There are hundreds of parenting principles in the Bible, but in one book there is a treasure trove of information –Proverbs. You may have to dig a little bit for the choicest ore, but you will come away a zillionaire! The book of Proverbs is such an incredible book. I am often moved and motivated by it. It’s amazing to me how often the principles come to mind throughout the day. Proverbs talks about money, discerning people, education, happiness and parenting and more. This deceived lady who spent thousands to go to India, and wherever else to find the meaning of life, and ends up writing the bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love, could have just sat in her living room and read the blessed Word of God and got far more!
According to Solomon, a wise, loving and Biblical parent will try to stay on top of things. They will do what they can to make sure that the personal, public, educational, spiritual and physical lives of their sons and daughters are all intact. A wise parent will give boundaries, suggestions and will provide and protect in every area of their lives.
Let’s break our verse up so we can get a good understanding. First, notice that it states “she.” I think we can all agree that what is true for a mom is true for a father. Second, he or she has to “look.” You might ask, “Does this mean that we should spy on our children?” No, I don’t think spying is good, but I do think that every parent needs to have ears and eyes that are open. I don’t think that anybody is any better at that than mom. She can be cooking, talking on the phone and all the while her other ear is like a radar dish. She is listening to what’s going on or not going on. Third, it says she looks “well,” that is, she makes a concerted effort to look after them. There’s only so much that a parent can do, but she is on top of things. Parents, let me encourage you not to stick your head in the sand. Every person (kids included), are like the moon, they have a dark side that nobody ever sees. Be open about issues. Fourthly, what should parents look for? Solomon said, the “ways” of their child or youth. What are their ways? It is how they are doing in their life physically, morally, emotionally and mentally. It also says she’s looking well to the ways of her household, not poking about everybody else’s business. She is not spending all of her time on Facebook nosing around. This mother and father knew how to honor parameters in relationships, but she also knows that this is her household and is serious about this God-given responsibility.
4 Ways to Pay Attention to Sons and Daughters Ways:
1. Parents Must Realize They Don’t Get What They Expect but What They Inspect
An important leadership point for me over the years has been to look into what’s going on in the lives of those I have jurisdiction over. A teen son may say to Dad, “Don’t you trust me?” The answer? Unfortunately, after all these years of experience in the world, I “trust” that the devil and his ways will create problems. Paul said we are not ignorant to his devices (2 Corinthians 2:11). Like the honest lyrics found in the Hymn, Come Thou Fount, “...prone to wander, Lord I feel it...”
There is a strange humanistic rationale behind the popular statement, “laws make people into criminals.” Certainly, boundaries ought to be wise and practical. However, the idea of changing the rules because sin is inevitable, is a flawed concept. It leads to the terrible abuses we’ve seen in America today. People lobby, “If we don’t legalize marijuana, we’re just going to make criminals out of everybody.” What an incredibly foolish concept! The “no restraints, no boundaries” lifestyle is a disaster waiting to happen. In the book of Romans we are told that God gave government the responsibility to put moral boundaries on its people to keep them from destroying themselves and others. Scripture has hundreds of moral boundaries included in it. It is not the laws that are the problem, it is the sin nature of mankind.
Not having restraints on children is about as smart as riding a horse without reins. Can you imagine how smart that would be? Do you trust your horse not to run you off a cliff? I can remember going horseback riding many years ago. I was a junior age kid, maybe 4th or 5th grade, and I was mounted on a giant horse (or so it seemed). As we left the stables, the horse was walking really slowly with her head down. I felt like my horse was depressed or something! There I was just plodding along, until at a certain point in the trail the horse could catch a glance back at the stable. The minute that horse looked back to the stable, it would turn around and start galloping back. He just took off-whoa nelly! That horse needed some reigns.
God has established parents as riders. Without reins, there is little possibility that the horse is going to do right. There is a great potential for serious issues without restraints. I think a great example, unfortunately, is that of wonderful King David with his son, Adonijah. Scripture states surprisingly, that David never restrained his son (1 Kings 1:6). David was a great king, a great warrior and a great Christian, but sadly, he was an indulgent parent. He didn’t inspect what his son was doing. He left his son to himself. Nothing goes well for very long without care.
Everywhere in the world, employee performance reviews are done in some fashion. If you build something, the Building Department of your community will likely inspect. In the political process, every two or four years, constituents conduct a sort of performance review, and get a chance to say how they think things are going. One thing I’ve noticed about inspections is that they cause everybody to get broken items fixed and dirty areas cleaned up. Inspections, though irritating, generally make sure that everything is up to snuff. Nobody necessarily likes an inspector but they are necessary. I have had to be the inspector in our home many times over the years. Each one of our children has required inspection. They have all required me to go in and follow up and see if boundaries and rules are being adhered to. To not follow up as a parent, is to lose the impact of your words. If children don’t feel like mom or dad is going to follow up, then rules are meaningless.
Let’s look at some examples. Take something like cleaning their room. Go in once or twice and show them how to clean. Then show them what a finished room looks like. All this is done BEFORE you hold them accountable. Then, after they clean the room on their own, by a certain deadline (very important for future employment training), then make sure you go in and inspect. Commend them if possible. This process, done consistently, will set up a good pattern of obedience.
If its homework, then have them show you when the work is actually done. When you inspect on weightier matters like friendships, or social outings, you should know who the friend is, where exactly they are going, who else will be there and what kind of things they will be doing. During the courtship years, pay close attention to the beliefs and character of all involved (* see addendum at the end of the book for a compatibility assessment). You could also ask sons and daughters what they got out of their personal Bible reading that day. Inspect every area of their life. Wise parents get what they inspect not what they expect.
2. Parents Need to Stay On Top of Matters
“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27).
Scripture says he or she “looketh”, that is, they keep looking. Parents must keep it up hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and year after year. I encourage parents of large families especially to think; “long haul.” What I mean by that is that if you have 9 children and each child is born an average of 2 years apart and each child then stays in the home to the age of 20, then you’re likely going to be parenting for 40 years (or more) from the time the first child is born and the last one leaves the home. This is so unlike the average family in America today. That is a lifetime! This is one reason why parenting is an extreme responsibility. Keeping things in order gives you a way get peace through this season.
It can get weary sometimes, but it helps when you “look well” to the attitudes and actions of sons and daughters. Letting things slide sounds easy at the time, but my experience is (and I’ve failed so much in this), that it comes back to bite you. I’m not talking about being severe on the kids. I don’t think staying on top of matters is being a severe parent, rather, lovingly strict.
It is uncanny how quickly one little action can become a regular habit. Good habits take what seems like months to develop, but bad habits can develop overnight it seems! Stephen Covey, who wrote the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People said this, “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.”
Parents simply must stay on top of things. In some children’s lives there is a laundry list of issues, but you still need to stay on top of it by priority, as best as you can. Parents need to ask themselves, “Are my children behaving properly?” “How are they with their youth leader?” “How do they act with their grandparents and how are they relating to their brothers and sisters?” Ask yourself this key question; “Where’s their heart?”
Somehow, parents must institute a system of checks and balances. Somehow they need to find out how to keep things in check. How to keep tabs on where they are and what they’re doing. Again, the larger the family, the more of a chore this is. I would suggest this, talk to some quality, experienced parents, who have been around awhile, and see what they do. Check in on your children. Call them on the phone. Text them. That is one of the good things about having dinner (or breakfast or lunch) together as a family. It makes a time for everybody to come back; a good time for checks and balances. Everybody has to come and check in. Youth don’t just get to blow that off without checking in. Parents need to find ways to keep on top of things yearly, quarterly, monthly, daily and even hourly at times.
Let me just say something about accountability. Contrary to what some might think, it actually makes children feel loved. Loving strictness makes them feel special and it makes them feel like someone cares about them. Some of the saddest situations I have come across are children and youth who have told me, “My parents really don’t care what I do.” They don’t feel loved. One person I talked to that had gotten caught in an immoral situation said, “I actually wanted to get caught.” They wanted to see if the guardian who was over them cared enough to set some boundaries (they were also afraid of how far they might go). That’s why someone has to do the tough job, somebody has to be the inspector, and somebody has to “look well.” A virtuous mom or dad has checks and balances on their child. They aren’t afraid to say, “No, you need to stay within these boundaries and I’m going to check on you. I don’t care how old you are. If you’re still under our roof, we’re going to check up on you. We want to know who your friends are and where you’re going.” I am a firm believer that this helps them feel loved.
3. Every Area of a Child’s Life is to be Open to the Parent
“She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27).
Solomon states that a diligent mom or dad looks at the “ways” of their son or daughter. No “way” is off limits. I can look into any area of my child’s life…their finances, what they are doing on their phone or computer – anything. A wise parent wants to know, “Whom are you talking to? What are you talking about? What are you writing? What are you drawing? Where are you going?” There is no area that is not open for a parent to look at. Some might object, “Don’t you believe in a right to privacy?” My answer is that my home is not the U.S. government. And besides, nobody has a “right” to immorality anyway. What kind of ridiculous concept is that? You have a right to be illegal? People rationalize by insisting that what we do in our home is our own business. That’s insane! It’s an inalienable right to be immoral? Really? The same thing goes for our children; they don’t have a right to privacy, that’s ridiculous. They have a right to modesty, of course, but not a right to privacy.
4. Parents Should Pay Attention to Body, Soul and Spirit
Physically, parents should look well to their children’s ways. How is their health? What are they eating? Parents should be watching their children’s sleep habits. Are they getting enough sleep? Letting children go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 9 am is unwise. Are they getting enough exercise? It’s a shame to have a 15-year-old boy that can hardly pick up a shovel…can’t work for fifteen minutes without having to sit down. We also need to make sure they are developing skills. Sports can be a good thing. They certainly can be overdone, of course, but I’ve always felt like sports could foster some really good attributes if kept secondary to God and the local church.
Now also mentally, how are they doing? Are they getting a good education? They might be going to school, but are they getting a good education? What about healthy diversion? Do they get a break from school and music practice? Do they have hobbies or games they can play? Are they wholesome? Everybody needs a diversion, parents and children alike. As they are younger, they play more and then as they get older they should play less.
Parents also need to pay attention to spiritual needs. Being a Pastor and being in the ministry, I can tell you how important it is to check up on people spiritually. For most parents this is a weak area, strangely enough. It seems like a lot of parents don’t check up very often on their children spiritually. Are they reading their Bible? We can’t make them get something out of the Bible and we can’t make them love Jesus but are they at least sitting with their Bible open? Maybe they can write out verses. Are they praying? Do they know how to pray? Are they serving in ministry? What are their friendships like? Friendships are a huge issue and we parents need to ask ourselves the question, “Do we really feel like this friendship is hurting or helping them?” In some cases its not that the person is so bad, it’s just that some people seem to be like fire and gas together, they ignite each other! Left alone in separate situations they may be okay, but get them together and you have an explosion.
Parents, look both at body and soul. Some people really care about what their children eat, but it doesn’t even register on their mind to check up on the quality of their spiritual food. Some parents are really into education, but don’t care about friendships. Solomon says that this mom looked well into all their ways. Be diligent to know the state of your sheep.
One of the greatest examples of “looking well” in scripture is Job. He paid attention to every detail in his children’s lives, even those that were a little older. “There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil” (Job 1:1). This guy absolutely hated, as the Bible is very clear, doing wrong. It was a big deal to him that his sons and daughter did the right thing. It was under his constant care and watchfulness. Here’s how Job did it; “And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually” (Job 1:5). He gave offerings to God for them all, not even one was left out. This caring father, in the midst of all of his other business as a landowner and cattleman, rose up early and made sure that the spiritual well being of all of his children was addressed. Job said it might be that my sons and daughters have sinned and cursed God in their hearts. As we go over that little passage, it’s very obvious that Job had blessed them materially. They had homes of their own, he had given an inheritance to them and he probably helped set them up in business. It’s obvious he gave them a good education. He was looking well to their physical lives, but he did not neglect their spiritual lives and that’s what God points out about this father. God didn’t say that he gave a lot of income to charity, or that he had really helped them out scholastically God pointed out that this man hated evil so much and loved God so much that he prioritized doing what he could to help his sons and daughters grow spiritually.
Maybe they had been feasting too much and that was the occasion for this intense time of prayer. Perhaps they had been partying a little too much, and Job, having been “around the horn” knew how partying goes and how that even good partying after a while can get out of hand. He was afraid that it would lead to cursing God (meaning turning from God and His word). When we have time for partying but not time for our Bibles, that’s cursing God.
Job was going to hold them accountable to get back on track. No parent can put grace into his or her children. They can have checks and balances but there’s one thing they cannot do- they cannot make sons and daughters love Jesus or have a moral heart. Still, what he could do he did. He rose up early and sanctified them. That is, he made them God’s special project. That’s what sanctifying does, it makes them Gods target. Job couldn’t make his children serve God, but he could put a target on their back by praying something like, “God I pray that in the name of Jesus you will come after my son or daughter.” It may be days, weeks or months but I tell you that they will not rest easy, and you will see change.
Job nipped this thing in the bud. The minute the feasting was done he said, “Okay gang, let’s get right back on track now.” He did it continually, this guy didn’t just pray for his kids once and that was it, he gave it his heart. It is vital that we pay close attention to every detail of the life of our family. Parenting and having a spouse is certainly, outside of our salvation, the most incredible privilege as well as the greatest delight of our soul. How we need the Holy Spirit to help us on this journey.
