Philemon
Restoring Relationships
I’d like to take a little survey this morning: Who here has never had a relationship challenge? Ah ha, I thought so. Today’s subject “Restoring Relationships,” is for all of us. As we seek to live a Christian life, does our faith have any impact on our relationships? It should, and that’s the story behind today’s tiny little book named, “Philemon.”
This book is named after a wealthy businessman from Colossae who responded to Paul’s preaching in Ephesus and trusted his life to Christ. Later Philemon hosted a church back in his home in Colossae. This is likely the same church to whom Paul wrote the letter we call “Colossians.” In fact, these two letters probably traveled together, one for a person—Philemon—and the other for the church in Colossae.
Philemon, like many wealthy people of his time, owned slaves. In fact, some historians believe that nearly half the Roman Empire was enslaved during Jesus’ time, mostly because of debt problems or theft. One of Philemon’s slaves was named “Onesimus,” which means “useful” in Greek. We don’t know why, but Onesimus took off and became a runaway slave. Through the providence of God, Onesimus—like his master Philemon—met a man named Paul, and like his abandoned master, Onesimus too became a believer in Christ. Paul thought highly of him, but Paul was in a dilemma. He viewed Onesimus as a son in the faith but the law required him to return this runaway slave to his master. Paul chose to return Onesimus, but he helped him by sending with him a personal letter for Philemon imploring this slave master to recognize Onesimus as his brother in Christ and forgive him of any wrongdoing he had done.
Please listen as I read Paul’s letter to Philemon, and then after our special music, I’ll talk about it some more.
[Scripture and Solo]
Isn’t it refreshing to see that God cares about the smallest details in our lives, including our relationships? Let’s look at today’s story in restoration and forgiveness and pull out some relationship restoring principles. Whether you are trying to rebuild your own relationship or act as a third party to bring peace between others, as Paul is here, we can learn from today’s story.
First, in your relationships speak the truth in love. This is a phrase Paul uses in a different letter to the church in Ephesus (Ephesians 4:15). He says it indicates spiritual maturity. Many people speak their mind, what they consider to be truth, but not out of love. Many people come across loving all the time, but it’s not authentic love because they don’t speak truthfully. Paul chooses to speak truthfully, advising Philemon what he should do about this situation, but Paul does it with great tact, love, and concern for both parties.
Now sometimes if you’re angry at someone, speaking the truth in love is quite difficult. Sometimes I tend to villainize my enemies. I think, “That guy who crossed me: he’s the anti-Christ, Satan in the flesh!” I tend to see the very worst in them, the worst thoughts, the worst motives, the worst actions. And yet God calls me to build a bridge toward them. Jesus tells me to love my enemies.
Paul conveys truth in love through a personal letter. You know it’s personal because he uses a lot of singular pronouns. Unlike most of his other letters in the Bible, this one is written to a specific “you,” not a “you all.”
Now a letter isn’t as personal as a face-to-face meeting, which is always best. But Paul is writing from prison so he can’t do this in person. A letter is not ideal, but it’s the next best thing. And sometimes it’s a good option when you don’t trust how you might respond in front of the person. There are other options, such as phone calls, texts, and tweets, but you lose some non-verbals there, which make those choices less than ideal for resolving conflict.
So Paul uses a personal letter, and he begins with holy flattery. He says how thankful he is to God for Philemon, for his love and his faith toward Jesus and others. Paul is specific in his thanks; he doesn’t just say, “Thank God for you!” He lists some specific areas of thanks. It’s important to be genuine here; you don’t want to come across as manipulative. If you can genuinely find some positives in the other person, it will help toward restoring that relationship.
The other thing Paul does well is to gently persuade rather than force the reconciliation. He says, starting around verse 8, “Hey, I have enough power over you that I could just order you to do this, but I’m not. I’m merely asking.” And so Paul gives the other guy—Philemon—the ability to choose to do the right thing.
JOKE: A little boy once got himself in trouble with his mother as little boys often do and he was firmly told to sit down and be quiet. The little fellow had a stubborn streak and flatly refused. Mom became even more firm and told him to sit down before he got into more trouble than he was already in. Reluctantly, he plopped down in the chair and declared, “Ok, I’m sitting down on the outside, but I’m still standing up on the inside!” Don’t we feel that way when someone makes us do the right thing? But Paul lets Philemon choose.
So Paul works hard to speak truth in love, and he also builds a persuasive argument. He works to convince Philemon that it is in the best interest of all parties that Philemon take back his slave without punishment, and even possibly free him. To do so, Paul draws upon Onesimus’ new status as a Christian. Onesimus is no longer just a slave; he is Philemon’s spiritual brother.
In verse 11, Paul interjects a little humor, which can be helpful in reducing tension and restoring relationships. Paul plays on the name “Onesimus” (which means “useful”) and says, “Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me.” In other words, “This dude is finally living up to his name for the benefit of both of us!”
Paul suggests that people can change for the better, that people can improve, and can overcome their past. I believe that. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be in the line of work I’m in.
Several months ago, a church member told me that something I had said in a sermon around Christmas had prompted her to call her estranged daughter. She had faulted the daughter for their blow-up and they had not spoken for ten years! Now she simply called and said, “I love you, and as far as I’m concerned, all is forgiven.” She said their relationship began to improve immediately. What a blessing! I was honored to be a part, yet I knew it was a total God-thing, because I could not even remember the particular sermon that prompted her to reach out.
When seeking to rebuild a relationship, try to see the person the way God sees them. Paul reminded Philemon that God saw Onesimus not so much as a runaway slave, but as a child of the King, forever in God’s family along with Philemon and Paul. Undoubtedly that helped Philemon to set aside his anger and take back this runaway slave, and perhaps to free him for good.
History records that Ignatius of Antioch, a famous leader of the early church, wrote a letter around AD 110 to the new bishop of Ephesus, whose name was … Onesimus. Is this the same Onesimus? We don’t know for sure, but many scholars believe so. If so, what a change: From slave to fugitive to Christian believer to repentant slave to church member to church leader! People can change!
There’s one more great lesson we can learn from Paul, and that is to appeal to the emotions. Paul emphasizes the personal pronouns in verse 20, so that it sounds like this: “I do wish, brother, that ‘I’ may have some benefit from you in the Lord; refresh ‘MY’ heart in Christ.” And the word “benefit” is another play on the Greek word for “usefulness.” In other words, Paul says, “Be useful to ME, Philemon, and do the right thing here! Refresh MY heart in Christ!” Paul makes an emotional appeal.
He doesn’t stop there, though. In verse 21, he says, “Do even MORE than I ask!” In other words, don’t just take him back peacefully, Philemon. Why don’t you set him free?” But Paul leaves it up to Philemon. Although he has put on some friendly pressure, Paul makes it clear in verse 22 that no matter how it turns out, he plans to visit soon and to stay with Philemon. Paul is keeping the relationship door open.
In closing, I want to return to an earlier verse with an emotional appeal. In verse 18, Paul says, “Put it on my tab. Whatever Onesimus did to offend you, I’ll pay it back.” Some scholars believe this means Onesimus’ original offense must have been theft. Philemon is indebted to Paul for introducing him to eternal life in Christ. So Paul feels secure in asking for a little payback here.
Martin Luther once wrote, “Even as Christ did for us with God the Father, thus Paul also does for Onesimus with Philemon.” Did you catch that? There’s a beautiful gospel parallel here in the book of Philemon: Paul is a picture of Christ Jesus, who carefully pleads our case before the Heavenly Father (that’s Philemon). We are Onesimus, the runaway slave, the rebellious one, the one who is no longer useful because of our sinfulness. But Christ says that we are useful, not because of anything we’ve done to deserve being taken back, but because of Christ’s own reputation. In his letter to Philemon, Paul says in verse 18, “Whatever he’s done against you, charge it to me.” And that’s what Jesus did for us at Calvary. He said to the Father, “Give me their sin. Whatever they did against you, charge it to me. I’m ready.” And that’s what enables us to return home and to be useful once again. But we must return home, with letter in hand, signed by Christ, to be useful to the Father. That’s what it means to become a Christian.
And then our restoration with God should affect our relationships with others. C.S. Lewis wrote, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” Let us pray:
Father, you know those broken relationships in our lives as well as the people who rub us the wrong way. Please use these challenging relationships as heavenly sandpaper to rub off our selfishness and pride, and please give us opportunities to offer the olive branch, to wave the white flag, to put aside our pride and begin to rebuild, or to be the peacemaker who helps bring others together. We need your help to love people who are not very lovely. What we really need is for your love for them to flow through us. Thank you for loving us when we’re not very lovely. We ask this all in the name of the risen Lord and through the power of the Holy Spirit, amen.
