FATHERHOOD: 101
Many people have written books on parenting. Dr. Dobson is a popular one among Christian parents. I was told I was raised on Dr. Spock. Parents have always looked to different sources for instructions on how to rear their children. The bible has some good instructions for us fathers. Let’s see what God’s word says about being a good father.
1) Don’t exasperate your children.
In the first three verses of Ephesians 6, Paul has instructions for children. Obey your parents and honor your mother and father. But he finishes with an instruction for fathers. Eph 6:4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
“Exasperate”. Only occurrence of this word in the NIV bible. It means ‘do not frustrate or infuriate. Do not provoke them to anger’. Sometimes we as fathers are good at getting our kids going. We tease and goof around. But sometimes we might not back off when we should. We could take it beyond playfulness to where it becomes a situation where we exasperate our kids. I remember my uncle used to hold me down and tickle me until I became exasperated. I hated it. I need to remember that if I start to take things too far when I’m playing around with Shaun. If we know how it feels when someone gets us worked up we need to pull back the reins if we find ourselves doing that with our kids.
Instead of doing things that cause our kids to become frustrated to where they act inappropriately, we as fathers are to do the opposite-we help them calm down when they are frustrated. We instruct them and train them from the wisdom of the Lord. We teach them to use the tools that will help them when someone else gets them all worked up and angry. We seek to incorporate the character of the Lord into them. We as fathers are supposed to do things that will bring out the best in our kids, not agitate them to where it brings out the worst in them.
This rings true in the area of discipline. We shouldn’t be extreme with our punishment; it should fit the crime. Spanking is one thing-beating is another. Punishing to an extreme will exasperate our children and not produce good results. When kids get into the teenage years they can become more rebellious-breaking rules, talking back more, etc. And it can be easy to get sucked in and start fighting with them. How do we handle it without exasperating them? I mean, we can’t allow our kids to be disrespectful and defiant. No, but we can do our best to keep our cool when they lose theirs. We can instill discipline without flying off the handle. We can be firm without getting physical. We can lay down the law without screaming.
And we have Jesus as our example of how to handle negative situations. He spoke wisdom, he taught us to not be quick to anger but rather to be self-controlled. He taught us to be patient, compassionate, understanding and loving. And chances are if our kids see us maintaining control when they’re getting out of control, they will be more apt to calm down so we can handle things reasonably.
2) Don’t embitter your children.
Col. 3:18-21, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
“Do not embitter”. This means don’t make your children bitter or cynical. How would I be doing this? One way is how we respond to them when they disappoint us. When we say things like, “What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you get this right? Are you stupid or something?” This is embittering our children. “You’ll never amount to anything.” Embittering. You are fueling their bitterness and pessimism. They won’t ever look at life with any amount of hope. Life for them will be spent in despair and anticipation of failure.
I think another way we embitter our children is when we don’t keep our word. We tell our kids we’re going to do something with them or help them or get them something but we don’t follow through. They become disappointed and discouraged. And we become fathers who can’t be trusted.
Also Paul is telling husbands and wives how to set an example for their children. Husbands, you want your wife to submit? Then love them as Christ loves the church and give yourself up for her. Be humble and be her servant. And don’t be harsh. Harshness will not accomplish the true submission you seek. It might bring submission out of fear but harshness will not bring submission out of love and respect.
Fathers, you want to know how to embitter your kids? Treat their mom harshly. Do you want to know how to exasperate your kids? Disrespect their mother. And something else to keep in mind-how we treat our wives is probably how our sons will treat their wives. The kind of husband we are to our wives may very well be the kind of husband our daughters will marry. If we don’t want to discourage our kids we need to treat them and their mom the way Jesus would.
3) Discipline your children.
Prov. 22:15, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”
All kids need to be disciplined. You don’t have to teach a child how to disobey; they’re pretty good at figuring it out on their own. It’s human nature to rebel; foolish behavior is part of our make-up. Therefore, the need for discipline is inevitable. A child isn’t going to learn obedience on their own. When they’re told what they need to do, it won’t take long before we find them not doing what they’re supposed to. If we don’t discipline our kids then the folly that is in their heart will only increase.
A loving father does not allow disobedience to go on without addressing it. Prov. 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” We see that discipline is an act of love. A lack of proper discipline equals a lack of proper love. If we’re not willing to punish our kids for wrong behavior then we are not loving them like we should.
One way this is true is because we are setting them up for the harsh reality of dealing with a world that won’t put up with their behavior. Unruly toddlers end up thinking they can go to school and be unruly. Then they find out their behavior isn’t tolerated there like it is at home. And if they don’t learn to play by the rules they will be dealing with consequences. They get sent home from school and this angers the parents. And sometimes you find the parents getting upset with the school for their disciplinary action when all along they should be angry with themselves. I’m not saying all unruly kids are that way because there’s a lack of discipline but I think that’s true in a lot of cases.
A lack of discipline disrupts the whole household. There is no peace when there’s a house full of undisciplined kids. And if the lack of discipline goes on, when they’re older they will be dealing with the law and it’s a whole different ball game then. Then the parents will be dealing with a new level of frustration and sorrow. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Prov. 29:17, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” Kids that are disciplined bring peace into the household. Parents are delighted when the kids are well behaved. And the kids will be at peace and their soul will be delighted too. Their disciplined life brings structure and safety. Instead of getting into trouble they are recognized for their good behavior.
And when kids see the benefits of discipline they respect their parents for it. Heb. 12:9, “Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!” When we as fathers discipline our kids we deal with the fact that they see us as the bad guy now but we hope they will someday respect us for it.
If you’re anything like me I didn’t respect my father for disciplining me until much later. Although it was for my own good I didn’t want to acknowledge that at the time. I was angry and resentful; I didn’t like being punished; I didn’t like being restricted. There came a time when I was able to look back and realize the love that was shown in disciplining me. I could see that I was being protected; my father was trying to save me from myself.
During my rebellious time when I was a senior in high school my parents probably had their fill at trying to discipline me so they backed off a bit; probably to allow me to fall flat on my face hoping I would wake me up. I wish I had listened because that’s exactly what happened. I lived 10 years of foolish behavior because I wouldn’t listen to my parent’s instruction. And I suffered greatly because of it. I had to be disciplined by the law before I decided it was time to stop living like a fool.
Recognizing the value of my earthly father’s instruction and discipline helps me to understand the importance of submitting to my heavenly father’s instruction and discipline. Knowing what it was like to suffer the consequences of rebelling against my earthly father helps me to understand the foolishness of rebelling against my heavenly father. As I look back and realize the pain and suffering I could’ve been spared from had I submitted to my earthly father’s discipline helps me to understand the wisdom in submitting to my heavenly father’s discipline. In doing so I not only spare myself from further misery but I will also experience a better quality of life.
4) Put God first.
In Gen. 17 Abraham was chosen by God to become, “the father of many nations”. Abraham’s descendents would be more than the sands of the seashore. In the next chapter of Genesis, God revealed his purpose for choosing Abraham.
Gen. 18:18-19, “Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him.”
I believe that’s God’s purpose for all fathers, that they would be directing their children and their household to keep the way of the Lord by setting the example and doing what is right and just, so that we fathers would be blessed and receive the promises of God. And the biggest part of directing our household to keep the way of the Lord is when we put the Lord first; when God becomes the top priority in our lives. Abraham was challenged to do that in the most extreme way. He was given the greatest test ever put upon a father.
Gen. 22:1-2, “Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”
Isaac was the son of promise but God told Abraham to sacrifice him. I can see Abraham saying, “I don’t understand. What about the covenant you made with me? Sarah and I were in our old age, spent our whole lives without children and had pretty much given up all hope of ever having one and then you come along with the pronouncement of a miracle. Then you turn around and tell me you want me to sacrifice Isaac, the son of promise? This doesn’t make any sense. But, because I trust you, because you are God I will do as you say.” So, Abraham began to carry out what God told him to do. As a father I can’t imagine the heartache of that long, difficult trip to the site where the sacrifice was to take place.
But Abraham knew God was going to do something. Gen. 22:5, “He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” When Isaac recognized that everything was there for the offering except the lamb he asked his father where the lamb was. Abraham answered him by saying, “God himself will provide the lamb.” Abraham had faith that God wasn’t going to forsake his covenant or remove his promise. And he was right. Abraham bound Isaac and put him on the alter. And just as Abraham had his arm poised in the air ready to slay his son God stopped him.
Gen. 22:12-13, “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.”
Abraham’s faith and devotion to God were put to the extreme test. Faith and trust enabled Abraham to do the unthinkable as a father. Even though Abraham had faith that God would do something to save the day, he still had to be compelled to carry out the act. This showed that God was more important to him than his own son. And that event wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit but also for Isaac’s. He was being taught about faith and trust; he was being shown how important it was to love God more than everything or everyone else.
That’s what we are called to do as fathers. Live a life of faith, pass the tests of faith and trust God through it all. We are called to set the example of what it looks like to put God first. When we love God even more than our own children we will truly be loving our children. It sounds strange but the irony is we won’t be loving them less; we’ll be loving them more. We won’t be depriving them of love by putting God first; by putting God first we will be loving them by teaching them to love the Lord. If we choose not to put God first in our lives then the relationship between us and our kids will suffer. However, when we put God first he will honor that by enriching the relationship between us and our kids.
CONCLUSION: Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. He wasn’t famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for filling Chicago with evil. How did he keep himself out of jail? That’s where his lawyer came into play. Big Al’s lawyer was nicknamed “Easy Eddie.” He was excellent at keeping his boss out of jail and Al Capone paid him well. Eddie lived the high life and cared little for what happened around him. He only soft spot was his son. He gave his son everything. He tried to teach him right from wrong. He wanted his son to better than him. Yet, with all his wealth and influence there were two things he realized he could not pass on to his son: a good name and a good example.
So one day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. He wanted to change and rectify the wrongs. He decided he would tell the truth about Al “Scarface” Capone. He wanted to clean up his tarnished name and offer his son a semblance of integrity. Although he knew to testify against the Mob would cost him a great price, he did it. Within a year Easy Eddie’s life ended in a blaze of gunfire. In his eyes he gave his son the greatest gift he had to offer and it cost him his life.
World War II produced many heroes. One such was Commander Butch O’Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent out on a mission. After being airborne, Butch saw that his fuel gauge was low and he realized that someone had forgotten to top it off. He would not have enough fuel to complete the mission, and was commanded to return, but on his way back he saw a squadron of Japanese headed for the Americans. The fighters were gone and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn’t get help in time. He had to divert the enemy from the American fleet. He dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibers blazed as he charged in. He fired until he was empty and he began clipping wings with his own plane. The Japanese took off in a different direction and Butch O’Hare sputtered back to his carrier.
Upon arrival he reported in and the film from the gun camera showed the story. He had destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on Feb. 20, 1942 and for that action Butch became the first Naval Ace of WW II, and was awarded a congressional medal of honor. A year later at age 29, Butch was killed in action. His home town would not allow his memory to fade, and today, O’Hare Airport in Chicago is named in his tribute.
Why did I go from talking about Easy Eddie to Butch O’Hare? Because Butch was Eddie’s son. Eddie risked his life to do the right thing and his son followed suit. Such is the power of a good influence and the importance of setting a good example.
