It is one of the deep passions of my life to do all I humanly can, to raise a generation of sold-out-for-God, Bible-loving children and youth. Discipline is vital part of training champions for God. George Washington in a letter to the Virginia Regiment said, “Discipline is the soul of an army; it makes small numbers formidable; it procures success to the weak and esteem to all.” In other words, a small army that’s disciplined can achieve great exploits beyond its number. Helen Keller said, “One painful duty fulfilled makes the next plainer and easier.” When you nip things in the bud and get things done quickly and in efficient order, you help your family move on to the next stage.
What really defines discipline and why is it so important? Discipline helps us operate by principle, say no to our impulses, and stay in control of our appetites rather than vice versa. Discipline allows truth to rule in our life. At it’s best; discipline is a form of teaching inner controls. We get our word “disciple” from the word discipline. A disciple is really just a fully committed follower of Christ that maintains godly disciplines. If you are going to instill godly discipline in the life of your child, it’s important to start early. Setting boundaries early on helps everyone.
The word “chasten” doesn’t especially mean spanking. It certainly could include that. What it really means is to “admonish.” Chasten also means to instruct. In this verse, God cautions about becoming a doting, wishy-washy parent. If you are going to be a wise parent, then it is more than just punishing and making sure you lay down the law. Truly wise parenting is caring enough to provide good, clear instruction, and then following through to make sure they follow it, and, that they do so all the way to the end. It’s just a fact of life that some children need more strictness than others, but every child needs firm direction. Some children will move into a self-governing, young adult mind quicker than others, but all need firm direction as they go through life. Families flourish with someone at the helm that is giving their family direction.
Sometimes, this direction is going to take the form of very rigorous guidance. I always get a kick out of book titles like, “Training the Strong-Willed Child.” Are you kidding me? Every child is strong willed! Every one of us are self willed, which is exactly why we need to be saved. God said in Ephesians 2 that all humans are, “children of disobedience.” It is true that some hide it more than others. Some children are more deceptive about self-will than others. In fact, my experience with people has been, sometimes those that are the quietest are actually the strongest willed! They come across all syrupy and sweet, but breaking that can prove to be like cracking granite.
Two Keys to Timely Discipline:
1. Don’t Wait
“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Proverbs 19:18).
This verse is saying that if we let negative issues go on too long, it becomes next to impossible to break them. Take care of matters today. When something is wrong, then take care of it. Check it out immediately. Lying doesn’t get better by waiting. Immoral behavior doesn’t get better by waiting. Sometimes we would rather take a “wait and see” approach. I certainly would advise praying about it, but at the same time, we must deal with it before it takes deep root. A little weed can become so big if we let it go. When weeds are little, you can reach down and pull them up with ease, but when they get a little bit older and have taproots that are twelve inches long, it takes a backhoe to pull them! Get weeds out of a child’s life while they are still small. If you wait, it’s going to be hard on them and the family. You don’t do anybody any favor by waiting. It’s not nice to let a boy and youth just play and live like life is a party, and then when they turn eighteen tell them to, “go out and make something of yourself” – that’s just not nice. How much better is it to start slowly.
Some people might object and say, “That’s too hard on a child.” However, it is much harder on them when they’re eighteen and you’ve let them play all their life and then expect that they would become this great mature person. It’s terribly hard on them. It’s terribly hard on the family and yourself as well. How much easier would it for a colt to get used to a bridle or a saddle by starting them when they’re young, than to let them “run free” all their lives and then try to break them as a full grown stallion! The same thing is true with our family.
Permissive parenting seems to go in pendulum swings across generations. At it’s best; it fosters a relaxed atmosphere in the home. At it’s worst, it is abdicating. It is AWOL parenting. Who’s the Dad? Who is the mom? That philosophy basically says, “It’s all good.” A hugely popular self-help book that came out in the late 60’s entitled, “You’re Ok, I’m Ok”, postulated that basically anything and everything is ok to do or think. It stated that negative thinking is what is bad. On the contrary, the Biblical fact is that I’m certainly not ok and I doubt that you’re ok. The issue of sin must be dealt with correctly and removed through the blood of Jesus as we ask for His forgiveness! We certainly should not trick our mind into sweeping matters under the carpet.
Bribery is the permissive parent’s best tool. The problem with bribery is that it only works for a while, and then the costs keep rising. You can bribe them with candy when they’re 2 but when they’re 12, candy is not as big of a treat. When they’re 18, that bribery has to be a car! “Chasten your son while there is hope.” Discipline them while there’s hope.
An incredible principle that I heard many years ago and one I’ve never forgotten, is the, “In the day that you hear something” principle. It’s an Old Testament principle concerning a father and a sincere but irresponsible vow that his daughter might make, “But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the LORD shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her” (Numbers 30:5). For example, let’s say a daughter purposes in her heart that she is going to go to the tabernacle every day for a year, and is going to pray there for eight hours a day. The father hears of this and he knows that while it’s a wonderful and well-meaning vow, it is just not going to work for the family dynamics, as she is an older daughter and is relied upon to assist with the family. While it’s a nice thought, the father has the right to disallow that vow. God doesn’t take vows lightly and when we vow to God to do something, He is very serious about us completing it. The father is given veto power over God sort of and strangely enough, but the key is that it has to be “in the day that the father hears it.” There can be no more than 24 hours of inaction. I’m sure this would have been true for sons as well.
A Christian parent does not have the right to say, “I’m just going to walk away from this.” We’re taught in this verse that silence gives consent. As long as the father says nothing about the vow, then the daughter must follow through. However, if the father disannuls, it because it might be expensive or hard on the family, or he knows that there might be some unsavory people there, he can do so without disrespecting God. The point of this verse is that when parents hear something askew, they ought to take care of it immediately! When you are tired, you still need to address it. If it’s not an appropriate time, then you might need to suggest something like, “I need to talk to you later today about this.” Regardless, say something as quickly as possible. Try to give some direction on the matter. If we don’t, our “silence gives consent.” If we tolerate foolishness, evil, sin or childishness, then we are actually giving consent. Parents unknowingly give there blessing to misbehavior by not saying something about it.
2. Don’t Cave
“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying” (Proverbs 19:18).
Good-willed parents, Christian parents, don’t like to make their children feel bad…this is very natural. We love our little butterballs! We want them to feel good. We think, “Maybe, if I just let it alone it will just work itself out.” Unfortunately, childishness, foolishness and outright sin does not work its way out, if anything, it works its way into the heart. It has to be corrected. God, in no uncertain terms, says, do something about it! Don’t be swayed by their crying. Trust me, these precious little ones are as good as Hollywood “A” list actors! They can turn on the waterworks like nobody’s business, and then turn it off just as quick. A son or daughter’s “crying” may take a different form when they are teenagers. It may take the form of a surly face. But no matter the form, you need to show them that you are not going to back down and you are not going to be a wishy-washy, namby-pamby wimp! Stand your ground! Children, rather than appreciate a parent who is soft, they develop a contempt for them. It irritates them that their parents are not standing firm. You will see this in the frustrated faces of the other children in the home when you’re not taking care of business. There is a love for justice (not anger or vengeance), in the heart of a Christian.
We often make parenting hard on ourselves. We can help the situation by standing tall and saying to our sons and daughters, “Here are the facts and the minimum expectations.” I’ll give you an example: Let’s say that you have decided to leave the house at 9 am. You then give your children some emotional prep time by saying an hour early, “You need to be ready to go with us by 9 o’clock.” The average child will just hang around until about 8:56 AM, at which time they start rushing around trying to get ready. The parent is getting more and more agitated and worried and then at 9:02 AM the child is finally…sort of, ready. We might say, “Okay, fine it’s only a couple minutes late.” However, every time you do this, you strengthen a negative situation. Mercy for being a couple of minutes late can be granted, of course, but only after there’s a consistent pattern of obedience or a truly (rare) unexpected issue. Mercy isn’t given before there’s obedience, it’s given after. How much better is it to just carry through with discipline until mercy is appreciated. The fact is, it only takes two or three times consistently holding the line before, and they will get the message. Sons and daughters get the word, “I don’t think dad’s going to back down. I just get this feeling that mom’s is standing her ground. I don’t think I’m going to win.”
For whatever reason, it is just human nature to challenge the rules. I don’t think children especially want to be disobedient always; it is just that there is a spirit within us that just doesn’t like to do what others tell us…we want to be in control of our own life. On a bigger scale, that’s why many humans don’t become believers because they don’t want God in control of their life. When we as humans reject the command to repent, then we are not deserving of mercy, we are deserving of the penalties of God’s law.
Now, why is it that we let our “soul spare”? I was asking myself the question, “Why have I, at times, been inconsistent with discipline over the years?” After a time of reflection, I identified at least three different sources for my “sparing.” First, there have been times when I didn’t want to confront the sin. I just didn’t want to be the dad. I’m not especially comfortable with confrontation. I don’t think most of us are. There have been times where I would rather have a friendship relationship, than hold sons and daughters to a standard. But in a home, someone has to hold the children to a standard, and if it’s not the dad I don’t know who it will be? When there’s a dad in the home, then that responsibility falls on him. I once read an interesting article from The Harvard Crimson that talked about how sociologists have developed a delinquency test. They feel like this test is 90% accurate. This was a test developed by sociologists to determine which children, in particular five and six year olds will become a juvenile delinquent. They found four factors that are necessary to prevent delinquency: #1) - A father’s firm but fair and consistent discipline. #2) - When a mother provides constant supervision. #3) - When parents display affection for each other. #4) - When the family spends time in activities together. Isn’t it amazing how God’s plan for the family and the church provides for each of these components.
Secondly, I feel like another reason for leniency, at least in my own personal life, is because I’m simply too tired. Tired from either the day’s work or I’m people tired or frankly, I’m tired of dealing with the child…just done with the situation. It takes energy and time that I feel short on.
Thirdly, we spare for the crying because we have guilt over things we have done ourselves. When I’m guilty in my own struggles, I seem to be soft and not hold others to the mark. We need to realize that no parent is perfect. No parent does everything they should. If only perfect parents were allowed to discipline, then nobody will ever get any discipline. But if parents don’t discipline children suffer the consequences. In the adult world, we don’t get away with not paying the IRS or not paying rent on time. If you don’t pay, then you have to pay the penalty. Life is like that. We need to train children early. We do not benefit anybody by leniency or softness. We have a tendency to make excuses for ourselves, but how important it is to not let our soul spare for their crying. Our children need strict and loving parents.
Here’s the problem with becoming soft – we actually strengthen sin if we don’t, “Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). We’ve seen this verse played out in the legal system in America for years. People can sin and break laws, knowing that it might be months or years before they have to pay the consequences, if ever.
