Physical Intimacy
Song of Solomon
A young pastor was once asked to preach a sermon on sex. Being somewhat reserved, he found himself embarrassed when he came to write the word “sex” while writing his sermon. To remove this discomfort, he decided to simply put the letter “S” wherever the word “sex” was to be used. During his preparation, his wife came in and looked over his shoulder. She noticed the letter “S” planted liberally throughout the text and asked him what the topic for the sermon was. Embarrassed even to tell his wife the topic he said, “Uh…sailing! That’s what the sermon’s about, sailing.” His wife thought it a bit of an odd topic for a sermon, but guessed sailing might be a good analogy to the Christian life. On Sunday she was sick with the flu and missed church. Her husband however preached a terrific sermon. Although he started nervously, he warmed to the topic as the sermon progressed and handled the matter most tactfully. The following week, a member of the congregation was speaking to the pastor’s wife. “Oh your husband preached a beautiful sermon last Sunday. He handled a difficult topic well and I found what he had to say rather helpful.” “Well that is a surprise! I’m afraid I didn’t think he’d be of much help to anybody. After all, he’s only ever done it twice, and both times, he went overboard!”
The last few weeks we’ve been talking about developing intimacy in a sexually charged world. Intimacy is like a three legged stool. You need all three to be balanced in marriage: emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy and today we’re introducing the third, physical intimacy. You will never experience the depth of intimacy that God created and intended for marriage until you have all three actively present, including physical intimacy. For too long, followers of Christ have danced around the subject of sex in the church and from the pulpit or avoided it all together. And the result is that we have allowed the culture in which we live to hijack the subject and God’s design for it. Now, sex is everywhere, even when it shouldn’t be. The entertainment industry, advertisers, and marketers have defined what sex is, shaped how we think about it and made it to be a completely physical and self-centered pursuit. Most of what we read, learn or hear about sex in our culture is misinformation, whether that be from movies, psychologists on TV or publications like Cosmo and Playboy. That’s because they’re seeing it from a human perspective. But God created sex and he said it was good! God thought it up. God made love so we can make love with our spouses. Sex is so much more than a physical, pleasure seeking act. It is a gift from God that is emotional, physiological, psychological and above all, spiritual. Yes, spiritual! While our culture has taken sex too far, the church hasn’t taken it far enough. We need to take sex back and reclaim it for the intended purposes of God. The problem is that we have not thought deeply enough about it, that is from God’s perspective. God has much to say about sex. In fact, he’s written the greatest sex manual ever written, the Song of Solomon.
In chapter 7, it reads: “How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands. Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies. Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon…Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses. How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. May the wine go straight to my beloved, flowing gently over lips and teeth. I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside…(and) there I will give you my love” Whew! Is it getting a little steamy in here?
God’s hope for marriage is that we’ll be intimately connected to one another and that includes sex. But what we’re finding is that’s not happening today in marriages. The average married couple is reporting sex 1-3 times a week but I’ve heard people say that they don’t know any couple accomplishing that! And that’s a concern. Christian Counselor Gary Rosberg writes, “Sexual infrequency of once a week or less should be a major cause for concern in any marriage.” What’s causing the lack of physical intimacy in marriage? After the honeymoon period, there are a lot sexcuses or barriers for physical intimacy: an overcommitted calendar, stress and pressures of life, working more hours, unresolved anger, letting ourselves go physically, kids a.k.a. ‘Keeping Intimacy at a Distance Successfully” (put this acronym on the screen) and just plain exhaustion. These block all three types of intimacy and make it difficult for couples to stay bonded and connected to one another. Dr. Ian Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.”
Ed Young has identified seven God given benefits of physical intimacy in marriage. First is to become one with your spouse. “A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 This is the mystery of what happens when you are physically intimate with your spouse. Second is revealing our true selves. Sex requires a level of intimacy, oneness and openness where we become emotionally, spiritually and physically naked with one another. There a sense of giving ourselves completely to one another. Third is thwarting sexual temptation. By fulfilling a very real physical need, it makes us less vulnerable to temptation outside marriage. Fourth is establishing a legacy by giving your children a healthy marriage. As sexual intimacy goes, so goes forgiveness, communication skills, emotional and spiritual intimacy and every other aspect of your marriage. The best gift you can give your kids is a great marriage. Fifth is helping us bring our best. Sexual intimacy means you need to bring your best kindness, courtesy, concern for the other’s needs and unselfishness. When these are present, we’re motivated to be intimate with our spouses. Sixth is helping us concentrate on our spouse. Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” Mutual submission means you’re more concerned with meeting each other’s needs rather than your own. Paul goes on to say, “Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Put more simply, we are to serve and sacrifice to meet each other’s needs, not what you think their needs are. Seventh is cultivating creativity. It’s about loving each other in a more significant and creative way, rather than just falling into the same old routine. Love by its very nature is whimsical, creative and spontaneous.
There’s something that happens in the physical union that bonds a husband and wife together for lifelong success. It’s a sacred union, meaning holy, set apart, exclusive. When a man and a woman come together, you get to know your spouse in a deeper way than you would anyone else. And deep within us is a need to both know and be known intimately by another. This is why it says in Genesis that Adam knew his wife. When the Bible speaks of Joseph and Mary, it says he had no union with her meaning sexual intimacy. It’s why God created physical intimacy so that a husband and a wife can have this deep, abiding, union and knowledge of one another, that you can’t experience any other way. It’s the superglue of marriage.
The deep intimacy of marriage can only be met when we’re working on all three, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and spiritual intimacy. All three are important and have to work together. Emotional intimacy feeds spiritual intimacy and surveys have found that emotional and spiritual intimacy feeds physical intimacy. Paul writes, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent but then come together again.” Studies have found that couples want more sex and think it would strengthen their marriage but there is a shortfall, a deficit, a delta between wanting and having. Today is the day to do something about that. Ed Young is the Pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX. In teaching about marriage, he challenged his church with a sexperiment: to have sex over the course of seven days. What they found is that it become a tremendous catalyst that leads to much more than a week of happiness. Couples discovered:
• A greater sense of purpose for their life together
• A deeper understanding of God’s plan for their marriage
• A more intimate connection with their spouse
• More open communication in their marriage
• True oneness as a couple
This week, I want to challenge you to surrender your marriage to God. Your assignment is to take the sexperiment and have sex seven days in a row. Here are some keys to make that happen. Most couples know there are differences between men and women but never take the time to study, appreciate or pursue those differences as being good and worthy. Many couples assume that the wife will respond like the husband and the husband will respond like the wife. It’s the Golden Rule mentality of sex: If I treat my spouse the way I want to be treated, then we’ll be happy and have a fulfilling sex life. That is never going to happen. Period. It’s that simple! And ultimately, those differences teach us about serving the other person. When we give our spouse what they need, not what we think they need, then we fulfill God’s design for true servanthood. Remember, we are to submit to another and serve one another’s needs in marriage. With that in mind, let me speak to each of you regarding this challenge.
Men, begin romancing your wife again. You did it when you were dating and you’ve got to do it now. Get creative, do the unexpected and avoid the repetitive. Give flowers for no reason but to say, “I love you.” Be impractical and do something over the top! Date your wife, at least twice a month. Go out to dinner, have time alone, talk with each other and have fun together. Give compliments. Affirm what she does right, overlook her failures and remind her how much you appreciate what she does. Especially give public compliments to affirm her value in your eyes. 65% of women say this is their #1 sex need. Affirm them in bed too. Connect emotionally and spiritually with them each day. The first 30 minutes you’re home, talk to each other, inquire into each other’s lives. Listen, really listen. A woman’s emotional need to connect with you is as intense as a man’s physical need to connect. Practice Non sexual touch. That means touching which does not lead to sex. It can be a hug, holding hands in public or snuggling on the couch just for the sake of connecting and helping her feel secure. Don’t let yourself go. If need be, get back in shape, lose the t-shirts and running shorts from your high school years you wear around the house. Try to look your best for her. Ann Landers shares a letter about a couple who had been married for more than 50 years. The husband had spent the last 8 years selflessly caring for his wife who had Alzheimer’s. He cooked for her, fed her, bathed her and dressed her every day. “I cannot describe the tenderness and love that man shows for his wife. She is unable to recognize anyone, including him. But, I observed him when I parked my car beside his the other day. He sat in his old pickup truck for a few minutes. Before he got out, he combed what little hair he had, straightened the threadbare collar of his shirt and looked in the mirror for a final check before going in to see his wife. It was as if he were courting her! (Even after all these years) he carefully groomed himself before he called on his wife, who wouldn’t even know him.” Everyone wants to be loved like that.
Wives, nothing makes a man feel closer to you than being physically and emotionally connected to you. Sex builds connection to you in the same way talking and helping around the house build connection for you. Flirt with him. It’s also the simple things: touching his arm, rubbing his back, playing footsie or rubbing his knees under the table. Gazing in his eyes. Holding hands. Connect emotionally with him. Men want you, need you, to connect emotionally with them as well. They want to know you care, you understand and you’re responsive to their needs. Sometimes the best way to unlock a man’s emotions is through satisfying his physical needs. He will be more able to connect to you emotionally when his physical needs are met and he feels safe with you. When you’re not responsive to his needs, he’s deeply hurt, feels unwanted and unloved and thinks you don’t care. Men are extremely sensitive in the area of sex. One of a husband’s greatest threats to his sense of worth is his sexuality. Wives, husbands want you to initiate sex and be more adventuresome in bed. Get creative. Use your imagination. Take a risk. Men need to know that you desire him. Lisa Young says, If you say no, invoke the 24 hour rule. Say “No, but how about tomorrow?” Visually stimulate him. Realize that men are aroused more by sight so approach him visually like in a negligees. Complement him, build him up, encourage him. Speak candidly about what you want in intimacy. Your husband is not a mind reader and neither are you.
On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong’s first words after stepping on the moon were televised to Earth and heard by millions, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” In 1994 Comedian Buddy Hackett told a joke that when Neil Armstrong re-entered the lander, he made the remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” He went on to say that many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in the Russian space programs. He told the apocryphal story of Neil in 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, Armstrong was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
The Bible says the math of marriage is 1+1=1. We are to pursue intimacy and oneness. through a common faith and pursuing Jesus together, seeking to be emotionally connected together and we are physically bonded together through God’s gift for us. Good luck! and Amen.
