Series: Big 10
“THE FAMILY PLAN”
EXODUS 20:12
OPEN
Jake and Willie – at least that would probably be what we would call them today – are some of the most famous story tellers from the 19th century. I’m talking about Jacob and Wilhelm – the Brothers Grimm. They were scholars. They studied law and wrote books about the German language. But we know them best for their stories: Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Many of those stories are famous. Disney has done movies based on some of them. One short story that’s not so well-known is called The Old Grandfather and His Grandson.
The story goes like this:
There was once a very old man, whose eyes had become dim, his ears dull of hearing, his
knees trembled, and when he sat at table he could hardly hold the spoon, and spilt the broth
upon the table-cloth or let it run out of his mouth. His son and his son's wife were disgusted
at this, so the old grandfather at last had to sit in the corner behind the stove, and they gave
him his food in an earthenware bowl, and not even enough of it. And he used to look
towards the table with his eyes full of tears. Once, too, his trembling hands could not hold
the bowl, and it fell to the ground and broke. The young wife scolded him, but he said
nothing and only sighed. Then they bought him a wooden trough for a few half-pence, out
of which he had to eat.
They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather
together some bits of wood upon the ground. “What are you doing there?” asked the father.
“I am making a little trough,” answered the child, “for father and mother to eat out of when I
am big.”
This morning, we resume our series called Big 10. We’re going through the 10 Commandments. It’s time for the fifth commandment and a message called “The Family Plan.”
Ex. 20:12 – “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
Before we go any further, I want to acknowledge that obeying this command might be difficult for some of us. It seems to describe a family situation some of us never experienced. How do you obey this commandment if you are from a broken home? If your parents abused you? If you and your parents don’t get along?
As we move forward this morning, I want us to make two important observations. The first observation is that since this commandment comes from God, there must be a way to obey it no matter how difficult or painful it may be. And the second observation is that since God has our best interests at heart, obedience must be in our own best interest. It is in that spirit that we approach the Fifth Commandment.
If you’re struggling in this area, please don’t check out on me. Don’t dismiss this message as being irrelevant to your situation. Pay close attention. There are important principles that will help you as you struggle and also help you to be a better parent yourself.
You might be struggling as a parent today with children who don’t follow this command. You, too, listen closely. You have to teach your children how to show respect for you. Maybe something that’s said this morning will help you develop a stronger relationship with your children.
There are a couple of differences in this command as opposed to the first three commands. The first difference is that it is one of only two of the ten commands that are stated in the positive rather than the negative. The first three say “you shall not – have any other gods, make images to worship, misuse the name of God.” Commandments four and five have an implied “you shall” inherent in their instruction. “You shall – remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy and honor your father and mother.” That’s the first difference.
The second difference is that it shifts the focus of the commandments from how we respect God to how we respect others. The command that links these two concepts concerns honoring our parents. Rubel Shelly, Written in Stone: “At the pivot point between the obligations of loving God and loving one’s neighbor stands the commandment about family integrity.”
As we consider the implications of this command, we need to spend some time on some important issues. However, the emphasis of this message is on practical application of this commandment.
PRINCIPLE
This command means much more than just obedience to your parents, although that is included in the implications of this command. Obedience to parents goes through certain changes in the life cycle but honor never changes.
There are two elements to this command. The first element is children, honor your parents. What does God mean when he says to honor your father and mother? The answer to that question is found in the Hebrew word translated as “honor.” It literally means “heavy or weighty.”
Heavy designates importance or stature. Light designates unimportance. We would say, “Don’t take me lightly in this matter” or “Don’t take this subject too lightly.” To honor your parents means to give them a position of respect and importance in your life. There is no time limit on this command. Like the others, it stay in force for our entire lives.
The second element is parents, be honorable. God wants parents to serve as models of faithful obedience to his principles and demonstrate what it means what it means to live in relationship with him.
Here in the 21st century, there’s not a more difficult task than being a parent. One man said: There was a time when I had had six theories about raising children but didn’t have any children. Now I have six children and no theories.
There’s one more thing I need to mention about this principle of honoring your parents. There is no exclusion from this commandment. Even though the implication is that parents should be honorable, God doesn’t say, “Honor your parents if you think they deserve it.”
This commandment to “honor” is in force wholly apart from the way your parents perform. You may have had lousy parents; unfortunately many children grow up with parents who are absent, or abusive, or unkind, or cruel. Your parents may have split up when you were very young. One or both of your parents may have had a drinking or even a drug problem.
Any of those facts will obviously affect your relationship with your parents but – and this is a huge but – your parents’ failure to be all they should be or should have been does not excuse you from obeying the 5th Commandment.
The 5th Commandment says, “Honor your father and mother.” Period. The way your parents performed will certainly affect your relationship with them and it will certainly affect the way you obey this commandment and the motivation you bring to the task. But it does not affect the central reality that you must obey it whether they were good parents or not!
PROBLEM
One of the main roadblocks in implementing this command is that the societal norm is disdain for authority. Our society has developed the general attitude that no one should be able to tell us how to live our lives. No one has the right to be critical of the life choices that we make and that includes our parents.
Media such as TV and movies have made parents look like bumbling fools and totally out of touch with the society in which their children live, Most depict the traditional role of parents as being old-fashioned and out of step with more “enlightened” practices.
That view flies in the face of God’s word. God established the home and parents as the authorities in the home. A good principle here is found in Paul’s teaching about the civil government. This principle applies in the home as well. Rom. 13:1 – Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
PRACTICE
Honoring your parents is not an easy thing. Sometimes it takes a lot of thought and consideration. Watch this little film clip from the classic TV program The Andy Griffith Show. It’s from the episode where Barney is going to buy a car. Andy and Barney are sitting on Andy’s front porch on a Sunday afternoon awaiting Mrs. Lesch to deliver the car. Barney’s nervous about the impending transaction and tells Andy about the biggest purchase he ever made before the car. [Watch video]
How do we honor our father and mother? What are some practical things we can do to keep this commandment? Some of these apply more to when we’re younger but many of these things carry throughout our lives.
#1. Respect their role. One thing that has taught me the most about honoring my parents is being a parent myself. It’s the hardest job I ever had. It’s costly – not just in dollars but in time, energy, plans, and dreams. One man said, “There was a time when I had had six theories about raising children but didn’t have any children. Now I have six children and no theories.”
God ordained the family as the basic unit for societal and religious instruction. Over the family, God placed parents in the place of authority in the home. As parents, we get to participate in the marvelous blessing of producing life. Our parents deserve at least some recognition that without them, we wouldn’t exist.
By the way, did you know that parenthood is hereditary? If your parents didn’t have children, chances are strong that you won’t have any children either.
One way that we value the role of our parents when we’re young is to be obedient to them. Eph. 6:2 – Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Col. 3:20 – Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. The Bible says it’s the right thing to do and that it pleases the Lord.
One group who needs all the appreciation and encouragement they can get is single parents. Two important things I’ve learned about parenting: 1. Ideally, parents need to be young. Because it’s too exhausting to be old and have children. 2. Ideally, it’s a two person job.
Sometimes I wondered how Anna and I were going to make it together as parrents. When I look at single parent families who are raising godly kids, I give them my ultimate awe and respect.
If you’re a child of a single parent, you should give that parent a double portion of honor for what their trying to do. The rest of us need to support and help out wherever we can.
Even Jesus followed this commandment. In Luke 2, it tells us how Joseph and Mary were faithful in observing the Passover in Jerusalem. When Jesus was 12,they were traveling back home to Nazareth, they noticed that he was not with them. They began to look for him but couldn’t find him.
They backtrack to the Temple and find Jesus debating the Scriptures with the religious leaders. Joseph and Mary express their concern but Jesus tells them that he had to be about his father’s business (referring to his heavenly Father). Jesus follows Joseph and Mary back to Nazareth and we read in Lk. 2:51a – Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.
Did Jesus obey his parents because they were always right? They weren’t always right but he was always right and still he obeyed them. Did he obey because they were morally superior to him? He was morally superior to his parents but he obeyed them. Did he obey them because they knew more than he did? He knew more than they did but he obeyed them. Jesus honored his father and mother.
2. Value their advice. Prov. 1:8 – Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
Like most other young people, I reached a time in my life where I thought my parents were lame, uncool, and didn’t understand how real life was supposed to work. But it’s funny, the more I matured, the more my parents seemed to learn. Eventually, I reached the point where I would seek their counsel on many decisions that had to be made in my life.
Your parents have already lived through things that taught them valuable lessons. Don’t waste a treasured resource by not considering the advice of your parents. If you do, most of the time you’re going to be sorry that you did,
3. Offer grace. Nobody here had perfect parents. There is only one perfect parent, and that is God. The rest of us are deeply flawed.
Nobody has perfect parents, and you’re not a perfect parent either. There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect children. Grandchildren – now that’s a different story.
4. Appreciate their efforts. Most parents are trying hard to be the best parents they can be. Most of them do what they do out of love for you. Don’t let their efforts go by without an acknowledgement of their efforts and their show of love.
If you live at home, pick up and do a few extra chores. Don’t make your parents’ job a lot harder than it has to be. Speak to them with words of respect instead of hatred and disrespect.
Adult children, give your parents a call. Write to them. Show your appreciation for the many acts of love they have performed all for your benefit. Never fail to show gratitude for your parents’ investments in your life.
5. Forgive their failings. Col. 3:13 – Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Here we come to the heart of the problem for many people. How do you honor parents who have hurt and abused you? How do you honor an alcoholic father? How do you honor a mother who left you? How do you honor parents who neglected you?
Here is a simple answer: We must not use the hurts of the past as an excuse to evade keeping this commandment. To be specific, here are some things we must not say: “My parents were/are not lovable; therefore I will not love them.” “My parents were/are not wise; therefore I will not respect them.” “My parents were/are not kind; therefore I will not admire them.” “My parents were/are not patient; therefore I will not be patient with them.”
So many of us waste years playing the “if only” game. “If only my father had loved me.” “If only my mother had been kind to me.” “If only my parents had stayed together.”
The “if only” game is destructive because it teaches you to live in a fantasy world—instead of in reality. You will make a major advance in your spiritual life when you conclude that your parents are sinners just like you.
Honoring abusive parents does not mean ignoring the mistreatment or in any way suggest abuse is justified. It does mean that you work toward forgiveness. If not, you get locked into a cycle of hatred and anger. We overcome evil not with evil, but with good.
For some, perhaps it’s time to confront your parent and share your pain in hopes of working through it together. For others, confrontation and reconciliation are not possible. Your parents have died or are unwilling to take responsibility for their sins against you.
Take heart! The Bible still gives us hope and assurance. Ps. 27:10 – Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.
6. Meet their needs. 1 Tim. 5:4 – But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.
No government can honor your parents for you. No social security system can provide for your parents for you. No Medicare program can take care of your parents for you. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to participate in government social programs. It simply means that God designed family as the primary way to meet needs. I’m obliged to do whatever I can with the resources at my disposal to care for those who cared for me.
As in everything, Jesus is our example concerning this issue. Since Jesus’ earthly step-father, Joseph, is never mentioned again after Jesus was age 12, most scholars believe that he passed away when Jesus was young. It may help explain one of the reasons Jesus waited until he was around the age of 30 to start his earthly ministry. He was busy taking care of and providing for his mother and his younger siblings.
We see a very poignant scene at the end of Jesus’ earthly life. He is on the cross in immense physical, emotional, and spiritual pain but what is one of the most pressing things on his mind at that time? That someone would take care of his mother when he is gone.
Jn. 19:26-27 – When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” 27 and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.
As we said earlier, this commandment has two clear inferences: children, honor your parents and parents, be honorable. How do we do that, parents? How do we behave in an honorable way?
1. Be an encourager. 1 Thess. 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Encourage means to support, fortify, boost, and reinforce positive behavior. Too many people try to tear us down in life. They mock our hopes and dreams. They make us feel unworthy and unloved.
Our role as parents, especially to our children when they’re young, is to stand by their side, be their ally, support and remind our children that because God loves them and we love them, they are special and valuable. One of the worst things a parent can do is to destroy their child’s sense of self. Our job is not to be ever-critical. Our job is to guide, support, and instruct concerning the issues of life.
2. Teach them what is right. Deut. 6:6-7 – These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
In Hebrew, the word translated as “parent” is closely tied to the word “teacher.” We’re to be teachers of what is right or true. We’re most true to our role when we teach our children values that build character and about the God who defines what that character requires.
3. Be a good listener. James 1:19 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Effective communication involves listening as much as talking. The art of successful communication entails not just expressing our thoughts and feelings but drawing out the thoughts and feelings of our children
We can learn to understand our children by listening to them. It is important that we give undivided attention to them when they talk to us. We want our children to be able to share their hearts without feeling that we will condemn them. Effective parenting requires good listening skills, which will produce greater understanding.
4. Spend time with them. They get to know more about you. You get to know more about them. You pass along values and family history. You learn about your children’s strengths and struggles. It makes them feel loved and important. It creates a bond that is difficult to break. When you know their heart and they know your heart, it makes parenting just a bit easier.
5. Set limits. Say, “No.” If you had a dollar for every time your children have asked for something, you'd have enough money to fund a presidential campaign, right?
We all hate to see our kids unhappy (or spiraling into a major meltdown), so all too often we take the path of least resistance and give in. But the truth is, you do your children a big favor by saying "no" more frequently. Dr. Susan Newman, social psychologist, writes: “Kids who understand that they can't always have their way will be more likely to be successful in school, relationships, and their careers.”
Kids understand boundaries. They already live with them – from stripes on playing fields to curbs on city streets. When parents establish boundaries, their children have a choice of two “Rs.” When they stay within the boundaries, they earn a reward, but if they cross the line, they receive a repercussion. Once boundaries are in place, it's the child – not the parent – who chooses to receive either the reward or the repercussion.
That leads us right into 6. When necessary, administer discipline. Prov. 22:15 – Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.
One prevailing philosophy basically declares to just let them grow into what they’re going to become. This is the parenting philosophy that says, “We’ll just let them become who they will become,”
The problem is that we all have a sin nature. Rom. 3:23 – For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Rom. 3:10 – “There is no one righteous, not even one.” Children are born with a sin nature that, if not checked and changed, leads to a life of destruction instead of blessing.
Even those outside of the church are beginning to admit that children have a sin nature. Dr. Vasudevi Reddy, of the University of Portsmouth's psychology department, studied more than 50 children and conducted interviews with their parents. Even though behavioral experts used to think that a child’s brain was not developed enough to formulate lies until four years old, she discovered that babies actually start lying as early as six months. By the age of two, they are nearly experts at deceiving their parents in order to avoid punishment. One police study concluded that if children were permitted to continue in their self-centered world of infancy, given free rein to their impulsive actions to satisfy each want, every child would grow up a criminal, a killer, a thief, and a rapist.
It’s easier to grow weeds than to tend a garden. If you want to cultivate a harvest of righteousness in your child, it means they need a new nature, instruction, discipline, repentance, correction. Any parent that does not instruct and correct their child, the Bible says, hates them.
Prov. 13:24 – Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.
7. Be a good role model. Paul told the disciples in the church at Corinth in 1 Cor. 11:1 – Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.
Someone said, “More is caught than taught.” Your children watch you to get clues on how to behave in the world. You’re their role model, so use your own behavior to guide them. What you do is often much more important than what you say. Set an example by modeling God’s uncompromised values, unquestioned integrity, and unconditional love.
Also, if you want your children to honor you, set the example by how you honor their grandparents. At the start of this message, we looked at a short story by the Grimm brothers. But I didn’t read you the ending. We left the boy making a trough for his pwn parents just like they gave to his grandfather. Here is the rest of the story.
The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything.
8. Admit when you’re wrong and apologize. Prov. 28:13 – Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
This concept seems to be at odds with the role of the parents to be the authorities in the home. However, it is of the utmost importance to being the authority in the home. Our children will know when we’re wrong. If we pretend we’re never wrong, then we lose credibility with our children and become hypocritical in their eyes. It may seem weak to admit mistakes. But when you show remorse for misunderstanding a situation, your children will respect you more, not less.
PROMISE
Throughout history and across most every culture, respect and obedience to parents has been seen as necessary for family unity and societal stability. This commandment says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
There are special blessings involved with obedience to this commandment. When Paul reinforces this commandment in the New Testament, he says in Eph. 6:2-3 – “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
What does it mean when it says obedience to this commandment leads to things going well and enjoying long life on the earth? There are two areas that are blessed when parents are honorable and children honor their parents.
The first area is the family. When parents are honorable and children honor their parents, there is generally peace within the family. Family members tend to work together instead of pulling apart.
No family is perfect. There will be some bumps in the road. There will be some conflict. But when this commandment is practiced by both parents and children, it serves as shock absorbers for the bumps in the road and conflicts are likely to be resolved.
The second area of blessing is society as a whole. According to psychologist William Damon, respect for parents who exercise proper authority leads to respect for legitimate social institutions and to respect for law.
The nation of Israel treated disobedience of this command as an issue that affected and involved their whole society. God wanted them to take this command seriously because disobedience affected everyone around.
Deut. 21:18-21 – If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” 21 Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.
We tend to think our children’s behavior is family business and no one else’s. One of the quickest ways to get an angry response from someone is to speak to them about the behavior of their children.
But it’d not just family business. It’s business that affects the whole of society. If a child doesn’t learn how to respect their parents then they’re going to struggle with respecting other people’s lives, reputations, spouses, or properties – which is what the final four commandments address.
That’s why this commandment is the pivot point for the 10 Commandments. If we take our role as God’s authority in the home seriously, we have reason to hope that when our children leave home they’ll choose to be people of character – to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.
CLOSE
Throughout the Bible, God is referenced as “Father’ – our Divine Parent. Jesus taught us to pray, “Our Father, who is in heaven.” The role of parenthood is important because it is supposed to be symbolic of God’s nature and authority. God is our Creator, Provider, and Protector. He instructs us and disciplines us. He even sent part of himself to model what life is all about and then gave up his life so that we could have eternal life.
Jn. 14:6-9a – Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” 8 Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.” 9 Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father.
Children, your relationship with your parents can never be truly all it can be until you know Jesus as Lord and Savior. Parents, your relationship with your children can never be truly all it can be until you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
Maybe you’re here this morning with another need in your life. Jesus is the answer for all your strife. Make him your Lord and Savior by responding at this time of invitation.
