When Things Don’t Work Out
Matthew 19: 1-12
Scott Grant writes about a Time Magazine article where Caitlin Flanagan observes that, while the divorce culture has become a fact of life over the past twenty-five years, the middle class has turned weddings into “overwrought exercises in consumer spending, as if by just plunking down enough cash for the flower girls’ dresses and tissue-lined envelopes for the RSVP cards, we can somehow improve our chance of going the distance.” In our culture, marriage means less, but we spend more on our weddings. Go figure. Flanagan concludes with these ominous words about the future of our country: “What we teach about the true meaning of marriage will determine a great deal about our fate.” That’s been the purpose of this message series to share God’s teaching about the foundation of the institution He created, marriage, and the keys to a successful, lifelong and highly happy relationship.
Last week, I shared Shaunti Feldhahn’s research on marriage and her startling findings that 80% of all marriages self report they are happy or very happy. We shared the 12 Secrets she has found of Highly Happy Marriages and that the actual divorce rate is less than 30%. But even that is too high and we’ re paying the price. Here are some shocking facts about divorce:
- There is a divorce every 13 seconds. That’s 6,646 divorces per day, and 46,523 per week
- Both spouses have a significantly lower standard of living after divorce
- The divorce rate of couples with children is 40 % lower than couples without children
- The divorce rate is the same for same-sex couples as for both sex couples. IN fact, after the Supreme Court decision on sam-sex marriages, the first couple who lined up at the Jefferson Parish registrars office did so to get a divorce
- People who wait to marry after 25 are 24% less likely to get divorced
- Living together prior to marriage increases likelihood of divorce by as much as 40%
- Divorce costs individuals, communities, and government $33.3 billion annually
But perhaps those who pay the biggest price in divorce are the children. Christian Counselor Norman Wright shares his own experience. “’Come into the living room, children. We have something we need to tell you.’ That's how our parents told us they were not going to be together anymore. After they told us they were divorcing, I sat under the table and my mind replayed again and again the words my father said. I didn't know then what it all meant, but I soon learned. After Dad left, I looked through the drawers where he kept his clothes and found an old sweatshirt he left behind. I hid it in my room and kept it for years. I would cling to it when I was lonely for him. My father came back to see us a few times, but his visits became less and less frequent. Finally his visits stopped completely. I always wondered where he went. I wondered if he thought about us very much. I hoped that he did. But I guess I'll never know.” Now an adult, that pain is still very much a part of his life.
- 43% of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. This is the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to teenage pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence against women
- 28% of children living with a divorced parent are at or below the poverty line
- Children of divorced parents suffer academically, are twice as likely to drop out of high school and less likely to attend college.
- Children of divorce have higher levels of depression as well as lower levels of love, commitment, and trust in their future relationships with the opposite sex
- Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile
- Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families
There are few people here today whose lives haven’t been touched in some way by divorce. What are the top signs of an impending divorce? 1) dreaming of life without the spouse; 2) the bad in the marriage outweighs the good; 3) a lack of communication. Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls “the 4 Apocalyptic Horsemen” that when present predicts divorce with a 94% accuracy. They are a) Criticism b) Contempt: long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect. c) Stonewalling: which is withdrawing emotionally or physically from the conversation. d) Defensiveness which leads to denial and an unwillingness to take ownership and thus, usually turns into a blame game. Fourth, one spouse feels like they are the only one trying to solve problems; and 5) the couple rarely, if ever has sex.
So what does Jesus have to say about divorce? In our Scripture today, the Pharisees asked Jesus, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?" They were referring to Deuteronomy 24:1 which says, “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house.” There were two schools of thought in Judaism in Jesus’ day regarding this passage. Rabbi Hillel agreed with it and said you could divorce your wife for any reason. Rabbi Shemaiah disagreed and said the only reason you could get a divorce is for marital infidelity. There are several things today we learn from Jesus about marriage and divorce.
First, God should guide us in our attitudes and actions toward marriage and divorce. Jesus says, "Haven’t you read?" In other words, for Jesus, the authority for all things including marriage is the word of God. As Christ followers, we are to make the Bible our authority for life. Second, marriage is God ordained. "Haven’t you read that in the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one, therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Marriage is more than a social contract. It is a God ordained union. When we make those vows, it is something God joins us together and what God joins together, we do not have the power or right to dissolve.
Third, divorce is not God’s will. It was never in God’s created plan and desire for us. In fact, God says in Malachai 2:16, "I hate divorce." Those are strong words! In fact, in the beginning, there was no divorce. "Anyone who divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another woman commits adultery." But it soon became apparent because of the hardness of people’s heart that divorce is sometimes necessary. It takes two to tango but what happens if one no longer wants to dance? The health of any marriage depends on the commitment of both persons. When Jesus says, "What God has joined together”, he is using the illustration of two oxen joined together. Equally, the oxen pull together for God’s full purpose in relationships. When one is committed to pull and the other is not, that is called hardness of heart. It takes two to sustain a healthy relationship. In the beginning, the only reason for divorce was sexual immortality. But Jesus makes the case that sexual immorality does not necessarily equate divorce. Only when there is a lack of forgiveness in either party is that considered hardness of heart. Saying you are sorry is not the same as saying you repent. If one party continues to practice infidelity or if they are not willing to put in the work to rebuild the relationship and the trust in each other, that is hardness of heart and is destructive to any relationship.
We have to realize marriage is sacred and should not be betrayed or violated. Pastor Mike Slaughter talks about a time when he and his wife didn’t feel like we loved one another. They didn’t like each other. Listen to what he says: “We discovered it wasn’t love that sustains the promise, it is the promise that sustains the love. It came down to lordship. If you follow Jesus, he is not just a Savior, he is Lord and what he says, we need to answer "yes," even if we disagree or don’t understand. God knows what is best for us. His word is given as our guidance, protection and provision. When we ignore God's word and try to go our own way, that’s when we get into trouble. Lord means "absolute authority. When we came to the realization that Jesus is Lord of our lives, and our desires are not our own authority, then we no longer have excuses, and divorce cannot be an option.”
How many of you were naïve about what marriage really is and what it takes before you got married? Before you say, "I do" understanding marriage is critical. This is why I do not marry a couple without pre-marital counseling. Most studies have found that premarital counseling reduces the likelihood of divorce by 30% or more. Like anything, you get out of it what you put into it. I usually spend six weeks talking through their relationship and the inevitable challenges every marriage faces.
There are many reasons for divorce: Adultery, addiction, arguing, communication problems, financial problems, differing values over kids, money, sex and finally, abuse. Many of these are an indication of hardness of heart. I want to say this: So many times I see a person stay in an abusive marriage because he or she knows God hates divorce, but God hates something more than divorce and that is hardness of heart. Abuse can be verbal, physical or spiritual--all are destructive. Hardness of heart occurs when there is no repentance, no equal respect and no honoring the image of God in the other person. Even though God hates divorce, he allows it because he desires the preservation and well-being of the person being abused.
In light of all this, can you get remarried? Yes. There are various Scriptures which we won't go into today where remarriage is permitted. But before you remarry, spend a significant time in individual counseling for yourself and in pre-marital counseling. Before you say, "I do" again, understanding marriage and your role in the failure of the relationship is critical.
If you are in the midst of a divorce or are divorced, there are some things that God would say to you. Divorce is a painful thing. There are amiable divorces. I guarantee that one person is having their hearts ripped out. Friendships, family, children and financial status are all hurt from divorce. There is no such thing as a painless divorce. This not what God wants for you but know that God is with you in this journey and will never turn his back from you. But if you have exhausted all options and must divorce then there are ground rules every Christian need to follow. First, if you are divorced or are in the process of getting a divorce, remember your spouse or ex-spouse is still a child of God, no matter what a wretch they may have been or are being. They are a child of God and need to be ministered to and prayed for. They are someone who is worthy of at least the same treatment Jesus tells us to treat our enemies. Second, be just and fair toward your spouse, regardless of what they have done to you. That means vengeance cannot be a part of divorce. God says that even in the midst of this terribly painful time of your life, I am expecting you to be a Christ follower and to be fair and just. You cannot seek to destroy another human being, no matter how much they may have hurt you. Many studies found that mediation leads to a more positive, equality driven split than litigation does. Third, child support is a spiritual issue. If you are a parent who is required to pay child support, this is not merely a legal requirement. It is a spiritual issue. God holds you accountable for taking care of and providing for your children. This is God’s expectation whether you are married or divorced. You do not hurt your spouse, you hurt innocent children and you hurt your standing before God. Fourth, don’t put your children in the middle of the divorce. Don’t use them to get back at your ex spouse, no matter how awful your ex-spouse might have been or how much they might hurt you. Don’t air your dirty laundry to your children. They don’t need to hear these things. This is a matter only between you and your spouse.
This morning, Jesus would say two things to us. First to those of you who are struggling in your marriage and may have even secretly thought of divorce, he would say there is so much potential in your marriage, if you would only give God a chance to work through you. Keep working at it, keep fighting and let God bring healing, understanding and reconciliation. Shaunti Feldhahn has found that couples who hit a rough patch and were unhappy in their marriage, if they just stuck it out, 5 years later they were happy again.
To others of you who have experienced the pain, grief and heartache of divorce, God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” and in this dry and painful season of your life “If you ask me, I will give you living water and you will never be thirsty again.”
