Series: Mythbusters
“A Godly Home Guarantees Godly Kids”
Proverbs 22:6
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We’re continuing on this morning in our series of messages called Mythbusters. We’re looking at eight spiritual myths – spiritual urban legends – to which many people subscribe. These spiritual myths aren’t just harmless misunderstandings. They are spiritually dangerous errors that will eventually bring heartache and disillusionment to anyone who trusts in them. The consequences can be devastating.
As we start this morning, I want to share with you the true stories of two couples. Both of these stories come from Larry Osborn’s book “Ten Stupid Things Smart Christians Believe.” In fact, I’ve based this series on parts of that book.
The first couple is Don and Sharon. Don and Sharon have three grown sons. One of their sons is doing very well. He’s a model citizen with a great job, a strong marriage, and a vibrant walk with God. The other two sons – well, they’re a mess. One is in jail. The other is pushing forty but still hasn’t found himself. He’s on job number 15 and marriage number 3. It gets worse. He’s developed a disdain for spiritual things but developed a dependence on alcohol. He doesn’t make any effort to stay in touch with his parents, unless, of course, he needs something.
Their two rebellious sons have brought Don and Sharon a lot of headaches and heartaches. Even though they feel a lot of joy and pride in the one son, the other two cause them to struggle with all kinds of emotions: anger, frustration, embarrassment, and shame.
Their biggest struggle, however, is with guilt – lots of guilt. They see their prodigal sons as proof that they’ve failed as Christian parents. They see their inability to curb the antisocial behavior of their youngest, or instill any sense of drive and a moral compass in the oldest, as proof positive that they were bad parents. And most of their friends agree. It’s not that they say it out loud. They don’t have to.
The second couple is Mike and Rhonda. They feel no guilt about their wild child. Actually, they’re quite upbeat and confident that she will one day return to God and the values by which they raised her.
Their confidence comes from the fact that they modeled a sincere and genuine faith. They took her to church and Sunday school every week. They gave her a solid, faith-based education. During her teenage years, they continued to provide strong spiritual guidance, without stifling her, to make sure she hung around the right friends and participated in the right activities. In short, they did everything they could to give her a godly, Christ-centered upbringing.
But when their daughter went away to college things started to fall apart. By the end of what should have been her senior year, she had soured on her faith, dropped out of school and moved in with her boyfriend. Now, years later, not much has changed. She still hasn’t been near a church or married her boyfriend.
Mike and Rhonda don’t struggle with the guilt or shame that plagues Don and Sharon. Oh, yes, they’re disappointed. But they’re convinced that sooner or later their daughter will come to her senses and come back to God. They’re banking on God’s promise that children raised the right way in a good and godly home can’t stay away forever. They always come home. They can’t help it. God brings them back. He promised.
Both of these couples are strong Christians yet their responses to their wayward children are completely different. Don and Sharon are riddled with guilt. Mike and Rhonda are filled with hope.
Surprisingly, the different responses are both based on the same flawed assumption. It’s our spiritual myth for the day: “A Godly Home Guarantees Godly Kids.”
Don and Sharon interpret that to mean that their home was far more messed up than they had realized. Mike and Rhonda interpret it to mean that their daughter has to come back to the faith someday.
In the short run, Mike and Rhonda probably have it best. At least they have something to hope for. But in the long run, both couples are headed down a dead-end street. They’ve each bought into the same spiritual myth: the belief that a godly home guarantees godly kids. It’s a lie, and every lie (even one that is widely believed and brings temporary comfort) eventually ends up being a house of cards. Things are destined to collapse under the pressing weight of time, truth, and reality.
Common Misconceptions
Like many other spiritual myths, the idea that a godly home guarantees godly kids finds its source in a well-known, but widely misunderstood, Bible verse. The verse is Prov. 22:6 – Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Most people seem to think that this verse promises that a child raised correctly will come back to the Lord eventually. But that’s not what it promises – or even what it says. It’s a common misconception.
Prov. 22:6 is not a promise from God. Those are true and reliable. When God makes a promise, it’s a done deal. It’s an absolute. You can take it to the bank.
Prov. 22:6 is a proverb. A proverb is something entirely different. Those are general observations and they are usually true but not always.
The book of Proverbs is called Proverbs for a good reason. It’s comprised of inspired observations about life but these inspired observations are far from being universal. The righteous aren’t always honored. The wicked sometimes succeed. The diligent can lose it all and the lazy can strike it rich.
The same thing goes for Solomon’s encouraging words about children who are raised properly in Prov. 22:6. It’s a proverb, not a promise. There’s a greater probability that children won’t totally abandon their spiritual roots but some of them will.
That’s why Don and Sharon’s shame and guilt are so ungrounded. Their prodigal sons are no more proof that they failed as parents than the untimely death of a young Christian is proof that he or she must have been living a secret life of sin.
Now, Don and Sharon may have been terrible parents or they may have been great parents. The choices and lifestyles of their grown children give no conclusive proof either way. Eventually, their sons will have to answer to God for their own choices. In the meantime Don and Sharon will be held accountable for how they raised their children, not how their children turned out.
Mike and Rhonda’s confidence that their daughter will one day return to the Lord is equally ungrounded. It’s not based on anything God said or promised. It’s not supported by anything in the Bible. It’s especially not based on anything found in Prov. 22:6. Let’s look together carefully at this verse and see if you don’t agree.
Prov. 22:6 starts out with the phrase, “Train up a child in the way he should go...” At first glance, that seems to be pretty straightforward. However, plenty of reputable Bible scholars disagree on the kind of training that is referenced here.
Some see it as a reference to training in the path of righteousness. Others claim the Hebrew phrase is better interpreted as referring to training that aligns with a child’s unique personality. The Amplified Bible follows this reasoning by rendering Prov. 22:6 this way – Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.
This verse is pointing to the individual makeup of each child. Every child is different. If you’re a parent, you understand what I’m saying.
I have four children. Not one of them is alike. There were general rules for everyone to follow but not all disciplinary procedures were effective with every one of my children. They didn’t respond to the same stimuli or motivations.
There are biblical examples of this principle. Cain and Abel come to mind. One was a shepherd and had a very close relationship with God. The other was a farmer and didn’t care much about spiritual things.
Some may ask, “What about twins? Shouldn’t they be similar in nature and thinking?” How about Jacob and Esau? One loved to hunt, be in the outdoors, and was his father’s favorite. The other liked to cook, hang around the house, and was a mama’s boy.
As to whether Prov. 22:6 means one thing or another, to be completely honest, I don’t think it matters much because both of those concepts are important and find support elsewhere in Scripture. Christian parents need to teach their children the path of righteousness and do it in a way that best fits the unique personality and gifts of their children.
The main problem here is how the next phrase gets twisted beyond recognition. Here’s what it says: …and when he is old he will not turn from it. I’ve tried but I can’t find anything here guaranteeing a return to the Lord, especially one that comes after a time of rebellion. Can you?
It’s beyond me how this phrase from a proverb got turned into a promise that a prodigal raised in a Christian home will eventually return to God. I do understand why we wish it did say that but it doesn’t. In fact, it says the opposite. It actually says that they won’t turn away in the first place. That’s a huge difference.
But remember that this is a proverb and not a promise so it’s not just saying that a child raised properly will never rebel. It’s merely saying that they are unlikely to do so. But the reality is that some do rebel.
That’s why Mike and Rhonda’s confidence is so unfortunate. They’ve unintentionally given the enemy a foothold from which to attack their faith. They’ve set themselves up to be angry at God if their daughter never comes back, even though He never promised that she would.
Some of you might want to ask at this point: what about the Parable of the Prodigal Son. There is nothing said in that parable about the odds of a rebel returning. In fact, if we’re focused on the rebellious son, we’ve missed the point of the story. The point of the parable is that the love of the father is greater than the sins of the son. The love of the father causes him to offer grace instead of judgment.
Devastating Myth
The myth that a godly home guarantees godly kids is not just untrue. It’s not just wishful thinking. It’s spiritually dangerous. If we buy into it, we become especially vulnerable to two things that are never part of God’s plan/
The first thing is unwarranted guilt. We’ve already seen how this myth can burden the parents of adult prodigals with guilt they don’t deserve. But they aren’t the only ones who get hurt. It also brings pain and lots of unnecessary guilt to parents whose children happen to be hyperactive, learning disabled, emotionally handicapped, strong-willed, or just plain incorrigible.
You’ve seen it at the grocery store or maybe even at church. It’s a father or mother struggling with the out-of-control behavior of an unruly child. What’s the first reaction that most of us have? It’s usually a harsh judgment of the parents, not the child.
Oh yeah, we may say to ourselves, “What a brat!” But we also usually wonder what kind of parenting and home life produced such a brat. There are all kinds of things – like Tourette’s syndrome, Autism, ADD, or just a simple case of stubbornness – that can make the best of homes appear to be in dire need of a visit from Child Protective Services.
While a misunderstanding of Prov. 22:6 is perhaps the cause of unwarranted guilt among Christian parents, it’s not the only culprit. Another perpetrator is the lingering and subtle influences of a psychologist named B.F. Skinner.
Skinner believed that children are born as blank slates, able to be shaped and molded in any direction so long as we use the proper rewards and inducements. He had a huge impact on the social sciences, education, government policies, and modern concepts of child rearing. His theories have fallen from favor over time but they still wield significant residual influence in our notions about parenting. Many Christian leaders would denounce Skinner’s atheism but still unwittingly advocate parenting models that mirror his theories of behavioral modification more than they reflect anything taught in the Bible.
The Bible teaches something quite different from Skinner’s blank-slate theory and the simplistic recipes for parenting derived from it. While the Bible teaches that we have great influence on our children and that we will be held responsible for how we raise our children, it also makes it clear that none of us can hide behind our upbringing or environment as an excuse for our wrong decisions or foolish behavior.
Ezek. 18:20 – The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.
Every son and daughter of Adam is born with a sin nature. Rom. 5:12 – Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned. Every one of us has a propensity for self-centered and sinful behavior. It’s not something that can be eliminated by a carefully controlled environment or even the prayers and godliness a Christian parent. Our sin nature is not a mere theological concept. It’s a real and present danger. Sometimes it gets the upper hand. When it does, it’s not someone else’s fault – not even mom or dad’s.
The second thing is foolish pride. Foolish pride is the flip side of unwarranted guilt. It’s something that seems to be particularly present among those of us who have bought into the myth that good and godly homes always produce good and godly kids AND just so happen to have children who are naturally compliant, easygoing, or academically gifted.
It’s not hard to see why we like to take the credit. When anything turns out well, we’d all prefer to think we had something to do with it. If we’ve been told that good and godly kids are the result of good and godly homes, then why not pat ourselves on the back for a job well done?
Before I was a parent, I thought I knew a whole lot about parenting. God has humbled me over the years. Early on in my ministry, I would have titled a sermon on raising children something like “Ten Rules for Raising Godly Kids.” But then I became a parent and dealing with four completely different personalities, the titles have changed. The progression looks something like this. I started with “Ten Rules for Raising Godly Kids.” Then I moved to “Ten Guidelines for Raising Good Kids.” From there I went to “Five Strategies for Raising Kids.” The last one was “Three Suggestions for Surviving Parenthood.”
If you’re a parent, I’m sure you can relate to what I’m saying. But it’s not just the addition of an extra child or two that humbles the previously proud. For some of us, the foolishness of our pride doesn’t get exposed until our kids become adults.
The Bible tells us about something that should once and for all dispel the myth that a godly environment guarantees godly kids but I’m afraid that we often miss it. It’s one of the most important lessons from the Garden of Eden.
Think about it. It doesn’t get much better than a perfect environment, perfect parenting (God instructing his children Adam and Eve), and the complete absence of sin. Yet, we all know how things turned out. Adam and Eve rebelled and the results still affect us today. If rebellion happened there, it can happen anywhere, even in the best of Christian homes.
I want to mention something here that my wife pointed out to me as I was working on this message. She told me not to forget that an ungodly home doesn’t guarantee ungodly kids and she’s right. I’ve known quite a few people who grew up in homes where God was only mentioned in conjunction with curse words. I’ve also known some who grew up in homes where they’re parents scoffed at even the idea of God. Those people have turned to be some of the godliest people that I know.
Parenting Still Matters
Please don’t misunderstand anything I’ve said this morning. None of what I’ve said is meant to say that parents don’t have responsibility for how they raise their children. Or that it doesn’t matter how we parent. It most certainly does.
The Old Testament places a high priority on godly parenting. Deut. 6:6-9 – These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
The New Testament also makes it clear that parents make passing the spiritual torch to their children a high priority. Eph. 6:4 – Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Still, parenting is a difficult job. Advice and criticism are easy. But for those of us in the midst of the battle, it’s not so simple. Things that sound easy in a seminar or Bible study are usually a bit more difficult in real life.
Maybe you’re sitting out there this morning and you are a parent with children at home. You’re wondering if there are any biblically-based principles for raising your kids. That’s really a subject for another series of messages but I want to share some things that I’ve learned along the way.
One important principle is to instruct verbally. Make sure to speak biblical principles into your children’s lives. Let them hear what your expectations are for their behavior. Take everyday situations and teach them along the way.
Another important principle is to live authentically. Do your best to be a good example of the biblical principles you’ve spoken to them about. However, they’re not perfect and you’re not perfect. Admit your mistakes. Learn to forgive each other together.
A third important principle is to love patiently. Being a godly parent means that you offer your children the same patience that God offers to you when you’re struggling in some area of your life (and we all struggle in some areas).
The next important principle is to discipline carefully. As was mentioned earlier, each one of your children has different personality and behavioral traits from their siblings. One disciplinary measure may not work as well with child as with another. Don’t be overly harsh and fit the discipline to the offense. One example of that would be if your child stole something, make them work to repay what they stole.
The last important principle I want to mention today ties the other principles together with the impending result of parenting. Give them roots and wings. The first four principles are meant to give our children the roots they need to flourish on their own. However, the day will come when they have to fly on their own. Make sure to give them the freedom to do so.
Some parents who are full of congratulatory pride in their naturally compliant children have a complete turn-around when that child becomes an adult and goes their own rebellious way. And sometimes the traits we look down on in a younger child become positive traits later on in life.
The stubbornness of a three-year-old is called backbone and conviction in a thirty-three-year-old. The highly acclaimed entrepreneur is seen as thinking out of the box. Most likely, he was once a kindergartner who got in trouble for refusing to color between the lines. A class clown sometimes become a perpetual goof-off but they can also become the life of the party or the leader that everyone lines up to follow. That can’t-sit-still-for- thirty-seconds seven-year-old turns into the high-powered, multi-tasking executive who just hired the compliant kid to be his office manager.
The bottom line is that children aren’t a mindless lump of wet clay. The products created by a potter might reflect his skill as an artisan. But the accomplishments or sins of our children don’t necessarily reflect our parenting skills or godliness any more than the output of the annual harvest necessarily represents the skill or godliness of a Christian farmer. There are too many variables that come into play. All that we can do is our best. The final outcome is ultimately out of our hands.
As we get to the end of this message, I want to give you some of the best parental advice I’ve ever read. Larry Osborne: “So, if you’re a parent, give it your best shot – then go take a nap. And if you’ve already given it your best shot – take a long nap. You deserve it.”
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Rather than preening in pride, casting harsh judgments, or wallowing in self-pity or unwarranted guilt, we simply need to get rid of the myth that produces these responses and live in light of the truth. As parents, we do have a sacred responsibility for how we raise our kids but we have no ultimate control over how they turn out.
Admittedly there are plenty of Christian parents who have good reason to feel guilty. All too common we see hypocrisy, angry outbursts, inattention (or its mirror opposite, hyper-control), poor marriages, and broken homes. The price for each of those environments is always high.
But when godly parents do the best they can and yet fail to achieve the outcome they hope for, they need a break, not a drive-by “guilting.” And when things go well, we need a lot more gratitude and a lot less pride.
Jer. 9:23-24 – This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, 24 but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.
(This series freely adapted from Larry Osborne’s book:
Ten Dumb Things Smart Christians Believe)
