Decades of parenting has brought me to the conclusion that, despite my occasional successes, God’s Word ALWAYS rings true! Strictness with a child or youth may seem hard-core, even archaic, but wise correction actually grows the spiritual life of a son or daughter. At first, it might not seem that the two are connected but, in fact, as we will see, they are.
1. Wise Correction Only Helps
“…if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die” (Proverbs 23:13).
Correction is not going to kill them. Junior is not going to die by going an hour without food. He is not going to pass out because you made him get up early. They may squirm and cry like they are dying but it only helps. Wise discomforts, as the situation warrants, are a great help.
There are some misconceptions about discipline that we should talk about here. Some imagine that strictness is going to hurt a child’s self-esteem. We need to understand that the most important thing in life is not how I treat myself, but how I treat God. The highest level of self-esteem occurs in the life of the person who has a good relationship with the Lord. When I am able to bring my child into a right relationship with God, I have actually done the best thing for their self-esteem. A parent never hurts self-esteem by bringing their child or young person into alignment with Scripture.
Another misconception is when people say that if you “hit” (spank) your child you’re going to create a violent child. I suppose if a parent actually hit the child like a boxer or something then, yes, they are at risk of becoming maladjusted. Corporal punishment that is not administered according to well thought out boundaries, certainly isn’t helpful. A parent never has a right to slap a child up side the head, or to inflict their anger just because they’re in a bad mood. Thoughtful chastisement, on the other hand, actually gives a way for children to get the burden of their sin lifted and resolved. Everybody needs to be cleansed from sin. I know for me, the more I neglect getting right with God and the more I just let sins pile up, the meaner I get. I get to the point where I’m as fussy as a junkyard dog! I can recall one time Lynette telling me, “Honey, you probably don’t even realize this, but I think you need to go read your Bible and talk to Jesus…you are grouchy.” And she was right. I just was getting meaner and meaner because I was letting things pile up.
When that little two-year-old butterball starts clenching their fist, setting their jaw and determining not to obey, they need cleansing! And that’s exactly what a six-year-old needs or a sixteen-year-old needs too. There is good purpose in appropriate pain. God uses discomfort to teach them that certain behavior is not good. Like when my grandson put his hand on the oven and got a terrible burn. I tell you what, he goes nowhere near the oven door now!
What are the benefits of a lovingly strict home? There are at least four:
Stability – A child that comes from a strict home is more stable. I’ve noticed that my children always thrive on routine and predictability. When they understand the rules and when they become convinced that there’s going to be appropriate consequences every time (not just sometimes), but every time a rule is violated, they seem more at ease. If a son or daughter knows what your reaction as a parent will be, and if you talk about it, then it creates great stability and a sense of justice. If they can trust in their heart that you’re not going to fly off the handle in anger, it gives them peace. Even though as a parent your heart is grieved when you observe misbehavior, try and stay as calm as possible and enforce the consequences like an impartial judge, and you will create stability.
Achievement – Children, who have strict parents that urge practice, dedication and excellence in everything from grades to musical instruments, accomplish more. Strict parents expect sons and daughters to try their best. They teach them the value of hard work. When a child tries hard and then sees good results, they are motivated to try even harder. They then realize that when you do a good job, there are rewards. Sometimes they get rewards from their peers and sometimes from adults. Achievement then builds self-confidence.
Mental Health – The media is quick to put out negative things about children that come from so called traditional, middle class, protestant, Mid-America, conservative homes. However, the Department of Education at Texas A & M University did a study on “traditional” parenting. They followed 100 traditional Chinese-American families (Chinese-American families are known for a stricter parenting practice). Their research determined that these children had significantly more positive mental health than their counterparts of less strict homes. Of course, the media will always find someone to interview who will whine, “My oppressive, conservative upbringing ruined me.” Studies and experience has shown nothing could be further from the truth.
Reduced Social Risk – Studies show that teenagers who come from strict homes are 50% less likely to be involved in drugs and alcohol. Youth are more likely to make wise decisions when parents have been steady and strict and have laid out well-defined boundaries. It is so important to hold children accountable, nobody else can do it...it is the parent’s job. Parents have been given the responsibility to “Pastor” (shepherd) sons and daughters into a spiritual life.
2. Godly, Serious Discipline is a Spiritual Event
“Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:14).
God says that when wise correction is given, that is age appropriate and is carried out consistently, sons and daughters grow spiritually. Wise correction is not taking a teenager, tying them to a post and lashing them like they do in some 3rd world country. Wise correction is not making a child walk around with a billboard that says, “I’m a brat.” But rather, they are unpleasant consequences accompanied with prayer.
Simply put, God is saying that a few minutes of wise discipline is as good as a one-hour sermon! If you want to deliver the soul of your child from the clutches of the devil, then discipline them. This is not just about enforcing personal preferences. We’re talking about a doing a spiritual thing for our family when we hold them accountable to clearly defined boundaries. Nobody gets the right to act like they want to. It is important for children to get the message as they grow up, that when you step outside the boundaries you have to pay the consequences. Parents must not fall into the habit of excusing away negative behavior because they ate too many fruit loops or because they were not praised enough. Imagine going to your job and getting to act and do whatever you like, and then getting to blame the boss because he was not nice enough. Really? Wow. No, we are supposed to do what’s right because it’s right.
The New Testament reminds us that sin needs to appear as sin, “Was then that which is good made death unto me? God forbid. But sin, that it might appear sin, working death in me by that which is good; that sin by the commandment might become exceeding sinful” (Romans 7:13). Do you know what put Jesus on the cross? Sin. Yes, my lying put Jesus on the cross. Is a white lie just a little problem? Whatever put our Savior on the cross is not a little issue. The incredible value of the Bible is seen in that it reveals just how exceedingly sinful every human really is. Becoming broken over sin is the way to understand God’s heart (Psalm 51:17). I’ve noticed over the years, in the area of personal evangelism, that people who break the deepest seem to rise the highest. That is, they become the most powerful Christians. When people don’t experience a deep brokenness over their sin, they are stunted. Discipline is a serious matter. I know it’s important to get our sons to soccer practice. I know it’s important to make sure that daughters practice their violin, but how much more important would it be to bring them close to the heart of God.
When it comes to actually carrying through with discipline, everything else has to stop. For example, if we are in the car going somewhere, we stop the car. Perhaps you can get out and go some place private if there are others in the vehicle. Then we have to rebuke them followed by chastisement. It’s time for “church.” We deliver their soul from hell. Delivering a soul from hell sounds like a church service to me, and church is important! We’re going to have a spiritual time. I’m going to Pastor my child and shepherd them to the Savior. Scripture doesn’t say, “Make sure they do crafts, and they’ll turn out to be a good Christian.” The Bible does not state, “Make sure that they go to all the teen parties.” No, God says very clearly that the best steps I can take to bring my child to heaven, is by correcting them wisely.
Now, discipline is never to be mean-spirited or in any way unloving. Your speech should always be with as gentle a tone as possible. Of course, a kindly manner is not always possible or even best. There are times when as a parent you are so grieved over their sin (especially if they are hurting others or bringing reproach to the name of God), that you must rebuke sharply (Titus 1:13).
Good discipline takes five to fifteen minutes to do kindly, thoroughly and prayerfully. If you have several children less than ten years of age, it can get tiresome. They can just line up at the father’s door one at a time for their “counseling” appointments. It can get brutal. Confronting sin is not an easy task. No wonder wives need their husbands to man-up and take care of business, it’s no fun.
I don’t know if there is a more serious part of parenting than delivering a soul from hell. This matter of good discipline is not a small thing. If I’m reading this verse correctly, I, as a parent can have a deep influence on whether or not my son or daughter chooses heaven or hell! Their choice to serve God is not based on if I took them to Six Flags, but that I corrected them lovingly and thoroughly. Let every parent pray for strength. Don’t fret, just cry out to your Heavenly Father for His help in the wonderful job of leading a family to Christ through loving justice.
