Parenting is an extreme responsibility, but thank God there are extreme blessings as well! As Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family once said, “Parenting is not for cowards.” We have answers for the modern family though – the blessed Word of God! If you typed “parenting” into your Google search engine, you would receive millions of concepts from thousands of different sources. While they mean well, our desire as God-fearing people, is to raise sons and daughters that are independent, competent and truly moral not just average. Raising young people who are distinctly Christian is no accident. It takes constant prayer and adherence to the Word.
Raising a family is a balancing act. We know that in order for a young person or a child to feel safe, secure and loved there has to be steadfast leadership. On the flip side of the coin however, children also need to learn self-government. How do parents balance firm control and still promote self-government at the same time? How do they get the two to meet together?
Let me share a powerful truth from Proverbs 11:29, “He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind, and the fools shall be servant to the wise of heart.” As we will see in this chapter, parental balance is achievable.
I can remember seeing my wife sitting at the piano, with a “metronome” on the top of it. A metronome is a device that helps musicians keep time. It has weights on the end of a lever that clicks back and forth. It would go from one side to the other. It seems to me that parenting is often like that. Over the years, I’ve found myself having good firmness but then felt like I was getting a little controlling, so I let up some but then I ended up getting lax! It is really a balancing act to be an effective parent. Consider the insights Pastor Dana Chau said his strict, but loving mom taught him:
My mother taught me RELIGION: When I spilled grape juice on the carpet, she instructed, “You better pray the stain will come out of the carpet”…LOGIC: From her decisive words, “Because I said so, that’s why.”…FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”…IRONY: “Keep laughing, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”…STAMINA: “You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”…WEATHER: “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”…THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”… BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!” …ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have a wonderful Mom like you do!”
Let’s Notice Two Extremes in Parenting:
1. Over Attentiveness
“He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind, and the fools shall be servant to the wise of heart” (Proverbs 11:29).
The word trouble in this verse means to “stir something.” Solomon saw some parents who actually stirred up problems for themselves. They troubled their own family. “Disturbed” is another definition for the Hebrew word trouble. Disturbed parents, disturb others. When you are overwrought about the education of your child, when you are disturbed about the health of our child, when you are disturbed about their sports life, when you are disturbed about your finances, when you are disturbed about their music lessons – you disturb your child! A disturbed parent makes a disturbed child. There is a way to call your family to excellence, but there is also a way of demanding too much without any regard to the true needs of the son or daughter.
2. Inattentiveness
On the other hand, verse 29 warns against being a fool, “A fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.” Solomon is now balancing two extremes in parenting. The neurotic parent versus the careless (foolish) parent is displayed. The operative word is just that, “foolish” or “intentionally ignorant.” It is an unwise parent who knows that they should be more dutiful in their business and be more up to date on relationships, but doesn’t do so.
This parenting style is slavery, “A fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.” (vs. 29) Too many of us have become slaves to mediocrity (or worse) when we do not inspire our children towards moral excellence. There is a careful balance of having firm leadership, but at the same time drawing forth self-government from the child through seeking God’s best. It is true that parents must accept the reality of humanity and the needs of the individual, BUT they must not devolve into the bondage of mediocrity.
Understanding Parenting Styles Sheds Insight On Balance:
Style #1 - Power Parenting
Power parenting, or as some might call it, Authoritarian Parenting, is using your physical stature, mental superiority or position to enforce wishes. We have all seen a big six-foot man in a store physically threatening a three-year-old! His eyes are flaring, his jaw is clenched, and he’s ready for a fight. Police would call this a threatening stance. That’s a power parent. Moms might use their emotional capabilities. They have discovered unwittingly, or not, that they have the ability to totally overwhelm others by the use of emotions. Whether it is by physical stature or emotional manipulation, it is “strong arm” parenting.
In negative parenting styles there is always a self-deception factor. Let me explain – If you were to ask the power parent how they are doing and they would probably say “good.” But, Proverbs 16:25 states that, “There is a way that seemeth right unto a man but the end thereof are the ways of death.” Their methods seem right in their mind (if it seemed wrong they probably wouldn’t do it…I hope), but at the end of the day it is death. It is death to relationships and to a positive family life. The reason they feel they are doing ok is that are measuring themselves against other parents. They look down the street and see children that are running wild without parental oversight and assume because their family is under lock and key that things are good, BUT is this a balanced parent? Is this a Biblical parent? Is this healthy parenting?
Style #2 - Weak Parenting
These are wimpy parents! These parents are so self-centered that they will not give any healthy structure to the children. They are often needy parents. That is, they are parents who need the approval of children or youth in order to feel good. They fight hard to gain the acceptance of their child as opposed to earning their respect. It would seem that their motto is: “I’m just their friend.” Of course, in parenting there is a blessed era that could be characterized as a “friendship stage”, but the friendship stage comes after first being their leader. Then you can bring them to a point where you can have godly fellowship. Think about it – how can wisdom really have fellowship with foolishness?
There is a fair amount of self-deception in this kind of parenting as well. This parent might say, “I’m an easy going parent,” or if they lived in the Christian realm they could justify, “I am a grace parent.” Being fearful to confront negative behavior is neither an untroubled life nor true grace.
Style #3 - Wise Parenting
Wise parents are courageous moms and dads! They love their sons and daughters enough to simultaneously serve and lead. There is little to no self-deception, because if you ask these parents how they are doing they will say something like, “All I can tell you is I need Jesus. Every hour of every day I have got to get God’s grace.” They are depending on the Word of God to direct and the Holy Spirit to strengthen them as they move forward.
SYMBOLS that Illustrate the Three Parenting Styles:
First, a tight fist would symbolize the Power Parent. Hands are necessary in leading a family, but a tight fist hammers down on petty misdoings. Tight fists overlook the more weighty matters and obsess about non-essentials. The tight fist has the “smash and crash” philosophy, and then picks up the pieces when it’s all done! They kind of blow everything up and then see if they can repair it. This is so damaging and unhealthy.
Secondly, a loose hand would symbolize the Weak Parent. These parents have a limp wrist. They bend at every turn and offer no firm support. A child needs support. The young adults in our homes especially need strong hands. Basically, this kind of parent allows whatever the child or youth wants. Really, for all intents and purposes, this parent has abdicated. They have stepped off their God-given throne and are no longer the leading the kingdom.
Thirdly, there is the open hand. The wise parent has open hands to be clutched when things are going rough…open hands to be held so that they can lead through rough patches. Open hands are giving hands. Open hands stroke backs when sons and daughters don’t feel good. Open hands yield to God. They are hands that are busy demonstrating how to do certain tasks. Open hands serve.
LABELS That Make Parenting Tendencies More Understandable:
I’m not a fan of labels but they can actually help with knowing what’s on the inside of a vessel. When I go to a grocery store I want to see labels. If I want corn – I look for something labeled “corn.” I don’t know how the particular brand tastes, but at least I know what it contains.
Helicopter Parents. These are Power Parents who are demanding and highly controlling. At the same time however, they are detached and unreceptive and don’t understand the child’s true needs. This parent has a need in their heart to manage EVERY area, to the point of neurosis! “Get up. Get dressed. Make your bed. Put your shoes…” They are so on top of their child that it is no longer mothering it’s smothering! This dad will argue tooth and toenail with the schoolteacher over even minor miscues, “My child deserves an A!” And when the son or daughter gets of age to have a job, this helicopter mom will even go as far as to go down to the boss of their child, and chew him out for giving them a bad mark on an evaluation. Helicopter parents are destructive parents.
Permissive Parents. These parents react to what they perceive is harsh so they place very few boundaries on their children. If they do have rules, they rarely enforce them. The result is that children are produced, who are perhaps the least self-reliant and the least able to function as independent Biblically wise adults. The Bible records many parents who, unfortunately, would be labeled as lax or permissive parents. One example would be Eli the priest (1 Samuel 2 & 3).
Strict but Loving Parents. Children feel loved when parents call their family to a high standard but that are also warm and receptive to needs. These are the kind of parents who explain why they have established certain rules – not over explaining just informing. They also give the moral and Biblical reason behind rules. Their Family rules are not just arbitrary standards, but there are good reasons for them.
How Do the Types of Parents DISCIPLINE?
The Power Parent over disciplines. Penalties are exaggerated for minor problems and misread childishness. It is not always easy to discern, but there is a real difference between rebellion and childishness. An example of over disciplining might be grounding a child for six months for spilling their milk. Now of course, if a child has been TOLD to put their glass out of danger’s way and they refuse, that’s one thing. If it is childishness – that is, an immature lack of control of their hands, then that is another. Regardless, a six-month detention…really?
God actually warns about over discipline in Colossians 3:21. He states, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged.” God is reminding fathers (and mothers) to be patient with their children. When you caution them, do so with gentleness and make sure that you follow Biblical guidelines. Over disciplining children to me, and maybe this is a terrible illustration, is like walking a dog! You’re walking a dog, when he wants to do something dog-like, like smelling some road kill. The dog whines and pulls against the leash and you’re jerking back on that thing and everybody is getting upset. A tight leash doesn’t work but neither does a loose one!
The Weak Parent under disciplines. They are too observant of modern thinking, and too loose. When a parent is too easy going, a low a value is set on righteousness. Basically what they are saying is that the Bible is not important. When parents don’t enforce lying issues, if they don’t enforce stealing issues, if they don’t enforce respect issues, if they don’t enforce manners, then what they are saying is God’s word is unimportant.
A weak parent makes excuses for foolishness and their chastisement is often half-hearted. For example: If their child steals something and then lies about it (the Bible teaches that lying and stealing are not little things as it goes down to the core of human respect), and then the parent only asks for an “I’m sorry”, regardless of the sincerity, there will be NO value in that kind of confession. In fact, if anything, this sets up a pattern of mere regret instead of real repentance. The Bible gives some things to do if a person is caught stealing; it is called punishment and restitution. The pain of having to carry through with these actions is what promotes genuine repentance. We can’t make them repent in their spirit, but we can demand that they acknowledge sin and make restitution. But just forcing the words, “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it! Years ago I went into someone’s house. There was a spanking “switch” with a pillow stuck on the end that hung on the wall as a decoration. It had “Grandma’s paddle” stitched on the pillow. A nice decoration and a cute thought, but terrible parenting advice!
Wise Parenting uses corrective measures. Not all wrong behavior is foolishness, but all wrong behavior must be corrected. Whether it’s on purpose or just the result of childishness, negative things have got to change. It is no fun to be around children or youth who are obnoxious. The principle that should ring in our hearts is: what can I do to help them correct this? And that is the best word – correct. There needs to be consequences because pain leads to good memory! Corrective measures and consequences are healthy for everyone.
How do the Different Types of Parents COMMUNICATE?
A Power parent under-talks. When there is no meaningful communication, children don’t know what to expect. In their mind they are wondering, “So, why am I doing this? What’s the point?” When they are six and the moral dots have not yet connected in their mind, then sometimes parents will have to explain, of course. As parents, we don’t owe them an explanation, but we offer it as long as they are humble.
The weak parent over-talks. They fall into the habit of over explaining every time the child challenges their authority. I’ve discovered that often, it’s not about the child’s inability to understand, it’s more about their unwillingness to yield. The problem is if we don’t get THEM to yield early, then as the years go by WE will compromise more and more to accommodate for their actions.
Wise parents do three things: They tell, show and then follow up. This is such a wise pattern. I can tell you that this pattern has been such a help to me over the years. I wish I had known this principle even earlier. Sometimes kids don’t do the right thing because they really don’t know what the right thing is. We may think we told them or that they should know, but we didn’t clearly communicate the matter. At other times, they heard what we said, but need to be shown a visual picture of what really is being expected. And then finally, without following up and holding them accountable, the likeliness of them doing it consistently to the quality you want, is small.
How do the Different Parents differ in TONE?
Power Parents are contrary. I am a firm believer that no means no. I don’t believe that parents should allow children to keep negotiating. However, we don’t have to be harsh about it either. Scripture wants us to not only have the right words, it wants us to present it in the right way. Contrary words give rise to resentment. Don’t get adversarial. I know for me, I had to constantly remind myself that my tone is important. Also, body language and countenance makes a huge difference. Be gentle!
Weak Parents are sugary. They are so indirect, they don’t even seem serious. The children never take action because they don’t get direct commands. When parents are syrupy and everything is, “Would you do this pretty please?” they end up hurting their own cause.
Wise Parents are positive. Wise parents speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 states, “But speaketh the truth in love…” These parents maintain control of their emotions; they don’t “lose it.” When I lose it, even when I’m right, I cause reaction. Now there is a difference between being direct and having an angry tone. There is a time for sternness, but if my tone gets angry I send the wrong message, “The wise in heart should be called prudent; sweetness of the lips increaseth knowledge” (Proverbs 16:21). Actually the word sweetness means “soft” or “gentle.” Do not confuse gentleness with weakness! Like the former president Theodore Roosevelt said, “Speak softly but carry a big stick.” I am not going to shout at you, but trust me I have a really big stick! It is so important to have a good tone. Sometimes we have truth, but others can’t receive it because our delivery is so harsh.
How do Parents Differ in the CHOICES they Allow?
Power Parents give no choices regardless of age. Some Christian parents are still micromanaging their child’s life at twenty years old! Power parents seem bent on ignoring cultural shifts on nonessential issues and fashions. Honestly, I’ve seen some parents who are way out of touch. It seems as though they want children to fit into some by-gone era…whether the 1950’s or the 1800’s. I’m not talking about morals. But seriously, does it make any difference if our daughters have a bow in their hair or not? These are non-essential issues.
The Weak Parent gives too many choices. The weak parent is addicted to choice. They ask their little two-year-old “Red cup or blue cup for your juice? Do you want orange juice or apple? Do you want cereal or eggs?” When parents keep giving children choice after choice, pretty soon the child begins to think that THEY are in charge! A wise parent gives age and character appropriate freedoms. Children need to have a growing sense of self-government. It is my opinion that for the most part, self-government should be complete by the age of 14 or so. They may not have all the adult common sense of course, but if the morals are in place, they should be allowed to make many choices. In early Israel, as seen in scripture, young people of 16 or 17 were married. The Old Testament speaks of how that at least by 20, the young men could leave home and go to war. In modern America we seem to be postponing responsibility to an ever-increasing age. Sadly, I have seen twenty-five year-old young men without jobs – “Man Babies”, still spending the majority of their time playing video games! Come on now.
I really think at times, Christian parents try to protect young adults far too long. A wise parent shows them that there is an end to all their education and a purpose behind it. You want them out there making a difference, being a light. Shoot them out like arrows as Psalms 127:4 says, don’t let them sit around in the quiver until they’re 40!
What are Some BIBLE EXAMPLES of the different types of Parents?
There are some Bible examples of power parenting: Saul and Jonathan for one (1 Samuel). I think Saul was a stereotypical power parent – he was crazy obsessed. This man was so caught up in his pride that he couldn’t even tell that Jonathan was on his side. Saul was actually willing to kill his son because he violated a ridiculous, non-essential rule about eating honey.
Then there are weak parents. One such dad was even a Pastor: Eli (1 Samuel). He could a lead a nation but his sons were out of control. When his sons were committing adultery and stealing he simply said, “Why have you done this?” Who knows why we sin? That’s a dumb question. Brother Eli needed to give them a whack upside the head (figuratively speaking)!
Then there were wise parents – Joseph and Mary as recorded in Luke 2. This wonderful couple were balanced. For example, they were on a spiritual retreat and lost track of Jesus (I like hearing that they “lost” their son. I love it because I’ve been there done that). He was sort of on his own at 12. “Where’s your son? Where’s Jesus?” Don’t you just love that? Notice Jesus’ answer in verse 49 when his parents asked him, “Where have you been?” “I am about my father’s business”, He replied. Now does that sound like somebody who’s a little helicopter child? No, that’s someone who has a plan! “I have a business. I’ve got the Lord’s business to take care of. I’ve been away doing the Lord’s work”, He stated. Jesus as a boy, had a vision.
The whole situation shows how balanced they were. They didn’t say that they didn’t care about Jesus – they were in fact, very concerned about him. It wasn’t that they were not involved. Notice it also says that Jesus was subject unto them. We know that he helped his dad, Joseph, in the business. Notice the balance, they worked, they went to church and we know that they also feasted. So, this family was well rounded in their activities and priorities. The result was balanced growth, as we see in verse 52, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” Exactly what we want for our children!
