Wouldn’t it be amazing if the moment the pastor pronounced you man and wife, there was a bright glow that just began to envelop you, trumpets would blow and all of a sudden you were transformed into prince charming and lady princess! The reality is however, that a wedding ceremony doesn’t automatically change someone’s character. In marriage as in life, it is character that counts. It is in virtue that the victory is found. Ceremonies are nice, but signing a piece of paper or saying a few words over somebody doesn’t make them a person of character. Good weddings do not equal a great marriage. A great marriage is made out of solid character and deep love. Let’s look at Solomon’s thoughts on the importance of good character.
This passage is very poetic. Its beautiful language is straightforward, colloquial and proverbial. Solomon eloquently describes four situations that are very hard to stomach. He mentions four scenarios that are very disquieting and that upset everything around them. First of all; an arrogant employee. Nothing is harder to take than an employee who has been given everything, been entrusted with a promotion and then runs rough shod over others. Second of all; a “Wanna-be.” That is an obnoxious, loud, rude, and belligerent person that has an inflated opinion of themselves. Few things are worse than a “Wanna-be” that goes to a five-star hotel and then orders everybody around like they’re some kind of a billionaire! Thirdly; an ill-natured husband or wife. This is someone with a consistently unpleasant attitude. And finally; a disgusting gold digger. Someone who has been given so much and yet it’s still not enough. They continue to use people and step on people in order to climb up the ladder. Let’s go back and focus on the third disquieting scenario.
“…For an odious woman when she is married…” (Proverbs 30:23). The word “odious” here is a word that means hateful. That is the most accurate translation. Its kind of humorous in light of today’s slang terminology, “hater.” This person is hater of God, a hater of people and a hater of good principles. Nothing causes any more of an upheaval to a family, to a community, to a church or to society than for someone to turn their back on God’s greatest gift outside of salvation and be a hateful husband or wife.
There is a vital marriage principle in this verse. This person was hateful before they got married and somehow and for some reason (who knows why), the fellow went ahead with the marriage, knowing full well that he was marrying a hateful person. How foolish it would be for a woman to carry on with the wedding ceremony, or for a man to marry somebody that is suspect in their character all the while imagining that somehow, a wedding is going to make him or her into someone with good character. There are several principles to consider as we look at the topic of character development:
1. Good Character Takes Work
It doesn’t always take a long time to see a change (sometimes it does unfortunately), but it does take effort. Offensive and disagreeable people are not victims, they can change if they want to. People who have an unpleasant personality are not victims of their circumstances. Disagreeable personalities do not develop because they’ve had a rough life. In fact, it’s been my experience that people with the most difficult surroundings actually have some of the most amazing and resilient personalities. I have been to Shriners Hospital for Crippled Children many times. These children have some of the most atrocious developmental and physical setbacks imaginable and yet most have unbelievable character! It is very common to greet one of these little children, who have such serious disabilities, and to see them break out into this wide smile and hear an incredibly warm, “Hi, how are you today sir?” We are not victims of our circumstances! People who are bitter, choose to be bitter. People who disobey, choose to disobey. That being said, to voluntarily step into marriage, the most intimate of all relationships, with a person of bad character is a certain train wreck.
Scripture is very clear; we are never to marry a “project.” Marrying a project is a dangerous thing to do. Conversely, it’s wonderful to minister to a project. If someone doesn’t have good character, it becomes a good Christian’s prayer and hope that they’ll have good character – but you don’t marry them! Am I saying that the only person you can marry is a perfect person, just like Jesus? Of course not. There isn’t anybody that would ever qualify for that. But there is a lot of difference between somebody who is just not complete yet and somebody who has bad character.
After the wedding, life comes at you in a hurry. You don’t always have a lot of time to work on character deficiencies because you are thrust into the thick of the battle. You need someone you can count on immediately. It’s next to impossible to put all your energy into helping your mate grow while at the same time, trying to raise a family, minister and work. You need to have a partner who already has a good amount of Bible character.
King David’s choices gives a good example of what I am referring to. David said basically, that while I can’t control what goes on in the neighborhood, I can do so in my house, and here’s what I’ve purposed, “I will walk within my house with a perfect heart” (Psalm 101:2). He stated these adamant words about his close friends and those that he employs. Now why is it important that we choose friends or employees that have good character? Because to promote somebody or to give them the blessing of friendship, is a privilege not a right. When you give someone the blessing of fellowship before they have character, it hardens their bad character. If they can have their cake and eat it too, then where is their motivation to change?
There is also the danger of spreading the infection. If you marry a person with bad character, cross infection will likely occur. David in Psalm 101 gets very specific in his list of the kind of people he will not tolerate in his home. If you or I were to try and imagine who would be included in this list we might say, “He’s probably going to talk about people who do drugs, who are party animals or even people who are dishonest.” But the truth is, the things that he talks about are far less scandalous, but certainly no less dangerous!
First, he states that he is not going to allow spiteful people in his home (vs. 4). A “froward heart” is a unique KJV word that simply means “twisted” – someone who’s all gnarled up inside and unkind. Basically, what David was saying is that he wanted peace in his home even it cost him relationally. In effect he was stating, “I’m not going to marry a gnarled up woman, I’m not going to have a spiteful employee or a close twisted friend, it’s just not going to happen.”
For example: I have noticed that one of the problems with being around a smoker is that you don’t even have to smoke yourself…you will still smell like smoke. I have been in a place where there was smoking, come home and heard my wife exclaim, “Whew…where have you been?” It was all over my clothes even though I had not smoked myself. In the same way I don’t think we realize how much “attitude” gets on us when we’re around spiteful people. Spiteful, gnarled up people just have a tendency to drip on us and David states that he can’t let that happen.
Secondly, he says he is not going to be around a gossiper (vs. 5). I know for me if someone is a serial gossiper then I choose to stay away from them as much as is possible. I am not going to listen to gossip…nothing good will come of that. This is a plain and simple fact.
Thirdly, he said he was not going to have or be around proud people in his home (vs. 5). We’re not going to have those with a “high look and a proud heart.” Talk about wisdom…wow, there could not be any better plan than to steer clear of proud people. Ladies, stay clear of a proud man. Remember the old rock song lyrics, “Who do you think you are Mr. Big stuff?” Amen to that! Guys stay clear of a proud woman. There’s a really good reason for that – safety! Why? Because the Bible says God resists the proud, and I for one do not want to have someone as a close friend whom God is resisting. That sounds flat out dangerous to me! I mean, I need all the help I can get from God, I really don’t want to be on His bad side. I don’t want to be anywhere near when God chooses to send a bolt of lightning towards someone!
Fourthly, deceitful people. The big problem with lying is that if a person will lie to you then there is no telling what’s going to happen next. You can’t trust them. If you can’t trust people, then you’ll never have security. If you’re dating someone, and you are constantly catching him or her in lies, the best policy is to take a step back. If you’re talking with someone and you sense a deceitful spirit then it’s time to back off. You ask, “can’t they change?” Yes, they can and hallelujah people can change dramatically and quickly! But you need to allow plenty of time in order to see their true character come out. It should not be, “They’ve been coming to church for a 6 weeks now, so we’re going to get married.” No, after they’ve been going to church every time the doors are open for a couple of years, then you talk about it. A couple of weeks, or even a couple of months is not nearly enough. You need to make sure that deceptive character is gone, gone, gone…gone! Wait until they’ve been through the low times, wait until they’ve been through the high times, wait until they’ve been through the medium times. Make sure you have seen them in their good and bad times. Because that’s when the character comes out; week after week after week.
2. Corruption is More Easily Transmitted than Sanctification
There’s always a possibility that the negative person we’re interested in can change, but what’s more likely is that the healthy will get sick. There’s a theme from Haggai 2 that illustrates this thought. God uses a common earthly circumstance to teach Israel how to be careful in the matter of separation from the world, “If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch bread, or pottage, or wine, or oil, or any meat, shall it be holy? And the priests answered and said, No” (Haggai 2:12). If a person has a sanctified garment and is eating sanctified meat and drinking sanctified drink (that is, items that have been given to God), and then touches somebody with the item, does that make them holy? Everybody who heard this case study knew the answer…no, of course not, it doesn’t make them holy. The primary context of Haggai 2 was that His chosen people were not to imagine that because they were Jews or priests, that automatically that gives them a guaranteed place in heaven. Nobody gets to heaven because they just hang around someone that is holy.
Then, we are given a second scenario, “Then said Haggai, If one that is unclean by a dead body touch any of these, shall it be unclean? And the priests answered and said, It shall be unclean” (Haggai 2:13). Let’s talk about the opposite issue. Let’s say that someone who is holy according to Old Testament ordinances touches a dead body, does that dead body affect them? Yes, that is true. If I’m around somebody who’s healthy and let’s say I’m sick does that make me healthy? No. It’s possible that their lifestyle might help model some good choices for me, but I don’t automatically get healthy. However, the opposite is true…sick people make the healthy sick!
In churches we sometimes have used the “the buddy system” to help in Christian formation. That is, we assign a mature Christian to a new or struggling believer to help them. But this concept has proven to be a stick of dynamite for us. It might work, but it also might blow someone’s head off! Let me explain; I believe that if you have a ratio of ten sanctified to the one unsanctified person in a buddy system, then it might work. But if you have one sanctified person and one unsanctified person and think you’re going to give them good help, then I’m telling you the likeliness of that is just not very high. The more likely scenario is that the struggling person is going to start telling you all their woes and you will get sucked into the issue. You get too close and are therefore unable to stay objective. And you might even be tempted to get involved in the sin. “I’m stronger than that”, you say? I have seen the mighty fall, and I can tell you it is a flawed system. Does it work sometimes? Absolutely! Hallelujah, praise God, it works! But it is a stick of dynamite and the likeliness of that explosive going off and something tragic happening, is huge. Corruption is more easily caught than holiness. Sanctification and spiritual formation is a process. It’s not an event that occurs by hanging around someone.
3. Don’t be Blinded by Romance
We see how that in Proverbs 30:23 the odious woman was that way before marriage. She was already crabby, and the guy went ahead anyway. I was counseling a distraught husband once and he was telling me what kind of situation he was in, and boy it was frightful! I said, “From the things you are telling me and from the quickness that it showed up in your marriage, it sounds to me like you were aware of the situation before you were married.” Sadly, he admitted it was true. I said, “Man, this is a tough go…but God is able!” How much easier it would have been for that brother to have avoided the problem altogether by just backing off. The point I’m making here is to not be blinded by romance. There’s certainly a great amount of appeal and charm that happens in our emotions when affection starts. Romance triggers all these amazing hormones, which are wonderful and God-given. But God also calls us not to be stupid! Romance is one thing, but stupidity is something else, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Here God gives a pretty clear concept doesn’t He? Don’t be unequally “yoked.” Don’t get into an unequal partnership. Some Christians will say, “the person I am interested in is a believer so everything is ok.” This verse is not just about unsaved or lost people.
An “unbeliever” could also be a saved person that doesn’t believe and follow the principles of God. Some might protest, “But they’re so nice.” The fact is though if that “nice” person that you’re dating does things that are unbiblical or immoral then the best plan is to just walk away. Taking some time is going to be a good thing for you. Don’t be afraid to let them go, fear never makes for a good marriage. Even if you have had improper physical relations and feel ashamed, you don’t need to carry on out of guilt. It is better to bear the shame for a few bad choices than endure a lifetime of heartache. Bad things happen when people are in bad relationships.
One of the best things you can do if you’re seeing some possible red flags or having second thoughts is to have a season of prayer about things. Maybe you ought to slow down your time together and even fast for a few days and ask God for discernment. Talk to godly people (not just your friends as they want to make you happy and will say whatever they think you want to hear, or whatever is going to be best for them because they don’t want to lose a friend). Talk to your parents. Go to a spiritual authority, and lay out the matter before them. Seek out somebody who you think will be willing to give counsel you don’t want to hear. The last thing you want to do is just hear things that you want to hear when it comes to the serious matter of a lifelong marriage.
God cares about us and He wants us to have wonderful and peaceful relationships that are good for the kingdom of God and our future. Always remember that if this potential mate doesn’t like something about God in you, that is they don’t like the fact that you want to go to church all the time or they don’t like the fact that you pray or they don’t like that you are quoting the Bible or they don’t like that you give so much money to “the church” then they are not against you they are against the Lord in you! If that’s where your heart is and that’s the direction you’re going, then that is where their heart needs to be too.
“Tempered steel” is steel that has been heated up and cooled off and heated up and cooled off repeatedly. Steel that is not tempered is soft and malleable, it can bend quite easily. But tempered steel that has had the impurities burned and beaten out of it makes it strong! That’s the way character is. It’s forged in the heat and from the hammer of bad times and good. God says to marry because you see character and not because you feel hormones! lt is character that counts. When it comes to marriage God is very clear that a wedding doesn’t automatically change bad character. Let’s purpose to have good and godly character and to only draw close to those who are in love with Jesus!
