How To Handle Conflict
How should we respond when other people cause us trouble? A prime example of suffering from the troubles brought on by other people is Joseph of the Old Testament. Joseph’s life can be found in the book of Genesis – chapter 37-50. We are not going to read all those chapters this morning – but allow me to tell you his story.
As you recall – Joseph was the second-youngest of twelve brothers. There was a lot of sibling rivalry in the family and the older brothers began extremely jealous of Joseph. Perhaps they had every right to be because the Bible tells us:
“His brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers; and so they hated him and could not speak to him on friendly terms.” Gen 37:4 (NASB)
When the problem came to a head the brothers threw Joseph into a pit and left him there to die. But some traveling merchants came by and the brothers said, “Let’s just sell him instead of killing him.” So Joseph’s older brothers sold him to these foreign merchants, who took him as a slave to Egypt.
Now Joseph is in a foreign country. He doesn’t know anybody – at first he can’t speak the language – and he’s a slave. He is bought by a man named Potiphar. But then his troubles don’t stop there. Potiphar’s wife decides to seduce him. He refuses and she falsely accuses him of rape. Some Joseph gets thrown into prison. He is lonely and hurting and has every right to be. Nothing was going good for him – nothing.
While Joseph was in prison he made friends with a couple fellow prisoners. Both of them worked for Pharaoh – one was his cup-bearer and the other was his baker. Each of them had a dream. Joseph was able to interpret the dreams for them. The baker would be killed the cupbearer would be restored to his position of working for Pharaoh. Joseph had asked the cupbearer to remember him but the Bible says:
“Yet the chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, but forgot him.”
Gen 40:23 (NASB)
So here is Joseph – forgotten – alone – in prison – in a foreign land.
But then Pharaoh had a dream and cupbearer remembered that Joseph could interpret dreams. Joseph was invited to the Pharaoh’s palace and he interpreted the dream. Pharaoh was so impressed with Joseph that he made him second-in-command over all of Egypt. Joseph went from a foreign slave in prison to the second greatest leader in Egypt.
As I look at this story I can see several points where Joseph could have become bitter. I could see there he could become angry – with God – with the circumstances of life – with Potiphar’s wife – and of course with his brothers.
But do you know what happened? A few years later the brothers show up. They had traveled to Egypt because they had run out of food. They don’t recognize Joseph – perhaps because they thought he was dead and perhaps he looked an awful lot like an Egyptian. And do you know what Joseph’s attitude was when he saw them? Was it anger? Was it hatred? Did he want to kill them? No! The Bible tells us in Genesis chapter fifty and verse twenty. Joseph says to them:
"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.”
Gen 50:20-21 (NASB)
In other words, “You meant this for bad, but God turned it around and used it for good in my life and in your lives and in the lives of many other people.”
Conflict can come from a lot of places – family – friends – false accusations – bad situations and bad circumstances – but how you handle them makes all the difference in the world.
LEARNING FROM JOSEPH
Why was Joseph able to hang in there? Because of three important truths that he recognized in his life. First, Joseph knew that:
1. God sees EVERYTHING and He CARES
That’s very evident in Joseph’s life that he never doubted that God saw what was going on in his life and cared for him. There’s an important phrase that is found two times in the life of Joseph. It says:
“The LORD was with Joseph” Gen 39:2; Gen 39:21
Even when everything was going wrong, the Lord was still with Joseph.
The second thing Joseph recognized was that:
2. God gives everyone freedom of CHOICE
You’re not a puppet or a robot who says little prayers to God. God gave all of us freedom of choice, and when we choose to ignore what’s right – God does not force His will on us. Often when be bring a problem upon ourselves – we blame God as if it were His fault. God gets blamed for many things that He never caused! When we see a major accident or tragedy or problem or crisis we try to sound spiritual by saying, “It must be God’s will” – as if God gets enjoyment out of planning mistakes and heartaches!
The fact of the matter is that God’s will is not always done. God has a will for each of our lives – but He has given us free wills too. When we choose to go our own way – God chooses to limit Himself. He will allow us the freedom to choice to make mistakes and cause problems in our own lives.
He also allows other people free choices and from their mistakes they can hurt us. In Joseph’s situation his brothers willfully chose to plot against him. This was a sin, but God allowed it because He doesn’t make people to be puppets.
The third thing Joseph recognized was that:
3. God is in CONTROL of the final outcome
He can take all our mistakes and also all the sins that other people commit against us – then turn these around and bring good out of them. Even though we may lose a battle here and there – God has already won the war. God will take even very bad things and turn them around for our good. When we think everything is falling apart in our lives – God has the final say.
Consider Joseph – he was nearly killed – then he was sold into slavery – then he was accused of rape – then he was put into prison. His life was a series of one bad thing after another. But God took these tragedies – turned them around and brought much good out of them.
While Joseph was in prison he made friends with the cupbearer of Pharaoh. When cupbearer was restored to power Pharaoh had a dream – it was then that the cupbearer remembered that Joseph could interpret dreams. Joseph was invited to the Pharaoh’s palace and interpreted the dream: “Pharaoh, God is telling you that you are going to have seven years of good crops and then seven years of famine – so you need to prepare for this.”
Pharaoh was so impressed with Joseph that he put him in charge of the collection and storage of grain. Joseph went from a foreign slave in prison to the second-greatest leader in Egypt. When he was put in charge of this project he had the power to save people – feed people so that they would not starve to death. Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt looking for food – they found it – but they also found their brother too.
God sees what’s going on – we see life through a keyhole – but God sees the entire picture. God has given us a free choice – we have free will – but He also knows the choices we will make. He does not intervene against our free will. But He will use even our bad choices and the bad things that happen to us – to turn things around and bring good out of them in the final outcome. That is why Joseph could say at the end of his life, “You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good.” The only way God could bring good out of the situation was for Joseph to hold on – even when he didn’t understand it all.
COPING WITH CONFLICT
Perhaps you are going through a trial right now. Maybe you’re an innocent party. Maybe you didn’t cause the situation. Maybe you’re the victim. Consider how Joseph handled his situations.
A. The first thing Joseph didn’t do was to give in to self-pity. If you’re in a problem or trial right now – you cannot afford self-pity. That’s one of the major causes of depression. Usually when we’re in a serious problem and our self-esteem is really low – we start putting ourselves down and we start having a pity party.
Nowhere in the Bible do we find that Joseph had a pity party. He didn’t blame himself when he found bad things happening to him. The crisis he was in was not his fault and he tried to look at the situation realistically. His problems came from conflicts with other people – which he did not cause. He realized that and he faced the situations head on.
When a ship is in the middle of the ocean – and a storm arises – the best way to deal with it is to face it head on. If the ship is turned sideways – the storm will capsize it. When storms come into our lives and the best way to overcome them is to face head-on.
If you are in a period of discouragement right now – because you’re going through a storm in your life – don’t give up. Don’t say, “I’m just going to quit.” “I’m going to move on.” Don’t hold a pity party – but look to the Lord.
B. There’s another thing we see in Joseph’s life when all those things were going wrong – he didn’t give in to bitterness.
The Bible says:
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
Heb 12:15 (NASB)
You know what I have found down through the years – conflict can either make you better – or bitter.
After many years Joseph met his brothers again. They were both shocked and scared. Here was the brother they had tried to kill years earlier – now they stood face to face. They did not know what to expect. But what they got was grace and mercy. Joseph forgave them. Somehow he discovered that a person does not need to carry the bag of bitterness around. After a time it gets really – really heave.
What should we do when we’re tempted to be bitter? Turn it over to the Lord. That’s what Joseph did: He maintained his faith and hope in God. He believed that things would work out well in the end. He looked to God and he relied on:
1. The PLAN Of God
The first source of strength that we see in Joseph’s life is the plan of God. The Bible says:
“We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Rom 8:28 (NASB)
This verse does not say that everything is good – there’s a lot of evil in this world. But it does say that in the life of a Christian God makes all things – even the bad things – work out for good.
God has your best interests at heart. He’ll take this situation you’re going through – even if it is a terrible one – and will use it for a good overall purpose in your life. He’ll bring out greater glory in the long run. God is greater than any problem you will ever face. He is bigger than any crisis you will ever go through.
Of course it’s difficult to see how God is working in a bad situation when you’re in the middle of it. But later – as you look back – your perspective is better and you can see what God was doing and how He used this situation in a great and purposeful way in your life.
When you understand this truth you can look back and say to people who gave you a hard time, “You meant it for bad, but God meant it for good. You meant it to destroy me, but God used it to develop me. You meant it to tear me down, but God used it to make me a stronger and more mature person.” No matter what happens – even though you lose a battle – the war has been won and the final outcome is in God’s hand. He will turn failures around and bring good out of them if you give Him the opportunity.
Joseph relied on:
2. The PROMISES Of God
Here’s the second source of strength you can turn to when there’s conflict in your life – the promises of God.
Did you know that there are over 7,000 promises of God in the Bible?
The Bible says that the Scriptures were written to encourage us and give us hope (Rom. 15:4). What we need to do is read God’s promises – memorize God’s promises – claim God’s promises – live in the reality of God’s promises.
We don’t have the time this morning to go over all the promises in the Bible – but I do want us to look at one. It is found in Jeremiah chapter twenty nine. It says:
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
Jer. 29:11 (NASB)
I like the way the Message Bible says it – it says:
“I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
Jer. 29:11 (Msg)
I suggest that you pick out a few verses that are promises of God – write them down on some little cards – carry them with you – memorize them – and when conflict comes – remember them. I promise you it will change the way you approach life.
Joseph also relied on:
3. The PRESENCE Of God
This is the most important thing we need. When there is conflict on all sides – when it seems that everyone is against us – we need to rely on the presence of God. God has said:
"I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU," Heb 13:5 (NASB)
Jesus said:
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
John 14:18 (NASB)
He also said:
“Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
Mat. 28:20 (NASB)
The presence of Christ can help us through any situation.
Joseph in the Old Testament was an example of what Jesus Christ did in the New Testament. Joseph suffered blamelessly so that in the long run – when the famine came to the Middle East – his policies of food storage would save thousands of people from starvation. In the New Testament the Lord suffered blamelessly for the benefit of us. Jesus suffered blamelessly in order that we can be saved by Him. He died on the cross to save us from the terrible consequences of sin.
We live in a world where there is conflict. People hurt each other. I’ve been hurt and so have you. But the sad fact is – I have hurt other people too – sometimes on accident – sometimes on purpose. But God will forgive me – and guess what – He will forgive you too. And He will give us the strength and the power to forgive others too.
Maybe you’ve been hurt deeply by a family member as Joseph was – perhaps a brother, sister, parent, husband, wife, close friend. Don’t give in to self-pity. Don’t give in to bitterness. Instead trust in the Lord. Rely on His – Plan. Rely on His – Promises. Rely on His – Presence. He can get you through.
(I want to thank Rick Warren for the sermon starter ideas.)
