Developing Intimacy in Marriage, Part 2
Genesis 2:20b-24
Last week, we looked at the challenge for followers of Christ of developing intimacy in our relationships in a sex crazed world. Intimacy is like a three legged stool. You have to have all three aspects to be balanced in marriage and to experience all God intends for your relationships. Last week, we introduced the first of three types of intimacy in marriage: emotional intimacy. Paul writes, “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:28 In other words, we ought to be just as in touch with the needs of our spouse as we are our own. And just as we seek to fulfill our needs whether that be hunger, thirst or sleep, we must seek to fulfill the emotional needs of our spouse. The foundation of emotional intimacy is built on trust and vulnerability. You have to be able to trust each other implicitly so that you can be free to be who you really are while still knowing you will be loved and accepted unconditionally.
Our Scripture today teaches us that marriage is a holy union. The actual Greek here means to be brought into completeness. This is not just about being brought into wholeness with another person, we’re talking about a complete union with God reflected in our relationships. There’s a sacred union which occurs within the bonds of marriage meaning it is unlike any other. You get to know your spouse in a deeper way than you know anyone else. Intimacy is like a three legged stool. Image of a stool with emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy Part of that comes through emotional intimacy but the second leg of that stool is spiritual intimacy. So what is spiritual intimacy? In his book, “The Spiritually Intimate Marriage,” Don Harvey says spiritual intimacy is: Being able to share your spiritual self, find this reciprocated, and have a sense of union with your mate. When you attain that, everything changes. You might compare it to the difference between a black-and-white TV and a Plasma HD television, or an old transistor radio to Surround Sound. Marriages which are spiritually intimate are able to enjoy a greater depth of intimacy than those who aren’t connected to each other spiritually.
Norman Wright tells the story of a young woman who came in his office animated: "I never dreamed what has happened in our marriage during the past year was possible. We've gone along for years just sort of ho-hum. Nothing bad, nothing spectacular—just steady. I guess we were in a rut. It was comfortable, and I guess we felt, or I did, that this was the way it would always be. But Jim came home from that men's conference and made all kinds of changes….The first thing he did was come up to me and apologize for not telling me that he prayed for me every day, and had for years. How would I have ever known?...A week later he asked me how I would feel about praying together and reading from the Bible occasionally. I have to laugh now because it's like he wanted me to but wasn't sure how I would respond. So we did. I can't explain why or what happened, but there is this incredible sense of bonding or closeness now that we never had before. We pray. We read. We share. Sometimes I call him and pray a sentence prayer for him over the phone. He does the same. And our sex life is a whole different story (now). Others have seen our relationship change. And when they ask, we tell them….we're finally experiencing what the Bible says about cleaving in the full sense of the word." And then Norman writes, “Spiritual bonding. Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual closeness. Desired, yet avoided. Available, yet elusive for so many… Many marriage partners today feel close to their spouses in every way except spiritually.” Brian Harbour puts it this way, “The greatest single cause of difficulty in the home today is a lack of spiritual concern. Either purposely or inadvertently, we leave God out of our marriages.” Marriage, more than anything is meant to be a spiritual commitment. This is what God intended and yet so few achieve it in their marriage.
Why aren’t couples closer spiritually? First, many believe faith is a private matter. As long as we believe this, we will never be as strong as we can be standing together. In 1 Cor. 7:5 Paul calls couples to “devote yourselves to prayer…” Paul is speaking here of the spiritual relationship between a husband and wife which is the foundation to building a great marriage and sustaining a lifelong commitment to one another. We are meant to share the spiritual journey with each other. No man or woman is meant to be an island to themselves in the faith. You hear people say, “I don't need the church. I can worship on my own.” Well, let me ask you a question: if there’s war going on, would you rather fight that battle alone or with others by your side. Brothers and sisters, whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s a spiritual battle going on. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This is why Paul calls us to “Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil ….”
A number of years ago I came across an interview with Bono of the rock band U2 just after they had completed their album, “Achtung Baby” This was a seminal album for the band and he talked about the album and the significant new direction of their music and the themes they explored. But then Bono turned reflective on life: “It all gets back to the fact that it is an extraordinary thing to see two people holding on to each other and trying to work things out. I'm still in awe of two people trying against the world and I actually believe it is against the world because the world is not sticking together. Everything out there is against the idea of being married: every ad, every TV program, every soap opera, every novel you buy in an airport.” We need each other! Just as there is a spiritual battle going on around us, there’s a battle going on against your marriage. Husbands and wives need each other spiritually! We are meant to travel this spiritual journey together.
Second is time. Couples say, "With our schedules, we hardly have enough time to say 'hello' to each other, let alone have devotions together." But I’ve found that what’s a priority, we make the time for. It may take some creative juggling, but it's a choice—like so much of the rest of life. You may have to be flexible but still committed to what you and God want to happen in the relationship. Third is we’re spiritually different. "We're not at the same place spiritually in order to share this together." Paul addresses this when he speaks about followers of Christ marrying unbelievers. Doug Greenwold believes more than 2/3 of the 1st century church were women, but in the culture, men outnumbered the women 140 for every 100. So there were more unbelievers for women to choose from for mates than believers. This posed a spiritual challenge for the new believers Paul was discipling. Usually, the spiritual situation in marriages today is not this extreme. Both may be believers but at different places on the spiritual journey. But what if practicing the spiritual disciplines together would be the very thing that would enable the husband and wife to grow together and become more unified spiritually?
So how can you develop spiritual intimacy? First, don’t expect immediate change. Developing spiritual intimacy takes time and is best accomplish through “baby steps.” Set realistic expectations. Second, pray for your spouse daily. Pray for their needs and seek God’s will for how you can serve your spouse. Every morning, surrender your marriage to Jesus e.g. “Surrender… bless her…protect her…guide her in her life and our marriage.” And then ask the Lord to help you love your spouse in a way that demonstrates the complete love of Christ in you. Third, pray together. This may be one of the most difficult steps. If your spouse is open to it, pray together daily. If your spouse is not very spiritually motivated, then keep prayer very short and do it at a meal or another time that seems less intimidating. And you can grow into it. Sam Ingrassia tells the story of his wife coming to him in the midst of several life trials with their adult kids and saying, “Sam, you failed me. Furthermore, besides the girls, you know what, Sam? I need to connect more with you spiritually.'" He was convicted by her words. Sam raised one hand and said, 'Vicki, I vow -- I promise -- we're going to pray together,'" The Holy Spirit just spoke to him in a very specific way to begin praying with his wife using Scripture as their guide. "I feel like we're praying on the target…(Through Scripture) The Spirit of God is showing us what to pray. Now the prayers are as fresh as the flow of the Word of God itself." If you’re uncomfortable with knowing what to pray together, you can pray through the Scriptures. Don’t know how? We’ve got copies of Sam’s book, “Just Say the Word” which will teach you how. I believe the saying is true: “Couples who pray together, stay together.” Louis Evans, former pastor of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church, writes he “never knew a couple who went ahead with a divorce after first praying together, on their knees, every day, for a week.” Pray together.
Fourth, worship together regularly. A natural part of growing together spiritually is worshipping together. Look for ways to find meaning together when you worship. Discuss your experience and what you got out of it, Use the questions at the end of the outline to further your spiritual conversation over the message. If your spouse doesn’t come to worship with you, ask them to commit to one Sunday a month. Don’t nag them the other three weeks. Just make a big deal out of the one morning a month by going out to eat and turning it into a pleasurable event. Fifth, develop a plan and schedule regular spiritual growth time together. It isn’t easy to discipline yourselves as a couple to spend regular time together focusing on your spirituality but you can do it. You may need to schedule it. But you can read books together, do Bible studies, go to marriage retreats together, watch videos together on spiritual growth. The key is to find a time that works for you and your spouse and something you agree on to study or do together. It is more about training than trying, and as Scripture says, “you will reap what you sow.” Gal 6:7-8 If you happen to stumble initially in these effort, don’t get frustrated, just keep trying.
Pat Baker writes, “My husband was intruding on my time with God, and I didn't like it. For 10 years I had risen early each morning to read the Bible and pray. Since my husband, Don, preferred to sleep in, the timing was perfect. Before Don got up, the phone started ringing, and my busy day started, I could focus exclusively on God. I memorized Scripture verses. I prayed for friends who would be waking up to a day filled with grief or sickness and for myself for God to take away my will and replace it with His. I savored my quiet, uninterrupted time with God until one morning I looked up and saw Don walking into the room. With his eyes barely opened, he announced that he wanted to join my early morning practice. I tried to hide my shock and disappointment. This has to be a whim, I thought. It won't last. The next morning, we took a trial run. I told Don what I usually did during this time. He gave me a thumbs-up, stretched out on the couch and promptly fell asleep before I had even finished reading the Scriptures. I hoped Don would tell me that this wasn't going to work. At the same time, I felt guilty about my unwilling attitude. I knew there were other wives who would love to share a time like this with their husbands. After the first few mornings, Don avoided the couch….Since Don had so much trouble staying awake, we decided to eat breakfast first. After the meal, Don was alert and ready to participate. What I thought would last only a few days has now continued for more than 30 years. Don and I read the Bible, tell each other about our plans for the day, discuss the needs of our friends, church and nation, noting the requests in a prayer notebook. When prayers are answered, we write TYL (Thank You, Lord) by the recorded names.
Sometimes my husband surprises me by telling God how much he loves me. I hear his genuine concern for me — a concern that doesn't always come out in other ways. Some mornings, as Don is praying, I am overwhelmed at the depth of his love for me. Silently, I ask God to make me worthy of such love. Together, we have unearthed one of the most overlooked secrets for a strong marriage — going into God's presence together to pray and read His Word. And then she writes, “In hindsight, I now see that it was God, not Don, who intruded into my quiet mornings so many years ago. Our all-wise Father knew these times together would not only draw us closer to Him but would also help us grow more in love with each other. And then she ends with the “TYL, Thank you, Lord!” Amen and Amen
