Developing Intimacy in a Sex Crazed Culture
1 Corinthians 7:1-7:7
In today’s message, we’re going to look at Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth. It’s in this letter that Paul speaks more about sexuality than any other letter in the New Testament. Paul came to Corinth somewhere between 50-52 AD to plant a church. Corinth was the provincial capital of Greece and had at least 100,000 residents and maybe up to 700,000 when most cities built by Rome were designed for 50,000. Corinth was polytheistic and had many temples but the main temple was dedicated to Apollo. The Acropolis was the highest point above Corinth and on it was the temple dedicated to Aphrodite, the goddess of love. It had 1000 sacred prostitutes, both men and women, and people thought one way you worshipped God was to make an offering at the temple and then have sex with a temple prostitute. Sex was not just limited to the Acropolis. Corinth was known for its sex trade. This was fueled by the fact that Corinth was at the trade crossroads and one of the largest ports in the Roman era bringing in traders and sailors after long journeys and often looking for female companionship. This along with the Acropolis was a recipe for a sexually charged culture. One of the Greek words for fornication is Corinthianzona. Sex was so aligned with the city of Corinth that its name was in the word itself!
We too live in a sexually charged culture. This was driven home to me when we were visiting my in laws a number of years ago. Driving through downtown Mexico City, I was taking in the sights and a billboard caught my eye. It had the picture of a very attractive woman with long legs and in stockings and a bra, sitting on the edge of a bed with her head in her hands. The rest of the billboard was white but in the corner in small print, I saw the word ‘Tylenol.” We’re so sexually charged that headache medicine is sold using sex. Sex is seemingly everywhere and it’s easy to allow our culture’s view of sex to influence our understanding and experience of intimacy in life and even in marriage.
So how do you develop your love and intimacy in sexually charge world? Gary Chapman in his book, “Five Love Languages” introduces the concept of a love tank. If we allow our own or our spouse’s love tank to get low– develop a vacuum– we create space for something else to come in and fill it up. The lower it gets, the more opportunity a negative force has to put pressure on your marriage. And our culture offers us plenty– busyness, workaholism, pornography at our fingertips, relationships outside of marriage, hobbies, even church work! When we aren’t meeting the legitimate needs of our spouse, we put our marriages in a very dangerous position for something– or someone– else to meet them. So how can we fill each other’s love tank?
Les and Leslie Parrot are Christian ministers and marriage counselors. They have identified three Greek verbs for the love between husband and wife. The first is agape or sacrificial, self giving love. This is best exemplified in Jesus going to the cross. Agape is putting the needs of your spouse ahead of your own. Every time you see the word love in the New Testament, it’s the word agape. The second is eros. We get our word erotic from it. Eros is romantic, passionate, sexual love. According to Hollywood, this is the only kind of love between men and women. The third is philia. We get the name Philadelphia from it, the “City of Brotherly Love.” That’s communication and friendship between spouses. It’s an incomplete image of love but it's the only one represented in our sex crazed culture.
The challenge in developing intimacy is that our culture has accepted a false sense of intimacy. We have replaced face-to-face conversations with texting and emails, exchanged close intimate friends with acquaintances and confused indiscriminate sex with intimacy and even love. We even seem to lack intimacy in marriage today. Take the husband and wife who go to the coffee shop to spend time together and one is engrossed in their iPad and the other their iPhone. I’ve seen couples sit there and not say anything to each other for 30 minutes! Yet marriage is meant to be an intimate and holy bond to one another which is unmatched and is marked by intimate, emotional connection and communication. Use image of a three legged stool There are 3 types of intimacy in marriage, kind of like a three legged stool. Sometimes we try to make it by on one or two of these but you can’t stay balanced in life and marriage without all three. And you will never experience the depth of intimacy that God created us for until you have all three actively present.
In the next two weeks, we’re going to talk about the three types of intimacy God intends for every marriage. Today, we going to talk about emotional intimacy. That comes from philia or communication with one another. Paul talks the most about emotional intimacy in the Book of Ephesians. “Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Eph. 5:28 Men are very in touch with their own physical needs. They say to keep a man happy, he needs three things: food, sex and sports. OK, I added the third. It’s really just sex and food. We know our needs and seek to meet them. If we’re thirsty, we make sure we get something to drink. If I’m hungry, I get something to eat. If I’m sleepy, there’s nothing that keeps me from the pillow. Men pretty well take care of themselves, but then again don’t we all? We’re in touch with our needs and we seek to meet them. But Paul says, that we ought to be just as in touch with the needs of our spouse. We all know the saying, “I know them like the back of my hand.” A husband or wife is meant to know their spouse as well as themselves. In other words, our spouse’s emotional needs should be as important to us as our own needs and we should seek to meet their needs. How do you know your spouse’s needs? Communication.
There was a study done a number of years ago which found that a husband and wife in the first years of marriage, the honeymoon period, had 60 minutes of daily face to face communication. By the third year, that had declined to 30 minutes, the fifth year to 15 minutes and by year 7, less than 5 minutes a day. The greatest impact on this? Kids. As soon as kids come along, your focus, time and energy shifts from each other to them. By the time you get done with work, dinner, baths, story time, cleaning up the toys, you’re worn out and don’t have anything left for each other. And as kids get older, extracurricular activities start and it becomes even more demanding and tiring. Many times, you even end up playing tag team, each taking a child to their respective activities. One study tracked marital happiness and found that after the honeymoon period, it begins to decline sharply and continues to do so until the first kids begin to leave the house. Couples spend so much time focusing on the kids that they neglect each other and their marriage. And when the kids move out, you look at each other and wonder, “Who are you? In the process of investing in their children, they have unintentionally divested from their relationship, stopped growing together and developing their love for one another. The term “7 year itch” used to refer to the time when the highest divorces occurred. Today though, the 7 year itch has now become the 25 year itch. What’s happening then? You become empty nesters and realize you are strangers living in the same household. But if you divorce, you end up missing out. Studies have found that there’s a second honeymoon around years 30-35 of marriage and that rates as the happiest time of your marriage!
Emotional intimacy is built on trust. You have to be able to trust each other implicitly. One of the Old Testament words for trust (batach) means to be "careless" or carefree. One of the most wonderful gifts of a loving marriage is the ability to trust your mate. Trust creates safety, security and a deeper capacity to love. Think about it: When you trust your spouse, you feel so safe that you are careless—or carefree—with him or her. You don't have to hide who you are or be self-protective. The key to trust is vulnerability. You can’t build emotional intimacy and trust apart from vulnerability. It's sometimes difficult to be vulnerable with your spouse because the ones closest to you can hurt you the deepest. But trust means you can be vulnerable and know they will still love you. Successful marriages are built on trust.
Drs. Evelyn and Paul Mooschetta say there are five kinds of trust which need to be developed in every marriage. First is trust that you will keep each other and your marriage a top priority. Second is trust that you will not harm, reject or control one another. Trust thrives in an atmosphere of safety and security. Third is trust that you love one another without ulterior motives like your looks, your money, your family or to assuage your insecurities. Fourth is trust that you will be sexually faithful. Fifth is trust that you will not abandon one another during the tough times. Bob Russell tells the story of his first senior pastor, Jim Irby. “I saw him and his wife at a convention a while back. An elegant woman, his wife now has a disease that has deteriorated her muscles until she can barely walk. As I saw this dignified couple in their late seventies walk into the room, Jim was walking at the same slow pace as his wife, bent in the same places she was bent, so he could hold onto her in support. Then he writes, "That's what we all want, to have a companion who really believes what he or she said—'I'll stand by you in sickness and in health.'
So how can you develop emotional intimacy? Counselor Gary Smalley found when a couple spends time alone each week, their levels of happiness, positive communication, and sexual satisfaction are more than three times higher than those who don’t spend that time together. Increase the time you spend together as a couple. When you do, show her an understanding heart. Are you judgmental with your wife? You probably quickly answered no to this question. But think about it. Do you, either by your words or your attitude, sometimes make her feel ashamed, devalued or judged? You need to be consistently tender and appreciative. Point out positive changes she has made in her life. Attention to the smallest details shows your wife you are thinking of her and that she is the most important person in your world. Ask what you could do to lighten her load. Enter the conversation when she is sharing a story by repeating what you heard and cheering her on. Tune in to your wife the minute you walk in the door at the end of the day and give her your undivided attention. Laugh together and at each other’s jokes. Cry together. Share your fears and pain. Dream together by sharing your hopes and dreams, your successes as well as your failures. Here’s a great question to get the conversation started: What was your cherry today? What was your pit? Don’t just talk about the events of the day, share also how you feel about the events of the day. Resolves conflict swiftly and forgive each other. In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul tells us to "get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Indeed, be kind to each other, tender hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Resist any desire to use critical, resentful, or sarcastic words. Words hurt women! Gary Rosberg uses the image that words strike as if beaten by stones. Don't resort to the silent treatment or snide remarks. Learn to "fight fair" by following the rules of engagement or arguing that you have created together. Maintain trust and commitment throughout. “I love you even if we disagree.” Remember to accept and honor each other’s viewpoints. Let them know you’re there for the long haul. When needed, seek help. You may find that a marriage counselor is helpful in launching you and your spouse into new emotional territory during difficult seasons of your marriage.
That’s the emotional side of developing emotional intimacy but what about the “doing” side of intimacy? Spend time together by going on adventures together. Play together. Share a sport or hobby together. Explore new things together. Schedule regular dates together. Do the stuff you used to do when you first started dating or got married. Lastly, go on vacations together without the kids and rediscover why you fell in love in the first place.
Erma Bombeck tells the story of visiting her mother who had Alzheimers in a rest home. As she pulled up the parking spot. It was difficult to see her decline into a person she barely knew. As tears began to stream down her face, she began to take a moment and gather herself before she went in. A red truck pulled in beside her and parked, garnering her attention. She saw an elderly man in an old fleece shirt and overalls and a hat. Yet he started to pull himself together, tucking in and straightening his shirt, combing his hair, checking his teeth and putting in a breath mint. She knew that he was here to visit his wife who had Alzheimers and that she had progressed to the stage that she would not recognize him. And yet he took all of the time and care as if it was the very first time he would see her. And Irma was touched by the obvious emotional intimacy and connection this man and his wife had developed through all the years he knew her that he took such care when he went to visit her.
In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes about intimacy and love. "We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it." Paul puts it this way in the verse after 1 Cor. 13, the love chapter: “Pursue love” and that starts with intimacy.
