Motivating our sons and daughters to pursue a path of godliness isn’t always easy. It takes courage to stay the course and to stand our ground without losing heart. As Gods agents of change, parents must have love and the power of the Holy Spirit within in order to be successful.
Seven Insights on Correction:
1. Correction is Making Children Aware of Their Mistakes and Showing Them the Right Way
“My son, despise not...his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth...” (Proverbs 3:11,12).
When we as parent’s care – we will correct. When you go to a good doctor and you have a broken arm, he sets it. He “corrects” it. If you go to a concerned Optometrist, he will give you “corrective” lenses. There is a correct way and a wrong way. There is a healthy way and an unhealthy way. There is a foolish way and then there is God’s way. When we care enough, we correct. When we care, we lead. When we care, we have a plan.
Most parents have been advised to be careful that they don’t break the spirit of the child. This is true, but I submit to you that we don’t make negative children because we say negative things. In fact, the Bible itself is full of negative things. To be sure, God gives many positive promises, but He always gives the truth and if the truth is negative, then so be it. We don’t raise negative children because we say negative things, we raise negative children because we allow selfishness! This is what causes a person to be unhappy.
We used to sing a children’s chorus entitled J-O-Y. How do we have JOY? We put J-Jesus first, O-Others second and Y-Yourself last. Joy doesn’t come from always getting your own way. As parents, when we point out misbehavior or rude manners, we are actually helping children put God and others before themselves. Through calm reasoning, reasonable consequences and actually demonstrating how to do what is correct, we bring joy into their lives not a broken spirit.
The main thing about providing loving correction is to do so when your own spirit is under the Holy Spirit’s control. When parents lose control, that’s when correction takes the wrong course. The tone and manner that a parent says things is of utmost importance. We can say just about anything if we will do so in a tone that is gentle.
There are many voices today that tell us there is no right or wrong. This, my friend, is simply not true. Right is still right and that which we must teach our children. I do believe, however, this morality must have good reason to it. Not just a bunch of old wives tales or outdated customs. Nonetheless, anything that needs to be corrected, whether it’s something illegal, immoral, unethical, or unbiblical should be calmly and gently shared with your family.
I have always been a firm believer in talking to your children about what is going on as much as possible, and keeping them in the “moral loop” so to speak. Not just telling them what not to do, but also telling them the why not. For example, we might say, “I don’t want you to go outside.” It might be better to rephrase it, “I don’t want you to go outside because I am going to be taking a nap.” Or, “because, I want you to be safe.” To be sure, children don’t deserve an explanation, but I think it’s wise. Regardless, correction should be done because we love them and care about them.
2. Correction is Not Particularly Pleasant to the Child or the Parent
“My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:” (Proverbs 3:11).
Correction is not something any human likes. It is a process we naturally despise and get weary of. When a one-year-old finds out that they are wrong, they don’t like it. I’ve also found that a 15-year-old doesn’t like being told they are wrong either. The same is true when you’re 25, 55, or 75! Whether you’re 1 or 101, nobody likes correction. But how can we grow in grace if we don’t know what needs to be corrected? We are growing in sanctification when we can appreciate the help of someone sharing with us an area that needs to be corrected.
I believe we modern parents must free ourselves from the myth that growing up is about having as much fun as possible. I firmly believe that we should enjoy life. Paul told Timothy that Christians should, “richly enjoy all things” (1 Timothy 6:17). But richly enjoying all things is not just about having fun. God is more concerned that our children be holy than externally happy. In fact, everyone in the end has a better time when children are thoughtful and not rude.
People in the world say often that it is hard on a child when you correct them. Well, there’s a good solution to that situation: if they choose to do right then correction would be unnecessary! It really is just as hard on the parent to do the disciplining as for the child to be disciplined. Parents get tired. Correction messes with a mom and dad’s schedule. It takes energy they don’t have. It also takes confrontation; which most people I know (myself included), naturally run from. It also takes the parents admitting that their child has done something wrong. And for most parents, that gets down to the core of who they are. But we make a mistake when we think to ourselves, “If my kids do wrong, it’s because I’m a bad parent.” We don’t like to correct because it brings up our own inefficiencies.
Correction is time consuming. When you have one child that you are correcting once every hour for 12 hours, that is not too hard. If you have two children, then that’s twenty-four times a day! If you have nine children like I have, you are basically spending your entire day in confrontation! Sidenote: I think we should look around, pray and show compassion on parents…theirs is not an easy job!
3. Correction is a Fatherly Role
“For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father...” (Proverbs 3:12).
The mother, principal, teacher, grandparent, even babysitter all have vital roles as enforcers of family rules. Chaos is going to occur if there is not a solid and united front displayed by this group in discipline. However, in the end, it is the dad that is the Commanding Officer! Dads are captains of the ship and must have a vision for the family. A vision for your family is really just a schedule for right living. Do you have a vision? If you don’t have a schedule for your son or your daughter, then your vision is limited. It needs to go something like this, “Ok, son or daughter you are going to get up at this time, you are going to read your Bible and then, etc.” The schedules we set for our sons and daughters should be daily, weekly, monthly and yearly.
The dad takes the primary role and responsibility in correction. If a dad doesn’t correct, dysfunction and reaction will likely take place. A dad was hard wired by God for conflict resolution. Unfortunately, in today’s world, the average dad has been made into the play guy and the mom runs the family. Certainly, a dad ought to be fun. Recreation is a wonderful and needful diversion, but time spent playing is only meant so we can serve God better. It is not to be an end, it is meant only to be a means to an end. I know for me growing up, if my dad said something, I listened. When my mom said something, I just sort of listened. Not that it was right on my part, but I think it illustrates the natural tendency we have to follow the man.
There should be an age sensitive ratio of a dad’s playtime and training time. When our sons and daughters are one-year-olds, then perhaps 90% of their time could be spent playing and 10 % (or less) is spent in training. Each year of age the amount of “dad time” spent playing decreases, and by the time they are twelve years old a dad’s time with the child ought to be largely spent in training. Until finally, they come to a point where dads and children work together because its fun!
4. Correction is a Long Process
“...neither be weary of his correction” (Proverbs 3:11).
Correction is not only hard it is often a long process. Solomon counseled, “Don’t get weary.” It may seem endless to the child, “Why am I always being told what to do?” When they become young adults at 14 or 15, they start looking towards the day when they get to be on their own because and they won’t be told what to do anymore (yea, right :) ). That’s ok and very natural. Correction is just as wearisome for the parent. Parental fatigue is a real issue, especially if you have several children. Parents are caregivers, teachers and motivators, but when fatigue hits; it makes the mind see things negatively. We parents get tired, and when we are tired we don’t like to take the time to discipline. When we’re tired, we don’t like to take the time to teach. We need the grace of God brothers and sisters. We need the strength of God. Parents need prayer!
We need to train for parenting like an Olympic athlete! Parents can’t have lives that are unscheduled. Moms and dads need to get plenty of rest, exercise and eat balanced diets. They have got to get up early and get the Bible coming into their hearts. Avoid staying up too late working or vegging. Play some Christ-honoring music in your home. You can’t have wild music going all the time and expect that children are going to be calm. Correction is something that is wearisome, so get ready for it.
5. Correction Brings Happiness
“...the son in whom he delighteth” (Proverbs 3:12).
Correction is a “delighting” thing. All fathers and mothers delight in having obedient sons and daughters. I think our children ought to live lives of godly delight. Parents, at times, keep their children bound up emotionally with guilt because they don’t deal thoroughly with disobedience. With a little slap on the wrist or a pat on the bottom, some parents imagine that children will get the message. That kind of weakness doesn’t cleanse evil. Proverbs 20:30 reminds us, “The blueness of the wound cleanseth away evil.” It doesn’t say a slap on the wrist cleanses evil. It is the blueness of a wound. This is metaphoric. The point is, that some children are so obstinate, that it takes serious chastisement (bruising) to get their attention. Correction is a spiritual process and parents do not do children any favors through leniency. An indulgent parent only prolongs the sanctifying process. Spiritual people are joyful people.
6. Correction is both Curative and Preventative
“My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth” (Proverbs 3:11, 12).
Good discipline is corrective, i.e. curative. If there is a problem, then I say let’s cure it! There is always an answer. There is no child that is uncorrectable. There is no young adult that is uncorrectable. Everybody can improve!
Not only is chastening curative, it is also preventative. The father delights in a good future for the child. Parents correct, not only to fix problems, but also to prevent future ones. Professionals in the medical world know that if you help people prevent problems, it is far better than correcting them once they occur. Doctor’s would love to see people eat healthy and exercise, because it helps prevent illness. Preventative parenting is also the best way to go. We might call it a preemptive strike. In the military, when they are convinced an enemy attack is imminent, they take the first action. This is not as a means of aggression, but as a way of protecting people. Parents must make a preemptive strike at sin, because if they don’t, there are going to be some serious problems ahead for that child. A child needs to hear this in his mind, “wrong behavior causes me pain and good actions bring about blessings.” That little phrase needs to get deep into their heart. From the beginning of a child’s life, all the way to end of their time in the home, there must be a cause and effect mindset if parents are to expect to prevent further problems.
When rules and manners are not consistently enforced the heart grows bold in sin. One act of leniency causes ten episodes of acting out in the child. My experience has been that some children will put their toes in the waters of disobedience again and again to see if they might just get lucky. But, if every time they try something they get the same corrective answer, then it will only be a few times before they get the idea that crime doesn’t pay. When parents are lenient, they in a sense, build a sort of gambling addiction in our children. “Ok,” the child says to herself, “Dad may correct me or he may not…because sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t.”
Preventative discipline is not only for the perpetrator; it’s for those in close proximity as well, “Smite a scorner and the simple will be ware” (Proverbs 19:25). Sometimes parents say to me, “It just doesn’t do any good. I discipline, I discipline, and I discipline, and it does not seem to help.” The question I would propose is this, “It does not do good for whom?” It is true that there are some children who become scorners that are almost unchangeable. Nevertheless, if we “smite” them (correct them) the untaught (simple) or immature and childish eyes and ears which are standing nearby will be made wise.
7. Correction is for the Good of the Child and Society
“My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord...in whom he delighteth” (Proverbs 3:11, 12).
It is not nice to let children develop habits that someday have to be eliminated in order for them to be delightful, productive, balanced, stable, and selfless adults. I am convinced that many divorces could be avoided if selfish adults would have been corrected as children. Parents at times allow things to go on for so long that their children can become self-destructive. I read a report recently about extremely obese children (not pudgy little babies). These are parents who literally “love” their children to death! They “love” them so much they won’t hold them back from food. Are parents doing children any favors when they think like that? Are we helping them? Are we really benefiting their life?
Correction is for the peace and harmony of a home. We simply can’t allow a two-year-old to bully the entire family. Other sons and daughters in the home are looking to mom and dad to save them from this little bully who has been terrorizing the family! Moms and Dads ought to be able to hold a nice conversation without the children yelling and screaming. Parents ought to be able to have nice things in the house, without them getting torn up by inconsiderate behavior. We ought to have a home that’s still a home. It is for the good of the whole family. It is for the good of mankind.
A Christian dad once told me “I am more into grace; I’m more tolerant in my home.” That’s all well and good, if you lived on an island, but we don’t “live on islands” do we? We are all forced to live with each other. It’s a funny thing about some people’s “grace.” Their grace becomes another’s legitimate gripe! Because they refuse to teach their children manners, others are forced to endure rude behaviors. Church leaders or governmental authorities have to step in and be the bad guy. It’s not for the good of our marriage it’s not for the good of anyone. Correcting is the wise and healthy way to raise a family.
Let me share with you a classic story that my dad once told me when I was growing up. There was a little boy who was very mean in school. One day, he simply wouldn’t do his work. He wouldn’t listen to the teacher. He was talking when he was supposed to be quiet. He just would not obey. The teacher sent him to the principal. The principal talked to him and finally realized that the only thing he could do was to send him home. He called the parents and sent him home. The mother sat down with little Peter on the couch and asked her son, “Why are people disobedient and why do you think they behave badly?”
“I don’t know, because they feel like it?” he responded.
“Why do you think they feel like it?” she asked. Mom couldn’t get him to respond so she said, “The reason they do bad is because they are not thinking of others. They are not thinking of God-they are only thinking of themselves. And it hurts many people.”
Little Peter responded, “Who else gets hurt?”
“Well, the Lord Jesus himself does, He never did anything wrong…you see He died on the cross for our punishment that you deserve for your selfishness and when you’re bad you really hurt Jesus but, you also hurt me too.”
“What do you mean mom? You don’t have to get spanked; I’m the one who gets spanked” Peter cried.
“Because I love you Peter, I’m hurt on the inside. You hurt me each day with your bad attitude. But, to help you understand I’m going to let you hurt me in a different way.” She pulled out a switch and gave it to her son and said today you are going to give me a spanking.
“No, Mommy I’m not going to do that!” he said.
“Yes, son you are” she lay on the bed.
“No mommy…I can’t!”
“Yes, you must do it.”
At last he took the switch and struck it across her legs he saw tears come into her eyes and he threw the switch on the ground and began to cry.
“I don’t want to hurt you momma, I don’t want to hurt you!” She put her arms around her son and said, “But son you do hurt me every day by your selfishness and disobedience, more than any spanking could ever do.”
She said, “the Lord Jesus loves you and your disobedience does the same to Him.”
“I’m so sorry, mom. I’m so sorry. I want to tell Jesus I’m sorry too.” So little Peter prayed asked Jesus to forgive him and take away his selfishness and disobedience. After they finished praying she said, “Son, please remember that disobedience hurts many people.”
