God designed marriage to be the number one priority in our lives outside of our relationship with the Lord. It should be even closer than the biological connection of a mother and her child. As wonderful as it is to focus on your children, the most precious of all relationships is marriage!
Let’s Examine the Six Aspects of a Joyful Marriage:
1. A Good Marriage is a Place of Sanctity and Honor
I see sanctity and honor in Proverbs 12:4. It states that a virtuous woman (a man too) is a crown. A “crown” suggests a throne. A “crown” suggests a kingdom. Have you ever heard the statement, “a man’s home is his castle”? The familiar old quote suggests a place where people can have things the way they want. When you are blessed with a good mate, you will be as happy as though you were a king or queen. You might get beat down in this world, but when the long day is done and you step wearily into your home, you are royalty! Receiving respect, honor and love then is a crown.
A practical example of this would be when a wife speaks in a respectful, honoring tone or when a husband speaks in a loving and gentle way, then the home becomes kingly or queenly. It is a fact that while men and women are profoundly different, all of us appreciate receiving respect and honor! If husbands and wives see their differences as endearing rather than annoying then they will have a home of honor and respect.
The devil is out to destroy every home. The devil is out to lure people into things that will hurt and destroy lives. God has given married couples a great gift, and that gift is the other person! Every home ought to be a place of honor and sanctity, a place where you can come home and feel like your children and your wife (or husband) and others are respectful.
2. Attitudes and Actions Are Either a Public Rebuke or Praise
“…a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband” (Proverbs 12:4).
We are either a crown or a crumb! A crown doesn’t make a person a king. A crown is just a symbol of something. It is a sign that a great honor has taken place. A crown reflects the position bestowed. Our attitudes are crowns. They can become a reflection of who my mate is. When my attitude is sour then I am saying publicly, my mate is sour. If I have the time to serve God in ministry, then much of the credit goes to my wife who has put off her own needs to take care of our home life so that I can serve the Lord. If I have energy and I am not always sick, my wife gets the kudos because she plans balanced and healthy meals and makes sure that we are not always just eating fast food. If I am at peace tonight and if I have a gentle spirit, my wife is to be honored because she has met my intimate needs.
There are also ways that a husband may “crown” his wife. Dear Lady, if you have a husband who willingly provides for your housing, food and transportation needs, you ought to praise him. You may also be earning some income, but God designed that the husband is the accountable one and therefore you do not have to bear that burden.
When an attitude is moody, grumpy and crabby, it is a public rebuke to our mate that they are not meeting our needs. When we walk around with a sour expression it is as if we were saying to everybody, “If I had a better husband or a better wife, things would be so much better.” A crown is a visible symbol – it is the thing that everybody sees first. When you see a person with this beautiful crown, your eyes are drawn to the crown. Our tone, our choice of words, our facial expressions are all “crowns.” We represent our mate – therefore we should be a positive reflection.
Not only should correcting each other publicly be avoided, respect should be given and noticed in the home as well. When the children sass their dad, mom you ought to straighten them up right away! One day as a junior age boy I got the big idea I would call my mom the “old” lady. I came home and said that phrase about mom and my dad looked at me with a glaring look that said, “I do not believe what you just said boy!” Now, when dad’s steel blue eyes would bore into me and his lips would get 1/8 of an inch thin, I knew things were about ready to take off! From that day forward I said to myself, “since I value my life…I will never say that again.” Make sure that your home is a place of sanctity. Make sure that others recognize that this is the place where the husband is honored and where the wife is esteemed.
3. Strong Christians Make for Strong Marriages
“A virtuous woman is a crown…” (Proverbs 12:4)
Proverbs 12:4 states that crowns belong to virtuous people. Notice the integrity, notice the moral fiber of this man and this woman – they are people of virtue! In their personal world they had a walk with God. They have a time of praise with God, a time in the Word and they worship God consistently. We have a responsibility to be close to God for our mate’s sake. My mate needs a spiritual husband or wife. I tell my wife Pauline, “Honey, I need a spiritual word from you. I may come across as having it all together but trust me, I need your spiritual input.”
Strong Christians have not only their private world in order but also their public. Good Christian husbands are men that are hard workers, provide security and are good managers of the household money. The wife is resourceful, a good saver and helper. We also ought to be strong Christians that are faithful to church and ministry. We ought to be the kind of people that when we have a God-given task it becomes a sacred duty. I am convinced that if we are having marital issues, the first and most important thing to do is to get spiritual. Two spiritual people have a greater possibility of working things out than one carnal and one spiritual (or both carnal). If you can both get as spiritual as you possibly can, I have got to believe that even in the absence of compatibility, somehow you will make it work. Since God tells us that we can love even our enemies, then surely we can learn to love our mate (and I know in some cases you may feel that is the same person)! Godly character is the greatest way to make a great marriage.
4. There is a One Woman, One Man Commitment
“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)
To be my mate’s joy and crown there must be a one man to one woman commitment. It clearly states that a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband, not another woman’s husband. It’s his wife. His eyes are only for her. A woman’s heart is only for her husband. Where is your heart? Does your friend have your heart or your husband? Does your mom still have your heart or have you given it to your wife? Is your heart with someone at work or home? One of the Ten Commandments states that we must never covet somebody else’s husband or wife. We are to never, ever think that we would be better off with another person’s husband or wife. We need to recognize that everything we need for our happiness – God has already given to us.
There should be a dogged faithfulness for the body, soul and spirit of our mate. There has never been a day when temptation has been so convenient and so wide ranging. We must not cheat on our mate either physically or emotionally. If I were to ask you, are you more loyal to anybody else than to your mate? What would your answer be? What would your mate say? I know we may think or convince ourselves that we are loyal…but would our mate have a different response? Do you have more of a connection with a friend, mother or daughter than your husband? Brother, are you closer to your buds or your bride? There must be nothing or no one that comes between a husband and a wife. This is our highest priority! Our eyes and our commitment should be to them.
Barbara Bush, the former first lady, gave a commencement address at Wellesley College. In her speech she said some powerful words about marriage, “As important as your obligation is as a doctor, a lawyer or a business leader, your human connections with your spouse, your children and your friends are the most important investment you will ever make. At the end of your life you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal, but you will regret time not spent with your spouse…” May God give us a dogged commitment to our mate.
5. Each is Supportive of Each Other’s Roles
If I am going to do marriage wisdom’s way, I am going to be supportive of the roles of a husband and wife. You cannot read Proverbs 12:4 without realizing there are some definite roles that are defined. In this verse, the husband is depicted as the head, and the wife as the crown. A crown can’t function unless there is a head. A head just doesn’t have the same influence without a crown. The husband willingly assumes the role of spiritual leader. In 1 Peter 5:2, Peter reminds aspiring pastors that they should “take” the oversight. Don’t just sit there and twiddle your thumbs, take it!
Husbands, you ought to tell your family what time Family Bible is, you ought to help your children have a schedule that will assist them in having a godly life, you ought to make sure there is a time for dinner where everyone sits down together, you ought to make sure that there is Christ honoring music in the home. If you will “take” the leadership, your wife will follow. You have got to be lovingly stronger than her. You have got to be the strongest one in the family. Strength is not meanness or harshness or loudness, but godly determination. If you can’t get your family to go to church then maybe you need to analyze your approach. Last time I checked, when a leader says something followers are supposed to do it. If you can’t get them to listen, that may be your problem not theirs. You are the spiritual leader. Your wife is the crown and she is going to shine if you will be the head.
Now, sweet sister, you should support your husband cheerfully. Trust God to work on his heart. Reject an independent spirit. Get behind him and be the crown. The husband’s role in scripture is very clear and definite. He is accountable to God. But the wife also has a role. Sadly in today’s world many husbands would love to lead but there is so much contention in the home, it is like trying to fight through a tornado – you can hardly make any headway. Come on now ladies, get behind him, be his cheerleader and then watch God do mighty things through your humility! Trust God with your heart. Trust God with your future. Trust God with your hurts.
Let’s make sure that we are the kind of people that support one another in our God-given roles. We make our life what we want it to be. We can’t change God’s roles, they are something He put into play, but we can change our attitude about them and watch Him work in a wonderful way.
6. Avoid an Unholy Life
“…she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)
The sinful, unbiblical life of your mate is as miserable as it gets. In fact, God states in this verse that such a marriage is like cancer (rottenness)! We know that the marrow of the bone is that which supports disease-fighting capabilities. Once disease “rots” the bone, the treatment options are limited and can be painful and invasive. This is a sobering illustration when applied to a marriage relationship.
There Are Four Unholy Influences That Destroy a Happy Marriage:
First, a worldly spirit – When a husband or wife gets captured by carnality it affects so many areas. It could be gambling, clubbing, social-drinking or skipping church. However it may be expressed, when a husband or wife gets this spirit it seems to affect everyone around them.
Second, Slothfulness – Having a lazy spirit. Laziness is not usually isolated to one area of a person’s life and it doesn’t just affect that person only. When a husband or wife is slothful in the area of their appearance, for example, it can foster a deep unhappiness. Wives would do well to remember that men are hardwired with masculine eyeballs that are visually stimulated. Sister, please don’t wear a nightgown to bed that is 30 yrs. old and has been through the baby battlefield. Give that guy a break!
Brothers, don’t let yourselves go either. Realize that sitting on the couch, unshaven for five days with a suspicious odor is not an attractive sight to your wife. I know this doesn’t sound real spiritual but keeping up and improving ourselves physically is a way to be our mates joy and crown. Slothfulness can also be seen when we are short on spiritual disciplines such as meditating on Scripture, tithing or rising early to get a Word from the Lord. It can also be seen when a husband is slack vocationally or won’t do what it takes to go to the next level or even get a second job if necessary or maybe won’t work at all. These are sure ways to destroy the joy in a home.
Third, Extravagances - Materialism kills the spirit of our mate. When we ruin the financial peace of our home by credit card spending or increasing our debt load for stuff, it is disheartening to our spouse. A lack of contentment on our part will drive our mate to a never-ending pursuit to try and please us.
Fourth, Lust – This is just a gut punch to a marriage. There is nothing more betraying then to find out that our mate has been unfaithful. Whether it is emotional or actual, cheating is a terrible disservice to do to the one who has given their life to serve and to be our companion. An unholy husband is a great grief to a godly wife, it breaks her heart deeply. She is a tender and sensitive vessel. God calls her “a weaker vessel.” An unholy wife is a great disappointment to a godly husband. It is tragic when a good man has to hang his head in public shame because his wife is not a godly woman. In private his soul is in agony. We must stay clear of anything and everything that tries to steal the honor of our marriage.
The well-known African American Pastor, Dr. E.V. Hill of central Los Angeles was caught up in the midst of incredible racial tension. Even though he was a voice for righteousness, calm and reconciliation he got a threatening call saying that he would be killed if he didn’t stop! He realized enough to know this was no idle threat. The people who called said they would bomb his car if he didn’t quit. The very next day he went outside and noticed his car wasn’t there. Just then he saw his wife driving up in the car. He ran out to her and cried out, “what are you doing?” She looked him in the eye and said, “Honey, I wanted to make sure that there was no bomb in this car that would explode on you.” That is a crown! May God help us to be a crown and a joy to our mate.
