Sometimes as humans, we are our own worst enemy. This chapter is about making choices that are wise for the long haul, that is, about being our own best friend. Someone said that a great marriage is like a first rate hotel, expensive but worth it! Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate but through being the right mate. Another said, a little more humorously, all marriages are happy, it is the living together afterward that causes all the trouble! One wise guy said that marriage means commitment, of course so does insanity!
We are going to focus on the role of a wife and mother in this chapter, because Proverbs plainly lays it out. Proverbs 14:1 is a contrasting proverb. God puts a wise person next to a foolish one and shows us the difference. The words foolish and wise are Bible words. They are not meant to be condemning, but rather descriptive. Solomon, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, is just saying, “Here is what I have observed over my life.” We get a first hand look at what it is that strengthens a family and what weakens it.
Four Ways a Wise Woman Strengthens her Family:
1. She is Fruitful
Proverbs 14:1 says, “Every wise woman buildeth her house…” Notice that she “builds.” In the Hebrew language the common word ben means “children of.” The word “house” is a common metaphor for the word, “family” or “children.” A wise woman is a builder, that is, she helps build a heritage.
When a wife is fruitful through having a good number of children as the Lord gives them, then according to scripture, she is a builder. God told Adam and Eve to, “…Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth” (Gen. 1:28) Clearly, God explains that He wants His children to be fruitful, or fertile as the common phrase would be today. God also calls us to “replenish.” When you replenish something you bring it back up to where it was originally. If someone asks, “would you like me to replenish your tea?” My answer is, “Yes, fill it back up.” When we replenish a family, we bring it back up to the original call of God. I have never found a place in scripture where the command given to Adam and Eve 6,000 years ago, was rescinded. It is obvious to me that God still wants many children to be born. Consider what would happen if a Christian couple was free to decide on their own, without God’s input, if they wanted children or not. It is likely that many couples, because of the expense involved of living in today’s world or the challenge of raising a larger family, would forego child rearing. Well, in just about two or three generations then, we would have very few Christian homes, if any, all because they opted not to “replenish.”
What does it take to replenish the earth today? According to Rickety Studies the total fertility rate (TFR) has been declining since 1950. If you go to third world countries, where there is a higher rate of infant mortality because of poor medical care, then the “replenish rate” is almost four children. That is, it takes about 4 children per family to keep the population even. Worldwide, the average number of children necessary to keep the population even is between 2 and 3. Which means every couple in that particular nation needs to have slightly more than 2 children to replace themselves, and then 1 to allow for mortality. The point is, that it takes a good number more than just 2 children to actually replenish. There are many countries in the world today, that are actually in what sociologists refer to as a “birth dearth.” A birth dearth is a term for the state of a country that has a birth rate that is falling behind in replenishing. About the only nations today that are growing are some of the equatorial countries in Africa and a few of the Arabic nations like Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Every other country on the face of the earth has an aging population. And in places like China, the birth dearth is epidemic, largely because of the government’s childbirth laws. But these laws have now become part of the public mindset. Those laws and also poor economic conditions, convince most families to only have one child. Because of the lack of replenishing, other places like France, Spain and even Russia, are now actually giving financial incentives for couples to have more children – go figure!
But notice, this verse doesn’t say just to replenish the earth. If it stated that, then perhaps we would say 3 children is enough. But God very clearly says to His people that He wants them to multiply. The Hebrew word multiply means “numerous, to increase exceedingly. Simply stated, God wants us to have a bunch of children! Of course, it makes a lot of sense for Christians to have many children, especially if they grow up and live godly lives. What a huge impact godly generations can have, not only on a future family tree, but a region and even a nation!
Over the years people have asked me this question, “How many children should Christians have in order to be obedient?” Let me relate a few wise words that men and women of God have shared with me over the years about that matter. I recall hearing a Christian OB Doctor say, “Really, I don’t know that the question is how many children we should have, but rather how many blessings do you want?” I thought to myself, what a tremendous way to put God’s value on children into perspective. The president of Southeast Baptist Theological Seminary, Albert Mohler, Jr., stated, “There is a scriptural mandate for having children…the tenor throughout scripture is that children are a blessing…should Christians be fruitful and multiply?...absolutely!” Dr. John R. Rice, who had a huge impact on my life personally, was one of the last old-time, large citywide evangelists and was also a great Bible teacher. Dr. Rice used to say that, “the amount of children that a couple should have is based on how much faith God has given.” How much faith do you have? Faith for 6 sons and daughters…or 9…or how many? He believed God would give you the number of children in proportion to your faith. I will say then, this suggests that the decision is not merely a husband or a wife’s alone, but it is one that they should make together with God’s leading.
Personally, I have always felt like the God who runs the universe knows what He is doing. I never could figure out a way, while keeping my conscience clear, to cut off Godly seed. I just think that God is the greatest family planner of all! We must understand, however, that there are circumstances where certain health matters and medical conditions make pregnancies unwise or unsafe or at least a large number of them. I certainly think that we should allow for this unfortunate scenario. I don’t think any discerning Christian would condemn a couple in this situation. I would add that if this is the case, don’t get sterilized, use abortive devices, the pill or withhold yourself from one another. Find another way, such as condoms, to temporarily postpone pregnancies and then do your best to remedy the medical problem so bearing more children remains possible once the situation is resolved.
I can say this about the challenge of having a large family, it can be hard to bear at times, especially at about the 10-year mark of marriage when you might have four “single digit” young ones running around your feet. It can be physically, mentally and emotionally taxing. But eventually, with the Lord’s help and good order in the home, you will get into a groove and then it slowly begins to get easier. When the older brothers and sisters can start lending a helping hand, it is a real blessing. Your relationship with the kids can move past just that “direction” stage and into more of a “coaching” style. Then, before you know it, the relationship with your older children will morph into a “friendship” stage, which makes life so rewarding! When parents of large families are in their thirties and forties, it can be tough. But when you get up into your sixties and beyond, life takes on so much meaning and fullness!
In all my years of talking to the elderly I have never gone into a rest home and heard these words, “I sure wish I would not have had any children.” But sadly, many times I have listened to regret as they wished they had had more sons and daughters. When you visit rest homes, what do see on the walls of the resident’s…pictures of cars or children? Children…and their children’s children! Many of these lonely people will say, “I wish I had had more.” There is a wonderful song by Michael Card, “The Spirit of the Age”, which states very eloquently,
The voices heard of weeping and of wailing
History speaks of it on every page
Of innocent and helpless little babies
Offerings to the spirit of the age
No way of understanding this sad and painful sign
Whenever Satan rears his head, there comes a tragic time
If He could crush the cradle then that would stop the cross
He knew that once the Light was born His every hope was lost
Now every age has heard it, the voice that speaks from Hell
“Sacrifice your children and for you it will be well”
The subtle serpent’s lying, His dark and ruthless rage
Behold, it is revealed to be the spirit of the age
2. She is Faithful
“Every wise woman buildeth her house…” (Proverbs 14:1)
A builder is a “wise” woman. What is wisdom? A wise woman knows the word of God. It is not just studying the word; it is walking in the word. There is no amount of parental training that can take the place of a woman having a vibrant and personal spiritual life. A faithful woman knows how to get a hold of God in prayer. She serves joyfully in a Bible-believing church and makes sure they tithe and give generously. She cares about souls and seeks to reach out with the gospel. She is faithful in serving God! As she grows God’s family, God builds her family.
3. She is Facilitating
She is characterized by diligence and by industry. She is always finding resources to build up. An example of this is facilitating with home education. It is not like she has to be a full-time teacher and principal but she should be involved her children’s education. When a woman is involved in her son or daughter’s education it really strengthens her bond with them, and with her husband as well – as he sees her godliness. She also can promote good healthcare by preparing nutritious meals and encouraging everybody to exercise. Keeping her family active in ministry through the local church is crucial to building strong home while facilitating strong personal spiritual walks and fostering a Biblical worldview.
She is resourceful. Learning ways to reasonably reduce and control costs is also an important part of being a wise woman. She becomes creative by not eating out too much or by finding less expensive ways to get educational materials. I can tell you from personal experience what a blessing my precious and incredibly resourceful wife has been to our home.
4. She is Familiar
“Every wise woman buildeth her house…” (Proverbs 14:1)
Notice how that she builds her house. She knows it is her house and she is mindful, that it is her life. She realizes that somebody else is not going to come along and do the job. She is attentive to the basic physical, mental and emotional needs of her husband. There are four basic needs that every man has. The first one is food; guy’s love home cooked meals. There is just something about that wonderful feeling of coming home after working all day, walking in to an orderly house with some good smells coming from the kitchen and then topping it off with a cheerful wife to greet you with a big kiss. There is nothing that can match that feeling! The second need is loving; there is a deep-seated connection between his body and his spirit. A man that has a healthy sex life is much more likely to have a growing spiritual life. The number three need he has, is to feel successful. Even if that means that he is the best pencil sharpener in his company, has he needs to feel successful! Sometimes, men may not be so successful at work but it is at a hobby or ability outside of the job where he may excel. Whatever the case, every man needs to feel like a winner! If a wife insinuates, in any way, that he is not a good provider or protector, it cuts to the very core of his heart. Number four; men need fun. Men love to play and goof around. Help him find that and be his playmate! Encourage him to wisely choose a diversion. I don’t know that there is a particular order for these actions but I can tell you for me, this nails it. Men aren’t too complicated…prioritize these four things and see what happens!
I once shared these items with a gal who was concerned about the state of her marriage and these truths hit her like a ton of bricks. She looked at me with an incredulous look and said, “I never really knew those desires were his basic needs…I just felt like that is what he wanted…I didn’t know that this is the way God made him!”
A woman who builds her home should be familiar with her children’s needs as well. Children are impressionable. Whether young or old, they are like little sponges. The words given to them are important, however, the attitude perceived behind the words is more heard than the verbiage itself. What children need, and what a husband needs is a warm spirit, not a fussing, moody person. A mother should watch not only watch what is being said, but also how it is being said.
There are some things only a mom can provide. A young mother went down to the nursery of the hospital, and found her young husband peering down at his little newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell that he was captivated. She was deeply touched and finally tiptoed behind him and slipped her arm into his and said, “Honey, what are you thinking about?” He said, “I cannot understand how they are able to make a crib like this for $89.95, it is amazing!” Moms see things differently than husbands…thank God! Homes need that beautiful sentimentality that only a wife can bring.
Three Ways a Mate Can Weaken the Home:
“… but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” (Proverbs 14:1)
We can’t blame anybody else, when our own hands pluck it down. Sometimes we can learn more from what is not being done than from that which is. This is one of those times we can learn from failure.
1.) Neglect
Obviously there is some spiritual neglect going on. When a mother or a father have a hard time staying consistent in their Bible and are neglectful in prayer and serving God, it eventually catches up with them. You can only go so long faking it with the Lord. You can only go so long on the verses you memorized in Sunday school twenty years ago. Life has a way of finding us out. Have we been receiving “a word” (from the Bible) that we can stand on? Every wise woman has a word she is holding onto every day.
They are neglectful mentally. That is, she doesn’t stay tuned into her husband’s interests. Her husband is suffering and sometimes lonely, but she doesn’t know it or doesn’t really care. Perhaps she is more tuned into Facebook or even her children’ hearts than to look into what he is into.
They are neglectful physically. She doesn’t give any real effort into keeping herself nice. God made men to have eyes for pretty things. Even the president of the United States has eyes. When introducing the new female attorney general (typically a male), he remarked, “She is certainly the best looking attorney general we ever had.” Poor guy had to apologize for his “sexist” remarks later. But that is just the way guys are wired. It doesn’t mean that every woman has to be a size 4 model, but at the same time you can’t be neglectful and expect the relationship to be at it’s best.
2.) Willfulness
An obstinate man or woman tears down the home. Few things destroy a harmonic home any quicker and any more completely than when a wife or a mother gets a resistant heart. A disagreeable, unhappy, independent spirit is a death knell to a home. Personally, I have never really understood what the big deal is about submitting. It is almost as if it were a dirty word, even in many churches. I’m sure there have been some terrible abuses of authority. But yielding is actually a key spiritual concept in scripture (as in yielding to the Holy Spirit). A wise Bible teacher I once heard said, “yielding is the willful act of submission to the delegated leadership of another.” That is such a great functional definition that really puts the heart of the matter into perspective. There should be no reason to get upset with the leader who is just doing his job. The Bible says “blessed are the meek” (Matthew 5). Meekness is a heart that accepts God’s dealings. We must learn to say, “God I can trust you and trust your ways without disputing, without resisting.” God proclaims that He blesses these people. Someone has to take the high road; someone has to have dignity and respect. As long as two people are constantly vying for the steering wheel of a car there is going to be a crash. A willful spirit month after month, year after year, is going to eventually destroy peace in a home.
3.) Waste
There are many areas we can look at but lets view, for example, the subject of money. I cannot tell you how many times over the years that I have seen an excessive husband or wife, gut punch their mate through wastefulness. It takes much effort to try and bring stability to the finances, only to have their mate second-guess everything, blow off the budget or spend wildly and hide credit cards. This kind of attitude kills the stability of a home.
I was reading a very heartwarming story that speaks to the power of a positive attitude in the home. A certain local TV announcer, who was popular for presiding at beauty contests, was asked to go oversee a beauty contest that they were having in a convalescent home for beautiful senior ladies. The TV host agreed but had no idea how to do this. One by one, all these lovely ladies, dressed to the hilt, paraded by the judges and were asked the question, “What was the most important day of your life?” The contestants would come up to the podium and say things like the day when they got married or when their son or daughter was born and people would applaud…all good answers. One particular 88-year-old lady however shined above them all. She came forward and was asked, “What would you say is the most important day of your life?” And she said spryly, “Why, today of course. Today is the most important day of my life!” When everybody heard her response they all broke into cheers! What a spirit!
