I believe that parents ought to have some fun and that families ought to enjoy themselves. Some parents would do well to loosen up a little. We all need to laugh. Kids should get to see dad dance around and embarrass them! Fun brings a level of connection that perhaps no other thing could. I don’t think that our homes ought to resemble a North Korean labor camp. I am a firm believer that we ought to have warmth in our family, but at the same time, we must be a parent who is willing to say no. The modern parent desires and seems obligated to say yes to everything a child or a teenager requests. It is really hard for some parents, myself included, to say no, but I want to give us all permission to say no to junior once in a while, in fact, maybe even a lot.
Parents must not be afraid to put their foot down. Parents long to “be friends” with their children, who wouldn’t? Friends are special. In life we might have many friends, but we’ll only ever have one set of parents and parents need to be the parent! Dads need to be the dad and moms need to be the mom. It seems to me like there has been a shift in parenting of late. The dial seems to be angling over to the accommodating of immaturity. In fact, even more than accommodating it seems like sometimes we are becoming enablers. No parent wants to be known as hard-core and unreasonable, but in reality, the most loving thing that you can do is help your children break the cycle of sin. Let’s examine how God says we can do just that.
In my opinion, this proverb reveals the number one most practical parenting truth, especially in the context of thee younger, primary years. There are 5 facts in this single sentence that I believe will be helpful with understanding the sin nature and discipline:
1. Humans are Totally Depraved
I know it is hard to look at a little chubby baby and call them a sinner! How could these precious little bundles of joy be anything but the most perfect and incredible little things in the world? Children are a wonderful gift from God. The fact is, however, every child has a sin nature. This nature is woven into the very fibers of their DNA.
The word “depraved” is certainly a loaded word. It is even a point of debate in the theological word. Are human beings basically good by nature or bad? How we answer this question has a bearing on how we raise children. To be a Bible-believer, we have to believe the fact that humans are basically bad. That’s a hard thing for many to wrap their heads around, but a literal interpretation of Scripture points to the clear fact that we are all morally depraved.
A good working definition of depravity is this: man’s natural condition apart from God’s grace in his heart. The only thing in me that desires to do right is Christ!
Notice what this verse says, “foolishness is bound in the heart…” Foolishness describes our fundamental relationship to God and secondarily our relationship with mankind. Depravity means that all of us are capable of any sin. Would you admit to the fact that you are capable of any sin? Humans in rebellion to God are capable of anything! Apart from the grace of God, humans have no delight in the holiness of God. Apart from the grace of God there is no glad submission to His authority. Mankind simply does not like to submit themselves to sovereignty of God. In my original state (unconverted), there is no enjoyable obedience to the laws of God. I don’t really like the laws of God. They irritate me, bother me, and create a problem for me. This does not mean that a depraved person cannot be nice. It doesn’t mean that they can’t be philanthropic and good to mankind. It doesn’t mean that they can’t even be religious. What total depravity does mean is that those very actions of kindness and magnanimous giving to the poor and positive humanness are actually done in rebellion to God.
Everything that an unsaved person does is in rebellion to God. Jesus rebuked some “nice” religious people, “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness” (Matthew 23:27).
All humans are totally, irrevocably, absolutely and completely depraved. Paul said the same thing in Romans 7:18, “For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing…” Have you ever come to a moment when you’ve recognized your own depravity? That moment when it finally dawns on you that really, inside your heart, there dwells no good thing is the point that precedes being saved.
Let’s apply this understanding to our children. When we ask ourselves, “Why are they like this? Why are they so foolish and rebellious?” The answer is that while there might be multiple contributing factors, ultimately, the reason they misbehave is because all humans have a sin nature and need saving.
2. Sin is Foolishness
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;” (Proverbs 22:15).
Sin is foolishness, it really is. What other word can we have for our own sin, or that of others? We routinely see grown men and women who have achieved the highest levels of fame and fortune, throw it all away for some sexting scandal or in some ridiculous fling. We shake our heads and wonder, “How can that be?” Because it’s foolish…sin is foolishness!
Why do my children do what they do? There’s only one reason - foolishness! We often cite boredom or being over tired as the cause for temper tantrums or misbehavior, or perhaps they’ve “had too much sugar” or maybe they were provoked or have low self-esteem. It’s true that all of those things can be contributing factors. At times, we parents hardly give our children a fighting chance at defeating sin. Parents that are bickering, living worldly or neglecting God’s word retard positive growth.
Yet having said all that, there are still going to be situations of sin that don’t make any logical sense. Sin is frustrating in our own lives. Some of our own actions and attitudes just don’t make any sense, but we do it anyway! That, which is frustrating in our own lives, is equally or even more disappointing about our children. We look at them and say, “Why did they do this?” It’s simply because of foolishness. That foolishness is bound in the heart of each child.
3. Foolishness is Bound in the Heart of a Child
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;” (Proverbs 22:15).
Not only are adult humans depraved, children are as well. The sad fact is, we bring a sin nature into the world with us, and then we practice it as soon as we have a chance to. There is certainly an age of innocence from birth until usually about three or four years old where there is no moral accountability. Nevertheless, we cannot overemphasize the importance of realizing that children are still born with a sin nature and will grow up at odds with God. They need to be saved and to know the Lord Jesus Christ. Our biggest goal then is to bring them to a point of knowing that they are sinful before God, and are in need of Savior.
Today, there is a self-love culture that tells parents if they curtail their child in any way, it will break their spirit. Scripture points out, however, that the bigger concern is that a child gets to the point of seeing that they are sinful before God and need a Savior. Even little ones can miss heaven, “Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish” (Matthew 18:14). Those are the very words of Jesus. Jesus, the loving, sweet, kind and incredibly wonderful Savior looked at children and basically said, “Loved ones, my Father does not want these children to go to hell, but they will unless get born-again.”
Jesus had to cast demons out of children. Yes, children! Maybe the environment they lived in exposed them to sinful ideas. Or maybe they opened themselves up to sin through curiosity as in the case of a young man I met when he revealed that he had been drinking alcohol since he was twelve. Can you even imagine? My heart hurts just thinking about it all. We must face the fact that even children are depraved by nature.
4. Sin is Bound to the Soul
“Foolishness is bound in the heart…” (Proverbs 22:15).
Sin is bound to the heart of a child. The word bound means to tie something. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could read the verse this way, “Sin is found in the heart of a child.” Then we could postulate that sin is found in only certain children or sin is found in certain races or sin is found in certain groups. Perhaps it would be because they are from a third-world country or they aren’t educated. Similar to how researchers talk today of a “criminal mind” as though some people have a bent toward criminal behavior and others don’t. No, I wish I could say that this was true, but it isn’t.
You might be tempted to say that sin is only temporary, “Occasionally my child has sin in their heart…occasionally, but not very often.” No, the Bible says that sin is bound in the heart of every child. It may seem that one child in a family has more issues than the others, but don’t be fooled, they all have issues with sin. In one child it might be more overt than the others, but all are sinners. In one it might be more passive and in another it might be more active, but every child deals with sin, it is a constant challenge. There is good news, however, even though sin is bound in the heart, that doesn’t mean it has to stay there. It means that there is a battle ahead.
In the area where I live, we have lots of walnut orchards. If you were to look at an individual walnut tree closely, you will notice that the trunk is very rough but the upper tree and branch portions are quite smooth. That is because they have found that a Black Walnut trunk and an English Walnut top, produces a better nut. The process of binding the two tree types together is called “grafting.” When you bind the two together they eventually grow and become one. In the same way, sin was grafted into us through Adam’s sin and has become our nature.
When I was growing up, my dad, being the good navy man that he was, tried to teach me how to tie certain knots, but I was only able to master the granny knot. He tried to teach me a bowline knot and insisted it virtually couldn’t be untied, that it always stays and gives you a little loop to work with. I never could figure out how to do it though! When you think about it, all of us are tied to sin with a bowline knot. Foolishness is bound to my soul. We look at our children and would like to think that their sin nature is not as much as that child over there. No, every child has the same sin nature. We might blame the school or church or maybe the youth group for their sin nature. No, they got their sin nature from Adam and Eve.
Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why is my teenager so dumb to have gotten into that vice?” Well, that’s just the way sin is. Sin is not logical, it’s a spirit. It’s a spirit of disobedience Paul said (Eph. 2:2). I’ve talked with people who say, “I really don’t get it, I can read my Bible in the morning, have a time of prayer and then all of the sudden, I just get sinful ideas to go do something, and I’ll go do it!” How is that possible we ask? It’s because of a spirit of foolishness that just grabs onto us and sabotages our mind. That doesn’t mean that we can’t win the victory. This also doesn’t mean that we can’t be held responsible or accountable for what we do just because we have a sin nature. The point God is making here is to not be discouraged as a parent. Don’t give up. Even after you have disciplined once, twice or three times, don’t be discouraged.
5. Only Discomfort Works in Correcting Misbehavior
“…but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15).
The ONLY cure for foolishness, we are told, is a rod of correction. Wouldn’t it be great if a parent could say to their little child, “Sweetheart, don’t do that again” and they would respond, “Okay, daddy” and then never, ever did the negative behavior again? Wouldn’t that be an incredible feeling, just tell to them once? If you have been a parent for more than thirty seconds, you know that just doesn’t happen very often. Most of the time we tell them once, twice, three times and even more, until we start saying the words, “How many times have I told you?”
Solomon says only a “rod” works. The word for rod in the Hebrew Bible means something like a small wispy branch or switch. Its been said that a couple of swats at the seat of education can do wonders! At certain ages, 18 months to perhaps 10 years, a crisp swat or two (or several) is appropriate (I always used a thick belt so as to not injure them with something hard like a hand or paddle). After the age of 10 or so the “switching” should be some form of attention getting that causes pain or discomfort rather than a spanking. When I say “pain,” I’m not referring to anything abusive or unreasonable, but maybe something like grounding them (not from regular church services though).
We all know that the ONLY way to get the point across to some people is to add pain into the mix. For example, let’s say that you see a sign posted – “Speed Limit 55 mph.” The only way to get us to obey that law is to put some pain behind the enforcing of it. I’m not going to much care about speed laws unless there’s a punch behind that law. But if they put a big sign up that warns, “Speeding tickets will be $381”, I, for one, am going to listen! Penalties and pain are the only thing that work. The point here is that parents are to be God’s designated PI’s (pain inflictors.)
I don’t know of anyone who likes to confront others. I know I certainly don’t like to. I don’t like feeling like I’m a prison guard. However uncomfortable, parents are given a responsibility by God to inflict discomfort. Always within the bounds of reason and always in a loving manner of course, but it is the parent’s job. It’s not right to make the policeman hold our sons and daughters accountable. It’s not right to make the judges or teachers do that job. I feel compassion for the teachers in our Christian schools. Some parents bring in their children and say, “You correct them, you train them, and you change them.” No, that’s the parent’s job. Teachers and administrators can support the process, but it’s dad’s job. It’s mom’s job. Drill sergeants are not the most loved people in the world, but they are the person we like when it comes to a time of battle. Who else is going to hold that soldier accountable if it’s not the drill sergeant? Their job is to make a soldier. It’s a parent’s job to be as benevolent drill sergeant.
Parents are also coaches. Coaches aren’t always the friendliest of people, but when that athlete wins the trophy, they love their coach! A judge is not always the most loved person, but when you’re the victim and justice has been served, you love the judge! In truth, a parent’s job, as it applies to correction, is part drill sergeant, part coach and part judge. The child who has been pulled and pushed and counseled and worked over, is the kind that grows up to be a blessing to the world and to get a blessing from God. Parents only stifle blessings by not making children learn that their job is to obey the things of God.
Notice what this verse says; it is the rod of correction that gets the job done. It does not say, “Have a nice talk with them, reason with them, give them a pillow so they can hit it and beat on it to get rid of their anger.” It does not say, “Let them express themselves if they want to, write on walls if they want to or scream at you and say what they feel about you.” All of that stuff is a sack of humanist garbage! The only thing that gets their attention is discomfort.
This verse says, foolishness has to be “driven out.” It does not say that foolishness goes out sweetly or nicely. You have to drive it from them. That sounds to me like repetitive action. That sounds to me like it’s not easy. That sounds to me like you have to confront them. That sounds to me like you have to do this very seriously and intentionally…and that would be right.
See that the rod drives foolishness “far” from them. You might ask, “Does that also mean that correction drive the grace of God into my children?” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. What does happen is that while I don’t drive grace into the heart of my child and while I can’t correct my child into being saved, I can eliminate distractions. And the more distractions I eliminate, the more likely and prepared they are to receive the grace of God; the more likely they are to become a true child of God. I can help remove barriers out of their life so that they can concentrate enough to receive the gospel.
It’s much like a drunk person. When a person is under the influence, you pretty much have to get them sober before you can get them saved due to the distraction of chemicals. When our children are drunk with misbehavior and drunk with the spirit of rebellion, we’ve got to sober them up so they can open up their heart to the Spirit of God. Nobody ever corrected their child into the kingdom of God but we can, thanks be unto God, drive barriers away so that there is a clear path to salvation.
