Series: Mythbusters
“Forgiving Means Forgetting”
1 Samuel 12:13-14 Matthew 18:21-35
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After a two week break with Youth Sunday two weeks ago and the concert last week, we’re back in our series of messages called Mythbusters. We’re focusing in on spiritual myths. We’ve also called them spiritual urban legends. These myths or legends are based on false understandings of scripture and they always lead you down the wrong path. Today, we’re going to look at the myth that says, “Forgiving Means Forgetting.”
Two brothers went to their preacher to settle a longstanding feud. It seemed the preacher was able to get the two men to reconcile their differences. The preacher asked each one to make a wish for the other. The first brother turned to the other and said, “I wish you what you wish me.” At that, the second brother threw up his hands and said, "See, Preacher! He's starting up again!”
Forgiveness is a tough and touchy subject but there’s one very important consideration
regarding this issue. Right this down: Forgiveness is not an option. It’s a command. Paul puts it this way in Col. 3:13 – Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Jesus taught us in the Sermon on the Mount a model prayer. In that model prayer, he said that we should ask the Father to forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. He concludes that instruction with a very ominous warning in Matt. 6:14-15 – For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Forgiveness is a decision of the will. Since God commands us to forgive, we must make a conscious choice to obey God and forgive. The offender may not desire forgiveness and may not ever change, but that doesn’t negate God’s desire that we possess a forgiving spirit.
Forgiveness may not be an option but it can be difficult to do. C.S. Lewis said, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” It’s made even more difficult because many of us have never been shown what real biblical forgiveness looks like.
Some of us have been taught that forgiveness is pretending that nothing happened. That’s an ostrich move – a head-in-the-sand move – that simply tries to ignore the obvious. Some of us see forgiveness as a fresh start without any of the consequences or old baggage having to be dealt with. Still others view forgiveness as the immediate and full restoration of a broken relationship, carrying with it the same level of trust and privileges that preceded the wrongdoing.
Misconceptions concerning forgiveness have forged a very formidable spiritual myth. This spiritual myth is the widely-held belief that genuine forgives means literally forgetting what happened. This spiritual myth proposes that forgiveness means wiping the slate so clean that every memory of the transgression disappears. Let’s see how that concept matches with biblical teaching and the way things really work.
Wrong Perspective
One teaching concerning forgiveness has been popular for a number of years. The first part of it says that if we confess our sins to God, He will forgive them. And that is correct. But the second part of the teaching says that if we confess the same sin twice, God will be confused. He’d have no idea what we were talking about because he’s already forgiven and forgotten the first time.
The wrong perspective is that forgiveness is an act of self-induced spiritual amnesia. It’s believed that God does that or us and that we’re expected to do it for others. But here’s the problem with that concept: It’s not how God forgives. God doesn’t forget when He forgives – at least not in the sense that we commonly use the word forget today.
If you pick up any English dictionary and look up the word “forget,” you’ll find that its primary meaning has to do with an inability to recall something. Examples would be forgetting where you put your keys or forgetting about an important meeting. In contemporary usage, forgetting is the opposite of remembering.
So, when we read in Jer. 31:34b that God says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more,” we think that means that God literally erases our sins from his memory as if they never happened. Then you add Ps. 103:12b – As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us and then we’re told that a “No Fishing” sign is prominently placed nearby.
It’s clear to see how forgiveness has often been defined as letting go to the point of removing every trace of the wrongdoing from memory. Those two verses have been misinterpreted and the word “remember” is not used in that way in the Bible.
When the Bible speaks about God remembering something, it doesn’t mean that a long-lost thought suddenly pops into his mind. It simply means that God renews his work with the person or situation at hand.
For instance, the Bible says that after Noah floated around for nearly five months on the ark, God remembered him. That doesn’t mean that an angel had to remind God about Noah and his family or that God found a note underneath some other papers on his desk to tell him it was time to pull the plug on the Flood. What it does mean is that God renewed His work in Noah.
The same goes for the many biblical stories about the sins of those who are saints of God and God’s subsequent forgiveness of those sins. Starting at Adam and Eve’s foolish taste test in the Garden and proceeding on to David’s astounding adultery with Bathsheba and Peter’s harsh denial of knowing Jesus, the Bible tells of some pretty ugly sins. They are prominently featured, widely known, and fully forgiven.
If forgiveness means God literally has no memory of these events, we’ve got a bit of a theological dilemma on our hands. You and I know things of which God isn’t aware. The Bible contains stories He can’t remember. Now, obviously that’s an absurdity.
So, what does the Bible mean when it speaks of God remembering our sins no more? The right perspective is that it means that God no longer responds to us in light of those sins. They no longer derail our relationship with him. They no longer receive His wrath. They are gone – completely – from our account. However, it doesn’t mean that he can’t remember all the things we’ve done. An omniscient [all-knowing] God does not forget. That’s God’s model for forgiveness and that is how we’re expected forgive others people.
When we operate by this wrong perspective, we face some significant problems. The first problem is that we think we can opt out of forgiving others. Even if we feel we should forgive, few of us think we can forgive if it means self-induced amnesia. So we don’t even bother to try. Oh, we do okay with the small things and the annoyances of life but the bigger things – those we hang on to.
The second significant problem is disillusionment and anger with God. When I get right with God, it doesn’t make everything right with my life. It’s easy to become disillusioned and angry with God, especially if we think that his forgiveness should have removed all the traces and consequences of our sins.
I know lots of folks who have messed up big time – me included. Many of them have been genuinely repentant, have turned from their sins, and have attempted to move on with their lives, only to discover that they couldn’t. The repercussions of their sins, such as estranged relationships, financial loss, and even jail time, were consequences they could not escape.
This wrong perspective leads people to become angry with God because they assumed forgiving meant forgetting. They couldn’t understand why God hadn’t fixed everything that they had broken. They felt like he hadn’t kept his part of the confession/forgiveness bargain.
In reality, God had kept His part of the bargain. He had forgiven them exactly as he promised and exactly like he had forgiven the biblical saints of old. The confusion came when these folks only thought they knew what forgiveness was all about.
The third significant problem is unrealistic expectations. You see, we tend to assume that if someone has forgiven us, whatever happened in the past should be a dead issue. The other person should just get over it and move on.
That expectation is an unreasonable one. It unfairly turns the tables on the one who has been wronged. It assumes that his or her pains should just magically disappear. And if it doesn’t, we get to write off the injured party as an unforgiving jerk. Our sin is now their problem. That idea is simply not the case.
In reality, healing takes time. Long-held grievances don’t go completely away overnight. That’s why the apostle Paul in Eph. 4:26 – Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. You have to deal with it before it sets up roots in your soul.
Heb. 12:15 – See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up
to cause trouble and defile many. Bitterness is like a small root that grows into a giant tree. It brings jealousy, dissension, and immorality
Forgiveness is a decision that is lived out daily in a lengthy process. The expectation that those whom we have wronged should simply forget about it is not only unreasonable, it’s emotionally unhealthy. People who can’t remember what happened to them or who bury their pain are not spiritually mature and they’re also emotionally handicapped.
The fourth significant problem is that we simply just give up. We quit trying. Equating forgiveness with forgetting makes forgiveness seem impossibly out of reach. If you’ve been deeply hurt, you know that painful memories tend to stick. They can’t be willed away. No matter how hard we pray, they aren’t erased.
The pain may lessen. The memories may fade. The nightmares may disappear. But gone for good? It’s a rare occurrence. And once we’ve decided that it’s not possible to forget, many of us decide it’s not possible to forgive – at least when it comes to the big stuff.
Proper Precedent
Simply trying to forget the wrongs that are done against us is like spray-painting a rusty old car. It seems like an easy solution at first, but eventually the rust breaks through and the problem is worse than before.
God sets the proper precedent for us to forgive others. When it comes to forgiveness, there are two realms and God’s forgiveness shows up a little differently in each one.
The first realm is the spiritual and eternal realm. In this realm, forgiveness wipes the slate clean. While God doesn’t forget what we’ve done, he treats us as if it never happened. Spiritual and eternal consequences are completely removed. Judicially, our record is cleared.
Once he has forgiven us, he will never use them as evidence against us.
The second is the earthly and temporal realm. On the earthly level, things are different. God’s forgiveness seldom if ever removes all the consequences or restores all that we’ve broken. Instead, God’s forgiveness offers a second chance.
After David’s infamous affair with Bathsheba, he eventually confessed his sin. He acknowledged his sin, repented of it, and cried out to God. To his great relief, God assured him that he was forgiven and that his life would be spared.
But God’s forgiveness hardly wiped the earthly slate clean. It didn’t remove the consequences. In fact, God administered a few extra consequences. 2 Sam. 12:13-14 – Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die.” And that’s what happened. The son conceived by David and Bathsheba’s adultery did die at birth.
Wow! Pretty harsh consequence, huh? Along with that, though, David is informed that the sword would never depart from his house; that he’d always be at war. He was told that his own son would one day dishonor him in public just as he had dishonored Bathsheba’s husband in private. The temple he’d always dreamed of building for God would be left for another to accomplish. Forgiveness doesn’t mean removing all of the consequences.
Notice something very important here. Forgiveness means giving someone another chance. God didn’t just summarily doom David to a life of hopeless regret. It wasn’t a fresh start free from all of the consequences. Those would remain with David for the rest of his life. But it was a genuine opportunity to become something else in the eyes of God than the murderous adulterer he had been.
As David returned to the path of obedience, God restored him to the highest levels of usefulness. The difficult and tragic earthly consequences continued. But at the same time, God allowed him to remain king and to actually write parts of the Bible! Talk about second chances!
God took David’s best poetry and reflections (much of it written after the fiasco with Bathsheba) and published it in his Holy Book – the Bible. And then Jesus quoted it. God’s dealings with David model for us a pattern of forgiveness that retains earthly consequences while offering a genuine opportunity for restoration and productivity.
God doesn’t expect us to wipe the sins of others from our memory. In fact, we probably won’t be able to, no matter how hard we try. He certainly wouldn’t want us to pretend that we have forgotten things we can’t forget. What he does desire is that we forgive sins committed against us the way that he forgives our much greater sins against him.
It takes greater forgiveness to forgive a grievance that we remember clearly than to forgive a grievance that we have partially forgotten. Desmond Tutu, in his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, says, “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering – remembering and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
Merely ignoring our memory of a grievance isn’t forgiveness. It’s only suppression of anger. Genuine forgiveness, like God’s forgiveness, clearly sees the offense and then forgives it by withdrawing the penalty and continuing the relationship.
It’s natural to deal with our anger by suppressing our memory of an offense, but it’s supernatural to remember it clearly and renounce our right to revenge. Revenge must be left in the hands of the only One who is always objective and just.
Making Progress
So, how do we live out this kind of forgiveness in the real world? What consequences are appropriate? Which ones are punitive? How far do we go with second chances? Does forgiving mean trusting someone again even when we know they’re untrustworthy? Does it give those who have hurt us the right to barge back into our life at deep and time-consuming levels? Do we have to invite them over for dinner … or Thanksgiving … or the wedding?
These are the tough questions. To answer them, let’s see what happens when the spiritual myth regarding forgiveness is thrown out and we respond in a way that aligns more closely with what the Bible actually says about forgiveness.
The first thing we have to do is to stop keeping score. Biblical forgiveness doesn’t keep score.
Sometimes we get confused when we read in Matt. 18:21-22 – Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
When Jesus spoke about forgiving seventy-seven times he wasn’t suggesting we keep a tally sheet. He was using hyperbole – exaggeration for effect – to remind us to keep on forgiving.
When it comes to keeping track of life’s hurts, conflicts, and injustices, we all tend to use some rather creative math. We have an amazing ability to undercount our own misdeeds while multiplying the wrongdoing of others.
Think back to the last time someone nearly killed you with a dangerous lane change. Your response might be similar to mine. After a loud blast of the horn and a menacing stare or look of disgust, you were ready to move on, confident that the bozo that cut you off got the message and would be more careful next time.
However, the offending party might see it differently. He tends to view the near accident as a no-harm, no foul close call. So that makes my blaring horn or evil eye a personal affront. It leaves him one down on the vengeance scorecard. So he tailgates or pulls alongside for a few choice words and some universal sign language.
We wonder, “What’s wrong with that hothead?” And if we have our own bent toward a short fuse, we’re likely to do or say something to get the score back to even. Now the battle is on. We’re just a few steps away from serious road rage as each party escalates the issue in the eyes of the other while simply evening the score in their own eyes. We’ve got to stop keeping score.
The second thing we should do is pray a prayer of permission. We all face situations when we know what we should do but don’t want to do it. The need to forgive can be one of those situations. The greater the hurt or injustice, the less we want to move toward forgiveness. To us, it seems as though it lets the people who hurt us get away with doing it.
That’s when we need to turn to the prayer of permission. It’s a prayer we can pray when we have no desire or motivation to do what we know we should do. It’s a simple prayer in which we give God permission to change the way we feel about a person or situation. Because we really don’t want to forgive in the first place, we back up a step and give God permission to change the we feel, to make us want to forgive.
The beauty of this prayer is that it forces us to squarely face the hardness of our hearts and our subconscious resistance. We quit fighting. Once we do, the result is almost always a rapid shift in our thinking. Forgiving no longer seems like such a bad idea. And once it no longer seems like a bad idea, it’s not so hard to do.
The third thing we should do is to get a good mirror. After answering Peter’s question about the number of times we’re to offer forgiveness, Jesus tells a parable in Matthew 18 about an unforgiving servant. The servant owed his king a vast amount of money. It was so much that it could never be repaid. When the king asked that the accounts be settled up, the servant begged the king for more time. The king gave him something better. He graciously forgave the servant of the entire debt and sent him on his way.
Now, you’d think that this servant would be one happy former debtor. But instead he confronted another servant who owed him a small amount of money and demanded repayment. When the man couldn’t pay right away, he had him thrown into debtor’s prison,
When the king heard about it, he was furious. He called the servant back and – catch this – restored the entire debt that he had previously forgiven. Jesus then ends the parable with these chilling words in Matt. 18:35: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
One thing is certain: When it comes to forgiveness, it’s foolish to refuse to forgive others when God has already forgiven us. That’s why biblical forgiveness always starts with a look in the mirror.
It doesn’t start with the wrong that was done to me. It starts with the wrongs that I have done to others. It asks, “What have I done and how have I been forgiven?” And then it offers that same forgiveness to others.
Jesus said in Mt. 7:3-5 – “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”
The fourth and final thing we need to do is let God be God. We are not to return evil for evil. God promises that he will handle the matter in his own time. Rom. 12:17-19 – Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
The apostle Paul had problems with a certain fellow named Alexander in Ephesus. Timothy went there later to help lead that church. Alexander must have still been causing problems. I think Paul wrote this to remind Timothy to just let God be God. 2 Tim. 4:14 – Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done.
There’s one important question we’ve not talked about. Does forgiveness mean restoring a broken relationship to its original state? Does it mean that we have to trust the other person again? Does it mean we have to invite him or her to our next social gathering?
There are people who believe that very scenario should be the way that forgiveness works – at least for them. Once they’ve been forgiven, they expect to be immediately restored to full trust and relationship. But that’s not the case. Trust, close relationship, and forgiveness are not necessarily related. Forgiveness puts aside all bitterness and all plans for revenge but it doesn’t automatically make someone trustworthy or turn the person back into our best friend. Trust has to be earned.
Close
There’s a lot more to say on this subject of forgiveness. I could do a whole series of messages just on this one subject. I do hope that we have cleared away some of the confusion regarding forgiveness and forgetting.
When you forgive someone, it literally means that you have released their debt. When Jesus died on the cross, some of his last words were, “It is finished.” In the original language, what we translate as a phrase is only one word. This particular word was written on business documents or receipts in New Testament times to show that a bill had been paid in full. The connection between receipts and what Christ accomplished would have been quite clear to John’s Greek-speaking readership; it would be unmistakable that Jesus Christ had died to pay for their sins.
Is. 53:4-5 – Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Forgiving is a big deal. It’s not just for those who have done the little things that get us so worked up. It’s for those who are responsible for the big stuff as well. When we offer forgiveness to those who have no excuse – and for things most of the world would consider unforgivable – we become most like Jesus. Remember, he died for sins which he never committed to forgive people who had no right to be forgiven. Maybe that’s why it’s such a big deal to him that we learn to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. Let’s pray.
(This series freely adapted from Larry Osborne’s book:
Ten Dumb Things Smart Christians Believe)
