a sledgehammer when it wouldn’t start. He often beat his son. This insight affected Dave dramatically. “Knowing about my father’s upbringing not only made me more sympathetic for him, but it helped me see that, under the circumstances, he might have done worse…” Try to understand the motives or catalysts behind those giving critics.
Fourth, who gave it? Some people are natural critics. The way some people find fault, you’d think they get paid for it. But there’s a flip side. The Bible also teaches us constructive feedback can come from God through others and that it is a discipline designed and given out of God’s love to grow us. When we receive correction and it rings true or feels like truth, then we must consider whether it comes from God and is an expression of God’s disciplining love. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, “My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or lose heart when you are punished by him. For the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and chastises every child whom he accepts.” When constructive feedback is on target, when the truth is being told, even when it hurts, we can hear the voice of God and experience His love. His discipline is designed to grow us because even more than our earthly parents, He wants to grow us to maturity
Second, watch your attitude toward the critic. The attitude you have toward the critic is much more important than the criticism directed to you. You know the old saying, “a chip on the shoulder indicates wood higher up.” 1 Peter 2:21-23 “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” Jesus did no wrong but was criticized, reviled and punished. And yet, he held his tongue and entrusted it all to God. How you handle tough moments can determine important outcomes. Dr. Paul Mitchel writes about someone in his congregation who pointed out several faults in him and his preaching. Instead of retaliating or trying to defend himself, he looked at the woman and said, “If what you say is true, would you mind praying for me?”
Third, take the high road. Don’t get pulled down by the tactics critics use. Mike Kai is the pastor of Inspire Church in Hawaii. He tells the story of his church’s path toward growth. They had grown the church to 500 in worship and were transitioning from meeting in an elementary school cafeteria to a much larger, more expensive shopping center. That meant church expansion, fundraising, building renovation and all the meetings and stresses that come growth. They had a very close staff but Mike’s responsibilities were changing. He was no longer able to show up at every celebration, potluck or church event. As a result, his priorities were changing because he knew what he had done in the past would not lead to growth in the future. Some of the staff got upset about the changes. For months, unbeknownst to him, three staff were complaining to each other about him. They would go on regular night driving trips, a big thing in Hawaii, and not invite him because they were talking about him. He was completely oblivious to what was happening until slowly he started to notice a change in their demeanor. They were a little bit colder and a little more distant. After hiring an Executive Pastor, he noticed the reaction of those three staff and pulled one aside to ask him about it. That was the start of things coming to light. He soon learned that one of the staff, the person he trusted the most, was the ringleader and had been doing many, many things to undermine his leadership. Due to conflicting travel schedules, he wasn’t able to sit down and talk with him. Mike went to a conference out of the country but it became a trip which was filled with tears, pain, stress and sleepless nights. He finally resolved to let the staff person go upon his return when his wife asked him, “Have you done everything you can to salvage him before you fire him?” He hated that question but realized there was more he could do. When he returned, he met with the staff member, talked through the issue at great length and then offered two months for him to get on board. Within a few days, he was heard saying, “I’m outa here and going back to the mainland.” Mike met with him along with several leaders and released him. By God’s grace and a lot of conversation, he was able to save the relationship with the other two members. Having someone so close to him betray him made for one of the hardest times of his ministry but he learned to avoid acting too quickly and always to seek God’s best. And then he writes, “The high road is often the road less travelled, but it becomes the pavement of God’s grace and growth in our lives.”
Fourth, check with others. Don't take the criticism at face value. Instead, check it with others to ask if they see that criticism in you. Pete Scazzaro tells the story of Gordon McDonald receiving a very painful rebuke from a well known Christian leader. He was driving him to the airport when he said, “Gordon, I sense a root of bitterness in you.” Gordon kept driving but his body tightened. He remembered his father was a bitter person and he had worked hard throughout his life not to be like him. This leader’s comment cut deeply into his heart and silence marked the rest of their car ride. He went home to think about it. Then he gather three of his friends and told them what the man had said. They met with Gordon several times over the next month and reviewed all the times they had been with him. Finally, one of the friends said, “We have not seen any bitterness in you.” Gordon said, “I thank God for those trusted friends. Otherwise, I would have assumed this man was right, when he wasn’t and spent more nights wrestling with something that was not my issue.” And Pete Scazzaro writes, “Getting input from different parts of the body of Christ will keep us in the safety zone of a broad, balanced perspective.”
Fifth, wait for time to prove you’re right. There are periods when we come under attack and only time will prove us right. Many times, let the critics shoot, love them and then allow time to prove what you said or did was right. After the Gettysburg Address, a Chicago Times reporter wrote, “the cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the (His) silly, flat and dish watery utterances…” In the end, we remember Lincoln but not the man who wrote that. Sometimes, we just have to put it in God’s hands and let time reveal the truth.
Sixth, and this may be the hardest of all, see it as a blessing. If there’s truth in it, learn from it. But what if it’s untrue? First, remember that God can take all things and bring good out of them for “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” Romans 8:28 In his book, “Leadership Pain: God’s Classroom for Growth,” Sam Chand writes, “Pain isn’t the enemy. The inability or unwillingness to face pain is a far greater danger.” He then tells the story of Dr. Paul Brand who was treating a four year old named Tanya at the national leprocy hospital in Carville, LA. As he examined her dislocated ankle, he noticed she appeared bored and felt no pain at all. She was diagnosed with congenital indifference to pain, a condition similar to leprosy. Years later, he learned that Tanya had lost both legs to amputation and most of her fingers. Her elbows were constantly dislocated and she suffered sepsis from ulcers. She chewed her tongue so badly that it was swollen and lacerated. Her father had abandoned the family calling Tanya a monster. Dr. Band writes, “Tanya is no monster, only an extreme example – a human metaphor really, of life without pain.” One night after a flight to London, Dr. Brand went to his hotel room and began to undress. When he took off his shoes, he realized he had no sensation in his foot. The numbness terrified him. He stuck a pin in the skin below his ankle and there was no pain. He pushed it deeper into his flesh until blood appeared and still no pain. All night, he tossed and turned wondering if he had caught leprosy. How would it affect his personal life? Would he have to leave his personal family and live in a colony? The next morning when he awakened, he picked up a pin and stuck it into his ankle. This time, he yelled because it really hurt!
From that day forward, whenever he felt discomfort from a cut or anything else, he responded with genuine gratitude, “Thank God for pain!” And then Samuel Chand writes, “Paradoxically, Christians often have more difficulty handling personal pain than unbelievers. They look at the promises of God and conclude that God should fill their lives with joy, love, support and success. That’s reading the Bible selectively. The Scriptures state – clearly and often – that enduring pain is one of the ways, perhaps the main way, God works his grace deeply into our lives.” People strive for happiness in their lives but are formed through suffering and often at the hands of criticism. Even if the criticism is untrue, ask: God what are you trying to accomplish by this in my life? So our response to pain shouldn’t be to avoid it but to embrace it by trying to redeem something bad by turning it into something sacred. For in all things works God for good. Embracing the pain of criticism is never easy or painless, but it is the path to holiness and a means by which God’s purposes can be fulfilled in us. Amen and Amen.
