You can change your world by changing your words. Scripture says “life and death” are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). The ancient dramatist and playwright, William Shakespeare was speaking about a woman who had both outer beauty and inner beauty when he stated, “She that was ever fair and never proud, had tongue at will and yet was never loud.” That same Shakespeare warned others to, “give thy thoughts no tongue.” Some good advice! I know this from experience; the times that I learned to hold my tongue and attitude I have had a much better outcome.
A Bible Teacher I heard once said, “It was only 5 words cost Zacharias (father of John the Baptist)40 weeks of silence (Luke 1)!” I can personally certainly relate to the father of John. There have been times when I have said one foolish sentence to my wife and paid for it for days! Our spouse’s need our grace, not our gripes. It is vital to the health and growth of our marriages that we learn to think before we speak.
Solomon had an incredible understanding heart that God had given him. He had begged God for a discerning heart and the Lord gave him his desire. When you go through the book of Proverbs carefully, you sense that this man had a God-given wisdom about relationships.
I think you would agree with me that life can sure throw us some curve balls. Many start out with high hopes in marriage and home, but things don’t always turn out like we hoped, prayed and dreamed they would. Health, financial or worst of all, relationship issues mess up life’s journey. Solomon knew about all of these things and more. In this verse, He opens up and shares about the heartache of a wayward son or daughter but also about the devastation of having a sour mate.
What we are speaking of in this chapter is totally preventable. We can all change our tongue and our attitudes. There is just no place for constant criticism, nit-picking and grumbling in a marriage. An irritable wife or husband is torture. The Bible states that it actually feels like hearing a constantly dripping faucet! While the context of Proverbs 19:13 is about a wife, and while it does seem to be true that nagging is the besetting sin of women more often than men, men have an equal challenge with taming the tongue. As we apply this scripture, we can certainly do so to both a wife and husband. As the old saying goes, what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
I want to make a plea. If I could I would get down on my knees and beg each of us, I would. Let’s do what we can to fill our homes with the spirit of joy! Life is just too short, my precious friend, to be unkind. I can’t imagine the pain of living with constant nagging, criticism and with no peace in the home. This kind of a life is nothing short of verbal abuse. I think we can live with just about anything but that. If there is not much money in the pot, we can make it. If health is not the best, I think we can live with that but can we live with this constant dripping? No…we cannot possibly endure for this for too long.
Notice First, the constant dripping. I am not talking about a fire hose or a volcano that blows up and then there is peace. We are talking about this constant drip, drip, drip, drip, peck, peck, peck…a consistent crabbiness. We are talking about an irritable disposition. Every day, every hour of the day, they find some reason to make themselves and others around them upset. They are cranky and touchy. The Bible says that an irritable mate is as exasperating as trying to sleep with something dripping in the corner of your room.
Secondly, notice the wonderful gift that a pleasant mate is, as though it were from the very hands of God! Sometimes we imagine that by hounding our mate about their shortcomings we will get the matter resolved, but it is not very likely. A wife needs room for God to work on her. A husband needs room for God to speak. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t communicate and talk through legitimate concerns. Legitimate matters should certainly be talked about, that is only right and just. “Stuffing” your feelings or opinions doesn’t do anything but create resentment. I am a firm believer in open communication. That being said, I think the sense that I get from this verse is that it is more style than substance that makes the difference. That is, God is concerned more about the way we go about clarifying issues than our points of contention themselves.
Before I move on to some practical key points, let me share an encouraging thought about Proverbs 19:14 “…a prudent wife is from the LORD.” I know there are some who feel like they got a raw deal in marriage and that they don’t have a mate that is from God. This leaves them feeling hopeless and as though are destined to a life of dissatisfaction – but that is NOT what this verse is saying. What God really is stating here is that it is God who will create virtue in our mate, as we pray and obey. God creates kindness in them not us. It is God that creates beauty in a relationship – God does it all! A prudent husband or wife is from the Lord. The reason I know that God changes things is because nobody is a completed project the day they get married. The mate that you married was not complete and so God is constantly working on them. The mate that I have today is not the mate that I may have in the future. Thank God that a virtuous husband and a virtuous wife are from the Lord.
What Are Characteristics of Negative Speaking?
#1. Repeatedly Hearing Derogatory Comments
It could be about my gender, that is, constantly criticizing me as a man or woman in general. Or perhaps a person’s physical characteristics, like making belittling comments about the way we look or our mental characteristics.
#2. Insulting of Ideas
There are a lot of dreams, goals and concepts that one may want to share, but they get put down. They hear that it’s dumb or stupid. Or perhaps when different viewpoints are shared that are not right or wrong, but are things that the mate doesn’t especially like, they speak out.
#3. Using Harsh and Foul Language
There is simply never a need for foul language. Constant harshness destroys the spirit of a woman and emasculates a man. An example of this would be changing normal requests into something that is foul. For example, a husband who says, “When is the [expletive]dinner going to be ready?” There is never a need for that kind of speaking.
According to Kellie Holly of Healthy Place, verbal abuse is associated with chronic pain; it creates headaches, stammering, ulcers, spastic colons, indigestion, diarrhea, constipation, stress related heart conditions, sleeping disorders, eating problems, alcohol and drug abuse and even suicide. There is no telling of how many people have committed suicide as a result of verbal abuse. People of all ages kill themselves as a result of bullying. Those who suffer from verbal abuse show the same symptoms as someone who has PTSD. Someone who has been in an abusive relationship is like having served a couple of tours in battle! How terrible! Sometimes in a store I will hear a mother or father speak profanely to a child. I can only wonder if their home is like a war zone day after day.
“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19). Wouldn’t it be an amazing thing if we could just learn to refrain our lips? Self-restraint is not censorship – it is wisdom! I love that phrase “refrain.” We live in a society today where nobody wants to restrain himself or herself from anything. Take the Internet for example. It is terrible the cowardly and unkind way that people speak to and about others on social sites or blog spots today. Too many hide behind anonymity of the electronic age. Our society doesn’t want to refrain themselves about anything. It is really too bad they don’t make human bridles, wouldn’t that be a blessing?!! I am kidding of course, but you get the idea.
It was his first day on the job for a young man as a new clerk in the produce department of a supermarket. A lady came up to him and said she wanted to buy half of a head of lettuce. He tried to sway her from that goal but she persisted, finally he said, “Okay I will go back and talk to the manager.” He went to the rear of the store to talk to the manager but didn’t notice that the woman was walking right behind him. When he got to the back of the store he sneered, “There is some stupid old bag out there who wants to buy half of a head of lettuce, what should I tell her?” Seeing the horrified look on the face of the manager, he turned and saw the woman and said, “And this lady would like to buy the other half, would that be alright?” Relieved, the manager said, “That is fine.” Later in the day he congratulated this boy on his quick thinking. He queried, “Where are you from, son?” He replied proudly, “I am from Toronto, Canada, the home of beautiful hockey players and ugly women.” The manager looked at him and said sternly, “My wife is from Toronto!” Backtracking he said, “Oh, what team does she play for?” Ha!
Here are some helpful ways to T.H.I.N.K. before we speak:
T – Is it True?
“For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips” (Proverbs 8:7).
No more trash talking! We must ask ourselves the same questions: “Is what we are about to say actually true?” Am I certain about this matter, or is it questionable? In a court of law, you have to take an oath to tell the truth. And what do they make you say? “The whole truth and nothing but the truth.” Why do you think they came up with that statement? It is because we humans have a tendency to not tell the truth, or at least not the whole truth. We need to ask ourselves; am I lying in any way? Do I know what I am saying is true?
You would not believe some of the things that have been said about me in my position as a Pastor over the years. I recall one person came to me to clarify some gossip they had heard. The matter was so ridiculous and so next to impossible, that I actually laughed out loud! I wish all things were that easy to deal with but, my oh my, the things the devil puts in some people’s minds is just insane!
This brings up a good point, however. That is this, we need to speak the truth to ourselves as well as to others! I think a lot of times we say lies because we believe lies. Truth is such an important thing in fostering healthy relationships.
H – Is it Holy?
“He that rebuketh a man afterwards shall find more favour than he that flattereth with the tongue” (Proverbs 28:23).
Our talk ought to be truthful, but also pleasant. Solomon says, I have noticed something strange - you can rebuke a man and yet find more favor in the end than if you flatter. Flattering is just lying to get gain. Flattery is not God-seeking, it is self-seeking.
Speaking holy words also means not cursing in any way. Vulgar talking is one thing, and honestly it does seem as though there are times when the only word that fits some situations is crude! But cursing is a whole other matter. We should never take the name of the Lord in vain. I don’t think we should angrily exclaim, “Jesus!” or even “Jeez.” God says in the Ten Commandments that He will not hold people guiltless that curse...wow, that is scary. I think God adds that little phrase because we excuse ourselves of unholy speaking when we are mad. God says whatever else you do – DO NOT take my name in vain. On that note, isn’t it strange how you can curse God regularly in public today via internet or airwaves but you certainly can’t curse Allah, the god of Islam, or you will be dead!
I – Is it Inspiring?
Will what I am about to say inspire others or depress them?
“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4).
Notice that last phrase, “a breech in the spirit.” Breaking the spirit of our mate or children by calling them stupid, klutz or another belittling name; is not inspiring. What I have noticed about what breaks the spirit is that it is not the truth that bothers people as much as the tone. Our tone, when it comes to truth telling, either builds a wall or a bridge. There is speaking the truth that makes defenses go up and then there is speaking that brings peace and healing. I am sure that a lot of it has to do with the manner in which we communicate.
What is the mood and feel of our words? How are we coming across? A good example might be going to the doctor. When my wife, Lynette, was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer we went through a plethora of physicians. Most of them were thoughtful and several were almost miracle workers, as they were extra kind and helpful. Others…well lets just say they needed to go back to medical school for a refresher course on bedside manners! The truth is not always the issue as much as it is how we speak the truth. I am convinced that we can talk to each other truthfully and still have love if we do so gently.
One day I got tired of constantly pulling weeds in my flowerbeds, as they just kept coming back. So I said, “I am just going to spray them with weed killer!” It worked great…on the weeds, AND on the flowers next to the weeds. In the same way, our spouse and beautiful little children are like the flowers that are vulnerable as we blow our way through life trying to fix things with toxic “truth”!
N – Is it Necessary?
Do I really need to say this?
“The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness” (Proverbs 10:32).
A wise person knows what is appropriate, but the mouth of the foolish just speaks out dishonesty. Is it really necessary to talk about certain people? Or situations? Or observations? One little gauge I personally use in discerning if I should talk about matters is this – is it necessary for the health, safety or welfare of my family or others? Even if talking about things is unpleasant, there might be a time when it IS necessary. So much of our speech however is simply not necessary. So much of our talk is unpleasant. Why do we need to talk about unpleasant things? I really marvel at the verbal skills of my precious wife, Pauline. We will go on a little trip somewhere and she is such a delightful companion. She will just talk about the trees and then the flowers and how she used to grow certain flowers, which helps me see and enjoy the beauty around me. I marvel at this ability to make wonderful conversation. It is very pleasant and warm. How wonderful to have an acceptable way of speaking.
The TV show “Mythbusters” was trying to debunk old-time cannonball myths, when something went wrong! “This cantaloupe sized cannon ball … tore through a cinderblock wall, skipped off of a hillside, and flew 700 yards east, it bounced in front of a home, ripped through the front door raced up the stairs, blasted through a bedroom, then exited the house leaving a perfectly round hole in the stucco. It went across the six lane road, took out several tiles from the roof of a home then slammed into a beige Toyota minivan in front of someone’s house.” Our words are like that cannon ball at times. They just blow through houses, communities and nations. Who knows the millions of people that have lost their lives over the years, because of ill-advised words spoken by some arrogant leader that ended up putting a nation into war! Far too often I find myself plowing through stuff around me like a cannon ball. Oh, God help me!
K – Is it Kind?
“There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health” (Proverbs 12:18).
You know, sometimes, we are just plain mean and cranky aren’t we? Especially when we don’t get our way, or when things aren’t going like we want them to go. I have a friend of many years who I really admire, Education Pastor Jeff Craig. Almost on a daily basis a parent of a student at the Christian School he leads, will have an issue. We’ve seen over the years how that when it comes to people’s children, parents are rather intense and do not speak as kind as they should. It takes a lot of God given patience to deal wisely in these kind of situations. Pastor Craig keeps a great attitude, which helps make him a very successful leader. The following paraphrased story I once read reminds me of the kind of wisdom that Jeff displays in his normal routine:
A man’s son had just gotten a terrible grade in his senior year of high school and the father was livid. He was afraid that this bad grade was going to really hurt his son’s chances of getting into a good school for college. He rushed down to the school, after seeing his son’s report card, and confronted the teacher. The father then stormed down to the office to give the principal the riot act as well. But the principal diffused the inflamed situation by saying some wise words, “I can tell you love your son very much.” Now, isn’t that a wonderful way to say it? When the father heard these words, he became a pool. Rivers of tears coursed down his face. That really was his desire. But his “love” took the wrong path.
May God use our words and may we T.H.I.N.K. before we speak.
