One of the vital principles of marriage that God gives, is that husbands should help their wife become her best and a wife should help her husband become his best. And certainly that’s what a genuine believer wants for himself – to be his best version! Certainly, nobody wants anybody to be anything other than who they truly are. However, we do want to be the best version of that unique individual. God states that your mate is the best person to help you achieve that.
Proverbs 31 is mostly King Lemuel’s mothers’ poem about qualities to look for in a wife (most of these traits can be applied to a husband as well). The format of Proverbs 31 was that the truths contained therein were meant to be repeated over and over again until it became part of the mind.
The king’s mom said, “look for a mate who will help you to become successful, someone who will lift you up and not pull you down.” In this case it says that it is her husband that is “known” in the gates. Not all the husbands, but this woman’s husband is known in the gate. There’s something about this lady’s behavior that made her husband’s reputation really shine. It was Warren Buffet, one of the richest men in the world, who said these words, “It takes 20 years to build a good reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.” God wants husbands and wives to work for the betterment of each other’s reputations. Marriage is the ultimate partnership. In any partnership, what the other person does can bring you up or pull you down (note: this is one reason why God warns against business partnerships).
This husband is known in the gates, he’s known. How is he known? He’s known to have a good wife. There is something about him that reflects on her. Maybe he wore clothes that weren’t wrinkled and it was obvious therefore that someone cared about his appearance. Apparently he had a good attitude and so people must have concluded that his wife must be a kind person at home for him to have such a warm spirit. Scripture is teaching us here, that her husband is known in the gate because she had made a big impact on his life.
Our mates can affect us deeply. One time, years ago, I was talking with a man about a situation in the church that was a delicate matter. After we had discussed the matter, man-to-man, Christian-to-Christian, and Pastor to parishioner, there became a good understanding between us. I was rejoicing because it was apparent that God had really worked. And then the man went home. Well, the next time I saw him things were radically changed, I mean, his spirit had changed 180 degrees. He was sour and angry. When I got a chance to talk to him alone I said, “Your wife had something to say about the matter didn’t she?” I knew something had happened. It was obvious, based on what I could tell from his attitude, that after he went home she had taken up offense for him. Things didn’t go well at home. Sad isn’t it.
When a married person has a cheerful countenance, it’s a reflection that things are good at home. You can tell by the way that he conducts himself, that he must have a wonderful and supportive mate. I have been in meetings before where someone walks in with a chip on their shoulder. You can sense it. They brought it from home. How terrible to transfer that kind of tension from home into a place where everybody is trying to come up with some good solutions, not more problems.
How can we help our spouse become their best version? God calls us to love people as they are, but also to love them so much we don’t let them stay that way! I’ve noticed something about plants that don’t grow…they are dying! And Christian husbands and wives ought to always be growing too. I like what Bible teacher Howard Hendricks said, as he would challenge people, “How have you changed positively in the last 3 months?” If we’re not changing, we’re not growing and if we’re not growing we’re dying. Every marriage should continue to morph and to grow. Every Christian should become their best version. We start out at a certain point when we get married, and then we continue to grow decade after decade. A spirit-filled, growing husband and a spirit-filled, growing wife help each other. They feed off each other and it’s an awesome thing!
What Can We Do to Promote That Best Version?
1. Pray for Them
Absolutely the first, foremost and highest thing that we could do for each other is to pray. Why is it important to pray for our mate? Because nobody knows and nobody cares for that person as much as you do. You know the finest in’s and outs, and perhaps the less desirable ones, of that person’s personality and character. Nobody can pray for my character deficiencies any better than my wife. Nobody can pray for my hurts more than my wife and nobody can understand what I’m going through like my wife can. In 1 Peter 3, husbands are told to understand their wife, so that their prayers are not hindered.
First of all, we should pray in private. I believe that we ought to get in our prayer closet and we ought to pray that God would transform them, bless them, change them, favor them and encourage them. Secondly, I believe that we should also pray with them. So then, we’re praying in private for them and then we’re praying with them as we have opportunity. It doesn’t always have to be a long, drawn out time together. It could simply be before bedtime or maybe in the morning before launching out. I am a firm believer in placing your hands on someone and praying for him or her. Throughout the scripture, we find people placing hands on others as they prayed for them. Jesus would often place his hands on someone, and then pray for healing. I’m not exactly sure what the power of the hand is, but I know Paul told Pastor Timothy to stir up the gift that was in him by the laying on of hands. There have been times when I have sensed Pauline placing her hand on me and praying for me in the middle of the night. Husbands, lean over and place your hands on her and say, “O, God bless my wife today...touch her and encourage her.”
2. Give Them a Word
The fact is, every husband and wife bring ingrained family iniquities into the relationship. Sometimes, the mixing of the iniquities of a husband and a wife can be like fire and gas! You may have a set of problems with one family and a set of problems from the other family and separately they are issues, but together they are volatile! I’m sure that when two people come together in a marriage, new combinations begin to manifest themselves. We might think there’s no hope. But thank God, there is always hope! Hope comes through the power of Jesus blood, and through His Word.
Not only are there family iniquities to contend with, but there are also different sets of circumstances. Some families have no children, and that creates concerns. Some families have a lot of children, and that brings tension. Some have quite a bit of extended family issues and others have very difficult work related conditions. So then, we all have circumstances that work their way into our home. Therefore, we need to constantly be giving a word of encouragement to each other. Give them a word from God that lifts. Constantly pray that God will cleanse family iniquities. That’s what Paul told husbands to do for their wife, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” (Ephesians 5:25-26). I’ve always wondered why people get all up in arms about others trying to “change them.” Are we not supposed to always be changing for the better? Godly husbands are to sanctify their wife with the washing of the word. Sanctification means becoming holy and more like Christ. Notice how it’s done, it’s done with the cleansing of the word. Typically, when family iniquities raise their ugly head, we try and argue them out. We try to deal with it just by talking. This is certainly necessary, but how much better a word from God would be!
Somehow and in some way, we need to give them specific words that deal with the particular problem they’re going through. Never in a condemning way of course, but the word of God is where the power to change comes from. My wife, Lynette, passed away and I became married to a fine Christian woman who I had known for over 25 years. Her husband also had died. Although she had been in our church for many years, she had no experience being married to a Pastor. She was surprised then, when I told her how much it meant to me that she would share a verse with me. She thought Pastors knew everything (well almost)! I’ve told her, if the day should come that I have to be in a rest home and become mentally incompetent, “I beg you, that whatever else you do, make sure that you read the Word to me!” I know that’s going to make a difference.
3. Praise Them
We all know that nagging doesn’t work, right? But how many of us still nag? That’s just human nature. I know they say that ladies nag more than men, but I’m not so sure that’s the case at all! Praising someone, however, is incredible! The power of praise lifts people. I’ve noticed that praise is a crucible that purifies and shapes the ore of character. Wise praise is powerful, “As the fining pot for silver, and the furnace for gold; so is a man to his praise” (Proverbs 27:21).
I so admire the story of David and Abigail found in 1 Samuel 25. In fact, this is one of the reasons why our youngest daughter is named Abigail. I was studying through 1 Samuel and absolutely fell in love with this amazing woman of God. Abigail had a rough go of it in her marriage to Nabal. Despite that, she was able to change a very angry and bitter man, David, through the power of praise. In the story, her husband dishonored and put King-elect, David, and his men into an unsafe scenario. This offended him, and rightly so, so David and his men set out to fight for the honor and safety of their country. Oblivious, Nabal and his men were just minutes from death at the hands of these angry warriors, when soft-spoken Abigail stepped up! She runs out and brings food to David and his men (smart lady to bring food). She speaks to him thoughtfully and wisely. When she meets David she doesn’t put up a sign saying, “I hate Israel, we have our rights.” No, she did the most amazing thing when she said, “David, the fact is, you are a bigger man than this…you are a way bigger man than to carry out selfish vengeance on your enemies. Fight the Lord’s battles. You are a man of God.” She buttered him up! By the time she was done, David melted. He packed up and went home. She did a work through praise. One woman through praise changed the course of a nation…amazing! I encourage every husband and wife to read that Bible story some time and meditate on the incredible principles of positive change.
4. Communicate to Your Mate Ways That They Can Help You
Let me give an example of how to influence change in your mate. Occasionally, over the years there have been church members that have become upset about something and let me know as much by their attitude. Now maybe it’s my manhood, or maybe it’s my lack of character, or perhaps it’s just being a leader, I don’t know, but I can tell you that you’re not going to get anywhere with this Pastor if you cop an attitude! If you come busting through the office, kick open the door and start ranting and raving – things will go nowhere. But, if you want to change your Pastor, here’s what you do; you love on him, give him a Bible verse and you tell him you’re praying for him and that’s it. That’s what you do. And that’s the only way it’s going to happen. That’s also about the only way you can change a husband or a wife too. That’s the nature of how we are as humans.
There was a situation once where my wife wanted me to do something. She wanted me to notice something. But I was clueless. This, unbeknown to me, went on for quite a while. When the matter finally came out I said, “Honey, why didn’t you just tell me?” She said, “I didn’t want to tell you… I wanted you to notice.” I told her, “Honey, I beg you, I am as dumb as that tree out there in the yard. I can also be blind and deaf… just give me a hint. Tell me something, because most times I don’t get it.” I know that helped give her the freedom to say some things. It would be such a blessing if husbands and wives would just swallow their pride a little, admit what is bothering them and how their mate could help. How much better it is to do that than to just sit there fuming because people don’t recognize what’s going on in your world. The best thing to do is to just let them know. Give them some idea of how they can change for the better.
5. Show Private and Public Honor to Each Other
“Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her” (Proverbs 31:28).
Sons and daughters owe honor to their parents. It is so important that children are taught to praise their father and mother! I love when I see husbands encouraging their sons and daughters to write notes and do things for mom, on mother’s day for example. There are many ways to show honor to our mate. Maybe a mother could say to her daughter, “Sweetie, go get dad’s iced tea glass and fill it up.”
Husbands and wives are also to speak words of praise to each other. Husbands, learn to speak well of your wife’s character (and not just when we want something) like, “I’m so grateful for her positive attitude.” Just noticing something they do, even just one thing, would be such an encouragement to them. It might take a whole 15 seconds to say something like that, but wow...what a long lasting impact it has! The reason this is so important is because everybody knows that our wife or our husband sees the nitty gritty of our life. They know us backwards and forwards. They know our bad points and they know our good points. So, if they are praising us, in spite of everything they know about us, then that’s a high compliment. A person who is not my wife might say, “Tim is a good man.” That is always appreciated, but may or may not be accurate. You may not know the real Tim. But my wife does…oh my! If she praises me, then everybody will say he must really be a good man, because she knows all the bad and still speaks highly of him.
Shakespeare once said, “My honor is my life, take honor from me and my life is done.” I really think if you asked a person if they could have all the money they wanted, but would have to live in total disrespect, just about everybody I know would take honor. Respect is incredibly powerful. We want that, more than almost anything.
Let Me Share 15 Practical Ways to Show Honor and Respect to Our Mate:
1. Not Correcting or Contradicting Our Mate
I remember being at a dinner engagement with a couple, where I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite so pathetic. Nearly everything this guy said, his wife corrected… I mean everything! If he said, “Monday night” she’d say, “no, it was Monday afternoon” or if he said, “it was a blue car” she’d say, “no it was turquoise.” After a while I was thinking to myself, pleeeeeeease stop! I’m going to go crazy here! Of course, we should not do that to any one, but for sure not your husband or wife. I also encourage us to not make snide remarks to or about our mate. Sarcasm is belittling. When we’re speaking to our mate we ought to speak to them as though we were speaking to the most respected person in our life. Who do you respect more than anybody? How would we treat them? Let’s say you have a great esteem for your Pastor or father or some successful person, how would we treat them? How would you talk to them? That’s how we should talk to our mate. We should never allow ourselves to talk to them in any way other than with the highest amount of respect.
2. By Amplifying Statements
What I mean by that is this. Let’s say our husband or wife is telling us a story, and as we get a chance, we validate their words. For example, perhaps my wife is talking about making a pie and she says, “I put some lemon rind in the filling.” I might say, “Oh, that pie had an amazing taste.” What am I doing? I’m amplifying and validating what she’s saying. So, not only is she telling the story, but also now I’m respecting her. She feels lifted up and honored. If I’m telling a story to my friends about fixing the car she might say, “My husband is so wise, he always takes care of things on the car.”
3. By A Joyful Countenance
If we want to honor our mate, if we want to bless them, and praise them in front of others we must have a joyful countenance. Just smile. Much research has been done over and over again about the benefits of smiling. Did you know that smiling actually helps create happiness? How can we smile and create happiness? Well, for one thing when we smile, others smile and that fosters an atmosphere that is contagious.
Growing up my dad would tell me, “Son, I want you to practice smiling. This is how I do it. I will be all by myself driving the car and I will practice smiling. I’ll be telling myself you’re going to smile.” One day I was at the gym smiling (purposely trying to do so), and I was amazed at how many people started smiling back. Have you ever look over at the average person sitting in the car next to you at the stoplight? The expression on most peoples faces looks like they could be an axe murderer! A smile in public says, “I’ve got a great husband or wife. My mate makes me happy.”
4. By Keeping Ourselves Up
Taking care of our appearance and keeping ourselves physically fit, speaks to our mate. It says I care about you. When a husband or wife doesn’t care about what they look like it just basically says, “I really don’t care about how you feel. You’re not worthy of me looking nice. I dress like I dress. I look like I look…like it or lump it.” Now, that is just a terrible attitude. Wives, I know it may sound a little old fashioned, but if you’re a stay-at-home mom, about fifteen minutes before your husband comes home is great time to spruce up a little bit and throw a little bit of perfume on! Same thing goes for the guys. Before you go off to bed it wouldn’t be the worst thing to freshen up a little bit…or a lot!
5. By Looking Admiringly at Them When They Speak
It is so honoring to look at your mate when they are speaking. Let’s say you are having a dinner engagement. You are at the table and the husband is telling a story. If the wife is looking off into nowhere or fiddling with her fork, what it appears she’s really saying is, “I don’t even know if this is true and I don’t really care.” But, if she’s looking at him and glowing, then the impression is, “this is the smartest and wisest man that has ever lived!”
Consequently, what happens to the other folks that are listening? They become engaged in the story. The same thing is true when a wife is talking. If the husband is preoccupied, that’s disrespectful. Men ought to give undivided attention to their wife. Now, ladies, I know that you’re able to multitask and that’s your strong suit, but when your husband is talking to you and you’re flipping burgers, spanking kids, bumping the pantry door closed with your hip and sweeping with your feet all at the same time your husband is going to feel low on the totem pole. Why don’t you stop, look at that man for a minute and give him some undivided attention?! Fella’s, I know we’re kind of “Johnny one-note” and we can’t concentrate on more than one thing so let’s stop, put the paper down and look at our wife and really give her our attention.
6. By Praising Them in Front of the Kids and Others
“I tell you what kids, your dad is so smart” or “Your mom is an amazing woman”, are great ways to boost respect. When our kids hear statements like these coming out of our mouths, honor grows. Praising your husband or wife in front of their parents, or better yet our own parents or relative’s, is awesome and affirming. Let’s say you are talking on the phone and your husband walks into the room, that’s a great opportunity to say something great about him. What is it a man wants to hear? A man wants to hear that he’s a great provider and he’s an amazing protector. He lives for that! He lives for the day his wife says, “I’m so grateful to God how you always watch out over us…you always take care of us.” A husband or wife needs praise not picking! And what is it that a wife wants to hear? A wife wants to hear, “You please me, you bless me, and you encourage me.”
7. By Dropping Whatever You Are Doing and Warmly Greeting Them
Life goes by so quick. Taking a few moments to give a warm greeting and a sweet goodnight kiss is on of the most basic and fundamental ways to show your love and respect. Those are some of the most simple but precious gestures. I once read an interesting study from Germany about husbands who were kissed goodbye in the morning and husbands who weren’t. The husbands who had a warm goodbye and a kiss were more successful and made more money than the other fellas! Maybe it’s just that sense of having somebody to work for.
8. By Bringing Something Home to Them When You’ve Been Out
You know what this says? It says, “I’m thinking about you. I was with my friend, but I’d rather be with you. I was with my colleague, but was thinking of you.” You could bring them anything… a cookie, a piece of chocolate, a box of matches, even a big giant leaf you found as you were walking by. You can show your affection no matter the smallness of the token.
9. By Walking by Them and Touching Them
This is deep stuff right here! But I’m telling you these simple truths are so missing in today’s culture. Just go through the average grocery store nowadays and see how couples walk together. Sometimes it seems like they don’t even care about each other. They appear as if they don’t even know that each other exists. On the other hand, just hanging out by each other, holding hands and touching affectionately can send a big message to them and others. I once saw this couple from an eastern culture (I’m sure it could have been any people group), and he was going along with a stern look on his face. His wife was consistently trailing about 4 to 5 steps behind him wherever they went, walking along all by herself. I was thinking, “Oh my goodness, I hope someone trips that guy!”
10. By Asking for Advice
I’m going to ask my wife for advice on something, and then I’m going to receive it without challenging her or arguing with her, amen? Yes, amen! We build respect when we take responsibility for situations we are at fault for and don’t pass off the buck. Just saying, “I’m the one who did it and I’m sorry” can solve so many issues. Let’s be quick to say I’m sorry and take responsibility.
11. By Asking Them to Explain Something About a Hobby to You
I was looking at an outdoor magazine in a waiting room of a doctor’s office once, and started seeing all these fishing rods of different lengths and made out of different materials. Who would have thought there was so much about fishing poles! Ladies, you may think that it’s silly, but if that guy likes fishing, you can be sure he knows the kind of rod he wants, the kind of reel he wants, the kind of lure he wants, and he’s thinking she doesn’t care if she never asks. Just say, “Tell me about that. When do they use these rods and when do they use these lures?” A husband can talk about whatever his wife shows interest in too, and as long as everybody keeps good-natured you can even tease each other a little bit.
12. By Keeping Them Informed of Where You Are and Where You Are Going
It’s just plain rude to ignore people and to walk out on them. It’s not that hard to say, “Hey, I’ll be back in a few minutes, I’m going to [fill in the blank].” If you get in the car to go somewhere you should tell your mate where we’re going and when you will return. I know as a husband, my protector instinct is always on and I like to know what my wife’s plans are for the day. We may be tempted to say, “Are you checking up on me?” No, it’s nice to keep people informed. When I leave the office, I tell the secretary’s where I’m going. It’s simply good manners.
13. By Introducing Them with Praise
“This is my wonderful husband of 144 years!” Or “this is my lovely bride, who is the mother of my 42 children.” Minus the exaggeration of course. Depending on the setting, we should add an uplifting comment about them. If we are in a sports setting for example you might say, “This is my husband who is an avid tennis player.” Let’s show others that we really honor and respect who they are.
14. By Working On Proper Manners
Unfortunately, we fellas seem to have a little bit more of a problem in this area than the gals do. So guys, let’s put the toilet seat down and throw your dirty clothes in the hamper. I can’t think of anything ruder, than for a fella to throw his dirty underwear on the ground and make his wife pick it up. You better be glad if you have a good woman who puts up with this, because I would throw you, along with your underwear, into the washer…unbelievable! Ladies, turn the TV off and stop texting. It’s just plain rude when you’re with your husband and you’re trying to have a conversation to be busy texting all the time. I know some husbands who say the worst day of their life was the day his wife got an iPhone. Wives say the same thing about their husbands and their gaming and sports apps. Good manners say, “the person I’m with gets the priority.” That’s respect. That’s how you show honor. Fellas, limit the gross stuff. I know when you’re with the guys, burping and farting is just great fun, but trust me, gals don’t like it, they really don’t.
15. By Providing and Keeping the Home Well
Keeping the house tidy says I care about you and I want you to feel welcome and comfortable. It doesn’t have to look like a museum, but at least it should say, “I care.” Try to have the house in order when the husband comes home. Same thing for the guys – let’s fix things on the house every once in a while. Give her a time you’re going to do fix-its on the house as it makes her feel loved and cared for.
If we will try to do two or three of these 15 things each week, we’ll be saying, “I’m thinking about you. I care about you. I honor you. You mean a lot to me!” When a husband rises up and blesses his wife, a wife then blesses her husband. Then her husband, not just any husband, is “known in the gates” because she has made him the best version of himself.
