We only have one chance to raise our children. I would hate to get to the end of it and have to say, “Boy, that strategy sure didn’t work very well.” It might be ok to try some new ideas out when it comes to decorating the house or golf, but when it comes to children we must not play games. Let’s do it God’s way.
Godly friends are truly a gift from God. Aristotle said, “The antidote for fifty enemies is just one friend.” Isn’t it amazing the power and energy one good friend can give? An anonymous writer once said, “There are big ships and there are small ships but the best ship of all is friendship.” I can tell you that your ship will sink if you don’t have good friends. Godly friends are absolutely imperative. We may have but a few intimate or close friends over our lifetime, so we must be careful to discern and choose the ones that have a positive influence versus a negative one.
Solomon links friends to family, and gives inspired instruction on how to discern friendships. He tells children that they should be good to family friends and should always hold a special place in their heart for godly friends of parents.
1. Understand the Levels of Friendship
According to this verse, there are brothers and then there are neighbors. By this distinction, Solomon is discerning different levels of friendships. He advises not to go to your brother during tough times if that brother is not especially close or if he is not a Christian. It’s true you may have a blood relationship, but it would be better to go to a godly friend that you have fellowship with and that there is a closeness to. It is not necessary that our family members be our closest friends (especially if they are not on the same wave length spiritually), though it is a blessing when family are friends and godly as well. When Jesus started His ministry, He picked a rag-tag group of twelve men you might call, the good the bad and the ugly! Among these disciples, we have a pair of brothers, James and John. Not only were they blood brothers but also co-ministers in the Lord. What a privilege it must have been to be able to minister together and to be friends that are family as well.
Friendships are very important for us, and they are very important to God. The reason they are important to God is because they have such tremendous influence on us. We’ve seen this in our raising children over the years. Friends, perhaps more than just about any other source, have influence on our children. That’s one reason, for example, why my wife and I allowed our elementary children to attend a Christian school but then chose to have our high-school youth homeschooled. Why? Because of the very real possibility of negative peer pressure, especially during the teen years. We always felt like we could sacrifice a little educational quality if need be, for a higher moral quality. I know in the end if they are able to read well and they become motivated, they WILL get an education on their own. However, you can’t re-teach morals, it’s a onetime shot. Let’s not take a chance at having some rebellious Absalom steal the heart of our son or daughter.
It’s vital to understand levels of friendships and the responsibilities we have within those levels. Here is a friendship outline that I heard years ago that is sure to be a blessing to you as it has been to me.
There are 4 levels and responsibilities in Friendships:
Level 1- Acquaintance
An acquaintance is an occasional contact. Like the folks we meet at the mini-market, the UPS man or customers we serve. There are some good activities we can do with them: learn their name, asking them general questions like, “Are you married?” or, “Do you have children?” or, “Where do you live?” We have to relate to “bad” people because we’re all bad at one time. The only way we can become good is if we get saved! So, when we meet people, no matter how grouchy or how out right nasty they are, if we can, we should try and break through that ice. I have kind of made this my little “hobby.” When I’m forced to deal with a negative person that I meet at a store, for example, then I make it a goal to try and make this person smile. We can relate to anybody at this level, and we should. Because it demonstrates acceptance and it helps them know we’re God’s people. Even just a smile can be a great witness for God.
Level 2 - Casual Friendship
Casual friendships often are those relationships that we are thrust into because of work, hobby, sport, club or church. We are required to spend more time with them, so the friendship naturally goes deeper. On this level of friendship we are able to ask more personal questions, such as their goals or dreams in life. They may or may not be believers. It doesn’t really make a whole lot of difference at this point, as we just want to do what we can to reach out to them. This is a level, however, that we must begin to exercise caution in regards to socializing. In the New Testament, Paul told the Corinthian church that you’re going to have to be careful because there are some people you just can’t socialize with. Paraphrased he said, “You can’t eat with them, because I’m afraid you’ll learn their ways” (1 Cor. 5:11). Solomon also said the same thing about angry people – you can’t hang out with a bitter person because it will be a snare to you (Prov. 22:24, 25). At this level, some cautions have to come in. You may have to learn some avoidance techniques such as changing the subject to keep from getting caught up in the garbage and drama.
Level 3 - Close Friendship
Close friendship is the beginning of true fellowship. There is no way to have true fellowship with somebody if you don’t have a oneness of spirit with him or her. There’s no way then, to have fellowship with a non-believer. That’s why it’s never going to work if a believer marries an unbeliever, because you can’t have true fellowship. If you can’t have fellowship, your marriage is never going to have intimacy. If you don’t have intimacy then that’s not really a marriage, it’s just a living arrangement. True fellowship requires that both people have similar life goals. The goal for Christians, is to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. I have noticed that when a relationship grows between two people who are active members of the same church there tends to be an exceptional closeness and strength in their connection. This could be because they might work together on the building, drama production or in the school or other service projects. These common spiritual activities build friendships that are strong and so enduring. This is truly the fellowship level.
Level 4 - Intimate Friendship
Intimate friendship is the deepest friendship level of all. This level is really a Jonathan and David type of friendship. It is one that is characterized by honesty and humility. There is openness, vulnerability and integrity. It is the kind of friendship that says, “Your burden is my burden, your hope is my hope and your prayer is my prayer.” Perhaps the most important thing about this relationship is that this person becomes your prayer partner. Intimate friends pray for each other. That, I believe is our number one responsibility as a friend because we simply cannot always be there for them, but we can always pray for them. Our family have jobs and lives, so we can’t always enjoy the time with them we might like. We can’t always have money for them. But we can always pray, and that is the greatest thing someone can do for another person.
When you’re teaching children about friendships, share the following two principles: First, let God choose your friends. Let’s learn to stand for God, and if need be, to stand alone. Second, never make a close or intimate friendship with a person who rejects the Word of God, or is a disobedient Christian. “They’re a Christian, Dad” your child might object. But that’s not enough. There are levels of friendship that we owe everybody but there is an intimacy we can have only with those who love the Word of God.
2. Make Contact
“Thine own friend, and thy father’s friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy calamity:” (Proverbs 27:10).
We must stay connected to some degree, to our friends and our father’s friends. That doesn’t mean that we have a sleepover ever week or that we have to go out to lunch with them once a month. It does mean that we should do what we can to make and stay in contact. We may not be able to keep in contact with the guy down at the mini market and we may not be able to keep in contact with the people at work like we would like to, but God says we have a responsibility to not forsake our friends. Sometimes, our friends can get rather surly but God says don’t forsake them. They may be going through a rough patch and could use your input. If they are true friends, they will let you speak your peace and lovingly point out blind spots.
Solomon’s son Rehoboam got himself in big trouble because he didn’t follow this very important advice from his dad. He listened to his friends instead and got himself into a mess and the whole nation of Israel split as a result of it (1 Kings 12). Those “old geezers”, that are our father’s and mother’s friends, can actually be a great source of friendship. They know us and love us regardless. It doesn’t mean that we always have to spend a lot of time with them. An anonymous writer once wisely mused that true friends can grow separately without growing apart. True friendship is okay with silence. In fact, I’ve notice that there is actually something special about long distance relationships. It seems like it goes beyond the surface level of just physically being together. It allows you to focus more on things where there is a commonness of spirit.
For example, there are certain Christian friends that I have an ongoing texting relationship with. I don’t even have to say, “Hi, how are you...How’s it going?” We just kind of pick up the conversation where we left off last time, even if was months ago! Or out of the blue I will get a random text. It’s a comfortable feeling. He lets me do what I have to do and I let him do what he has to do, and if he can’t get back to me, there are no hurt feelings because of the freedom and ease that come with a secure friendship. Real friends are those that try to stay in contact. Family friends can be very helpful for building security in a child’s life.
3. Seek Godly Advice
“Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel…” (Proverbs 27:9a).
Good counsel sweetens life. You’ve perhaps heard the statement, “you can’t see the forest for the trees.” This is a saying to remind us about blind spots. Sometimes we get lost and need someone to say, “Hey, here’s some things for you to consider.” Ointment can be very soothing and so can good counsel. Sometimes, ointment stings for a little bit, but then it promotes healing.
Good counsel is “hearty.” The word hearty in this verse actually means, “from the soul.” Advice that comes from the heart goes to the heart. Hearty counsel is counsel where a friend simply tells us truth as openly and as lovingly as they possibly can. Real friends don’t want friends to get into things that are going to hurt their marriage, home or life. A real friend will even tell on them if need be. It is as simple as this, if you love somebody you are not going to allow him or her to go the wrong way, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).
A real friend promotes spiritual maturity. A real friend is accepting, but helps us to become what we could and should be. Some people have the concept that friends just accept us as we are. That is such a weak definition of friendship. While that is “nice,” that’s not a true friend. A true friend is someone who cares about us enough to say, “I know where you’re at, I know what’s going on and I still love you. I love you so much that I’m not going to lie to you and look the other way.” A real friend wants positive change for them.
Notice what God likens good counsel to, perfume. It is nice for our creature comforts. There’s really no medicinal help to perfume. Perfume can be costly and its only real quality is that it makes things smell better. Amen for that! God says that good friends are good for the nose. Good friends don’t always have to do a lot except just be there. Sometimes Pauline and I will be driving along and she’ll be chattering away when all of the sudden she’ll catch herself and say, “I’m talking a lot aren’t I?” “Actually, it’s very comforting to me”, I will tell her. Her pleasant conversation makes me feel good. Especially after I have dealt with all kinds of people stuff. It’s a release, just perfume that’s all. A good friend may not have any great counsel to give except a smile, that’s perfume! Or maybe a pat on the back, nothing earth shaking or deeply spiritual about it, it’s just perfume. Godly friendship is perfume. Over the years, people have done little “perfume things” that have left a big impression.
One day, a brother in church heard my dad was dying. He heard I was headed to the hospital and asked to go with me, just to be there. I told him that he had too much to do but he said, “no, please let me go, I’ll just hang out…I don’t have to be there with the doctor, I just want to be there for you,” and so he did. He just sat there and hardly said a word (frankly, I really didn’t want to talk much anyway.) He carried my big bag of books. For some reason that meant so much to me. That is what is meant by perfume. Over the years, I’ve noticed how sweet good friendships are. Good friends are cheaper than good therapy! People spend a lot of money on psychiatrists when you could just go make a few friends and get a lot better results.
4. Learn How to Moderate Expectations
If we’re going to teach about friendships to our children, then they need to know about giving their expectations to God. A lot of problems arise with our friendships because we have too many expectations. Proverbs 27:10 tells Christians NOT to go into their brothers’ house in days of adversity. What? What is God talking about here? God’s Word is so wise (you just can’t get such wise teaching anywhere else)! God said that we should not presume upon our relatives; whether it be financially, time wise or upon their home, just because they’re blood relatives. Rather, we need to give our expectations to the Lord. If we have expectations about what mom and dad are going to do, or if we have expectations about grandparents or siblings, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Sadly, I have seen so many people, who the minute they have a problem, especially financial, run to mom and dad or they run to the grandparents or to some brother or sister. If they don’t run to them, they certainly have expectations that mom and dad should do this for them. Too many adult children in modern America are on the freebee “gravy train” conducted by their parents. They develop an unhealthy dependency upon relatives. This is a recipe for heartache.
Not all people have the blessing of having blood relatives who are Christians. Even less, are privileged to have strong Christians as relatives. When relatives are nominal Christians, they have a whole different set of values. Be careful about expectations and associations. Christians with strong values have to limit their requests from weaker brethren or risk exposing God’s Word to ridicule.
Blood relatives should not necessarily be the first line of defense for Christians. God is advising us to be sparing in your expectations of relatives. Someone once said that godly friends are relatives that you make for yourselves. Many people have found that godly friends of the family become closer than those we would call “blood.”
Some online companies are dedicated to help you get “friends” regardless if they truly are or not. For example, if you “Facebook”, it looks better when you have many “likes” on your page. There are online companies now from which you can buy 500 likes for $30. You’ve just bought a lot of friends! Basically, you’re buying your popularity. Real friendship is not about buying it, it’s about having and sharing godly values. Let’s teach our family to stay in contact, keep friendships in good repair and certainly don’t leave off our family friends.
