Nothing is dearer to our hearts than our children. Nothing is more precious to us than our grandchildren. It however, is all too easy to just enjoy the cuteness of them without realizing the responsibility that is ours, and ours alone, to mold them into champions for Christ.
Playing with our children is such a fun thing. I’ll always cherish the memories of having fun with them and making good-natured fun of them! It is one of the best parts of parenting, for sure. Those are all beautiful times. However, this is not our main calling as parents. God has called us over and over again to lead our family into wisdom. To help them make moral choices. If we are going to do this successfully we must, as God says, have both the “rod and reproof.”
1. Children Not Only Need to Be Told but Shown
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15).
There is a combination of talk and action that is necessary to impart wisdom into the life of sons and daughters. The word “rod” is a quaint old way of saying corporal punishment. The word “reproof” means to give them a “talking to.” Solomon states that the rod, which works from the outside in, and reproof, which functions from the inside out, are needed to get through to these young minds and hearts.
The word “reprove” is used in scripture several ways. One common meaning is an “argument.” This does not mean we are to get into an argument with children but rather it means to have a “legal argument.” When you have a legal argument and you are coming before the court to pursue litigation, you must have a clear and persuasive statement. There are at least two facets of a good legal argument: clarity and conciseness. They make it as succinct and as clear as possible. In the same way, God says when you talk with your children you need to learn how to give them an argument, make it clear and don’t go on forever.
Sometimes, my directions as a father were not obeyed. When I pursued the matter further, I found out that my instructions were a little (or a lot) vague. Sometimes, in my mind things are clear, but I didn’t communicate that very well. At other times, when I said exactly what I meant, it was amazing how much better things went. Children, we are told, learn by good arguments. They need to be reproved. They need to know what’s good and what’s bad, they need to know what’s evil, what scriptural, what’s right and what’s wrong. We live in a modern world where everything is gray, but there’s still right and there’s still wrong. We need to consider what is rude and what is considerate. Everyone gets a set of values from somewhere. We might get those set of values from our teachers. We also get them from the media. One colleague of mine told me that his “bible” growing up was rock and roll music…now that is scary! The greatest set of clear and concise values comes from the Word of God.
There are three things about the Word of God, as it applies to values and our family. First of all, it’s practical. The amazing and best thing about the Word of God is that it is workable. This world’s values are so up and down. I mean, up one minute and down the next. They work in one era and then they don’t work in the next era but the Word of God is practical, it is balanced and it is sensible. Peter said everything we need for life is found in the knowledge of Christ (2 Peter 1:3). I can tell you for the most part, at least for me, the values and so-called “truths” that I learned in a state high school and college were tainted. I believe I got more usable and accurate life information from kindergarten than my entire High School years! Not to mention the public college I went to. I’m convinced it was bent on destroying the minds of the students under the guise of “broadening horizons.” The values from the Word of God are practical.
Secondly, the Word of God is also proven. During my years, I have watched how public education styles have come full circle. State educators initially decried homeschooling as detrimental to a child’s well being. Now, these same districts offer complete home initiated study programs. It’s a crazy cycle. The Word of God has been in human hands for 6000 years. The values it propounds are proven - they stand the test of time.
The Word of God is practical, proven and thirdly it is positive. The world often characterizes God’s people as negative, but I have found exactly the opposite to be true. The truth is, that the most positive, helpful, upbeat and truly encouraging things come from Bible-believing Christians. Parents need to show children what scripture says. They need to be told and they need to be shown. Sometimes, all that’s needed to get children to obey is to simply tell them. Occasionally that works, but most of the time they will need to be told several times. That is normal. Telling is the first part of what it takes to get the job done. A “reproof” is a wise argument. It is a concise and clear statement of what is expected from them.
Solomon then states that parents must combine reproof with the use of a “rod”; something tangible and shown. The rod is a physical instrument. Parents must show them how to do a task or maintain a character quality. This can be done first of all, through demonstrating a pattern of good works. If parents say something, that’s the “telling,” or the reproof. When parents practice good behavior themselves, they are “showing.” It’s not right to ask children to have a clean room while the parents have a messy room. Parents need to not only tell sons and daughters, but to show them. Showing them outwardly, as a pattern of good works, is actually a form of the rod. It is correcting them through something physical.
The rod is some form of physical discomfort (let’s not restrict our thinking to just spanking). In scripture, God connects the body to the spirit. Christians often focus on the spiritual. We talk about the soul, we’re soul “specialists.” However, believers are integrated beings and as such they are body and soul. It is virtually impossible to separate the two. So then, it is important that our bodies also do the right thing. The body can then become a reproof to the spirit. Using the rod on the body has real impact on the inner life of that person, whether it seems so or not.
2. Never Chastise Without Telling the Moral Principle Behind the Rule
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15).
Chastising is correction. Correction involves discomfort. There are different ways to get the attention of sons and daughters. Once attention is acquired, it is important that the moral principle behind the rule be established. This is the point Solomon is trying to make.
God states that it is both the rod and reproof that gets the job done. In addition to bringing some form of physical discomfort, a “talking to” is also necessary. It is true that the rod is not always necessary, but reproof is. If a reproof alone works then it can be left at that, but never give just the rod alone. I don’t think parents owe children a reason for the rules and consequences in the home (they probably don’t understand it all anyway). Furthermore, I think we actually do ourselves a disservice by over-explaining things. However, with that in mind, I still think it’s important that there is given rational sense to the rule. Whether or not our sons and daughters mental or spiritual level of understanding is there yet, the rationale behind rules needs to be shared. This is especially true when it comes to things that are “preferences.”
Most of the things parents don’t want children to do are personal preferences, that is, they’re not especially “Thou shalt not’s” from scripture. Some examples might be clothing, grooming habits or entertainment. However, there are places in scripture that directs children to obey their fathers and mothers. There are verses about that. Obeying mom and dad is not a preference, it’s a command. If the son is wanting his hair a certain length or the daughter is wanting to put various coloring in her hair (the list never ends), they need to know that whereas there is no specific verse on the matter there is, however, the overarching principle of honoring their father and mother.
Sometimes it’s not a matter of right or wrong, it is just about the rules of the home. If it’s a rule in the home, then to disobey is wrong, and that’s a moral problem. Maybe a conversation with your son could go like this, “Look son, I’m not saying that if your hair is ¾ inch long, then you are bad or if it’s ½ inch long then you are moral…that’s not what I’m saying. You need to understand that this is just one of the rules of our home; it is the way I like your hair to look. The reason I like it because I want you to present yourself at your best. I want you to be a light when you’re out the world. I want you to look like a nice and polished young man. When you get out on your own, you will set the values for your home, but for now you need to follow ours.” Should you discipline your son for leaving the toilet lid up or your daughter for leaving the bathroom a mess? Is it “immoral” to leave the toilet seat up? No, it’s not evil, but it is against the house rules, so therefore, they should not do it.
If we don’t explain the reasons behind our rules it can foster a resistant spirit because rational people know that certain things can’t be bad in and of themselves. For example, let’s say a parent asks their child not to wear all black to avoid association with certain subcultures. Thinking people know that a certain color doesn’t make you moral or immoral. If we call the color black “evil” then this can develop a resistant spirit because they know it’s not inherently evil. Still, a wise and conscientious father knows what’s best for his family and these are the rules.
Could all things parents don’t allow be considered evil? Some yes, but others are just rude and discourteous. One of your jobs as a parent is to instill as many wise values and “rules of behavior” as possible. Putting the toilet seat down when you leave is a good rule because it is courteous to others. Is it a matter of evil? No. Will you get disciplined if you forget? Yes. It’s against the values and preferences of the home, so therefore it does become wrong.
I think at times, good-willed, conservative parents mess up the brains of their sons and daughters because they grow up thinking non-essential things are “evil.” No one has explained the “why” behind the rule. I’ve asked young people in counseling, “Do you know why your parents are asking you to do this or that? Do you know why your mom and dad don’t want you to date someone that is unsaved? No? Well, here’s why, and here’s the reasoning behind it.” Now, of course, they probably do know the reason many times but still, I want my sons and daughters to learn to be discerning. By associating discomfort with bad choices and blessings with good choices, I help them gain the ability to make moral choices. A person with good character makes the moral choice independently and from the heart more often than not.
Parents help the process when they associate pain with wrong choices and blessings with good choices. That is what Solomon means when he said to give the rod and reproof. Parents should not just put the rod on children and then walk away without giving reproof. When they do so, children are left saying to themselves, “What was that all about?”
3. Help Your Children Make Wise Choices
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverb s 29:15).
Notice God’s clear statement about where wisdom comes from – it is given by the rod and reproof. Humans don’t have wisdom naturally. A child “left to himself,” that is, not dealt with concerning their behavior, will bring shame to the family and themselves. Wisdom, which is the applying of godly truth, is something that has to be given. That little baby that I hold in my hands is “foolish.” This is the term scripture uses. We know this foolishness is bound in the heart. For the next 20 years or so it is a parent’s responsibility to give them wisdom.
Human children are not like equine offspring. A mare will drop that little colt and it will soon stand up on those wobbly, spindly legs and it knows where to go to get food. Within hours, it is out grazing and walking around. This ability is called instinct. Instincts are God given traits that help them mature into an adult horse without assistance. Horses don’t have a moral reasoning center. They do not naturally do wrong as humans do, but rather follow instincts. Humans on the other hand do have a moral center called the heart. Our instinct is to do wrong. Wisdom is not natural, it must be given.
How can parents give wisdom? Don’t leave them to themselves, Solomon says. Children don’t make moral choices naturally. If you leave them to their self, they won’t be wise. If you just let them grow up like a horse grows up, they won’t be wise. Horses grow up to be “good” horses without moral training, but humans don’t. If you leave a horse to itself, it will be a perfectly fine horse, but you cannot leave a child to itself.
How can a parent help a son and daughter to get wisdom? Do some physical things – the rod. Do some emotional and mental things – reproof. Some parents have gotten the message of helping their children physically. In response, they put them in soccer, make them eat healthy foods and make the child do their homework. That is all well and good, but God states that it is far more important to give them wisdom because wisdom is what is going to carry them through life victoriously. People have good marriages because they’re wise, not because they were good at soccer. People have peace filled homes because they are wise, not because they acquired computer skills.
Children aren’t going to have God’s wisdom unless they are guided into it. Parents have a responsibility to give children a “legal argument”, that is reproof. Clear, concise rules and values that are practical, positive and Biblical must be relayed. Parents, don’t let your children get their values from Disney, from school, from your extended family or your culture. Don’t let them get values from anything else other than the Bible! Give them the Word. Help them know and understand what God says. Lay the Word out and then, if they don’t follow it, give them some pain and discomfort. Help them make moral choices, associate good behavior with blessings, associate consequences with bad behavior. If you will systematically and faithfully, day after day, month after month, year after do this, God says that you will do your part in making a champion for Christ!
This doesn’t mean parents should be helicopter parents hovering over them, “Did you pick up your socks…did you wash your ears…did you do your homework?” Let’s not do that, just give them the facts and then hold them responsible for the consequences. Constantly reminding children doesn’t give them wisdom. Let them make choices and then hold them accountable for those choices. Show them that wise choices bring blessings, negative choices bring consequences.
People need the message, but they also need a messenger, “How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?” (Romans 10:14). It is impossible for these children to get saved and to believe on Christ and to have wisdom unless they’ve heard. They have to have heard something. What is it that they have to hear? They have to hear the Word. They have to see the Word in action. Children can read it, they can listen to it, and they can see it on TV or a computer or see it lived out in the home. People need messengers. Every mom is a preacher. Every father is a preacher. Parents, you are a preacher. Children and youth are your congregation. Preach it! Live it!
